How to break up with a great woman?

WHAT SHOULD HE DO?

  • Stay in the same situation, and wait for the right girl to come along?
  • Ditch her?

0 voters

My neighbour has been with a fairly traditional Taiwanese girl for a year and a half. He constantly says he wants to move on, although she is so helpful and consistant in his life, he finds it impossible to do so. He is not sexually attracted to her and rarely has sex with her. He also says if he met the right girl he would leave her in a flash, which I really doubt would be a smooth transition, if any. If anyone has some real advice or reality to offer him I will pass on the information. I find the whole situation quite pathetic, as I think she would lick the dirt off his shoes to make him love her, but, loving her, will never happen. She is more like a secretary/maid than a girlfriend. He says he cares very much about her, but if that was true I figure he would do whats in her best interest and leave her.
Please give me some real advice for my friend,he’s trapped in a co-dependent relationship and he can’t break it.
:help:
PS…please, jokes aside

I’d tell you’re friend to seriously consider his position. There is no point being in a loveless relationship. How does the girl think? - if she’d lick his shoes clean, then she’s probably hoping he’ll ask her to marry him one day…he already knows this is impossible.

Maybe the easiest way to say it is “Leave, now.” before things get too messy. As for treating her as a maid/secetary then well…I think your friend need to look at how he has treated women in the past. Is there a pattern? Could the problem lie with your friend’s lack of respect or faith in his relationships? Is it his problem that he doesn’t care enough about her to love her? This kind of woman sounds perfect for a particular kind of man.

What exactly do you mean by co-dependant relationship? Is it financial or is there a child invoved? Why can’t he break it?

If it’s not working, and they have tried really really hard to get it to work then there is only one option. Sorry. It’s better in the long run.

L.

I am not trying to be an asshole here but it is very un-cool to stay with a woman who he has no intention of moving forward with.
He is just biding his time till something better comes along.
believ it or nor women have feelings too.
She deserves to be treated better, i.e. with honesty and compassion. Your friend needs to grow a pair step up to the plate and be honest with this woman.

Sounds like the kind of thing when a woman (or a man, doesn’t matter) is putted into the illusion that they’re so helpless in love of the other person when the others are not into them. Whether it’s his problem or not I don’t know, but he has to end it soon before this girl gone psycho and hate guys for the next 25 years. Your friend is basically asking how to break up with a woman who is loyal and will do everything for your friend. Sometimes the attraction is just not there, and if they have tried it all, well then I guess he has either to change his mentality or he has to just move out, maybe be a bit cruel, but I don’t see any choice, unless he can change his mentality and see something else in this woman.

Wait till she gets pregnant, then marry her.

Give me her number … I’ll talk to her … :slight_smile:

He’s being very selfish. Either leave her so she can move and find the right person for her, or make a decision to love and appreciate her. “Love is a decision.” Can’t remember where I heard that but it’s stuck.

:frowning:

This would be the perfect girl for my husband.

Your friend has no spine. I don’t count him as a man.

Your friend’s gf is a carpet, but she doesn’t mind being used.

You don’t really know their situation. People are together for the weirdest reasons and they are together because their partners fullfill something in their lives that they need. Once they realize that that is not enough, they may grow a spine and leave.

For now, your friend is still fine with the situation. Once it gets boring enough, he’ll leave. Just give it some time. Or a quick trip to thailand.

As for the girl, she’s got a choice too. And for some reason, right now, she wants to be this guy’s toilet paper that he can wipe his ass on. Everyone’s got a choice. So, don’t judge what makes her happy. If she’s not happy with the situation, she can and will ditch him.

No one is trapped in anything. :unamused:

Reconsider who and what your friends are. I think one can ascertain a whole lot about a person’s personality by who they are friends with (or so my momma said and damned if she wasn’t right AGAIN!) :sunglasses:

(Edited by popular demand :slight_smile:

[quote=“kellohitty”]Your friend has no spine. I don’t count him as a man.

Your friend’s gf is a carpet, but she doesn’t mind being used.

You don’t really know their situation. People are together for the weirdest reasons and they are together because their partners fullfill something in their lives that they need. Once they realize that that is not enough, they may grow a spine and leave.

For now, your friend is still fine with the situation. Once it gets boring enough, he’ll leave. Just give it some time. Or a quick trip to Thailand.

As for the girl, she’s got a choice too. And for some reason, right now, she wants to be this guy’s toilet paper that he can wipe his ass on. Everyone’s got a choice. So, don’t judge what makes her happy. If she’s not happy with the situation, she can and will ditch him.

No one is trapped in anything. :unamused:[/quote]

This is exactly why it’s a codependant relationship.
[color=brown]They are emotionally trapped and cannot get out of this mess alone. [/color]
He’s doing the right thing in asking for help because the couple he’s talking about need professional help.

Here is some information from
[color=blue]http://www.times10.org/codependant.htm[/color]

I hope it helps.

SOME EXCERPTS

[color=olive]
Co-Dependencies
[/color]

The definition of co-dependency is more of an understanding of a concept. As a result of its complexities, a simple definition is not suitable. However, when one is able to understand the many concepts, then a definition becomes clear. Simply stated, co-dependency/co-dependencies is a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms. This is a result of coming out of an alcoholic or drug addicted home or otherwise preoccupied family. In these types of homes there are three messages:

a. don’t talk

b. don’t feel

c. don’t trust

In a healthy family, members can talk, can feel, and they can tell the truth. Living in an environment where one feels as if they’re constantly “walking on egg shells” and “waiting for the other shoe to drop” causes a great deal of stress and anxiety. This stress/anxiety is heightened when there are rigid, inflexible rules and belief systems imposed on people trapped in one of these families. As a result, the co-dependent develops habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms in an attempt to survive: such as - my fear of rejection determines what I say or do or, I like to avoid your anger. Further to this, these mechanisms cause the co-dependent to be out of touch with who they are because they have been in a mind altering experience.

[color=brown]
The end result is an inability to maintain functional relationships. In fact, co-dependents don’t have relationships so much as they take “hostages”.
[/color]

[color=brown]
They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity
, [/color] value and well being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions, which at times, they have used to cope with their co-dependencies. The bottom line here is that the addictions that manifest themselves may possibly be, symptoms of a co-dependent personality.

[color=brown]
Dynamics of Co-Dependents
[/color]

  1. Out of touch with their own experience: They have been in a mood altering experience, and this leads to [color=brown]neglect of their needs[/color]. We normally say things such as “I used to do that at one time”, etc.

  2. Their feelings are discounted: They [color=brown]do not know how they have the right to feel[/color]. They show anger a great deal which protects them from exhibiting other feelings.

  3. A great deal of emotional pain.

  4. Learned not to ask for help: They have overwhelming feelings of being on their own and you should never ask for help because then you really are on your own.

  5. Not able to get needs met:
    Not only are they not able to get their needs met, they can’t even identify their needs.

  6. They mistake feelings: [color=blue]They mistake feelings such as control for security, intensity for intimacy and obsession for fear.[/color]

[color=brown]7. They have extreme high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour.[/color]

  1. Co-dependents adjust constantly but never make any real changes.

  2. Co-dependents are compulsive about pretending: They do not tell the truth, they react constantly to the alcoholic and other people and always put up the front that everything is OK.

  3. They come to know that the reason things are bad is because of them: Co-Dependent Characteristics

a. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

b. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you.

c. Your struggle affects my serenity.
[color=blue]My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.[/color]

[color=orange]
Part of the recovery process is when we can see and acknowledge our behaviour.
[/color]Be patient, live and let God, and, above all, be good to yourself.

Here are some daily affirmations that will assist in getting in touch with you.

Just for Today I will respect my own and other’s boundaries.

Just for Today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.

Just for Today I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.

Just for Today I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else.

I forgive myself for hurting myself and others

I forgive myself for letting others hurt me

I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love

I am willing to accept love

I am not alone, I am one with God and the universe.

Persephone, that was a really bad idea IMHO. How on earth can you read so much into this???

The guy is simply spoiled, the situation is too comfortable for him not to do antyhing. It’s not professional help he needs but rather a look into the mirror which will hopefully help him find his spine, just as kellohitty wrote above.

PS1: If you provide a link to the text then why paste the whole 500 lines of it?

PS2: Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate that you have done this in order to help.

It didn’t sound like he was mentally ill to me in the post. If he is, by all means, I agree with Persephone, get some professional help.

But if I can’t hold a job because I’m too lazy to show up for work, can I say I’ve got depression?
If I use someone for sex even if I’m not really emotionally into them but I like their body and availability, can I say I have fear of commitment?
If I am obese because I like eating chocolate and fatty foods for all 5 meals and hate to exercise, can I say I’ve got a eating disorder?

Yes, some people really do have problems. But is everything an disorder/mental illness?
Can we step up sometimes and just admit we are lazy/selfish and it’s really our own fault? What’s with always blaming it on something/someone else other than yourself? :s

So you have an disorder of some kind. Get help. Or help yourself. You can’t always expect other people to be responsible for you, that’s your job.

But in this case, it looks like the guy’s got a friend. Everyone needs help sometimes. :help:

The guy has been in a loveless relationship with his girlfriend for a year and a half. According to the OP, he treats her like an inferior. He claims he would dump her in a flash if the right girl came along. He is obviously resisting the OP’s attempts to reason with him and acknowledge the current and future harm he is causing his girlfriend.

Both the fact that this guy has been in this relationship for so long and that he fails to feel any sort of sympathy for his girlfriend indicate to me that he has some serious self-esteem issues and fears that need to be confronted. The girl also has some obvious issues as she is allowing herself to be treated in this manner. If they were married, and he physically hit her instead of just emotionally beating her by always keeping his commitment to their relationship in doubt, I think you guys would be more understanding of their situation.

It’s easy just to say that people are selfish/lazy jerks. It’s more difficult to figure out why and put an end to bad habits. The OP is looking for help, not jokes, trite answers, and name-calling.

Maybe you think my post went overboard and doesn’t apply to this case. But, then again, maybe it does. Or maybe there’s someone out there reading this thread who does need the information I provided. This post is for THEM. “Small” problems can easily lead to “disorders” if left unchecked.

I agree that not everyone needs a therapist or medication. Most of the time church, friends, or a journal are sufficient. But, when all else fails, get professional help.

I like how you try to be helpful, Persephone. Good information.

Co-dependency is not a mental illness or disorder. It’s a cluster of relational patterns that have been identified in order to help some folks to see if there are better choices they can make in order to create more meaningful relationships in their lives…you know, just in case they weren’ taught how in the families they grew up in. As with everything else, there is a range. Some folks may be seeing just hints of themselves in the descriptions, while others resonate with the descriptions deeply. Sure, some of these folks could even be lazy and selfish, just like the next human being…why can’t it be both? We are multi-layered creatures, aren’t we?

In this particular case, guy could be deadbeat, totally apathetic, a loser and a user who has no regard for others and no spine, and the girl some kind of toilet paper that’s gonna get shit stuck on her. Who knows? I prefer not to jump to that as the conclusion, just because I know I make mistakes myself and I’d prefer not to be judged but to be understood, listened to, and forgiven if indeed I have sinned.

By the way, who says not everyone could use a therapist? I say that almost everyone can use a therapist! :wink:

You must ask yourself this: What business is it of yours? Do you secretly want this girl and your trying to get them apart for you? Is she happy? Is he happy? If so, I don’t see a problem.

The problem is that he doesn’t love her the way she wants him to.

He doesn’t want to be with her long term, he knows she’s not the type of girl he wants. But he is comfortable. He has someone who worships him and would do anything to please him. That’s what makes her boring I guess.

And I guess him not giving her the love and making her feel the way she wants to feel is what keeps her “madly in love” with him.

Tell your buddy he’s just wasting her time and his time.

If he would drop her in a flash, then he should not continue being with her. If she’s really of that little value to him, perhaps he should tell her so and break it off. Why would he want to maintain a relationship of so little value?

He might think she’s a swell person and all, but he knows that if he continues this relationship and then “leaves her in a flash”, he’ll basically be tearing her heart out and leaving it by the side of the road to bleed.

Prolonging this pointless relationship will only increase the attachment the girl has to your friend. And the more she loves him, the angrier she will get when she realises that your friend will never want her as a life partner. The angrier she is, the more pain, bitterness, and desperation she will feel.

He should stop seeing her. If they are living together, they should seperate as soon as possible. He should tell her the truth, that he does not have romantic feelings for her, and he never will.

Then perhaps they should not see each other for a while. Maybe they can exchange friendly emails or friendly chats. But none of that “I still love you, I miss you, I wish we were back together” bullshit. They should only start meeting again when he is sure the girl is no longer in love with him. Then maybe they can be friends. But my bet is that she will learn to hate him for leading her on when there was no hope anyway.

He can break it. He’s just too comfortable. At the very least he should be honest with her about how he feels(or rather, doesn’t feel) about her.

If he really cares about her, he would not want to lead her on and fuck around with her emotions at his convenience. Especially not when he knows he will tear her world apart when he finally tosses her like a used tissue.

Once again lupi cuts through the psycho babble and comes up with some cut to the chase good sage advice. I’ve always said she was a genius and anticipate waiting in line for tickets to her show. By that time she will have forgotten who I am and that will be a good thing.

I am in no way interested in having this woman in my life in any regard. I was brought into this situation as a result of him disclosing it to me bi-weekly for the last 1.5 years.
Obviously you have not experienced the power of loving someone to the point that you sacrifice yourself and all your best interests. She is a nice person and he is my friend. She deserves to be put out of her misery and have a chance at being loved by someone. He should give himself the opportunity to meet “The Right Girl”.
She is clearly a victim of her love for him. It has left her vulnerable. It is similar to him being in the position of taking advantage of a child who just doesn’t know any better. He is aware of the situation, which makes him responsible to end it. She is in no way in control of this situation.
He has also told me…“She has chosen to continue this relationship.” THis statemant makes him void of any responsibility and show how little true empathy he has for this situation.

So…you dont see a problem with a woman sacrificing her self-esteem and moral fabric to convince a man to love her, who is clearly using the relationship to manage his life, void of any real intimacy? Perhaps you are in/ or have been in this situation and are trying to rationalize it yourself

I have empathy for them both, as i have seen both sides of the coin myself. It is a pathetic situation, and if I care about them at all… I will do what I can to pass on the knowledge to help this painful and illusional realtionship to come to an end.

She is a victim of her love and is sacrificing herself emotionally and morally in persuit of the illusion that he will someday love her. He is aware of the situation. She is in no way in control of it.

Perhaps you are trying to releive yourself from your own guilt from the past by trying to rationalize this situation as he does everyday? Perhaps you can read the other posts for yourself and try feel something.

Why am I involved?

I once saw an animal was lying on the road after it was maimed by a car. It was in a terminal state and so sad to see suffering. All I could do is put it out of its misery.

Gee, can’t wait until she is in a vunerable state so I can scoop her up and betray my friend at the same time. :loco:

Agree with Bob on lupillus comments. A damned good call.

Having pretty much recently endured much the same - but over an 8 year period - I read the OP with a mix of sadness and horrendous guilt. In my case I hoped absence would make the heart fonder . . . fortunately/unfortunately, I met someone else. That is derfinitely the wrong way.

If the answer is clear, bite the bullet for the sake of you both.

HG

If I’m reading the title of the post right, I’d like to provide a two word answer.

“with compassion”

Seriously, if the woman really loves the guy, it’s got to be hard on her to be in the situation she is in. I’m sure she at least suspects, but she’s probably hoping that if she loves him enough, he will eventually love her back. That’s just rough. So when he breaks up with her (Not “if”, but “when” and the sooner the better), please urge him to exhibit some humanity.