How to interpret the signals?

Hi Everyone,

Before I begin to explain the situation, let me tell you a little bit of my background. I’m a Taiwanese born in Taiwan, but went to study in the U.S. when I was 16 and spent six years there. I was such a “good student” in Taiwan (by local standard, at least, which means studying all day with little interaction with others = poor interpersonal skills) and only got better when I came to the States. Which means that most of the social interactions I’m used to are American ones, and that I know nothing about Taiwanese social interactions rules.

While at Taiwan, I work as an English/math/science tutor for rich families’ children who attend bilingual schools. I majored in math and physics in college and am planning to become a high school physics teacher. The tutoring experience in Taiwan is somewhat helpful, however I am getting frustrated at my student’s performance and beginning to doubt my ability to teach.

While working as an English tutor for a 4th grade girl, I became acquainted with the math tutor, Mr. Wu, who teaches the little girl’s brother the same time as I. We’ll occasionally exchange a word or two when we bump into each other before/after lessons. After getting very frustrated about my teaching in math, I decide to ask Mr. Wu advice by asking him out for lunch. I already have a boyfriend of three years that I plan to marry, and I have mentioned him a couple times in chatting with Mr. Wu. So I think both he and I are clear that the lunch meeting is just going to be a meeting between friends and nothing else.

Nevertheless, somethings that occurred over our lunch bothered me a bit and made me wonder if he has other intentions. First, when we were ordering at the counter, he was standing uncomfortably close to me, by American standard. Second, during lunch, he carefully cut off half of his chicken and put it on my plate. I didn’t anticipate that and had already started eating my pasta. I felt bad about it and gave him half of my pasta in return. Third, he suggests we meet next time when in my mind this is only a one time meeting to discuss about teaching.

Now I’ll admit that everytime I read about people’s questions this forum I always think they put too much emphasis on culture and overlook the fact that we are all human. But now I’m beginning to understand the difficulties. If all this had happened in the U.S. I would have known that this guy was probably interested in me. But this is Taiwan and I observe that people here keep a much (physical) smaller space between each other. When I first came to Taiwan, I was angry at how people constantly tried to cut in front of me in line. It’s not after a few months (yeah I’m slow) that I realized when you stand in line, you must stand so close to the person that your lips would touch the front person’s neck when you nod. As for food sharing, one time I went out with my adult students to the Lighthouse grills and it seems that sharing food is normal. They were all girls though.

So anyway, my question is: Do you think this guy is taking an interest in me? And if he is, any suggestions as to let him know that I’m “taken”? I’m terrible at saying no to people and hate to hurt others’ feelings (a common Taiwanese trait which so very often results in ambiguity and misunderstanding, I know). Thanks!

Most girls who are in the environs of TomHill and are aware that they are worthy of my mad stick will usually crap on loudly with shit like, “Oh My boyfriend, Paul, he just …” “And then my boyfriend…”

If you hear that in the first two minutes of being near a girl, you know that a) she wants it, and (sadly,) b) you aint gonna get to give it to her. :no-no:

I’m being a more of pig than usual with my language, but dammit I am horny!

Mr Wu wants to show you what is in his pants. Thats for certain. Is his first name Winston?

No. I’m pretty sure about that.

Don’t share the chicken with boys, it’s slutty.

‘Partners’ don’t mean shit in Taiwan; he probably still thinks it’s worth a crack.

He most definitely wants to have sex with you. Basic male psychology.

He’s been oogling your body, and thinking about what you’d look with your legs stuck in the air like chicken drumsticks. Every glance, every laugh, every shared conversation and lunch brings him closer to his goal–of penetrating you like a skewer.

You can’t penetrate skewers.

He’s sniffing after you, and if you don’t want to play, you’d better make your disinterest plain.

You are getting this all wrong…this is all about the pasta and the chicken. Yep! that’s right, the pasta and the chicken. He was standing so close to you to see what food you will order so he can order something else and share it with you. So when you ordered the pasta he ordered the chicken (unless he ordered first which buggers my theory) and that’s why he gave you half the chicken and you rightly got the hint and gave me half of your pasta, or half of what was left of it after you so hurriedly started tucking into it.

He wants to meet next time to share food with you again. Poor innocent guy, only if he knew how you have him figured out all wrong. He is probably thinking “I hope she has not got me here on false pretenses, to discuss teaching so she can get into my pants especially when she has a boyfriend…should I tell her about my food sharing fetish?”

Its very simple, men are men and if they are not gay they are going to make a play for a girl they fancy. IF the opportunity is there be it a lunch to discuss whatever, the play will be made either consciously or subconsiously, and usually the former.

Me thinks he may be interested in you and giving out a signal as such. It will be up to you to defuse the arousal.

That being said, Taiwanese do tend to stand a bit too close by American standards. Just look at 23 million people on a small rock. How can everyone stay the same distance as Americans do in America? And Taiwanese often are a bit friendlier (a lot friendlier in many cases) then your average American. So maybe he wasnt making a play at you at all. Depends. Are you pretty? How do you compare with the average hottie you see on the MRT? The prettier you are (or sexually expressive as ladies can be a bit less pretty but sexually suggestive nonetheless) the higher the chances hes making a play at you.

And it will be up to you to continue to add your boyfriend in your future conversations to again dis-suade any embarashments. Taiwanese girls usually are ready to date and perhaps have sex with any guy they go out with. And often Taiwanese guys think any girls that go out with them platonic or otherwise is the same.

Having lunch can be seen as a “date” by some.

Heck if some hot chick asked me out to lunch to discuss anything, even the sewage problem and I was interested or if I had perceived any slight interest on her part, I would make a play and ask for a second “meeting”. If she was really not my type , I would defer lunch and get to the matter standing right where I was.

:laughing: Tommy, you really are funny sometimes.

You are getting this all wrong…this is all about the pasta and the chicken. Yep! that’s right, the pasta and the chicken. He was standing so close to you to see what food you will order so he can order something else and share it with you. So when you ordered the pasta he ordered the chicken (unless he ordered first which buggers my theory) and that’s why he gave you half the chicken and you rightly got the hint and gave me half of your pasta, or half of what was left of it after you so hurriedly started tucking into it.
[/quote]

I did order first, so maybe there is a chance that you were right.

Sorry, no advice about the pork-swording aspect. But FUCK! You work at a place where you get PASTA? and CHICKEN? Not a greasy fried ji-tui, either, but actual chicken that’s soft enough to actually CUT? With a KNIFE?
Goddamn! You’re a lucky lady and no mistake.

[quote=“tommy525”]Its very simple, men are men and if they are not gay they are going to make a play for a girl they fancy. IF the opportunity is there be it a lunch to discuss whatever, the play will be made either consciously or subconsiously, and usually the former.

Me thinks he may be interested in you and giving out a signal as such. It will be up to you to defuse the arousal.

That being said, Taiwanese do tend to stand a bit too close by American standards. Just look at 23 million people on a small rock. How can everyone stay the same distance as Americans do in America? And Taiwanese often are a bit friendlier (a lot friendlier in many cases) then your average American. So maybe he wasn’t making a play at you at all. Depends. Are you pretty? How do you compare with the average hottie you see on the MRT? The prettier you are (or sexually expressive as ladies can be a bit less pretty but sexually suggestive nonetheless) the higher the chances hes making a play at you.

And it will be up to you to continue to add your boyfriend in your future conversations to again dis-suade any embarashments. Taiwanese girls usually are ready to date and perhaps have sex with any guy they go out with. And often Taiwanese guys think any girls that go out with them platonic or otherwise is the same.

Having lunch can be seen as a “date” by some.

Heck if some hot chick asked me out to lunch to discuss anything, even the sewage problem and I was interested or if I had perceived any slight interest on her part, I would make a play and ask for a second “meeting”. If she was really not my type , I would defer lunch and get to the matter standing right where I was.[/quote]

I appreciate your thoughtful reply, Tommy. So far you are the only one who took the cultural aspect into account which is what I need. And no, MRT hotties and I share nothing in common, not in terms of appearances, figures, dresses and styles. I’m tanned and pretty much the only things my mom permits me to wear here are over-sized T-shirts and jeans (the joy of living with parents, yay). At 5’4 and 125 pounds, I’d imagine I’m a bit too chubby for local men’s taste. I’m on the far end of the spectrum from the MRT hotties you so raved about in another post.

Well, I guess that puts your answer to still “depends” or perhaps you want to lean a bit toward “unlikely”? Or maybe he was just doing a charitable deed of taking an unattractive woman out and make her feel “special,” all of which was unasked for?

Thanks for everyone’s response. I guess the answer is clear now. Note that I also ask advice as to how to “make my interest plain.” See, since he didn’t come right up front and ask me for sex (or anything else for that matter), I can’t exactly “reject” him. Also we are still going to bump into each other once every week because of my tutoring job. So how can I “make my interest plain” while not making our weekly encounters awkward? Keep on casually bringing up the subject of the boyfriend and mention him as fiance/husband? My friend did comment that I have such a lively and friendly personality that it is easy for people to get wrong ideas. But hey, I can’t be responsible for every man’s fantasies. Gosh, I’m such a retard in such matters. What am I to do? Fake “unfriendliness”? But why should I change my personality for a man I don’t even care?

I wish someone had written a manual on this that says, “if he does this, then you do that.” Everyone follows the rules and life will be so much simpler…

Exactly. Who gives a shit? Just say ‘no’ as nicely as you can, if he makes a move. Until then, you’re wasting your energy on nothing.

[quote=“oink”][quote=“tommy525”]Its very simple, men are men and if they are not gay they are going to make a play for a girl they fancy. IF the opportunity is there be it a lunch to discuss whatever, the play will be made either consciously or subconsiously, and usually the former.

Me thinks he may be interested in you and giving out a signal as such. It will be up to you to defuse the arousal.

That being said, Taiwanese do tend to stand a bit too close by American standards. Just look at 23 million people on a small rock. How can everyone stay the same distance as Americans do in America? And Taiwanese often are a bit friendlier (a lot friendlier in many cases) then your average American. So maybe he wasn’t making a play at you at all. Depends. Are you pretty? How do you compare with the average hottie you see on the MRT? The prettier you are (or sexually expressive as ladies can be a bit less pretty but sexually suggestive nonetheless) the higher the chances hes making a play at you.

And it will be up to you to continue to add your boyfriend in your future conversations to again dis-suade any embarashments. Taiwanese girls usually are ready to date and perhaps have sex with any guy they go out with. And often Taiwanese guys think any girls that go out with them platonic or otherwise is the same.

Having lunch can be seen as a “date” by some.

Heck if some hot chick asked me out to lunch to discuss anything, even the sewage problem and I was interested or if I had perceived any slight interest on her part, I would make a play and ask for a second “meeting”. If she was really not my type , I would defer lunch and get to the matter standing right where I was.[/quote]

I appreciate your thoughtful reply, Tommy. So far you are the only one who took the cultural aspect into account which is what I need. And no, MRT hotties and I share nothing in common, not in terms of appearances, figures, dresses and styles. I’m tanned and pretty much the only things my mom permits me to wear here are over-sized T-shirts and jeans (the joy of living with parents, yay). At 5’4 and 125 pounds, I’d imagine I’m a bit too chubby for local men’s taste. I’m on the far end of the spectrum from the MRT hotties you so raved about in another post.

Well, I guess that puts your answer to still “depends” or perhaps you want to lean a bit toward “unlikely”? Or maybe he was just doing a charitable deed of taking an unattractive woman out and make her feel “special,” all of which was unasked for?[/quote]

There are NO unattractive women. Well, okay, there are some, but much fewer than you’d immagine. What am I talking about? Two things: One, probably 98% of women think they’re unattractive because so few of us ever have a body image that remotly resembles the truth.

Two, most men love women almost as much as they love sex. On the 1-10 scale, few men would rate any given woman as lowly as she’d likely rate herself. Men don’t have the same standards of body beauty that women have, PLUS men want to get laid. (This is NOT cultural, btw, thus this is why no one else is addressing it. All men everywhere in every culture in the world want to get laid. If I’m wrong, as I’m not a guy so it’s possible, please correct me, guys.)

If you think that I’m kidding, just read through some of the less intellectual threads around here. Yes, the guys like to post and drool over super models, but they also carry on the same way over very average looking women, too. Women I find very average, but they seem to find very attractive. And there are certain guys here who have posted numerous times that most Taiwanese women are too thin, that they actually LIKE curves.

Anyway, I’m posting this because your post above distrubed me a bit. You don’t seem to have a health self image and it’s hurting your self esteem. I don’t either! Since I’ve been back in the States I’ve gained a lot that I’d worked hard to lose before. Lots of reasons for it and I’m trying to do something about it, but I don’t feel pretty. I feel like I look like a mom. That’s okay, of course, because I AM a mom, but I used to be kinda hot~! But you know, this is just how I feel. I’ve very tough on my self in the mirror, but every once in a while, some dumbass man will say something that lets me know that he doesn’t see me the same way I see myself. So, buck up, girl. Be a WOMAN. Walk out the door in a skirt one morning and I promise your, your mom will still love you. Your boyfriend might love you even more.

[quote=“housecat”]

There are NO unattractive women. Well, okay, there are some, but much fewer than you’d immagine. What am I talking about? Two things: One, probably 98% of women think they’re unattractive because so few of us ever have a body image that remotly resembles the truth.

Two, most men love women almost as much as they love sex. On the 1-10 scale, few men would rate any given woman as lowly as she’d likely rate herself. Men don’t have the same standards of body beauty that women have, PLUS men want to get laid. (This is NOT cultural, btw, thus this is why no one else is addressing it. All men everywhere in every culture in the world want to get laid. If I’m wrong, as I’m not a guy so it’s possible, please correct me, guys.)

If you think that I’m kidding, just read through some of the less intellectual threads around here. Yes, the guys like to post and drool over super models, but they also carry on the same way over very average looking women, too. Women I find very average, but they seem to find very attractive. And there are certain guys here who have posted numerous times that most Taiwanese women are too thin, that they actually LIKE curves.

Anyway, I’m posting this because your post above distrubed me a bit. You don’t seem to have a health self image and it’s hurting your self esteem. I don’t either! Since I’ve been back in the States I’ve gained a lot that I’d worked hard to lose before. Lots of reasons for it and I’m trying to do something about it, but I don’t feel pretty. I feel like I look like a mom. That’s okay, of course, because I am a mom, but I used to be kinda hot~! But you know, this is just how I feel. I’ve very tough on my self in the mirror, but every once in a while, some dumbass man will say something that lets me know that he doesn’t see me the same way I see myself. So, buck up, girl. Be a WOMAN. Walk out the door in a skirt one morning and I promise your, your mom will still love you. Your boyfriend might love you even more.[/quote]

Awww housecat, your post makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside…

Actually, my self-esteem is not as low as it seemed in my post. Not that it’s much higher now, but it definitely used to be lower. Sometimes I wonder if it is another trait of having grown up in Taiwan where everyone was/is so critical. My mother has two daughters, and I’m the darker-skinned of the two. I remember everytime when we visit relatives, they always exclaimed, “you had gotten darker since last time I saw you!” and “Why is your sister fairer - it’s so hard to believe you two are sisters!” And my mom’s joke that she fed me milk powders “meant for black people” when I was baby and my sister “milk powders for white people” certainly didn’t help, either.

My self-esteem has improved since I came to the states, despite my family’s never-exhausting effort of reminding me how fat I’ve become everytime they see me. My boyfriend did most to help, paying compliments to me whenever he can so now I’m at least willing to believe that I’m “cute” (in his eyes, that is). He is still trying to convince me that I’m smart, but so far I still think he is just being nice, or being blinded by love.

There is still a long way to go, I know, but at least it’s improving. I don’t actually think I’m as ugly as it seems to imply in my post response to Tommy. I was just trying to be sarcastic in constructing my image through a local’s eyes. I might be too dark and too fat seen by the locals here. And yes, I used to get hurt from their comments, but now I don’t give a shit anymore because I have something that most local girls don’t have: confidence (only a little bit more).

If I can go off the topic a bit, it bothers me that women here are always-ALWAYS- losing fat, fat that is nonexistent seen through my crude, Americanized eyes. I teach elementary, middle school, and working adults (all females, by some strange coincidence). Whenever I bring desserts (cake or chocolate) to class, no one will touch it. “I’m too fat!” they will say. Apparently my reputation for “not afraid of getting fat” has gone so far that my students often bring sweets to me and say, “teacher, someone gave me this but I can’t eat it because I’m too fat. You take it. You are skinny enough to eat it.” When in fact I weight just as much as they, if not more!

Anyway thanks for those encouraging words, housecat. I do have several mini-skirts and tank-tops that I used to wear as regular summer outfit in the U.S. My mother, a very traditional, conservative Taiwanese woman, forbids me from wearing them because “it doesn’t fit the local custom” (by which I think she means “the custom of our generation 50 years ago”). Now I just can’t wait to get back to the U.S. this summer and emancipate myself in skimpy, inappropriate clothing again. Hooray!

Do you have a heartbeat? Usually that’s all that’s necessary…

That’s what my grandfather always said. What he meant to say was, all women have a heartbeat, so, no worries.

And be free of Mr. Wu. So why worry?

Looks like you (all) think too much, as many in Taiwan do. You asked the guy for advice, he is willing to help you, and shares his chicken with you over lunch. Woaaah, what did he do wrong ?

It now looks like he is a threat to you. And this little event even triggered readers to mention MRT hotties, discuss self esteem, men just want sex, and so on.
Think it is all over-reacting. Wait and see. Then judge.