I feel bad anyway, keeping thoughts to myself.
Wish I could tell acquaintances whatever I want
and not care about annoying or even risking upsetting them
a little bit.
Example:
“So, do you want to meet next week?”
Me: “Erm…yeah,ok…”
I actually planned in advance to say
“Erm,listen, I don’t really think we should meet anymore. We’re not
suited to each other .Sorry. Bye”. But even this sentence isn’t what I really want to say. In my mind I think
“You’re garbage and a parasite and I don’t have fun when I’m with you.You don’t care about me or anything.Why should I hang out with you?!” That’s what I want to be able to say aloud!
Another case,when X keeps speaking to me in English I just want to shout
“OI!! How many times do I have to tell you to speak to me in Chinese?!!Do you want to piss me off or what?!”
But I haven’t let it out yet since I fear a little friction. How can I love friction and conflict?
You don’t have to ‘love’ friction and conflict to stand up for yourself.
“So, do you want to meet next week?”
Me: “Erm…yeah,ok…”
Pushover: Turn up
Passive: Don’t turn up, don’t explain
Assertive: No, sorry, it’s not working for me, bye
Aggressive: You’re garbage and a parasite and I don’t have fun when I’m with you.You don’t care about me or anything. Why should I hang out with you?!
Another case,when X keeps speaking to you in English
Pushover: give in and speak English
Passive: speak Chinese back, no matter what, and see who gives in first
Assertive: I thought we’d agreed to speak Chinese - do you mind? (I’m assuming the other person HAS agreed and it’s not some overly demanding presumption on your part )
Aggressive: “OI!! How many times do I have to tell you to speak to me in Chinese?!!Do you want to piss me off or what?!”
On the second one, I take the Passive option all the time (or have so far). And I can be just stubborn enough to win too If your Chinese is good enough or their English not good enough for the topic at hand, eventually they’ll give up and go back to Chinese.
The passive way sounds the best , it covers up my aggressive streaks aswell as gets the point across which is what I want.
How does one become more assertive I wonder?
BTW I’m not an aggressive asshole…but I’d like to be…Ok, in certain situations…
Sorry, I think in those situations, the ASSERTIVE way is the best. Arranging to meet someone and not turn up is low. By only using Chinese until the other person gives in is just a silly game and a waste of energy. When I feel someone’s not right then I want to be able to instantly tell them to their face on the spot, rather than debating to myself whether I’m out of order and keeping it inside. Everyone says bottling thoughts inside you will make your hair fall out.
A lot of people from western countries seem to think that all emotions are energy that must be dispersed, or expressed, or at least acknowledged lest they cause some kind of mental disturbance. With some emotions I think there is a lot of truth in this. Grief for example. It can certainly help your spirit to have a good wail once in a while especially if you have lost something really precious to you.
Anger is another story I think. Expressing anger can become just another bad habit. Anger expressed will soon be replaced by anger over something else. It is far far better to take a larger perspective on a situation than to get angry about it. Sure “you” want to practice your Chinese. He wants to practice his English. Why not suggest that he speak English and you speak Chinese?
If you try thinking in ways that reduce anger you will find that you become less and less and inclined to it. What a relief. If you want a superb treatment of this and other related topics check out “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama. I read it about two years ago and honestly my lfe has not been the same since. Change is possible. So are happiness and contentment.
[quote=“bob”]A lot of people from western countries seem to think that all emotions are energy that must be dispersed, or expressed, or at least acknowledged lest they cause some kind of mental disturbance. With some emotions I think there is a lot of truth in this. Grief for example. It can certainly help your spirit to have a good wail once in a while especially if you have lost something really precious to you.
Anger is another story I think. Expressing anger can become just another bad habit. Anger expressed will soon be replaced by anger over something else. It is far far better to take a larger perspective on a situation than to get angry about it. Sure “you” want to practice your Chinese. He wants to practice his English. Why not suggest that he speak English and you speak Chinese?
If you try thinking in ways that reduce anger you will find that you become less and less and inclined to it. What a relief. If you want a superb treatment of this and other related topics check out “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama. I read it about two years ago and honestly my lfe has not been the same since. Change is possible. So are happiness and contentment.[/quote]
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If your Chinese is good enough or their English not good enough for the topic at hand, eventually they’ll give up and go back to Chinese.
As the quietest person in my family and the only one to lose my hair I can see the truth in it… but too late 