Impending parenthood funkathon

So in three weeks I’ll be a dad, so they tell me. I’m filling my fine lavender velvet pantaloons with fertilizer. My wife has actual conversations with the brat-to-be – they’re a bit one-sided, admittedly, but there’s a real bond there. Me, on other hand, just sees a fat wife who’s about to be slashed open. Is this normal? I’m supposed to be ecstatic, after all – amn’t I? I don’t. I feel resentment along with the excitement. This is a feeling I didn’t expect and I don’t like it. Also, my freedom is being wrested from me by this wriggling thing inside the old lady. I don’t like having this thought, either.
I’m terrified that I’m not going to get “with” this new little life coming into our home. I SO want to. Have any of you dads ever felt like this? Is it cause for corcern? Would it a BAD thing for me to pack a small bag and take off for rural Vietnam or something?
OK, so this is written with my usual jocularity, but actually I’m serious. I don’t really feel a bond with the bump.

Maybe you should have thought about this 9 months ago. Seriously? are you serious?

Deadly serious, thanks. These are the thoughts I’m having right now. I’m not kidding. I’m scared. And your “are you serious” jibes are very far from helpful, thanks.

Hang in there baby. I wasn’t much keen on having kids and didn’t bond with the thing in the belly, but once it comes out it’s all right. The babies have the self-defense mechanism that makes them look so cute that you forget all about eating them. You’ll be fine.

Congrats Sandy. After 5 months of being a dad I feel the same way. Time is no longer you’re own, you can’t do what you what you want when you want. I know it’s selfish but quite frankly I want my life back!!.

Don’t get me wrong, as a person I love my son, he’s funny, smiley and all in all a real joy, but as a species babies are an inconvenience, when they’re not throwing up they need feeding. When they’re asleep you can’t go anywhere or do anything. If they get too tired they can’t sleep and then they’re grumpy. And on and on and on

Last weekend we had our anniversary and it was a welcome relief to hand him to his Ama and behave without responsibility for a day.

I understand that it gets better when they can actually do something with you, but thats a bit of wait.

Good luck, at the beginning it’s certainly a life changing experience, some good some bad but you won’t have experienced anything like it before no matter how many friends you have with kids.

All the best

I can’t say I did, but i don’t remember any strong feelings really until the actual birth. Many would disagree, judging from expectant parents i have seen but i’d still say it’s a bit harder to have a bond with a bump. It will come out so I guess you may as well wait until then for any teeth gnashing and resentment, though i really expect once you pick him/her up you will reevaluate. don’t miss the birth if possible.

Congratulations…I guess.

Of course there is, you should try, the baby respond to the father as well.

No and it’s pretty sad.

Damn right

resentment? I have no idea what you are talking about.

I bet you don’t, I wouldn’t either.

No it won’t.

Sure you will. Just wait to see him/her.

Nop

Nop

You are not asking this really.
Is that helping better?

Relax!

You’re gonna be fine.

You’re smart . . . well, smarter than the kid will be for a few years.

You’ve got a sense of humor . . . the kind that an infant can appreciate.

You’ll do just fine.

I gotta say that I don’t much care for little babies myself. The first six months are not very rewarding for me. Lack of sleep is the worst of it.
Then, when they can crawl, eat solid food, and babble, it gets better.

Once they turn one and can walk and say a few words, you can take 'em to the park. That makes it even more interesting.

By two, you can read 'em stories, have something like a conversation, and life is fantastic. (Don’t believe the “terrible twos” BS.)

They are cute for the next years, and they think you are GOD.

My kids haven’t reached their teens yet, so check in with me later . . . By most accounts, they won’t want to share a sidewalk with you during their teen years.

And remember, there is NO guarantee that they won’t reject everything that you hold sacred (The Rolling Stones, Precision Marching, Synchronized Swimming . . .).

Good Luck!

Pretty common to feel like this, Sandman. Of course few people admit it, so all you’ll hear is “wow, my life now has meaning”, “I’m overjoyed”, etc.

Truth is, you can’t force yourself to bond with them. I didn’t bond AT ALL with either of my kids while they were still inside my wife. My son, I didn’t bond with OUTSIDE the womb for ages. My daughter I bonded with a bit quicker.

You WILL lose some freedom, but you have to buck up and re-prioritize your life a bit. Do not blame your kid if you don’t get to play with your instrument as much or get to go out as much. You have new responsibilities and you need to remind yourself of this.

You’ll be OK, seriously, even if you feel like a crap dad at the beginning. Don’t pressure yourself into fitting the doting-dad stereotype.

[quote=“sandman”]So in three weeks I’ll be a dad, so they tell me. I’m filling my fine lavender velvet pantaloons with fertilizer. My wife has actual conversations with the brat-to-be – they’re a bit one-sided, admittedly, but there’s a real bond there. Me, on other hand, just sees a fat wife who’s about to be slashed open. Is this normal? I’m supposed to be ecstatic, after all – amn’t I? I don’t. I feel resentment along with the excitement. This is a feeling I didn’t expect and I don’t like it. Also, my freedom is being wrested from me by this wriggling thing inside the old lady. I don’t like having this thought, either.
I’m terrified that I’m not going to get “with” this new little life coming into our home. I SO want to. Have any of you dads ever felt like this? Is it cause for corcern? Would it a BAD thing for me to pack a small bag and take off for rural Vietnam or something?
OK, so this is written with my usual jocularity, but actually I’m serious. I don’t really feel a bond with the bump.[/quote]

I did. I felt exactly the same as you describe. I know I love my boy a lot, but I have always felt that it wasn’t quite fair to our relationship that we had a kid. I wouldn’t give my boy up for the world, or my life, but on the other hand, if I could go back in time and was offered the same choice again, knowing what life is like now, but not knowing anything about my future child, then I would choose no kids. I know that seems really cold.

I could be driving around the British countryside now in a two seater sports car. Ho, hum. Such is life. You just have to appreciate life for what it is, not what it could have been. I can’t regret our choice, even though it was based on my wife being too old already to ponder having kids in a few more years. We just did it! Damn those Nike adverts! :laughing:

I think it’s normal to have mixed feelings, including anxiety. Get extra exercise, which will help with the anxiety. Seriously, it really helps.

And don’t worry, when baby appears, your hormones will change, and you’ll feel more parenty. You’ll be a changed man, and soon your posts will remind us of Ned Flanders.

Oh, and congrats! :slight_smile:

Dammit! I read the thread title and was expecting to find out about a special Ramblers party gig. :laughing:

Sandyman, two of my freedom-loving, party-throwing, late-night playing buddies felt the same way when they became expectant fathers, but then, pretty soon after the birth, they found that all their priorities rearranged themselves in order to make baby - their new, previously dreaded responsibility - numero uno in their life … willingly. It was like they finally discovered what life was all about and what was really important to them, and they loved it. They still do.

I’m not surprised that you’re a wee bit behind mum in the bonding phase; the only experience you’ve had that comes anywhere close was when you got constipated last year after neglecting your fibres.

I’d say that what you’re feeling is totally natural, as is the sheer elation and joy you will feel once that bump becomes a little person.

So, when is the funkathon anyway? Should I bring a bottle and groovy pants?

Holy Cow, mate, I’m kind of dumbfounded.
Place me firmly in the igorveni camp, and colour me amazed, I thought everyone felt like me.
(Please note: the following is not meant in ANY WAY whatsoever to besmirch upon those whose experience may vary, I repeat in ANY WAY, so back the fuck off areddy)
By the time the chieflette had arrived, I felt like we’d known each other for ages.
I had already, for months, been in the habit of talking to her daily up against Mrs. the chief’s tummy, playing all kinds of music to her via headphones on said tummy, I’d written pages and pages of letters to her talking about the future, I was way more into it than the wife…
I make this joke, but I swear, when she emerged (me being the second human in the world, and the first non-wog, to actually see her), and laid eyes on me, it was exactly like "Oh, so that’s what the Big Guy looks like…
So, apparently, one’s MMV, esp. since me & igor appear to be in the minority here.

Oh yeah, whether this is germane or not, I don’t know, but it may be worth noting that the chieflette has, from day one, always been, and continues to be, decidedly, her Mama’s girl, with me running a medium to far second in the affection ratings, so like, WTF-ever…

Sand Damn, it is time to grow up. yer oen childhood is past the drain lad.

Seriously, be there when he/she pops out. You’l even forget what you wrote today.

Everyone’s different. Don’t sweat it.

I felt as the Chief did (or at least that’s how I recall it), but if you feel differently so be it. No use beating yourself up over it, or trying to feel something you don’t.

Certainly there’s much cause for nervousness, anxiety and even resentment (especially when the mom and her sisters, mother, friends, etc. are blabbering away excitedly in Chinese, making all these “critical” decisions about your kin, leaving you oblivious to what they’re saying – if your Chinese skills are like mine – and wondering what the hell they’re doing with your kid).

And your life will be forever, hugely changed. If you thought the wife was a ball and chain, wait till baby appears. Ha ha ha.

BUT, it is fantastic seeing that newborn baby and it only gets better as time progresses. Baby is exciting, toddler is better. Toddler is cool, but talking is way cool. Talking is great, but reading and writing – holy shit. You’re about to embark on a fantasic adventure. Don’t worry if you’re less than thrilled now; I can’t imagine you won’t quickly get hooked once the ride really begins.

For me, nothing is more exciting in life than my child. Nothing else comes close. I expect you’ll feel the same way when he/she arrives.

sandad, I don’t know fatherhood, but I know you. I know how you felt before you plumped up the missus, so I’m pretty sure this is a case of sudden cold feet or hormones or whatever and that it will pass. Iris, DB and MT are who you should be listening to and not worry too much about it. Things will fall into place. There are sitcoms and hollywood movies written about it, so it must be true. You’ll bond when the time is right for the two of you. Once the panic subsides I’m sure it’ll come back to you how much you wanted this.

Don’t sweat it that you’re not special like the chief. He once admitted to me that he was relieved to find out he’s getting a girl, cuz he could now openly have pink scarfs and barbie dolls around the house.

As for the loss of freedom. Yeah, you bet! You can’t have it all, it’s a give and take, of course.
But remember this, you were once a hard-core playa, and you traded it in for what you now have with the missus. Was it worth it? From what I know, yes. And let’s be honest, you have a lot of freedom in that relationship, by any standards. Which is how things should be, imo.
But all those years ago you could have chosen to stay alone and free. No missus, no baby. Just you and the open road. Would you be happy today?

Waoo, I was getting worried reading all these responses. Thank god the Chief posted.
I sure thought everybody was feeling like me, meaning in heaven from day one (when the news came the wife was pregnant), I must have been the most ridiculous soon-to-be-dad ever. You should have seen me in the baby stores and painting the room and singing, dancing, playing music with the little one etc… I was nuts.
Now, did I wonder was I gonna be a good dad? I sure did.
Did I ponder on how life would be after the little would come? I sure did.
But none of that, not bonding, running away feelings, or if-I-could-go-back-in-time-I-wouldn’t-do-it-again feeling. NO WAY!!!

[quote=“tash”]

…cuz he could now openly have pink scarfs and barbie dolls around the house. [/quote]

Oh, and Sandpa, my daughter wants to know when she can have them back.

[quote=“tash”]
…But all those years ago you could have chosen to stay alone and free. No missus, no baby. Just you and the open road. Would you be happy today?[/quote]

Ask me!!! Ask meeee!!!

Sandy -
First of all Congrats and all the best to the Missus, the kiddo and you. See…boinking really does have a consequence.
One thing that might brighten this for you is that now, you will have a semi-captive audience to tell all those stories to about life, experiences, things to do and things to avoid. Soon enough, they will actually understand some of what you say. And after that they will repeat them to the wife…so be warned. One that note, a kid makes an excellent communication tool to bounce ideas off of. They’re pretty smart and have a completely different view on things. And they are surprisingly honest…for the most part. Just remember, everything you tell them will eventually get back to the wife.
They are grand ones to tell stories and parables to; just remember that their young life is much different than your own so you will have to explain a lot of things to them. One should think stories through a bit as somethings can be a bit shocking to a young one. They lack perspective.
And thats what you will be providin’…perspective. And…thats now what you’ll be getting from the child also. A whole new perspective.
Through their young eyes.

Bless ya all.

[quote]But all those years ago you could have chosen to stay alone and free. No missus, no baby. Just you and the open road. Would you be happy today?
[/quote]
The answer is obvious. Maybe. But I can’t imagine it. Thank you all, even big scary dad Igor. I AM looking forward to it – for a lot more than 9 months, Igor – think more like 10 years. But its a scary proposition, specially since I’ll probably be dead before he’s (a he, that’s right. With a knob almost as big as Irishstu’s, I’ve seen the ultrasounds) out of his teens. It’s just… scary. I have very little in the way of peer support, apart from you VERY FINE people on here, and I thank you. I’m almost fucking blubbing, in fact.
And chief? Yer goddamn right about the tunes – he’s been getting the ukulele pressed against his arse (or his head, depending on which way he’s lying – for several months now. No saxophone though. The wife is kind of insistent on the use of cruel and unusual punishment.