In case it all goes pear-shaped

I posted here not that much off a year ago about ongoing problems in my marriage to a Taiwanese woman and I got a LOT of responses. Well, I’m still in that relationship. In many ways, however, it’s a lot better than it was then - a LOT better. But it’s also very, very far from perfect. We haven’t had sex in over a year now, and we’ve spent most of that time sleeping in separate rooms. I gave up on ever getting our sex life back on track, and from then on things actually got easier. We - mostly - get on pretty well these days. We very rarely have huge humdinger arguments like we used to all the time.

Before you ask - as people always do - why I’m still in this relationship: for the same reason people always are. It’s pair-bonding. Pair-bonding is extremely powerful. If you still don’t get it, either you’ve never been in a truly serious relationship, or you’re too young to know. Don’t get me wrong - I’m deeply frustrated with the way things are, but just walking out the door without a care in the world is not an option at this moment in time.

When we do argue, her strategy is nearly always the same: we don’t have to be married, we can get divorced, I can live on my own and be happy…amongst other, less pleasant things she says.

I would be curious to know what my options actually are if I decided, you know what, I’m out of here (the apartment I share). I don’t really know anyone at all in Taiwan beyond the most casual of acquaintances. Returning to my home country isn’t an immediate option either, because it would entail costs I can’t afford right now. I’d most likely need to find myself some place cheap - but where, and without speaking more than a very few words of Mandarin? Are there any go-to solutions for when you need to get out, and establish a temporary space for, say, a couple of months to keep working and keep your life otherwise on track?

What did other people who’ve been in the same situation do?

Do you mean a new place in Taiwan or outside? Kaohsiung and Malaysia spring to mind as decent bolt-holes. Sorry you are having a tough time.

TBH you’re making your situation worse by being unable to speak Chinese. A conversation with a (potential) landlord doesn’t require complex vocabulary. Why not sign up for formal lessons? A year or less will be enough. It’ll get you out of the house, you’ll meet a lot of interesting people, and you’ll get a much-improved quality of life. You’ll also be (somewhat) in control of your life again, which is probably something you badly need right now.

Totally get what you mean about pair-bonding. It’s hard, real hard, when you know what has to be done and can’t do it.

you are too reliant on your wife here. she is holding all the cards right now. i am not being judgemental, i was in a similar situation when i first came to taiwan with my ex gf. get some independence, its the only sane thing to do.

Being in the same tub with your wife is often not the same as being in the same tub with your girlfriend. The former can be non flag raising and the latter full staff.

That being said, marriage is not all about sex, in fact it may not be about sex at all (sadly).

The French may have it right. Pair bonding with your wife and sex with the mistress??

Cept of course, what goes for the gander goes for the goose as well.

Best is to make a situ work as best as possible i guess. Ain’t gonna be perfect, but it is nice when it is at least workable.

Is your problem that you need a cheap place to stay, if you leave, but don’t know enough Chinese to find one…? Okay, where do you live, and what kind of place are we talking about–a hostel bed? (The staff of those generally speak English, but they tend to fill up these days.) An apartment, or room in an apartment? What’s your budget?

[quote=“tommy525”]The French may have it right. Pair bonding with your wife and sex with the mistress??

Cept of course, what goes for the gander goes for the goose as well.[/quote]

Except in Taiwan that’s a felony worth one year in prison, of course :smiley:

What is happening lately? Did all that family time over CNY made everyone consider divorce? :eh:

This:

[quote]
When we do argue, her strategy is nearly always the same: we don’t have to be married, we can get divorced, I can live on my own and be happy…amongst other, less pleasant things she says[/quote]

If she is holding it as a threat, as said, it is because she knows she is holding all the cards and that you are dependent on her. You put yourself in that position. I know it is difficult learning language while holding a job -which I hope you do, but do not mention- and I truly hope you can get an APRC to work independently in case of divorce -which is why we suggest that to married folk, not because we want you to live in Taiwan forever and ever, but rather because we want you to have options in case, as seen, “it all goes pear shaped”.

Also, using divorce as a threat is disrespectful. Any threat is. Where there is love, there is respect. If she treats you like a dependent child, it is first of all because she does not respect you anymore, and also because you act like one. One does not have sex with one’s mother/child. Hence, the lack of sex. No sex doesn’t have to be a biggie as long as you have other ways of showing affection and respect and care for each other’s needs. You tell me when was the last time you felt tenderness, affection, companionship in the relationship.

However, does she mean it as a warning? As in “do not hold on to this so called marriage as if there was nothing else out there, as if your life would be over if you don’t?” Do you think “I cannot live without this woman?”

To be honest, the healthy thing to tell a partner would be: I do not need you. I do not need a green card, I do not need your money, I do not need your name, I do not need you to have sex or make babies. I cannot say the words “I cannot live without you” because for many decades I have. I am an independent adult person. I do not need but want someone to share what I am and what I have with. I am happy on my own. I do not need you to be happy. I want someone to share my life with. Happiness shared is doubled, sorrow shared is halved. We an walk the road together. If you stumble, I can catch you, and I hope you can do the same for me. Respect me and I will respect you and we will go a long way.

Sleeping apart suggests a lack of intimacy; are you still intimate or affectionate in other ways (kissing, hugging, holding hands), or are you basically life-long friends at this stage?

Interesting that you used “pair-bonding” but avoided the L word; ultimately, it comes down to: do you still love her and does she love you?

If I have learned something over the years, it’s to never find myself stuck in the dominated role while the girl is dominant. Really the worse positioin ever, girls won’t hesitate to cut your dick and make a puppet out of you. And it’s what your wife did. She already castrated you and is showing that she got the power. It’s time to push back if you want my opinion. Your so called “paid-bonding” is nothing but a submissive / dominant bonding where YOU are the submissive.

Perhaps you should have a look at MGTOW - mgtow.com/.