Inlaws don't like me - advice / opinions needed

In my mind any relationship that requires or is based on location raises red flags.

No where does it say my relationship is anything other than solid. Been together 3 years happy blah blah blah.

My only question here was relating to her parents, and whether or not their attitude would change IF we decided to move to Taiwan. I was looking for a bit of insight into the culture as a whole, nothing more nothing less. Some people here definitely have preconceived ideas about what will happen, that is fine, i expect that on a forum. I say its not all sacrifice me moving there ( as i know what opportunities i have there ) and some people say NO IT IS ALL SACRIFICE ( when they don’t know what opportunities i have there ). Which again is expected on a forum. But don’t be telling me anything about my relationship when i have told you nothing about my relationship other than its solid.

The fact that every reply you have given is totally off topic raises a red flag in my mind.

So saying that if your relationship is okay, then the parents and location are irrelevant (and vice-versa) is OT?

The culture - traditionally seen:

Until a woman marries, she’s supposed to take her parents word as the gospel. They gave birth to her, raised her etc. she is supposed to heed their every word without question.

This would also apply to who she’s allowed to marry. The parents OK is still important here. If the parents say no, then she’s supposed to dump you fast and without too much fuss.

Also, when it comes to her moving in with you before you are married - most traditional Taiwanese parents would not like it. It is a major blot on any traditional Taiwanese/Chinese’s honor to have their daughter live as somebody’s concubine.

Nowadays they might soften it, so they will merely keep telling her that she’s being unfillial, and that there are many good local guys etc. That would typically be paired with lots of introductions and meets with eliglible backelors. Especially in the past, it was the norm that the parents found a suitable partner for their offspring.

Matchmaking is less prevalent, but it still exists, I have been asked to look for suitable men for the daughters of relatives and relations more than once. (Presumably the parents would have fewer issues with their daughter hitching up with a foreigner, since I was asked to help out).

Note that this - at the least on the surface - a very patricarichal society - men has a higher value than women. A daughter was traditionally an expense, in this day and age many more traditional families will ask for a reverse dowry, IE you will have to reimburse some of the expenses they have had raising her. In practice they will often return all or some of the money to you or her, YMMV.

Also, traditionally, once a daughter is married off, she is supposed to partially break her family bonds with her family, IE traditionally she was only supposed to be able to return to her childhood home one day per year. This has changed to some extent for some. Especially if the husband is a foreigner, they tend to try to gain access to the show.

While a lot of people have softened their attitudes, what I have talked about above would still be at the bedrock of their thinking - judging from what you say more so in the case of your inlaws.

When it comes to you meaning that a lot here is OT - well people who have been there before ran into problems precisely due to the culture, IE experiences and advice to think it over once more is a direct function of what I write above.

Yeah, i am simply asking a question about the ‘parents’, i have no need for advice on my relationship. I am not being rude mate, just trying to keep it on track. You guys would have more knowledge than me on the culture, but not on my relationship. It just seemed this section was the most appropriate to ask in. Location and parents are irrelevant to my relationship, bang on. They will have no bearing on us, like i said we are solid.

Yeah, I am simply asking a question about the ‘parents’, I have no need for advice on my relationship. I am not being rude mate, just trying to keep it on track. You guys would have more knowledge than me on the culture, but not on my relationship. It just seemed this section was the most appropriate to ask in. Location and parents are irrelevant to my relationship, bang on. They will have no bearing on us, like I said we are solid.[/quote]

Well if you are solid then move here. Nobody means to say you can’t make it work. Just a few have been through the same situation as you have now. Only thing is they met their ex wives here. They all had pretty solid relationships at the time too. Got married, had kids, still had the parents in law calling every day wanting to control their daughters life. Then divorce and even more psycho phone calls from the ex wives for ever and ever after that amen dill death do us part.

It’s a lot of fun really. I say come here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain about “traditional Chinese Culture”

If the parents want to be right tossers then no need to get involved with them at all. They will only be a bane on your life.

[quote=“riggers”]
Yeah, I am simply asking a question about the ‘parents’, I have no need for advice on my relationship. I am not being rude mate, just trying to keep it on track. You guys would have more knowledge than me on the culture, but not on my relationship. It just seemed this section was the most appropriate to ask in. Location and parents are irrelevant to my relationship, bang on. They will have no bearing on us, like I said we are solid.[/quote]

You might very well think that, but they won’t. Marriage changes things in taiwan, as others have noted, as does having children. Your “being solid” is of no relevance to them, they want a local boy they can control. They want her back, and nearby, and could (will?) do everything they can to achieve that once she’s here. Expect emotional blackmail in spades, doubled, and maybe some underhand cheating tricks as well.

You need to think about your relationship, and about your future, first and foremost. Parents take a distant back seat. Are you going to pay a dowry? Where will you have the wedding? Who pays for it? How many kids? Where will you live? Do you have a secure, stable job, with good prospects? Do you have a house? What about her, and her job? Where are your kids going to go to school? What kind of childhood do you want your children to have? What relationship do you want your kids to have with their grandkids? Yours and hers? How important is your gf’s relationship with her parents? You with yours? If you live in one country, could you afford visits to the other?

Right? So think along those lines - in both countries. Maybe coming out here for a looksie would be worthwhile, but it would be a damn sight more valuable if you have a set of questions in your head that you want answering. Like, you come out to suss out the folks’ relationship, but you also want to look at kids schools, talk to westerners and locals about Taiwan education, explore job prospects etc. But don’t commit to moving here, and sure as hell don’t tell them you have!

Now you’ve asked one question repeatedly, but the answer seems blindingly obvious to me. Let’s rephrase it.

MIL: We don’t approve. If you want our approval, we want you to be our bitch. Will you be our bitch?
You: If I become your bitch, will our relationship improve?

What do you really, really, in your heart of hearts, think the answer is?
If you want a good (ie non-bitch) relationship with your inlaws, it’s got to be on your terms. To which others have said, “get married, have kids, come for visits, then they’ll come round.”

The dowry will at the very most be 20,000 pounds, a small price to pay for harmony for a few months.

And the bride’s family pays for the wedding, right…? Including plane fares? :laughing: :laughing:

These questions need to be asked and answered. You need some serious discussions with your prospective wife, and then I suspect the question of “what country” will be answered well before you get to you’re inlaws’ sympathies.

[quote=“ice raven”]And the bride’s family pays for the wedding, right…? Including plane fares? :laughing: :laughing:

These questions need to be asked and answered. You need some serious discussions with your prospective wife, and then I suspect the question of “what country” will be answered well before you get to you’re inlaws’ sympathies.[/quote]

The grooms family get the pleasure here in Taiwan, He might need 40k to buy peace for a few weeks.

[quote=“ice raven”]And the bride’s family pays for the wedding, right…? Including plane fares? :laughing: :laughing:

These questions need to be asked and answered. You need some serious discussions with your prospective wife, and then I suspect the question of “what country” will be answered well before you get to you’re inlaws’ sympathies.[/quote]

I have not once asked if my relationship would improve. Another person reading into my question what they think i mean, rather than what i ask.

I have not asked what country ever either, i asked one question, repeatedly as you say because people keep thinking i mean something else.

i appreciate your insight into what i need to discuss with my GF.

Who pays for what , has not been raised by me on here ever. Nor is it an issue.

Children have not been raised on here again becuase i don’t need advice on that.

so you do have indications that they are trying to split you up…

your earlier comment already clears your doubt…they are not going to be satisfied no matter what you do…

if your gf is not going to take a stand and is not going to tell you clearly if she is with you no matter what then even being in the UK is not going to help…

you mention that you do not want anyone to comment on your relationship because no one has any idea about how strong it is, but from your own comments everything is not blissful in heaven…in your own words " more pressure "…

if your gf cannot take a stand then she is going to go crazy being torn between her love for you and her love for her parents…so either you will have to bow and give in to their demands and just come here and see what happens…

Wish you all the best !!!

[quote=“riggers”]
I have not once asked if my relationship would improve. Another person reading into my question what they think I mean, rather than what i ask.[/quote]

YOU said:

[quote=“riggers”]
My only question here was relating to her parents, and whether or not their attitude would change IF we decided to move to Taiwan. [/quote]

So, you explicitly mean “parents’ attitude”, and not “your relationship with the parents”? What’s the difference, and why’s it so important? Good god man, do YOU even understand the parents’ question? What do you think “came to Taiwan” means? What do you think they’re asking? I’m telling you, it means “Will you be our bitch?” On top of the “learn Chinese”, “they’d never met me”, “the problem always changes whenever I provide a solution”, and “the issues always change” in your original post, what else do you think the “move to Taiwan” demand could possibly mean?

IF the MIL’s question is “will you be my bitch?”, and you emigrate to Taiwan, what does that signify?
IF the MIL’s question is “will you be my bitch?”, and you say “sure, let me get my lube”, will the parents’ relationship, sorry, attitude, change?

[quote]I have not asked what country ever either, i asked one question, repeatedly as you say because people keep thinking I mean something else.

i appreciate your insight into what I need to discuss with my GF.

Who pays for what , has not been raised by me on here ever. Nor is it an issue.

Children have not been raised on here again becuase I don’t need advice on that.[/quote]

:astonished: :loco:

Okay, now I AM reading into your statement, where I wasn’t before. You’re rich, young, arrogant as hell, and either you or your partner is sterile or you simply don’t give a rats arse about any prospective children. You have no idea of the differences in the countries, especially with regard to education opportunities, or childhood opportunities, nor do you care because the kids are irrelevant. If you don’t understand how I came to these insights, its because you know nothing of children in Taiwan.

Why are you so damn prickly? I was providing helpful advice! And, speaking about “reading into posts”, what advice did I give? Did I TELL you how to raise children? The only advice I gave was to say, (paraphrased, in case you didn’t pick up on that) do your homework and make an informed decision on where to live, before even thinking about your inlaws’ concerns.

But, whatever. I don’t care. I don’t know you, I don’t care about you, and it’s your life. Jump blind, rest easy in your assumption that you know everything about the world and don’t need anybody’s advice on anything, and do what you want. Have fun!

[quote=“ice raven”][quote=“riggers”]
I have not once asked if my relationship would improve. Another person reading into my question what they think I mean, rather than what i ask.[/quote]

YOU said:

[quote=“riggers”]
My only question here was relating to her parents, and whether or not their attitude would change IF we decided to move to Taiwan. [/quote]

So, you explicitly mean “parents’ attitude”, and not “your relationship with the parents”? What’s the difference, and why’s it so important? Good god man, do YOU even understand the parents’ question? What do you think “came to Taiwan” means? What do you think they’re asking? I’m telling you, it means “Will you be our bitch?” On top of the “learn Chinese”, “they’d never met me”, “the problem always changes whenever I provide a solution”, and “the issues always change” in your original post, what else do you think the “move to Taiwan” demand could possibly mean?

IF the MIL’s question is “will you be my bitch?”, and you emigrate to Taiwan, what does that signify?
IF the MIL’s question is “will you be my bitch?”, and you say “sure, let me get my lube”, will the relationship, sorry, attitude, change?

[quote]I have not asked what country ever either, i asked one question, repeatedly as you say because people keep thinking I mean something else.

i appreciate your insight into what I need to discuss with my GF.

Who pays for what , has not been raised by me on here ever. Nor is it an issue.

Children have not been raised on here again becuase I don’t need advice on that.[/quote]

:astonished: :loco:

Okay, now I am reading into your statement, where I wasn’t before. You’re rich, young, arrogant as hell, and either you or your partner is sterile or you simply don’t give a rats arse about any prospective children. You have no idea of the differences in the countries, especially with regard to education opportunities, or childhood opportunities, nor do you care because the kids are irrelevant. If you don’t understand how I came to these insights, its because you know nothing of children in Taiwan.

Why are you so damn prickly? I was providing helpful advice! And, speaking about “reading into posts”, what advice did I give? Did I TELL you how to raise children? The only advice I gave was to say, (paraphrased, in case you didn’t pick up on that) do your homework and make an informed decision on where to live, before even thinking about your inlaws’ concerns.

But, whatever. I don’t care. I don’t know you, I don’t care about you, and it’s your life. Jump blind, rest easy in your assumption that you know everything about the world and don’t need anybody’s advice on anything, and do what you want. Have fun![/quote]

No i am not being prickly, its very easy to take someone the wrong way on line.

My comment you highlighted, does not mention my relationship with my GF does it ? No it does not, and most people are offering advice on that, and how A B and C will affect that. As i have said i am not worried about our relationship, its solid enough that if things don’t work out there we will just head back here ! Simple. And my life is secure enough here that i can just take 1,2,3 or 10 years out and come back to the exact same point career wise. That makes me lucky i know.

So yeah i was / am solely interested in the parents attitude. Which you have answered succinctly with the ‘bitch’ comments. And that is actually helpful.

Re the kids, not relevant though not sterile ! Just not interested in having them. Not everyone wants them. But trust me my GF has experience in life as a child in Taiwan.

All the other things people are discussing, are things we already know , my GF is Taiwanese after all, she is aware of life in Taiwan. Those things i ask her about. As i am sure you can imagine, asking someone about their own parents / culture and you can’t expect to get an unbiased answer. She thinks they will be fine if we came over there.

So genuinely i am not being prickly, i wanted to discuss one thing, because that is what i needed info on. I wish that was all it took to be young, rich and arrogant ! If i wanted ‘relationship’ advice, in the nicest possible way , i would ask people who know at least one of us. I can discuss all the things i need about life in Taiwan with my GF, i just wanted another perspective on the ‘parents’. I hope that is a little clearer and less prickly

so you do have indications that they are trying to split you up…

your earlier comment already clears your doubt…they are not going to be satisfied no matter what you do…

[/quote]

Like i said in the piece you highlighted, there is no chance of that. They can put pressure on, and more so, that does not mean they will break us, so i am not worried. I don’t like wasting time, especially in situations where i am trying to find a compromise for her family.

Ok Riggers,

I think our problem here, then arises from a misunderstanding.

Where I originally said “Would you coming out here improve your relationship?”, I was meaning “Would you coming out here improve your relationship with her parents”, whereas you interpreted it as being “with your girlfriend”.

All the best!

One is connected to the other.

Me thinks you didn’t negotiate enough. :smiley:

[quote=“ice raven”]Ok Riggers,

I think our problem here, then arises from a misunderstanding.

Where I originally said “Would you coming out here improve your relationship?”, I was meaning “Would you coming out here improve your relationship with her parents”, whereas you interpreted it as being “with your girlfriend”.

All the best![/quote]

Yeah i think you are right. Sorry about that. I was reading all replies , some others are about gf relationship, i put yours in the same bag. I think these kind of conversations are best left for phones or face to face.

Adios all

Me thinks you didn’t negotiate enough. :smiley:[/quote]

I never paid. 6 months before the breakup, my ex wife’s mother raised the issue - a bit late since we had 2 kids and a troubled marriage. She even did it at the CNY dinner.

My response was that if I paid, I expected them to ensure that she behaved like a proper wife. Also, in case no improvement was felt, I expected to be able to send her back for a full refund.

Riggers, if you want to discuss all this face to face, then come over here and look some of us up. I will be more than happy to tell you how all this works, and how you as a foreigner should face the situation.

My missus read all this, and she thinks that 2 visits to the Taiwan a year by you and your GF would do just fine.

You might have a chance to turn them around, however I would not know. There are still elements in my current wife’s family which loathe me and the fact that we are married, however my missus never left any doubt anywhere as to what she wanted.