Insecurity

Just a question here…

In your opinion, is insecurity something that can be overcome within a relationship, or is it something that one must overcome by him or herself? If you wanted to help someone you really care about with this kind of issue, how do you go about it? I’m curious to know…

Honesty is your friend.

HG

What if you are honest? What then?

Sorry MissAnomaly, do you mean if the other party is insecure? I think honesty in the sense of building trust is important. Reassurance and all the usuals too, of course, but a sense of security should come in time, unless you’re dealing with a particularly badly beaten puppy. You know the kind, the ones that whimper and pee themselves at the sight of a human.

Not wanting to upset the vast dog cummunity here with my metaphor, but I think sadly those kind of pups are too far gone and should be put out off their misery.

Cheers.

HG

I assume you mean the person feels insecure. Does the person feel insecure because:

(a) he/she is paranoid/pessimistic/lacks self confidence, or

(b) his/her partner is a cheating, lying scumbag?

If it’s (a), he/she should try to gain self confidence. I don’t know how one does that. Work on physical appearance: lose weight, gain weight, start excercising, get laser eye surgery, braces, a nose job, a boob job or whatever. Actually, excercise is good mentally too, so that’s a biggie. Learn a skill, take up a sport, turn off the TV, get off the fucking couch, quit drinking/smoking/etc. But poor self confidence often results from years of emotional abuse from family, classmates, partners, etc, and it may be impossible to change that or at least would take years of therapy and/or a change in partners/friends/family members or other circumstances.

If it’s (b), dump the loser and try to find someone else who’s not a loser. Or maybe don’t find someone else. Maybe he/she would be better off dumping the loser and spending time working on his/her self confidence.

By saying those folks should be put out of their misery, do you mean not be in a relationship, period? And I guess that here I mean you have been honest, but the other person has decided that you are not someone he or she can believe. Still, you care very much about that person. What can you do then?

Yes, I mean the other party is insecure and very distrustful of you. If that change is required, do you break off? Do you stay on as friends? Do you tough it out with the appropriate patience because you see the possibility for good and need to prove it?

MissAnomaly, I’m sure more will be forthming if you’d spill a little more about your situation. As it is it’s hard to say. I mean, I’ve seen some godawfully insecure vixens in Taiwan. The types that sincerely should not be messed with if one wants to maintain some semblence of sanity. Likewise madly jealous blokes.

I’m guessing since you are asking this and stressing your (?) committment, then this maybe a fairly new thing? Insecurity is commion enough at the outset as all that sexual tension and eagerness to devour each other gets sorted out. Umm, I think.

HG

A bloke. It has been several months. I have never experienced this kind of thing before, so I am in a bit of shock and feeling blindsided. I’ve always been trusted, and I am pretty trusting as well, so I don’t really know how to react in this situation.

Communication solves many problems, but being insecure does not help ya taking a step forward.
It would be easy to say “drop him” , but you do care about him still…

talk with eachother and it will lead to a solution…or to a next step in your life. face it and do not become more and more insecure ok?
Cheer up.

I think there are some obvious parameters to bear in mind, violence being the clearest no no. The rest is up to you, how much are you willing to put up with?

Many moons ago I went through a period of deep insecurity in a relationship, but then I did as it tuern out have cause for insecurity, though maybe not to the level I felt. I did eventually get through it but it did certainly threaten the relationship.

Sounds like you’re starting to feel enough is enough.

HG.

Are you sure you’re not doing anything to trigger his insecurity:

Seeing old boyfriends?
Phone calls with old boyfriends?
Coming home late at night without explanation?
Dancing with other guys?
Flirting with the foreigner at your work?

Not accusing you of such things. Just asking, because it should be easier for you to change your behavior than to change his. If it’s not you, if it’s all him, then good luck.

Thanks for the words on this. There is no violence, nor is there any threat of it. I wonder on certain days how much of it is cultural.

I don’t know if the feeling is so much “enough is enough” as it is the feeling of “Am I helping or hurting?”. I really care about this man very much, and I’ve received conflicting advice from friends that ranges from, “You should not put up with that. Move on” to, “I’ve been in that boat, so I know this situation intimately, and you need to hang in there.”

Good questions, Mother Theresa.

I am not seeing old boyfriends, though some exes are friends I sometimes converse with on the phone.
I come home around 10 p.m. most evenings because of work.
I danced in the past, but realized it upset him, so I stopped.
Flirt with my co-workers, much less have interest in any of them? Yuck.

[quote=“MissAnomaly”].
I danced in the past, but realized it upset him, so I stopped.quote]

If you danced in a KTV, OK, we can partly understand him, but this is not the case…
How much else are you prepared to give away from your identity…:loco:

Your the only one who can solve this and advice from your friends of all us Forumosans will not give the answer to your question unluckily…

The longer you wait the less chance there is to heal the wound.

Very true. I just figured I might ask for some insight from folks who have been here for a fair amount of time themselves and are not so close to me. I will sleep on it. Thanks. :rainbow:

THe own self has a big part in it definitely…but it could be affected by the relationship, so the other person in the relationship could affect it, but it’s always the bigger responsibility is on the self.

True, and also sometimes this sort of situation can be very draining emotionally on the other party in the relationship. Sticking it out should be an option if you only really care about the person and see a long term future with them.

Then again, some of us sub conciously go for the “winged birds” and think we’re helping, yet actually making it worse. In the end, only you really know the answers, as you also know all the variables involved. The rest of us here are just making best guesses…

A man who does not trust you will never treat you as well as you should be treated. It is quite easy: You trust those you respect.
You need to talk to him and let him know that unless he can learn to trust and respect you, he needs to find someone else to deal with his problems.

A lot of people are insecure. I am crazy insecure myself. But anyone with respect for their mate will learn to control it.

Perhaps he has had bad relationships before.

You are still talking to ex-boyfriends. That can make a guy wonder. You went out dancing with other guys. That can make a guy wonder.

If the distrust isn’t very bad and the relationship is otherwise good, I’d say stick with it. The one cure for a lack of confidence is time. Give him time and give him no reason to doubt your sincerity towards him.