Irish jokes


Three old men are out walking…

First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second one says, “No, its Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”


Into a Belfast pub comes Albert Murphy, looking like he’d just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks James, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Albert.

“That little sod, O’Conner,” says James, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Albert, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says James, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have
something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Albert. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight.”


Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and William, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says
here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, William yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

William stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”


A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d
gone deaf.”


Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits

For some unexplained reason, the rug begins to get wet.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning
service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father,
I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father…”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’”


Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door.

“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.” “Of
course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.” Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?” “It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go

“Well, no Brenda … no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”


Morris, an 82 year-old man from Dublin, went to the doctor to get a physical. A week later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

The doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ "

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said,‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!’”

Morris sighed “Is that a second opinion? I liked what you said the first time.”


An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”

my favorite Irish joke:

[In a bar]

Paddy, to girl of unspecified ethnic origin: Have you got any Irish in yer?

Girl: No

Paddy: D’ya want some?