Just a random thought that popped into my head, yet I find it hard to answer this question to myself. I would think kindness matters more, yet I know I like to be right and sometimes I forget the importance of the latter. The perfect solution would be to have both at the same time, but I am more thinking along the lines when the two are in conflict of some sort.
Which is more important to you and why? Care to share your thoughts?
Nope.
Yes.
I think its nice to be kind when you are right.
This, however, can be difficult at times.
Always make sure that you hold the moral highground
always be kind and you’ll always be right. speak softly but carry a big stick just in case. cafones need a beating sometimes.
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Oh I can’t take another heartache
Though you say you’re my friend
I’m at my wits’ end
You say your love is bona fide
But that don’t coincide
With the things that you do
and when I ask you to be nice
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Well I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify, and I wanna know why
I pick myself up off the ground
And have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it’s a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
[quote=“Jubom”]Just a random thought that popped into my head, yet I find it hard to answer this question to myself. I would think kindness matters more, yet I know I like to be right and sometimes I forget the importance of the latter. The perfect solution would be to have both at the same time, but I am more thinking along the lines when the two are in conflict of some sort.
Which is more important to you and why? Care to share your thoughts?[/quote]
It depends on the seriousness of the consequences.
If someone is a terrible Karaoke singer but has no ambitions to sing for a living, it’s better to be kind.
If that same person has ambitions to become a professional singer, it’s better to be right.
This dilemma has been the inspiration of many a comedy and tragedy.
[quote=“Chris”]It depends on the seriousness of the consequences.
If someone is a terrible Karaoke singer but has no ambitions to sing for a living, it’s better to be kind.
If that same person has ambitions to become a professional singer, it’s better to be right.[/quote]
Exactly, and your first example is a good one. But I would change the second scenario as singing is rarely a serious matter.
If that same person works as an air traffic controller and notices that his colleague has screwed up and put two jets on a collision course it’s better to be right.
[quote=“Maoman”]I must be cruel only to be kind.
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind[/quote]
It all depends on the fallout of being right. I mean correcting your boss would be a bad move…discretion is the better part of valour.
Perhaps this is true if self-preservation is your primary objective. However, if your aim is to provide the best possible service to your client or customer, then the boss needs to know when he or she is wrong.
[quote=“Tigerman”][quote=“The Grateful Dead”]
Oh oh, what I want to know
Is are you knd?
[/quote]
I think its nice to be kind when you are right.
This, however, can be difficult at times.[/quote]
This resonates. Thanks for the comment.
I just notice that lately I think about what’s kind and what’s right quite a bit…with various situations.
One of the situations is that I have a childhood girlfriend of 18 years who recently came to visit me in the States. We went to the same junior high school in Taiwan and formed a solid friendship during our youth, and have kept in touch all these years via phone, email, and the yearly gatherings since we live in different countries thereafter. She has been married for at least five years now. It has been a rocky marriage where she has been intensely unhappy. I mean INTENSELY (fights that go nowhere, lack of communication and respect, rage and verbal abuse…etc. She does most of the raging and verbal abusing while her husband withdrews, shuts down and does the occasional passive aggressive deal.)
This has been going on for so long that in the recent years we talk mostly about the troubles of her marriage and nothing else. Sometimes it’s so crappy that all you can do is vent and vent and vent before you are ready to make a change. I know my girlfriend had a rough childhood and has been impacted by it greatly, and I love my friend deeply. My wish which I communicate to her every now and then was that she would find the courage to end the marriage despite the fear of being alone. Most of the time I just listened and pointed out to her what I saw that was going on when asked. (Well, I cut her off when she raged about nonsense, too, and asked her to tell me what was really going on, too.)
A couple of months ago she came to visit me, which was mighty exciting at the time because we didn’t get to see each other that often. However, it was not a happy few days, after all. I found out that my friend is having a full blown affair with a guy that has a steady girlfriend. The plan is that they both break up with their partners and get together. Upon heaing the news, I was happy to see my friend glowing…literally, she was glowing, and I had not seen that in so many years. As time went on, I started to feel really annoyed and uneasy: she wanted to wait until her boyfriend leaves his girlfriend and then break the news to her husband about divorcing and moving out. In the mean time, she has no plan of telling her husband about the affair. She does not plan on telling him ever.
I told my friend that I felt disappointed with her actions of deceiving her husband, even though it made sense to her on a practical level. Coming clean is scary, and why come clean with someone you have tons and tons of resentment, anger, even hatred against? My question which I asked her is that “how are you going to face yourself a few years from now looking back and know that you lied? Who are you with this new behavior emerging? How do you make it fit with what you know of yourself?”
A part of me is finding it hard to respect her now. I believe that in dire times we show our true sense of integrity, and lying is not the way to show it. We lie because we are afraid that truth-telling will lead us to punishment; I understand that. Yet, I still feel strongly about her action and I wanted no part in supporting the action of cheating. A change of heart is natural in life; I believe. How we deal with it shows our character; I also believe. And yes, I am totally judging my friend, and that makes it hard to support her unconditionally.
It was not a happy ending to her visit. To give my friend credit, she listened rather well and just told me that she had no other options, that she would do exactly the same thing if given another chance.
I was even more annoyed, but I let it go at that point. I could see that my friend was very sad and distressed, and I no longer knew what was the right or kind thing to do.
We spoke on the phone once after that. Very brief and I found myself feeling uneasy and wanting to avoid her, knowing full well that she is still having troubles in her marriage and needs my support.
Am I right to impose my own moral standard on her? Is it kind to tell her how I feel about the situation? (I cannot possibly hide a reaction of this magnitude.) What should a good friend do in this situation? This is a 18 year old friendship, and the thought of ending it makes me really sad. I want my friend to be happy. What’s kind and right here?
At times it is right to be kind. At other times, it is kind to be right.
Hope that doesn’t sound silly.
Your situation is a difficult one. I think you have done the right thing, by trying to be both kind and right.
Of course, as you have acknowledged, your own notion of right may not be shared by your friend. Or, even if she agrees, for some reason she has elected to do otherwise.
There isn’t very much else you can do now.
The thing is that she emails and calls and wants to vent or talk about her situation, and I really don’t want to say again how I feel about it yet I find myself wanting to do just that when she initiates the topic. I don’t want to say how I feel about it again because I will just be repeating myself and I recognize that my standards are my standards. I want to tell her again because listening to her pisses me off: her husband sucks, blah blah blah, her mother in law sucks, blah blah blah, her relationship with her new boyfriend is the only thing that makes her feel sane, so on and so on.
I really don’t want to talk to her for a while, and I don’t know if that’s kind. Probably kind for me, not for her…is there a solution to make this a win-win situation?
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you don’t agree with what your friend is doing. You don’t need to deny your moral standards or agree with something that goes against your beliefs.
If she breaks up with her husband I am not sure if she needs to come clean about the affair. What purpose would it serve? Having a long term affair is usually a sign of serious problems in a relationship. It sounds like the marriage was on the rocks even without the affair.
What your friend needs to do is to come to a decision about the marriage. She needs to decide to stay or go and then do it. Why is she waiting for this boyfriend? For all she knows, he may never leave the girlfriend.
In relation to what you should do about it, you need to make some decisions as well. If you really want to keep the friendship going then you should allow her to vent a bit but not make that the sole basis of your conversation. You could encourage her to find someone closer to home that she can talk to. You could try to tell her that you value her friendship and want to remain friends but that you don’t want to talk about the troubled relationship all the time. Try to find some good things to talk about
It’s a tough situation to be in and it would be a shame to let this end such a long friendship.
[quote=“Jubom”]The thing is that she emails and calls and wants to vent or talk about her situation, and I really don’t want to say again how I feel about it yet I find myself wanting to do just that when she initiates the topic. I don’t want to say how I feel about it again because I will just be repeating myself and I recognize that my standards are my standards. I want to tell her again because listening to her pisses me off: her husband sucks, blah blah blah, her mother in law sucks, blah blah blah, her relationship with her new boyfriend is the only thing that makes her feel sane, so on and so on.
I really don’t want to talk to her for a while, and I don’t know if that’s kind. Probably kind for me, not for her…is there a solution to make this a win-win situation?[/quote]
Well let’s see, her husband sucks, her boyfriend is great… what the hell are you doing inthe middle? Do yourself a favour and kindly tell her that your moral values make it right for you not to contact her anymore. Damn…
How about not getting involved?.. that’s be a right kind of decision IMHO
Thanks for the advice, guys. Certainly made me feel better. I told my girlfriend that I wanted to stay out of the situation and perhaps we could talk about other things in our lives, and things got better. We don’t talk as often, but at least there is some sense of peace around this between she and I.
Thanks!
Perhaps this is true if self-preservation is your primary objective. However, if your aim is to provide the best possible service to your client or customer, then the boss needs to know when he or she is wrong.[/quote]
Excellent point, and I agree totally. Unfortunately, Taiwanese bosses usually can’t accept this. I’ve tried being principled and standing up to my bosses when they’re clearly making foolish decisions, and have even gotten into shouting matches with them (bad move, I know), but they never back down when it’s a matter of face for them. This whole damn “face” thing in Taiwan and China is a real detriment to the society and human relations in general. Causes lots and lots of problems, and leads to people being “kind” instead of just telling the truth, which is sometimes much more important, even if the truth may hurt. Just my NT$0.2