Recently I have wondered about one thing (er, recently I have too much time to wonder about too many things!! ) : Is there “the one” for each of us in this world? Even if there is, will “the two” definitely meet each other and even develop a live-happily-ever-after relationship? Do you think your wives/long-time partners are “the one” for you (you can always tell us stories about “your friends” if your partners read posts on Forumosa. )? Or actually you don’t believe such a thing as “the one”?
I have seen some examples that people got or will get married simply because they think they are too old or too tired to find “the one”. As I’m getting older and older at age, I’m afraid that someday this will happen to me too. Is this sad, or is it just common facts? I never thought biological clock would be a problem when it comes to marriage or not, but I might be too naive?!! Or the whole thing is just a matter of timing? Timing isn’t right so you lose your perfect one, and timing is right so you’re with your current not-the-one? So don’t worry and just let what will happen happens when the timing comes? How do you guys/gals think about this, or what stories can you share?
P.S. I don’t know if there’s already a thread talking about this, but I guess it should not matter, as newer posters may want to contribute their thoughts, and older posters may have changed their previous thoughts a bit.
Personally, I think that this “the one” nonsense is a real problem of our times. I see too many people running around being unhappy because they can’t find their “the one” – with the problem being, they’ve decided that their “one” is Tyra Banks, or Nicole Kidman, or Mel Gibson, or Bill Clinton (seems like half of the American left wants to be one of his “ones”), or Bill Gates, or. . . .
So instead of being happy with someone decent, they insist on being single and miserable until they can snag a movie star, corporate executive, or supermodel.
My most recent girlfriend was a perfect example of it. Shortly before we broke up (pretty mutual), she explained that I was the first non-“executive type” (her words) she’d ever dated. Well, ok. But we were pretty good together while it lasted, and it could have lasted a lot longer if she hadn’t been fixated on wanting a rich guy to show off at cocktail parties instead of a decent ordinary guy whom her friends kept telling her she should try to go out with. (They didn’t even know we were actually dating, because she was too embarrassed that I wasn’t an executive to mention it. So they figured we were just good friends with lots of common interests who kept hanging out together and who would make a great couple. . . .)
I met this wonderful guy shortly after my 30th birthday. Within about 3 days of knowing him, I knew I would marry him. We spent 2 wonderful/tormenting/confusing/beautiful years together, and then he said “bye bye, can’t take this. too much love. i’m not ready.” Within a couple of months, I picked up the broken pieces of my heart and made the decision that a friendship with ‘the one’ was better then nothing at all. That was when we really began to click on all levels. Over the next two years we both dated some great people, went through some big changes, grew a lot, and became the best of friends. When I came over here 17 months ago the goodbye was tough; but I felt satisfied that regardless of where we went in life we’d never really lose each other. I went home for the first time in a year this past Feb. He was waiting for me, with a ring in hand and a proposal on his lips. I was floored, dumbfounded, scared shitless. And delighted! I’ll be heading back for good in August, and a year from now we’ll make it official.
I’m not sure if there is ‘the one’ for everyone, but there certainly was for me.
I don’t think there is a “one.” Maybe there are “one” thousand or “one” million.
A big mistake many people make is that they get involved in a relationship with someone who they think is the “one.” Then when the relationship fails they spend the rest of their life miserable and think anyone else is only second best. (It’s also a bit of twisted logic. If that person really was the one why did the relationship fail?).
It is a big wide world out there and there are many opportunities. At there very least there are thousands of people out there who could be potential life partners and with whom you could happily spend the rest of your life with.
There’s more than one one for you out there - somewhere, but you’re lucky if you even meet one of them. I met one of my ones 14 years ago and I missed the boat. So my advice is, if you meet one of your ones, don’t let the chance slip, because you might not meet another.
I think the romantic notion of “The One” is overdone and makes people feel miserable, because they find that their lives aren’t unfolding like a Meg Ryan movie. I recently married the girl who will be my “one”, i.e. our relationship is a work in progress - emphasis on the word work. Things are pretty rosy right now - but we don’t have any money problems, a sick child, a moral test. When these sorts of things come (and they will) our mettle will be tested. True love isn’t going to come easy. Surely there will be disappointments along the way. I believe that faith in something greater than oneself and one’s partner will help sustain a good relationship - in the same way that recovering alcoholics need to recognize a “higher power” to overcome their own weaknesses.
I do my best to not just fulfill the basic requirements of being a good spouse, but also to put her needs and best interests above my own. As she regularly does the same, we’ll be fine.
Don’t ever compromise on your feelings. If you don’t feel completley confident about your capacity to love your spouse wholeheartedly, then you would be doing him a grave disservice by marrying him. Too many people (in Taiwan especially it seems) marry for the wrong reasons: Ta dui wo hen hao… (He’s very good to me) Ta jia hen you qian… (His family has a lot of money) Shijian chabuduole… (It’s time…) Women liange hen shihe… (We’re very suitable for each other) Ta zhui wo hen jiu… (He chased me for a long time) Women renshi hao ji nian… (We’ve known each other for a long time)
The one I always listen for is “I’m crazy about him/her”, or “I’m so in love with him/her”. Even “he’s/she’s my best friend” is will do in a pinch… Follow that up with the determination to love someone twice as hard when the going gets tough, and the recipe for success is set.
Now, how do you meet “The One”? Probably not at TU or any other disco, although it is possible. The thing is, everyone wants an interesting spouse, but isn’t willing to do the interesting things necessary to meet an interesting spouse. Take up a weekend activity, rock-climbing, scuba diving, join a church, do volunteer work, go to company outings, join activity groups, talk to strangers in coffee shops, go to concerts, travel extensively, learn another language, join a gym. Additionally, you might want to do a quick self-appraisal or get a friend to be brutally honest about your appearance. Do your teeth need the attentions of a dentist? Do you have a hairy mole on your chin? Do you need a wardrobe update? Could you stand to lose a few pounds (Who couldn’t?). In the end, even if you don’t find “The One”, you’ll have such a fulfilling life, and be such an interesting person, that you will never be bored or lonely. Hell, I’ll introduce you to all my single friends…
Good post, Maoman. But, I’m going to pick nits anyway. In my notion of marriage, the partners become a single entity, and not only during sex. Thus, while we all need some time to ourselves and we all have some pleasures or interests that are not shared by our partner, I think it best to put OUR needs rather than HER or MY needs first.
But again, I think you’re on the right track, and there is probably a middle ground somewhere between what you have said and what I have said.
That gets a “hit the nail on the head” rating. I discovered this for myself (or should I say we discovered this ourselves) when we lost our kid several years ago. Nothing like a little adversity to find out whether you are truly made for each other or not.
I agree completely. It’s a bit of an alien concept here though. My Taiwanese friends don’t think that way at all. Of course, I also don’t have many Taiwanese friends with happy marriages. Usually they just tolerate each other.
[quote=“Alleycat”]I totally agree with you guys. Yet, I still hop around like a kid, wanting to get my own way. Our marriage has only lasted because my wife is the most tolerant and forgiving person I have met.
I should and wish to be more like her.[/quote]
This reminds me of the transactional analysis view of relationships.
There are basically 3 kinds of relationship between adults:
Adult / Adult. Two people treating each other as equals
Adult /Child . One person acts like an adult the other like a child. Some
realtionships seem to work OK with this provided that both
parties are happy with thier roles “My Husband/ wife
wouldnt let me do that” is a typical comment from this type
of relationship. Big problems aise if the “child” gets say a
better job than the “adult”.
Child/Child Can be fun at first but often doomed to failure.
One of the best definitions I heard for a good relationship was that the relationship is a bird & the 2 partners are the wings. For the bird to fly high both partners should be equal & strong.
I think there are many people who would be compatible with any one person. It’s kind of tricky to know how to pick the right one. My momma told me to find someone who shares the same interests and has a similar sense of humor.
People who marry later in life are more likely to stay married longer. Maybe they know better than to just choose whomever is the hottest without worrying about personality.
I’ve found my “one” (at least, I think I have), in a very unexpected corner (I’d known him all my life), and without realizing it for the first couple of months of our relationship. We had started off as a couple because it had clicked and there was no reason to end it, us both being single and having a nice enough time together. A few months later, we were having a late breakfast on a sunday morning, we suddenly realized that we’re the perfect couple and actually could imagine spending the rest of our lives together. Ever since, that feeling has deepened.
Up till then, I didn’t really expect to find “the one” let alone that it would be that easy.
IMHO, the key is the mutual understanding. I spend a lot of time musing on things that are not really worth worrying about while he is quite down to earth and just does things. But he’ll accept my way of thinking, he’ll listen to me, and he’ll try to help me. It’s the same the other way round: I might not always act the way he acts. But I’ll go with him if he wants me to, I’ll listen and I’ll tell him what I think. Without that, I don’t think relationships can work. I keep discussing that with a friend who I watched falling in love with, marrying and divorcing a guy who completely lacked the ability for mutual understanding, to feel with her and to respond to her while she was giving him everything (and she still hasn’t given up on him, even though they’ve been divorced for five years now).
Of course, there are a thousand more things that tie us together. But I do believe that there is a “one” (or maybe two or three) for everybody. I can’t really see why anybody would want to stay together if one of them feels the other one is not “the one”.
But I think it takes time and efforts from both sides to find “the one” and keep him/her as that.