Recently I have wondered about one thing (er, recently I have too much time to wonder about too many things!! ) : Is there āthe oneā for each of us in this world? Even if there is, will āthe twoā definitely meet each other and even develop a live-happily-ever-after relationship? Do you think your wives/long-time partners are āthe oneā for you (you can always tell us stories about āyour friendsā if your partners read posts on Forumosa. )? Or actually you donāt believe such a thing as āthe oneā?
I have seen some examples that people got or will get married simply because they think they are too old or too tired to find āthe oneā. As Iām getting older and older at age, Iām afraid that someday this will happen to me too. Is this sad, or is it just common facts? I never thought biological clock would be a problem when it comes to marriage or not, but I might be too naive?!! Or the whole thing is just a matter of timing? Timing isnāt right so you lose your perfect one, and timing is right so youāre with your current not-the-one? So donāt worry and just let what will happen happens when the timing comes? How do you guys/gals think about this, or what stories can you share?
P.S. I donāt know if thereās already a thread talking about this, but I guess it should not matter, as newer posters may want to contribute their thoughts, and older posters may have changed their previous thoughts a bit.
Personally, I think that this āthe oneā nonsense is a real problem of our times. I see too many people running around being unhappy because they canāt find their āthe oneā ā with the problem being, theyāve decided that their āoneā is Tyra Banks, or Nicole Kidman, or Mel Gibson, or Bill Clinton (seems like half of the American left wants to be one of his āonesā), or Bill Gates, or. . . .
So instead of being happy with someone decent, they insist on being single and miserable until they can snag a movie star, corporate executive, or supermodel.
My most recent girlfriend was a perfect example of it. Shortly before we broke up (pretty mutual), she explained that I was the first non-āexecutive typeā (her words) sheād ever dated. Well, ok. But we were pretty good together while it lasted, and it could have lasted a lot longer if she hadnāt been fixated on wanting a rich guy to show off at cocktail parties instead of a decent ordinary guy whom her friends kept telling her she should try to go out with. (They didnāt even know we were actually dating, because she was too embarrassed that I wasnāt an executive to mention it. So they figured we were just good friends with lots of common interests who kept hanging out together and who would make a great couple. . . .)
Or as long as you wanted to be with that āoneā before you find yourself another āoneā.
My parents have been married 53 years and I dont think my mother ever thought my dad was āthe oneā.
He was just āthe oneā whoād put up with her shit all that time.
I met this wonderful guy shortly after my 30th birthday. Within about 3 days of knowing him, I knew I would marry him. We spent 2 wonderful/tormenting/confusing/beautiful years together, and then he said ābye bye, canāt take this. too much love. iām not ready.ā Within a couple of months, I picked up the broken pieces of my heart and made the decision that a friendship with āthe oneā was better then nothing at all. That was when we really began to click on all levels. Over the next two years we both dated some great people, went through some big changes, grew a lot, and became the best of friends. When I came over here 17 months ago the goodbye was tough; but I felt satisfied that regardless of where we went in life weād never really lose each other. I went home for the first time in a year this past Feb. He was waiting for me, with a ring in hand and a proposal on his lips. I was floored, dumbfounded, scared shitless. And delighted! Iāll be heading back for good in August, and a year from now weāll make it official.
Iām not sure if there is āthe oneā for everyone, but there certainly was for me.
I donāt think there is a āone.ā Maybe there are āoneā thousand or āoneā million.
A big mistake many people make is that they get involved in a relationship with someone who they think is the āone.ā Then when the relationship fails they spend the rest of their life miserable and think anyone else is only second best. (Itās also a bit of twisted logic. If that person really was the one why did the relationship fail?).
It is a big wide world out there and there are many opportunities. At there very least there are thousands of people out there who could be potential life partners and with whom you could happily spend the rest of your life with.
Thereās more than one one for you out there - somewhere, but youāre lucky if you even meet one of them. I met one of my ones 14 years ago and I missed the boat. So my advice is, if you meet one of your ones, donāt let the chance slip, because you might not meet another.
I think the romantic notion of āThe Oneā is overdone and makes people feel miserable, because they find that their lives arenāt unfolding like a Meg Ryan movie. I recently married the girl who will be my āoneā, i.e. our relationship is a work in progress - emphasis on the word work. Things are pretty rosy right now - but we donāt have any money problems, a sick child, a moral test. When these sorts of things come (and they will) our mettle will be tested. True love isnāt going to come easy. Surely there will be disappointments along the way. I believe that faith in something greater than oneself and oneās partner will help sustain a good relationship - in the same way that recovering alcoholics need to recognize a āhigher powerā to overcome their own weaknesses.
I do my best to not just fulfill the basic requirements of being a good spouse, but also to put her needs and best interests above my own. As she regularly does the same, weāll be fine.
Donāt ever compromise on your feelings. If you donāt feel completley confident about your capacity to love your spouse wholeheartedly, then you would be doing him a grave disservice by marrying him. Too many people (in Taiwan especially it seems) marry for the wrong reasons: Ta dui wo hen haoā¦ (Heās very good to me) Ta jia hen you qianā¦ (His family has a lot of money) Shijian chabuduoleā¦ (Itās timeā¦) Women liange hen shiheā¦ (Weāre very suitable for each other) Ta zhui wo hen jiuā¦ (He chased me for a long time) Women renshi hao ji nianā¦ (Weāve known each other for a long time)
The one I always listen for is āIām crazy about him/herā, or āIām so in love with him/herā. Even āheās/sheās my best friendā is will do in a pinchā¦ Follow that up with the determination to love someone twice as hard when the going gets tough, and the recipe for success is set.
Now, how do you meet āThe Oneā? Probably not at TU or any other disco, although it is possible. The thing is, everyone wants an interesting spouse, but isnāt willing to do the interesting things necessary to meet an interesting spouse. Take up a weekend activity, rock-climbing, scuba diving, join a church, do volunteer work, go to company outings, join activity groups, talk to strangers in coffee shops, go to concerts, travel extensively, learn another language, join a gym. Additionally, you might want to do a quick self-appraisal or get a friend to be brutally honest about your appearance. Do your teeth need the attentions of a dentist? Do you have a hairy mole on your chin? Do you need a wardrobe update? Could you stand to lose a few pounds (Who couldnāt?). In the end, even if you donāt find āThe Oneā, youāll have such a fulfilling life, and be such an interesting person, that you will never be bored or lonely. Hell, Iāll introduce you to all my single friendsā¦
Good post, Maoman. But, Iām going to pick nits anyway. In my notion of marriage, the partners become a single entity, and not only during sex. Thus, while we all need some time to ourselves and we all have some pleasures or interests that are not shared by our partner, I think it best to put OUR needs rather than HER or MY needs first.
But again, I think youāre on the right track, and there is probably a middle ground somewhere between what you have said and what I have said.
That gets a āhit the nail on the headā rating. I discovered this for myself (or should I say we discovered this ourselves) when we lost our kid several years ago. Nothing like a little adversity to find out whether you are truly made for each other or not.
I agree completely. Itās a bit of an alien concept here though. My Taiwanese friends donāt think that way at all. Of course, I also donāt have many Taiwanese friends with happy marriages. Usually they just tolerate each other.
I totally agree with you guys. Yet, I still hop around like a kid, wanting to get my own way. Our marriage has only lasted because my wife is the most tolerant and forgiving person I have met.
[quote=āAlleycatā]I totally agree with you guys. Yet, I still hop around like a kid, wanting to get my own way. Our marriage has only lasted because my wife is the most tolerant and forgiving person I have met.
I should and wish to be more like her.[/quote]
This reminds me of the transactional analysis view of relationships.
There are basically 3 kinds of relationship between adults:
Adult / Adult. Two people treating each other as equals
Adult /Child . One person acts like an adult the other like a child. Some
realtionships seem to work OK with this provided that both
parties are happy with thier roles āMy Husband/ wife
wouldnt let me do thatā is a typical comment from this type
of relationship. Big problems aise if the āchildā gets say a
better job than the āadultā.
Child/Child Can be fun at first but often doomed to failure.
One of the best definitions I heard for a good relationship was that the relationship is a bird & the 2 partners are the wings. For the bird to fly high both partners should be equal & strong.
I think there are many people who would be compatible with any one person. Itās kind of tricky to know how to pick the right one. My momma told me to find someone who shares the same interests and has a similar sense of humor.
People who marry later in life are more likely to stay married longer. Maybe they know better than to just choose whomever is the hottest without worrying about personality.
I met the last one in a pub, and the one before that, and the one before that. And the one I was married too onceā¦
Maybe I need to go to church or somewhere to find the ārealā one.
And with that āpeople who marry later in life stay married longerā bollocks, itās because theyāre getting too old to look for āoneā any longer and have to take the ālast oneā to come their way.
Iāve found my āoneā (at least, I think I have), in a very unexpected corner (Iād known him all my life), and without realizing it for the first couple of months of our relationship. We had started off as a couple because it had clicked and there was no reason to end it, us both being single and having a nice enough time together. A few months later, we were having a late breakfast on a sunday morning, we suddenly realized that weāre the perfect couple and actually could imagine spending the rest of our lives together. Ever since, that feeling has deepened.
Up till then, I didnāt really expect to find āthe oneā let alone that it would be that easy.
IMHO, the key is the mutual understanding. I spend a lot of time musing on things that are not really worth worrying about while he is quite down to earth and just does things. But heāll accept my way of thinking, heāll listen to me, and heāll try to help me. Itās the same the other way round: I might not always act the way he acts. But Iāll go with him if he wants me to, Iāll listen and Iāll tell him what I think. Without that, I donāt think relationships can work. I keep discussing that with a friend who I watched falling in love with, marrying and divorcing a guy who completely lacked the ability for mutual understanding, to feel with her and to respond to her while she was giving him everything (and she still hasnāt given up on him, even though theyāve been divorced for five years now).
Of course, there are a thousand more things that tie us together. But I do believe that there is a āoneā (or maybe two or three) for everybody. I canāt really see why anybody would want to stay together if one of them feels the other one is not āthe oneā.
But I think it takes time and efforts from both sides to find āthe oneā and keep him/her as that.