"it" hit the fan again

today has been hard. it was my day off, so i decided to get some air and take my 125 to do liu. they have a nice park there. i told my wife we could go to skylark’s in tai chung. she gets off at 5 but gets to the house at 5:30.
this is how the shit started:
i got back at 5:18. she got into the house at 5:30. i finished my shower by 5:50(strted at 5:30).
anyway, whole evening was canceled just because we would be home maybe an hour later and she has to do a thing for work tomorrow. sometimes we make plans but then decide not to go so i thought today would also be flexable.
she started calling me a liar and all. i told her i’m not like her brother and bending over backwards for her. then she threatened to punch me if i ever bring her brother into an argument. she started crying and screaming and it looked like she was going to start punching. i warned her that she needed to back down and calm down. then she went nuts and was on the verge of punching. she screamed at me til i was scared. i swear she is possesed.
the thing is i never know when she will suddenly put some inflexiable rule on me or start screaming at me about some new thing she would like me to do in the house(always do this when you throw out the garbage). she used to do that about a lot of stuff. she has an order to everything and if i don’t follow her way she will scream and start crying that i broke my promise to do it that way.
all i gotta say now. except that she exhibits two distinct personalities. they’re very different. she either all loves me or all hates me. it’s never a few degrees of emotion with her. it’s always from left to right.

be the tide brother


you have shown that you dont want to leave

so go


the flow

suck it up

:up: What he said.

:astonished: Ummm… run… I’m not kidding…

Has she always been like that?

First, it will probably make no difference, but I am in exactly the same position as you, and have the same thing happen to me 85% of the time.

I personally find it very distressing, but I repress it and walk away, can’t go very far though. The only thing I can suggest, based on experience- 6 years, is plan an exit strategy.

You only get one go at life.

Does this look familiar?

[quote]yeah she was lying on the couch and I went over in my usual wussy “can we talk” fashion and she started yelling then bam! it’s always totally out of my vision field. I don’t know how she does it.
she doesn’t believe I’ll ONS on her.she with holds for the slightest offense, sometimes for months. I said what if you kept denying me and I get weak and do something I shouldn’t. she said if you’re that kind of person I’ll just divorce you now". that means you don’t love me and I’m wasting my time anyway".
sand and others are right. why would i stay with her when I can pick up everywhere I go? I just had lunch with gummata # 2 today. do I want this life? no. I’d rather have it normally with her. gummata #1 said I’m divided. she hopes I can handle home and her well too. then there’s the hookers. miss 16 always gives me discounts. she’s really cute for 34.I like that place. they are all acceptable looking. no oldies.
I live a sick life. I went to the church today to pray. hope He heard me.[/quote]

I’m just curious, rantheman, do you think you’re nothing without her? Were you born to be abused by aonther human being?

I’ve met you, I don’t think that’s what you deserve. There’s no one I know personally who deserves this type of treatment. I am beginning to wonder if you get off on being abused, on fighting, if you enjoy the nasty things she says to you because she can?

The future is so bright and there are so many things waiting to be discovered. There is maybe someone out there who is thinking the same thing at this moment, that they are looking for the right person to share their dreams and laughs with. If you don’t give yourself a chance to leave this ho hum situation, who will? You’re your only best friend and you’re the only one with the power to change anything in your life. Harness the power, rantheman. It’s an amazingly wonderful feeling to know you do something good for yourself only. Be selfish, because this is your life, who will care more about it than you?

Remember all the good things you’ve done when you didn’t really want to do them. Didn’t it feel good?

Why do you put up with it? Why.

Wow. I’d leave. I’d have left years ago. But I can’t possibly know you, or her, or the positive things that brought and have kept you together.

Holy mindfuck, batman. Best of luck to you, really.


 914 is absolutely right. The way things are now, she's making herself stronger off your submission to her. But what do you get? What does she give you that is absolutely irreplacable? What does she do for you that absolutely no one else can? I believe that love, real love, is just that; it is a union with another that is a unique bond...it is an arch, not an incline. Both rise to meet in the middle; one does not go up while the other is down. 

 And no, I'm not in a relationship now. But I have realized what I would need in one. And if I do not meet that one, that lady who would make me more than I am now, and I her, then I have decided to be strong and be my own support. But to be strong will require the decision to be made of your own free will. Choose strength, not submission; service, not servitude; companionship, not slavery.

I am just curious she never exibited any actions like this b4 you were married?

If she did you sould have run away then, if not dude you are in a very ugly situation.

I say this with all compassion because if you are married to a person who screams and has temper tantrums now it ain’t gonna get better later …

How old is she? my god that kind of behaviour sp? is not acceptable from a 3 year old let alone an adult.

Her explosion at your brother remark may be telling i.e that she is used to pulling the bad mood whiney grumpy girl thing and getting her way. Her violent explosion at not having things go the way she expects is a bad sign

either way I feel for you bro.

Sounds a little like borderline personality disorder.

Defined as ‘Walking on egg shells’. You don’t know when or why your going to set the fireworks off.

You need to stand up to her and show her who is more scary, she will back down.

Its a hard thing to accept, but there are always at least two sides to an abusive relationship – the ennabled and the ennabler. One cannot exist without the other.

You’re looking at a difficult and scary thing to do but IMO its something you are going to have to do sooner or later. If you do it later, there’ll just have been a lot more pain for you to go through in the meantime.

Why put yourself through that?

I’m sorry, but this doesn’t sound like a good way to help make a relationship healthier. A contest of power is not going to fix this. The marriage is over. Time to step out and move on. But you know that already, don’t you Rantheman.

On the other hand, one has to wonder how much Ran is exaggerating all this, however unconsciously. We’ve seen before on a number of occasions that he has a tendency to go a little overboard in his perception of things.

Just curious you mentioned she works and that she had something to do for work tomorrow. Is the work she is doing very stressful? Although not correct way to handle the stress/workload maybe a lot of her outbursts are due to pent up anger or frustration from incidents happening at work…

I say this because I’m sad to say :blush: once in a while I bring work home with me and often find me and the missus arguing over nothing and wondering how we got there… admittedly we are both stubborn, so that does not help. :s

Maybe openly discussing stuff that is happening at work, will help her to realize she is bringing the emotions from work home with her… maybe she needs to open up and have a rant about how bad her day was, getting it off her chest will calm her down… then the rest of the night will be good from there…


I’m sorry, but this doesn’t sound like a good way to help make a relationship healthier. A contest of power is not going to fix this. The marriage is over. Time to step out and move on. But you know that already, don’t you Rantheman.[/quote]

I’d rant about society’s ridiculous concept of marriage and the tragedy of disposable mates, but I’m sure everyone here has seen it done better than what I am capable of.

I think a marriage is worth putting effort into saving. If counseling is an option, then perhaps it should be pursued instead of simply throwing one’s hands up and going, “This sucks! I want a divorce”. I agree with the point about enablers and enabled. Perhaps if the original poster and his wife were to work on this stressful, unconstructive behavior together, they could reach an amicable solution and maintain a relationship that both thought was good enough to get married over.

But what the hell do I know? I’m batting .000 in relationships so go Team Theory!

Nobody should feel compelled to stay in a violent relationship, just because they are married.

Are there marriage counsellors here in Taiwan? That would be my first suggestion, along with letting her know that (despite her tantrums) hitting you is absolutely unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances. You need to set some boundaries (no violence/abuse). Maybe then you can try working on communicating with each other, hopefully with the help of a good therapist.

Years ago I was in a relationship where my girlfriend held all the cards. It was hell, I was walking on eggshells in our last year together. I didn’t stand up to her, I didn’t call her bluff when she threatened to break up; I just gave in. I apologized for whatever unwritten rule I had transgressed (and half the time I had no idea what I had done), and “admitted” being “wrong”. Our relationship festered until it was long past time to break up, but I finally left her. Looking back, if I had had a backbone then, our relatioship may have been far healthier.

Now, fast forward to my present relationship. I vowed never to let myself get in the situation described above. My wife and I have our fights, as most couples do, but I stand my ground and things work out very well. Now half the time I end up apologizing and admitting I’m wrong, and half the time she does so. That’s just about right in my book.

Culturally, I believe things are a little different.

I remember my mom saying years ago that some spouses deserved to get beat. This is something which some of my other relatives backed up. I’m not sure if this is a widespread belief among the older crowd or just something limited to some members of my family.

His wife might not really see anything wrong with hitting him simply because she might not know better. It would be a shame to dump a perfectly good marriage over the ignorance of a partner which could be solved through even simple remedial efforts. This is where the original poster can decide if it’s worth it.

No one is being compelled to do anything. If this was a boyfriend-girlfriend thing, I’d be for dumping the person simply because there isn’t a time/energy investment there like (hopefully) is in a marriage. But since they are married, I think there should be some effort made to resolve the issue rather than simply ditch the marriage.

This is a special case for me. I think marriage is a “BIG” thing. I think every effort should be made to honor it before dissolving it. Simply talking to his wife about the problem before divorcing her as you seem to support is 1. Not making an appropriate amount of effort and 2. Forestalling more appropriate measures to the problem (like counseling or even a moderated discussion with a person both parties can respect.)