Jimipresley'll Fix It!

Dear Jimi,

I dropped a jelly bean in the urinal at the airport, there was a big line so with no time to fish out the delicious little devil, i politely stepped to the side and let the next person in line carry out their business…waiting patiently for the line to die down I could see my jellybean dissolving, shrinking with each pass of urine…in the end i was left with a pebble sized, colorless pellet of sugar…how do i fix this and who’s responsible?

[quote=“k.k.”]
He couldn’t even figure out which sport and team I was talking about.
Certainly not denying my being a fan of the Blue Jays. [/quote]
Dear Mr K.K.

I’m sorry, I was projecting far further into the future. I assumed that you knew that the Islanders are a bunch of crappy lard-asses and would never make the play-offs. Hence, my Oracle didn’t worry with that trifle, and instead gave me a prediction for the equally atrociously crappy Blue Jays. My apologies.

I’m sending an Ifrit to have a word with you concerning your negative attitude.

The Genie of Vengeance

[quote=“bobbyanalog”]Dear Jimi,

I dropped a jelly bean in the urinal at the airport, there was a big line so with no time to fish out the delicious little devil, i stepped to the side and let the next person in line carry out their business…waiting patiently for the line to die down I could see my jellybean dissolving, shrinking with each pass of urine…in the end I was left with a pebble sized, colorless pellet of sugar…how do i fix this and who’s responsible?[/quote]
Dear Mr analog

This is a tricky one, so let’s take things slowly. One step at a time.

The Genie advises that you NEVER eat jelly beans at airport urinals. Fish and chips is a far tastier option.

This was obviously not in Taiwan. Otherwise you could have lingered there for eternity.
Always take your time at the urinal. Perchance a previous diner has left a nice piece of fish there to supplement your meal.

Urine will do that to jelly beans. Something like a nice steak is far more durable. Try that in future.

You should be grateful. All of the artificial colorants and flavors were washed away, rendering your jelly bean tastier and more nutritious.

Nobody is responsible for your stroke of good luck. It was a group effort and you should thank all concerned rather than single out an individual for praise. It’s already fixed. You may now eat your jelly bean.

The Wee Genie

Dear Dr. McCoy

I thought you were married.

The Sofa Genie

There! You see! There was a perfectly plausible explanation for it. Presley’s powers of prediction and prescience are even more prodigious and pronounced than previously presumed. :neutral:

Politely! Politely questioned! :no-no:

The bar is set at exactly 115 cms. Not too high; not too low. :hand:

You’d BETTER not! We’ve got links! :raspberry:

Not so sure we can be friends again until you apologize. :noway:

Still questioning . . . after all that evidence! :doh:

You’re saying “sorry”, but, sorry, I don’t think this qualifies as an apology. You don’t seem sincere enough. :whistle:


NOW, BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!

Here’s the smiley you’re looking for, k.k. :pray:

Jimi Genie has put me in my place. I have nowhere left to go.

[quote=“jimipresley”]Dear Mr K.K.

I’m sorry, I was projecting far further into the future. I assumed that you knew that the Islanders are a bunch of crappy lard-asses and would never make the play-offs. Hence, my Oracle didn’t worry with that trifle, and instead gave me a prediction for the equally atrociously crappy Blue Jays. My apologies.[/quote]

I’m sorry genie. Could you grant me a sports championship at some point in the not too distant future? Any of the teams and sports I follow will do. Dare I mention the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and their 18 year Grey Cup drought?
I will repent.

Sincerely,
kk

Dear Jimmy,

Thanks for solving my problem. It’s permanently hard now, and the missus says she enjoys the kinks. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Cheers,
No longer Troubled.

If she enjoys the kinks, maybe also try her on the small faces.

Dear Jimmy,

The school where I live sometimes gives quite good approximations of Hitler’s Nuremberg rallies. A short man with black hair rants and raves through a loudspeaker at deafening volume, and the crowd reacts with cheers and cries. Sometimes he leads them into it, asking little series of leading questions to which the crowd roars back a pre-programmed response, each time louder than the last.

The problem is that their German appears to be a bit off. It’s almost as if they weren’t speaking German at all, though the accent is certainly harsh and gutteral enough. I’ve tried playing excerpts from real Nuremberg footage back at them at top volume, but they haven’t improved yet. Any ideas? I feel sorry for them. They always seem to have their Swastikas backwards too. I’ve tried telling them, but no avail.

Hanz

Dear Jimi,

I’ve got this problem; I don’t feel like I can talk about it in public.

Can you fix it?

Can you fix it so I can talk about my problem in public? :neutral:

Dear Jimi,

The Bulls lost yesterday for the first time in 11 months and change. Next week they play the Chiefs. I desperately want them to win. Can you fix it?

Cheers,
Bullebefok

Dear Jimi. Its still only six inches long and not a lot thicker than a ballpoint pen. You SURE didn’t fix it for me. :fume: :bluemad:

I thought he told you to dip it in concrete? Did that not work?

My apologies. I have been feverishly masturbating all week and have not had time to attend to my readers’ trifling yearnings. I shall attend to your sad tales of woe and magnanimously grant favors over the weekend.

The Ashlyn Gere Genie

[quote=“k.k.”]

I’m sorry genie. Could you grant me a sports championship at some point in the not too distant future? Any of the teams and sports I follow will do.

Sincerely,
kk[/quote]
Dear Mr K.K.

I have fixed it. Your favorite under-8 volleyball team will, without a doubt, make it to the podium of the paralympics within the next 50 years.

The Woods Genie

Are you going to fix that too ?

Are you going to fix that too ?[/quote]
The genie doesn’t fix things that aren’t broken.

Are you going to fix that too ?[/quote]
The genie doesn’t fix things that aren’t broken.[/quote]

Of course. Sorry, I meant, do you want to keep on doing that feverishly ?

[quote=“ice raven”]Dear Jimmy,

The school where I live sometimes gives quite good approximations of Hitler’s Nuremberg rallies. A short man with black hair rants and raves through a loudspeaker at deafening volume, and the crowd reacts with cheers and cries. Sometimes he leads them into it, asking little series of leading questions to which the crowd roars back a pre-programmed response, each time louder than the last.

The problem is that their German appears to be a bit off. It’s almost as if they weren’t speaking German at all, though the accent is certainly harsh and gutteral enough. I’ve tried playing excerpts from real Nuremberg footage back at them at top volume, but they haven’t improved yet. Any ideas? I feel sorry for them. They always seem to have their Swastikas backwards too. I’ve tried telling them, but no avail.

Hanz[/quote]
Dear Hanz

The Genie has of late also been perturbed by the lack of focus and moral fiber displayed by the local school fascists. I suggest that (whilst beating said perpetrators with a heavy cane) you force them to watch Leni Riefenstahl’s “Triumph of the Will” whilst repeatedly screaming “achtung”. Failing that, there are gulags in the USA specifically designed for re-education.

As far as the backwards swastikas are concerned, the Genie notes that it denotes some type of misguided vegetarianism. The Fuhrer himself, being a misguided vegetarian, would surely take affront. I suggest setting up mirrors all over the school to rectify this blatant slovenliness.

The Gene Genie

[quote=“bismarck”]Dear Jimi,

The Bulls lost yesterday for the first time in 11 months and change. Next week they play the Chiefs. I desperately want them to win. Can you fix it?

Cheers,
Bullebefok[/quote]
Dear Mr Bulle

I fixed it. The Bulls beat the Chiefs 33-19. I even threw in a bonus point to brighten your day.

The Naas Genie