Children, learn to fucking enunciate properly: it’s YOUR mamma, not JOE mamma.
Right, you’re all going to detention for two hours after school… and you can tell Joe Mamma about Dat.
Buncha fukn ingrate retards.
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Oooh, you said a bad word!
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I’m sorry: since when is ‘enunciate’ a bad word?
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
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I used to smoke weed and go to class…
I would sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
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The 
is for the humor value, of course. 
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Why couldn’t Spiderman defeat Thanos?
Because he is 失敗的 man.
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Two mates, Seamus and Paddy, are limping out of Dublin Zoo one night, scratched up and bleeding.
Paddy turns to his friend and says:
(In oyrish accent) “y’know, Seamus. I think that’s the last time I try loin dancin’”
I was waiting in the TSAFree line at the Austin Airport this summer. Guy ahead of me was telling me about a bar in San Francisco that he insisted I had to go to.
“You won’t believe this place. You go in and they hand you a free drink, your choice. Top shelf liquor if you want. Then you can go to a back room and get laid. After that you can come up and get another free drink, and then go back to the room and get laid again. This goes on as long as you like”
I was pretty skeptical, so I asked him, “Have you really been to this bar?”
“No, but my sister has.”
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Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
They’re shellfish
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A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the centre ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.
“What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?” Little Johnny asked.
“That’s his trunk, honey,” Mom replied.
“No, that other thing,” Johnny insisted.
“Oh, you must be looking at his tail,” Mom offered.
“No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly,” Johnny said. Realising her son was asking about the elephant’s penis, Mom got embarassed.
“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants.”
Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. “What’s that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?”
“That’s his trunk, son,” Dad said.
“No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly,” Johnny repeated.
“Oh, that,” Dad said. “That’s his penis, Johnny.”
“Huh,” mused the five year old. “Mommy said that was nothing.”
“Son,” sighed Dad, “I’ve spoiled that woman.”
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What did one cupcake brag to the other? “You ain’t seen muffin, yet!”
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Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too…and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
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I heard that one while learning Chinese!
1.3.15 笑话《爸爸和儿子》 de 听故事学中文 Learning Chinese through Stories
https://pt.player.fm/1svEUB
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