Joke of the Day 2020

What are your demands? :rofl:

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Yesterday 6 March was Michelangelo’s birthday. I would make a joke about the work he did at the Sistine Chapel, but it might go over your head.

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So two mates are out bushwacking. Whilst doign this, one of them, gazza, needs to drain the dragon so he goes off and does his business.
Whilst doing so a snake jumps out and bites him in the todger. He screams out in pain.
His mate bazza runs up to see what’s going on
“a snake bit me on the todger!”
“don’t worry, I’ll call the ambos”, bazza says, and calls the ambos.
“help! me mate’s been bitten on the todger by a snake”
“don’t worry” says the operater. “We’ll send a flying doctor to your location. In the maentime, all you need to do to keep him alive is to suck the venom out of the wound”.
“ok” says bazza,and he hangs up.
“what did he say?” asks Gazza
Bazza turns to him. “I’m sorry mate. He says you’re going to die.”

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Feeling lonely, Sheila one day decides to put an ad in the local classifieds. It reads:
“Kind hearted woman looking for a man. Three requirements: he mustn’t drink too much, he mustn’t run away from me, and he must be good in bed.”
A few days later she hears the door bell ring. She opens the front door to find a man there with no arms and no legs.
“Gday.” He says “the name’s Jake. I’m here about the ad in the paper. I’ve got no arms so I won’t be drinking too many frothies, and I’ve got no legs so I won’t be running away from you.”
“Well… What makes you think you’re good in bed, then?” Sheila asks.
The man smiles. “Well I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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It’s still funny, but not as funny as the first time you posted it. You’re starting to resemble Dr. Milker! :grandpa:

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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

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@tempogain, @yyy, and @Toe_Save are coming out from a Mods meeting on Anhe Rd, and a drunk in a blue truck jumps the curb and slams into them.
Tragically, all three are killed instantly.

They wake up to find themselves sitting side by side on a white marble bench in this all white room with a huge white curtain across one end.
Before anyone can say anything, a huge booming voice calls out from on high.
@yyy, rise”
@yyy stands up and the curtain parts.
Revealed is a filthy cellar room with rats and roaches scurrying back and forth.
On the floor is a stained army blanket on which reclines the Bathtub Lady from The Shining.

“Step forward” the voice commands.
@yyy does so.
@yyy, to atone for your sins, you must pleasure this woman…for all eternity!”
@yyy is pulled by invisible force to the blanket, and the curtain closes.
@tempogain looks at @Toe_Save and gulps audibly.
“Damn!”
The voice rings out again
@tempogain, rise”
@tempogain stands up and the curtain parts.
Revealed is an even filthier cellar room with spiders and centipedes crawling all over.
On the floor is a much older army blanket, teeming with maggots, in the middle of which sits the Kissing Granny from Bill and Ted.

“Step forward” the voice commands.
@tempogain does so.
@tempogain, to atone for your sins, you must pleasure this woman…for all eternity!”
@tempogain is pulled by invisible force to the blanket, and the curtain closes.

Alone on the bench, @Toe_Save is sweating profusely, dreading what’s to come.
The voice rings out again
@Toe_Save, rise”
@Toe_Save stands up and the curtain parts.
Revealed is an exquisitely decorated boudoir, with ornate decorations and velvet curtains. A fountain gurgles in one corner, and there, in the center of the room, sits a huge round bed.
Kneeling in the centre of the bed is a young Selma Hayek, as she appeared in From Dusk 'til Dawn.


“Step forward” the voice commands.
@Toe_Save does so, smirking at his good fortune.
The voice booms
"Selma Hayek, to atone for your sins…

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What did Selma Hayek do?

image

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What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

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A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…

…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn’t care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father’s house to ask for his blessing.

“Hello, sir, I’m here to ask for your daughter’s hand”

A bit sceptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks “And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… “Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

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Yeah okay, if I have to fill an actor’s shoes, I’ll take Jack over Keanu. :cactus:

(Plus, the Bathtub Lady comes in two models! :wink:)

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This COVID19, for something made in China it seems to be lasting too long!

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From Twitter:

Well, China did finish the NBA after all.

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It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “Is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000 ft with a razor blade and a ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to medical school now.

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The World Health Organization has confirmed that pets cannot transmit the novel coronavirus, and there is no need to keep them inside or in quarantine.

WHO let the dogs out!

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

“I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said.

“First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows!!” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”

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Looks like it’s time to pull out the big guns…

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