A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint, please.” The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”
4 Likes
The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.
7 Likes
Ah, no.
take a ticket and go to the back of the line, sir.
and I’m only using Sir because i’m being recorded.
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, “No we only sell beer here”. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?
The bartender says, “No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails”? The bartender says “no”.
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
8 Likes
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.
4 Likes
I had eczema, diarrhea and hemorrhoids over the weekend…
My best game of Scrabble ever.
2 Likes
Breaking news…
Joe Biden has increased his lead in Georgia by 357 suitcases.
My reclining chair is my favorite piece of furniture.
We go back a long way…
6 Likes
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
4 Likes
The year Johnny went into Grade Two, the teacher asked everybody to say what they had done over the summer.
Mary said “I went to a farm and saw horsies and piggies.”
The teacher said “Very good, but remember we’re in Grade two now- we say ‘horses’ and ‘pigs’.”
Billy was next, and he said “I went to my Grandma’s house on the choo-choo.”
And the teacher said, “Wonderful, but say ‘train’- we use grown-up talk now.”
Johnny was called on next, and said “Over the holidays I read a really great book called Winnie the Shit.”
5 Likes
Yeah, well, never too early for a kid to start learning about global politics, IMO.
1 Like
I just found a 20 dollar bill outside the supermarket. As it’s Christmas, I thought to myself, “what would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine…
3 Likes
Probably get a nice bottle for 20 USD. Not so much for 20 NTD
1 Like
A wind turbine tries to strike up a conversation with the wind turbine in the next field.
“So, what kind of music are you into, then?”
“Me? I’m a big metal fan.”
7 Likes
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was.
She replied fuck you!
So I’m pretty excited for the new year!
4 Likes
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
3 Likes
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
~Mel Brooks
1 Like
ambitions for 2 more! 