If I had to describe myself in three words, I’d say, “not good at math.”
What do you call a cat that drives a taxi?
A Tabby Cabby
Five years ago, I messaged a random woman on Tinder, asking her to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to be my wife.
She said “No” both times.
I came home drunk last night and didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs…
Human: We have a color named after you!
Salmon: Really? Is it silvery blue like my skin?
Human: No, uh…
Salmon: Wait, why is it pink?
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK?!?
I saw a German man jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning.
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said, “Here is ze dog. Dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine.”
“Are you a vet?” I asked.
He replied, “Vet?!? I’m fucking soaking!”
My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked right away…
Are you just going through your “bumper book of stupid jokes” a page at a time here?
I don’t get it
Must be a British thing…
I had a book when i was about 7 called the bumper book of fun, or something similar. Your daily jokes are very familiar
what’s the punchline?
And the rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
What do polar bears eat for fun?
I’m emotionally constipated.
I haven’t given a shit in days.
I want to tell you all about a girl who only ate plants…
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore…
Hey girl, your last name must be Pfizer, because you just made my heart stop.
Hey girl, your last name must be Pfizer, because you gave me the best boner I’ve had for years.
When I teach in person, students often laugh at my jokes. But when I teach the same students online they don’t laugh at all, so I asked them why.
They replied, “Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny.”
Want to keep laughing?