Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It’s just “too” tired
3 Likes
Someone tore the fifth page out of my calendar.
I’m so dismayed.
2 Likes
Boss: Somebody stole the office thesaurus.
Me: I perceive your concern, however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator.
1 Like
My neighbor knocked my door at 3am.
Can you believe it? 3am!
Luckily, I was awake, practicing my drums.
3 Likes
How can you tell when a tractor is worried?
By its furrowed plow
It’s not a quote unless you actually quote someone. 
That’s better.
(Still belongs in the Joke of the Day thread though…)
1 Like
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
— Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
— Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled,
— That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!
4 Likes
My son, Luke, loves that I named my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
3 Likes
What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?
Fresh Prints
2 Likes
5 Likes
I’ve never trusted lizards…
Right from the gecko.
5 Likes
My happiness has 11 letters
M-y h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s
What were you expecting? Something romantic? 
I was expecting “avocado toast.” 
No, wait…that’s 12 letters.
1 Like
I was expecting you to spell it like someone with a strong french accent might say it, for some reason
a p e n i s
1 Like
that’s only got 6 letters