That’s better. 
(Still belongs in the Joke of the Day thread though…)
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
— Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
— Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
A passenger in Coach yelled,
— That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!
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My son, Luke, loves that I named my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
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What did Chris Rock find on his face this morning?
Fresh Prints
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I’ve never trusted lizards…
Right from the gecko.
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My happiness has 11 letters
M-y h-a-p-p-i-n-e-s-s
What were you expecting? Something romantic? 
I was expecting “avocado toast.” 
No, wait…that’s 12 letters.
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I was expecting you to spell it like someone with a strong french accent might say it, for some reason
a p e n i s
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that’s only got 6 letters
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word.
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You can change the font size.
What did the pirate say when he got kicked in the crotch?
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What do dildos and tofu have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
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I once read that in the old days lesbian women used dildos made of bags stuffed with tofu.
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