Joke Thread

to start it off:

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.
“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

“No,” said the little boy…
“It’s a puppy!”

A motorist was driving down a country road and ran over a cockerel. Carefully carrying the dead bird in two hands, he knocked on the door of the nearby famrhouse. When the door opened he said to the farmer
“Pardon me my good man, but I have accidentally killed your cockerel and shall like to replace him”
The farmer smiled.
“Right-o mate, do as you like, the hens are out back.”

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

Nothing. It’s a chimney.

Your kid has been kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

The blonde test taker

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

“I finished the exam in a half hour,” she replies. “Now I’m rechecking my answers.”

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

A guy went to a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” he said, “I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, and then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replied, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

geez…took me forever to get that…

Blonde? :stuck_out_tongue:

don’t eat food cooked by a clown…it tastes funny.

joke thread: used for making clown costumes?

I need some name jokes for my junior high class. Here are the ones I already have:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
(Bob)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
(Matt)
What do you call a guy hanging on the wall?
(Art)
What do you call a guy with no feet?
(Neal)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a bush?
(Russell)
What do you call a girl with one leg?
(Ilene)

If you have any more of these, I would really appreciate some help! I can only use “clean” ones!

…a guy with a spade in his head?
Doug

…a guy with no spade in his head?
Douglas

…a guy with no arms and legs, in your letterbox?
Bill

…Chinese girl with one leg?
Irene

…a guy with a car on his head?
jack

…a guy as big as an english county?
Kent (ok, that one’s a bit lame)

…a dog with no legs?
doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

… a deer with no eyes?
no idea

a dead deer with no eyes?
still no idea

a dead deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
still no fucking idea.

A woman stood on the Horizon?

Dot

Two Newfoundlanders are walking through the woods. They come upon a help wanted sign saying “Tree Fellers Wanted”. One says to the other, “Too bad Pa isn’t here, we could of gots the job”.

How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?


With a pumpkin patch!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married – for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

‘He’s a funeral director,’ she answered.

‘Interesting,’ the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

:stuck_out_tongue:

I heard this one from the Stand Up Economist.

Nixon dies and goes to hell. The devil says to open the door. Nixon opens the door and there is Joseph Stalin. The devil says, “Richard Nixon, for your crimes against humanity you will be forced to spend eternity with Joseph Stalin.”

Reagan dies and goes to hell. The devil says to open the door. Reagan opens the door and there is Adolph Hitler. The devil says, “Ronald Reagan, for your crimes against humanity you will be forced to spend eternity with Adolph Hitler.”

Carter dies and goes to hell. The devil says to open the door. Carter opens the door and there is Paris Hilton. The devil says, “Paris Hilton, for your crimes against humanity …”

I heard Stray Dog took in a new pet over the weekend – this mangy, flea-infested cat with no tail. :bravo:

Anyway, Stray Dog did what he always does: takes it home, gives it a bath and a bowl of warm milk, sings a few love songs for it, brings it to the vet for a check-up. Then he brought it down to Walmart.

Walmart?

Yea, he heard it’s the world’s biggest retailer.

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[quote=“redwagon”]A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a compartment, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.[/quote]

:smiley: :bravo:

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods?

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
‘If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.’