Just when you thought shopping was boring

Just found this over on Daves ESL Cafe. I am tempted to try a few of these next time the wife drags my ass to the mall.


Subject: Retired husbands with too much time on their hands

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Smith
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department


Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Documented Incidents Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

  1. July 1: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. Security thought it was blood and called an ambulance.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code
    3’ in housewares… and watched what happened.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay

  6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department. Strangely enough, 15 people moved in with him.

  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
    and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
    clerk if he knew where the antidepressants are.

  11. December 3! : Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
    “Dragnet” theme.

  12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using
    different size funnels.

  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
    yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”

  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”

(And; last, but not least!)

  1. December 23: Went into a fitting room, locked the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” He refused to unlock the door when Security arrived.

Any of those things would be more creative than what I did in Costco last Sunday… I had the shopping cart and was playing Taiwanese driver in the store. :loco: I’m a rude bastard and am feeling very contrite about it now.

:bravo: I like Mr. Fenton. :laughing:
Thanks for the post!

about the worst thing some friends and I did in a supermarket was 6 of us having trolley races (one sitting, one pushing) down the really long wide aisle at the back of the supermarket, while at the same time another pair of friends were ‘stalking’ each other around the place with water pistols. The stalking led to the immortal line ‘Freeze! I’ve got you covered with a can of spam!’ as one pistol ran out of water. Three other friends were meanwhile doing the shopping for our camping trip,which meant that when the manager came out and asked us to leave, they had the pleasure of waving $500 cash at him while at the check-out and saying, “We have $500 dollars of goods here which have already been rung up, but not yet paid for, would you like us to leave immediately?” The manager looked apoplectic. Not to mention also that he didn’t know that others of us were standing behind saluting, and he couldn’t quite work out why the staff members were stiffling smiles…
We got our shopping but were firmly told not to return. Ever.

On another occassion a different group of friends dressed up in furs, skins and body paint and went ‘hunter gathering’ at a supermarket, while another time they got made up as green aliens and pretended to be doing an anthropological survey there.

Ensign, I truly love it, and bully to mr. Fenton as well. I just can’t stand the way that shopping has become a form of recreation for the masses, and how the retailers have to responded to this by making it like a game complete with coupons, two for one deals, and the like.
For example, if three bags of bagels at Costco Kaohsiung are chabuduo NT$185, to my mind that means that each bag is about NT$60 each. But, according to the game palying mentality of these kinds of places, I’m not allowed to buy just one, nor am I allowed to buy four. :fume: My choices are either three (not enough) or six (two bags too many) Bollocks! :raspberry: I say to all you retail store anarchists, keep up the good fight! :bravo: