Just found this over on Daves ESL Cafe. I am tempted to try a few of these next time the wife drags my ass to the mall.
Subject: Retired husbands with too much time on their hands
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Smith
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Documented Incidents Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
July 1: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. Security thought it was blood and called an ambulance.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code
3’ in housewares… and watched what happened.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay
September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department. Strangely enough, 15 people moved in with him.
September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knew where the antidepressants are.
December 3! : Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using
different size funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!”
(And; last, but not least!)
- December 23: Went into a fitting room, locked the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” He refused to unlock the door when Security arrived.