Don’t know if anyone has seen this hysterical piece of satire floating around the web? It’s titled “Ketagalan Night Market – Today’s Buffet Menu.” It’s written as a foodie’s guide to the free offerings at the pan-Blue camp-out in front of the Presidential Office. I (loosely) translated a few lines that had me howling in laughter:
[quote]
The lunch boxes usually have pork chops or chicken; if you want something fancier like roast duck try calling your local KMT legislator – after all they were elected to serve their constituency.
The dumplings are mostly cheap frozen stuff from the supermarkets; what a shame since there are all these nice old gents from the mainland (外省老伯伯) just sitting around – we all know they make the best fresh dumplings and noodles.
Fresh noodles would be much better than the cheap instant noodles they have there – speaking of which, they really need to set up hot water dispensers for the noodles. Otherwise you got to run to the KMT HQ to get hot water, and by the time you get back to Ketagalan Square the noodles are all soggy.
I’ve eaten there several times and I have yet to see any fruit. Tsk tsk, how are we supposed to maintain a balanced diet without fruit? Guavas would be a good choice. They cause constipation, which is a good thing cause there aren’t enough porta-johns around.
They should also give out free vitamins and minerals, especially calcium supplements. I’d hate to see any of the old timers there snap their bones because of osteoperosis.
lol… yeah, I recall seeing this on some pan-green messageboards. There was also one advising pan-green supporters on how to get a free meal out of this:
A Pan-Green Supporter’s Guide to the Ketagelan Night Market
We have recieved word from many enthusiastic posters who are interested in joining our “Eat Up the Black Gold” Activity, but are worried about being attacked by rioters. In response to this, we present to you Five Easy Steps to partaking in the generosity of the Black Gold Party:
Remove all green articles of clothing. Better yet, make sure you wear blue from head to toe, and remember to bring a non-green colored bag. These rioters are like bulls: bulls attack anything red, these rioters beat the crap out of anyone wearing green. Remove everything on you even remotely related to A-Bian or the DPP. Otherwise I’d hate to imagine what would happen to you if the rioters uncover your true identity. Empty out your bag so you can carry as much food as possible. Finally, rememeber to never speak a single word in Taiwanese while you’re there. Last time I accidentally let a few words in Taiwanese escape my mouth there, a rioter glared at me rather harshly.
You must next disguise yourself as a Black Gold Party rioter. Therefore campaign flags or the ROC flag are absolute essentials. Unfortunetely due to heightened demand in recent days they will not give you free ones. However you can easily find these flags stuck on nearby parked cars (since cars without the flags are generally trashed and burned by the rioters, some teacher driving by even got beaten half to death when he didn’t flash the number two hand sign). Remove the flags from the cars, but remember to return them before you leave so the car doesn’t get trashed.
After obtaining the flags, proceed to KMT Party HQ to pickup drinks and stickers. The stickers will be your second line of defense against the rioters. Remember to cover your body with them: two in front, and two in back; fail to do so and I cannot guerantee your safety.
Take whatever you need or want, don’t feel guilty since everything there comes from the money stolen by the Black Gold Party from the people of Taiwan. The KMT is huge with over fifty billion NT in assets, they aren’t worried about you eating their food- they’d only worry if you didn’t.
All the beverages are at the Party HQ, they have Supau (my favorite), jasmine tea, black tea, green tea, coffee… They tell you to take only two at a time but won’t stop you if you take four. And they have plenty of stalls: after stopping at one stall you can always stop at the one nextdoor. Remember to hide your beverages in your bag between stalls or they won’t give you new ones.
Same rule applies for snacks, however they are mostly located in the “night market”. They have mantou, zhongzhe, rice cakes, cookies and crackers, throat lozenges, buns… etc… Again, just remember to hide everything in your sack before getting more.
Beindangs (box lunches) are slightly different, they are distributed by someone with a pushcart. There are plenty of places to obtain them, but there isn’t much point to it since you really can’t eat that many of them. And remember! Never reject anything the rioters or the party hacks offer you or you may blow your cover!
Don’t worry about extracting yourself. If a rioter attempts to hold you back just tell them that you’re tired from standing there for 12 hours (actually, you’re probably tired from all that food you ate) and your shift is up. They will let you leave. Otherwise, there are plenty of police around, just start yelling that you’re being attacked by rioters and run for it.
If you can folow these five rules, I’m sure you can have a great time eating and having fun at the Ketagelan Night Market… and return safely home with a sack full of snacks and goodies.
