Kid in the Bed

In western culture(s) we as parents try to develop independence in our children from the day they are born. Yes of course we care for their every need but a very western value is to have children develop the skills necessary to survive at each stage of growth.

My question is for Taiwanese wives.

Our child has been sleeping with my wife for the last 5 years! Much to my detriment from the very beginning. I knew that it would not be a good idea to put our child before our relationship but it was explained that this is an aspect of Chinese culture. Well to put it simply, it has done irrevocable damage to our relationship.

Question:

Is this really a part of Chinese culture? Or I have I been duped again in the culture war?

How have any of you dealt with this situation?

The fact of the matter is. I’ve grown very comfortable in being a “bread winner” and sleeping alone while banging every other piece of tail that comes my way. Sad but true. This culture thing has killed an otherwise loving relationship. I’d like to see us get back to a real relationship but how do you deal with an uncompromising spouse?

I’ve got other Taiwanese women telling me they could do a better job but i just don’t buy it.

anybody feel me on this one?

Hmmmpf.

I am Asian, but I know a lot of western famlies who have their kids sleeping with them or in their room for a few months or a good many years depending on the child, availability of space and of course parents’ temperaments.

[quote]Our child has been sleeping with my wife for the last 5 years! Much to my detriment from the very beginning. I knew that it would not be a good idea to put our child before our relationship but it was explained that this is an aspect of Chinese culture. Well to put it simply, it has done irrevocable damage to our relationship.
[/quote]
I have had kids sleep with me for a good 4 years of our life, but it never affected intimacy in the sense, yeah it is a pain that you have to sneak out of bed after the kid is asleep, but you you know do it in the morning or in other areas of the house or whatever, but it is a passing phase. Your relationship with your spouse and your child’s welfare are a part of the whole. You can’t have one without the other. And you can’t blame one for the lack of the other.

[quote]Is this really a part of Chinese culture? Or I have I been duped again in the culture war?
[/quote]

Can’t comment on whether it is culture, but having your kid in your bed is a parents’ choice and no one can say it is wrong.

What’s culture got to do with love?

[quote]'d like to see us get back to a real relationship but how do you deal with an uncompromising spouse?
[/quote]

Counsellor???

[quote]I’ve got other Taiwanese women telling me they could do a better job but i just don’t buy it.
[/quote]

Great!!! Better to work out the relationship you have, instead of getting into a new one.

Yes, this is cultural. I’m not sure how or why some cultures believe that this is beneficial for the child, but it is cultural nonetheless.

Well it may have some cultural aspects but Im pretty sure its a growing trend in the West. Works for us too. Every family can work out their own arrangements that suit them.
The problems you face are not solely caused by a kid in the bed. You must take some responsibility too as per your behavior which is dishonest.

Because it is. :unamused: Do you see a lioness with her cub? a baby elephant with the herd? little birdy chicks with their mum?

And you know what?? It is easier. Every kid wants their mom/parent and dealing with a wailing , flailing baby, gets on your nerves, might as well sleep with the brat and get some shut eye. :smiley:

Because it is. :unamused: Do you see a lioness with her cub? a baby elephant with the herd? little birdy chicks with their mum?

And you know what?? It is easier. Every kid wants their mom/parent and dealing with a wailing , flailing baby, gets on your nerves, might as well sleep with the brat and get some shut eye. :smiley:[/quote]

A wailing.flailing child (obviously not newborn) will continue to expect to sleep with Parents,if the Parents allow it. At some point you have to understand that a Child can not have it’s own way,all the time in life. Sympathy,in times of illness may be an exception but you are not helping the Child IMO . It is ridiculous to sleep with your children after 6 or 7 years of age,unless they are giving you comfort,in some way? I have seen the effects of this on my first boy,totally different for the second boy.
Have to be harsh for a short time to benefit both Parent and Child in the long term.
Absolutely not cultural…just commom sense in any country.

[quote=“headhonchoII”]Well it may have some cultural aspects but Im pretty sure its a growing trend in the West. Works for us too. Every family can work out their own arrangements that suit them.
The problems you face are not solely caused by a kid in the bed. You must take some responsibility too as per your behavior which is dishonest.[/quote]

I agree with the point that the OP should have addressed this issue long before and sleeping around was never going to keep the relationship good.
However ,as i have posted, I strongly disagree in sleeping with Children for years.I am sure there are studies which prove both sides are right ; I can only give you my opinion based on my own experiences. Freud would probably have some stupidly complex theory,however he should have been in an Asylum himself,having read a few.

Sleeping in the bed(with a crying son or daughter) is ,I admit, an easy trap to fall into to make life easier for Parents. Then it may a tantrum for many other things Children want. I just drew the line. I am a big softy really and love my kids to bits BTW.

Because it is. :unamused: [/quote]

That’s highly subjective.

And I can see how it could affect the physical side of a relationship. I don’t have kids myself, but I can imagine how hindered a sexual relationship could become with a child in the bed every night. I mean, what do couples do, sneak off for quickies all of the time? :wink:

My sisters and I all had our own bedrooms growing up and never slept with our parents. We all turned out just fine and have a close, loving relationship with our parents and with each other. We were fully able to establish this closeness in our waking hours. :slight_smile:

[quote=“Indiana”][

And I can see how it could affect the physical side of a relationship. I don’t have kids myself, but I can imagine how hindered a sexual relationship could become with a child in the bed every night. I mean, what do couples do, sneak off for quickies all of the time? :wink:

My sisters and I all had our own bedrooms growing up and never slept with our parents. We all turned out just fine and have a close, loving relationship with our parents and with each other. We were fully able to establish this closeness in our waking hours. :slight_smile:[/quote]
Whatever. I can’t argue with people who do not have kids.

I don’t get how fixated you guys are on bedrooms??? Do you know you can have great sex in the living room?? And no one’s done it in the kitchen standing up?? What’s with the bed and bedroom fixation??? And do you only have sex at night?? Not in the shower? Oh and on weekend afternoons? Long lazy ones when the child is napping??

[/quote]

Yeah, divea’s poor husband. A bunch of strangers know way too much about his sex life :laughing: :laughing: .

[quote=“divea”]

I don’t get how fixated you guys are on bedrooms??? Do you know you can have great sex in the living room?? And no one’s done it in the kitchen standing up?? What’s with the bed and bedroom fixation??? And do you only have sex at night?? Not in the shower? Oh and on weekend afternoons? Long lazy ones when the child is napping??[/quote]

Divea, :laughing: !!!

Most parents I know say that sex around the house ended when they had kids and that the bedroom was the only private sanctuary they had.

I’m not trying to be obnoxious here…seriously, I’m not…but what happens once the kids don’t have naptime anymore? Do parents still do it all over the house with the kids there? What do they do, sneak out of the bedroom when the kids are asleep in their bed? I’m only asking because I find this intriguing! :wink:

Face it, Divea is a shagaholic and so her answers can’t be representative.

Much as I’d love to continue to discuss Divea’s sex life I’ll return to the OP.

Our first child was put in his own room after 6 months, but now we have a second she won’t move until she’s a year and can sleep through the night without disturbing the eldest. But neither of them sleep in our bed over night, they had/have their own cots.

I was quite firm about this but luckily my missus was in total agreement.

As I said already the idea thar kids must sleep in their own beds is a cultural meme, it does not mean it’s better or worse. At some stage the kids should have their own bed/room but for breastfeeding mothers in particular its perfectly natural to have a kid in the bed. My solution was to make a bigger ‘bed’, tatami’d the bedroom, threw out the king size bed…it’s kind of cool too as loads of space to sleep now! The idea of having to sleep in a bed is also a cultural one.

[quote=“Indiana”][quote=“divea”]

I don’t get how fixated you guys are on bedrooms??? Do you know you can have great sex in the living room?? And no one’s done it in the kitchen standing up?? What’s with the bed and bedroom fixation??? And do you only have sex at night?? Not in the shower? Oh and on weekend afternoons? Long lazy ones when the child is napping??[/quote]

Divea, :laughing: !!!

Most parents I know say that sex around the house ended when they had kids and that the bedroom was the only private sanctuary they had.

I’m not trying to be obnoxious here…seriously, I’m not…but what happens once the kids don’t have naptime anymore? [/quote]
They go to school or you teach them to sleep in their own beds. My girl was 4 when she migrated to her room and now both children sleep in their room. We had 5 years of making the kids sleepin a crib , then in our beds then on mattresses in our room. My point was that kids don’t kill your sex life, you do it yourself.

[quote=“Tomas”]

Yeah, divea’s poor husband. A bunch of strangers know way too much about his sex life :laughing: :laughing: .[/quote]

Oh c’mon. You guys are no strangers :laughing: , besides I never said EYE resorted to any of those measures. Nopes, I was giving you people ideas. :raspberry: Luckily I had 3 bedrooms so you know we could use the 2 spare bedrooms…but if I didn’t, we’d think of something.

Scientist?? You suffer from trollis-mitis.

even my trolls have mites!

:laughing:

Sometimes you do it yourself, but also sometimes it’s the wife who kills the sex life. And I’ll say no more!

My Taiwanese brother-in-law shared his bed with son and wife until the kid was 8. He (the kid :smiley: ) has just graduated to his own bed, but in the same room :unamused:. The house has a huge unused bedroom just across the landing, that would make a perfect kids room. It stands unused, full of clutter. Meanwhile their room is just wall-to-wall with all their bits and pieces, it’'s a real nightmare.

I love having my daughter creep into our bed at 5 in the morning, and will deeply miss that when it comes to an end.
But she goes to bed in her own room (although I’ve yet to stop my wife lying down with her to ‘help’ her get to sleep).

Just a guess but i think sleeping with OTHER women may have something to do with your spouse being upset with you. I am sure she knows. No matter how much you think you hid it.

If she were financially independent she would be seeking a divorce is my guess.

[quote=“Nuit”]My Taiwanese brother-in-law shared his bed with son and wife until the kid was 8. He (the kid :smiley: ) has just graduated to his own bed, but in the same room :unamused:. The house has a huge unused bedroom just across the landing, that would make a perfect kids room. It stands unused, full of clutter. Meanwhile their room is just wall-to-wall with all their bits and pieces, it’'s a real nightmare.

I love having my daughter creep into our bed at 5 in the morning, and will deeply miss that when it comes to an end.
But she goes to bed in her own room (although I’ve yet to stop my wife lying down with her to ‘help’ her get to sleep).[/quote]

yeah my bud has his wife sleeping with their son most nites in the master bedroom while he sleeps in the kiddie room.