reflecting somewhat on my own fucked upness this morning (and sort of missing mom- that’s a southern boy for you):
my dad worked for the lake charles musc company as a piano salesman/tuner. that was when the first “fun machines” (organs with auto-accompianment) came out. dad demoed these machines at the parish fairs and i went with him. i wanted to do that when i got big.somtimes my mom took his place.i remember walking into the store and seeing pianos all around me.
dad was raised assembly of God and mom was raised baptist. the two are totally different musically. grandma always thought my dad was a bad influence on my mom because those pentacostals are “too sexual” and jump and jive.
mom had a good ear. she took piano lessons as a child and the teacher refused to play the songs for her first because she’d learn it by ear and pretend to read the notes. her dad was a coonass fiddle player who could play behind his back i’m told. mom loved elvis and to my memory, grandma told me she went all the way up to sherveport to see him on the louisiana hayride, but he had to cancel. mom always played Elvis in the house. it was either elvis or floyd cramer.
i first saw the osmonds when i was six. it was from that time that i knew i wanted to be a musician. i started begging grandma to go down to the record store and have them order LPs for me and started playing drums with osmond records.i wanted to be donnie. i used to lipsync donnie. i once lipsynced donnie to impress the girl i liked, my childhood sweetheart since 7. i practiced his vocal style too.even now i can mimic donnie pretty close singing.
mom taught me to play piano when i was 8. it was from that time on that my head began to get filled with bullshit. this mindjob made me into the narcisstic person you now know.
growing up in the church, i constantly heard “GOd is going to use you mightly one day” God has a purpose for you and your music" blah blah. dad filled my head with this kind of bullshit too. dad was a real player. women loved my dad and still do. dad wanted to be like his uncle, a real bonafide (but unlike him RESPONSIBLE) preacher. dad got saved numerous times. the last time was when he left mom for our next door neighbor. even thru all this i still love my dad. he actually worked for jimmy swaggart for a short time in the 80s.
when i was 18, i had my own revival tour in the baptist church. i wasn’t a holy roller, but i also got my head further filled with bullshit that i was “special”. all this time i thought i didn’t have an ego, but narcissist traits were developing without my knowledge. the belief that “God has a plan for me and my music” has been the theme of (yet to see, maybe) destruction all my life.
"i once was lost. was blind but now i see. "
do people REALLY know what they’re singing? since coming to taiwan, and ESPESCIALLY since coming to forumosa, i think i do. the interaction on this site has brought a lot of truth to my life.to realize life after the mindjob downfall. to realize maybe “there is no great plan” may be the greatest thing of all. to just be.
just free associating many thoughts. the lousisana i knew is long gone. you can’t go home again even if you go home again.