Nobody is responsible for another’s happiness. Our actions are dictated by our own thoughts and motivations/ intentions/ fears/ resentments/ insecurities…the list goes on.
You can’t “make” anyone be happy. That’s her decision. She jerks your chain re: going out etc. as misery loves company. It’s easy to say “Look up the ex…and see if it works.” Rose colored glasses being the devious things that they are. In a situation where there are children already in the picture…it’s just not that simple. Your wife is a new mother. Unplanned pregnancy, shotgun marriage more or less…Life turned upside down for both. She had a choice to make, $500.00 NT would have solved that problem for her. She chose another route…and is finding that living with it is not so easy.
There is an excellent counselor in Taipei, foreign male and married to a local lady…might be worth the time to speak with a professional. PM me if you want the contact details.
Marriage is work sometimes. Cultural differences and attitudes to gender roles plays havoc as well…
Nobody is responsible for another’s happiness. Our actions are dictated by our own thoughts and motivations/ intentions/ fears/ resentments/ insecurities…the list goes on.
You can’t “make” anyone be happy. That’s her decision. She jerks your chain re: going out etc. as misery loves company. It’s easy to say “Look up the ex…and see if it works.” Rose colored glasses being the devious things that they are. In a situation where there are children already in the picture…it’s just not that simple. Your wife is a new mother. Unplanned pregnancy, shotgun marriage more or less…Life turned upside down for both. She had a choice to make, $500.00 NT would have solved that problem for her. She chose another route…and is finding that living with it is not so easy.
There is an excellent counselor in Taipei, foreign male and married to a local lady…might be worth the time to speak with a professional. PM me if you want the contact details.
Marriage is work sometimes. Cultural differences and attitudes to gender roles plays havoc as well…[/quote]
Thanks for the post. The counselor suggestion is one of the things her and I have spoken about, but we’re in Tainan, so your guy isn’t an option.
We are looking at various scenarios and trying to work things out.
I talked about your post with the Mrs. Her reaction was that you should have married Rita. When I asked her what she thought you should do now, she felt that was too difficult a question.
My own take, for what it’s worth: I think that if both of you (I mean you and the wife you actually have, not the one you might have had) are really committed to being married, you can make it work. Apart from not leaving each other (or threatening to), that means finding a way to REALLY talk to each other, and for each of you to accept that if your spouse has a problem (or is unhappy for whatever reason), then you’ve got a problem too.
For example, it sounds like she’s going nuts from being with the baby all day. (Wouldn’t anybody?) The fact that she’s not working may add to her sense of feeling trapped. So you have to relieve her burden. I know–you feel trapped too, and of course you kind of are (at least, until one of you decides to call it quits). And if sports give you pleasure, then she should want you to enjoy them (can’t the kid watch too?), even as you should be willing to sacrifice them for her sake. In other words, you have to both be willing to do whatever you have to do to make the marriage work. If you aren’t, then what you have is not quite a marriage.
Think about the future. Where do you want to be, and what do you want your life to be like, in five years? Ten…? And what do you want for your kid? Something to think about.
It may turn out that one, or both, of you CAN’T be happy without a divorce. That’s something else you’ll have to talk about–I mean, really talk–and listen to each other about. In that case, I hope you can still find a way to work together for the sake of your child. (Not like your earlier marriage.)
Best of luck to you all as you make your decision.
You know what they say…Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve…And in retrospect things always seem rosier than they were, so no guarantees there. Such is life.
Struth. We had a really productive weekend, talking about all these things. Actually, the marriage process works in our favour. It was such a logistic nightmare getting married, and when you consider how easy it is to get divorced, it kinda puts things in perspective.
I think it’s sometimes easy to blame the other party, but it’s difficult to really take ownership of your own faults. I’ve forced myself to do this and we’re going to try and find a middle ground. Talk things through calmly and compromise. In short, try to understand each other more and where we’re coming from.
Well, we’ve sorted this out in a sense. We got her an easy four hour a day accounting position, which gets her a few quid a month and let’s her spend part of her day with adults. I think this’ll help her on many levels. Some extra money in her pocket, and getting out of the house everyday.
She also agreed that I could go watch the Australia vs New Zealand Bledisloe Cup test match in Hong Kong in November with the mates. That’s a big step for her.
You know, I’m happy I posted this thread, because everyone has been really supportive and offered nothing but awesome advice. I’ve been really impressed how everyone has tried to come up with strategies and ideas how to make it work, rather than to call it quits. I’ve appreciated everyone’s posts so much and the Forumosans came up with so many things I’ve never considered or thought about.
And what you wrote here was a watershed for me. Sure, I need to spend time with western friends speaking proper English instead of a dumbed down version having to explain half of what I have to say (everyday at work…it gets tedious and you need a release from it), but it doesn’t help that I go overboard either. One day all my mates are gone and then who do I have? I do love my wife and I would rather still be with her in five or ten years than not. I would also prefer my little guy had a home with both his parents. Although it doesn’t help if both of us are continually at each other’s throats, so we’re coming up with strategies to learn to talk to each other and share our feelings without getting angry and passing the blame.
Had this talk this weekend. We both want to be together rather than apart, not just for the boy, but also for each other. I think that we’ve really turned a corner and realise we have a lot of work to do, but I think we’re finally up to it.
This thread, and everyone’s comments has really meant a lot to me, and it’s helped me in more ways than you can imagine. Marriage is hard, and when it crosses cultures and language barriers it gets even harder I hope that it helps more than just me.
Thanks guys (and gals). Your thoughts have been invaluable. Nice to see that the Forumosans aren’t always a cynical bunch.
What a beautiful story. I’ve found that this happens quite often. My grandmother’s brother-in-law died in his sleep and two days later my grandmother’s sister also died. I think when people live and love each other together for so long, one really can’t survive without the other.
Thanks, Buttercup ad Tash, for the words of encouragement.
