Married sex, or the lack thereof

Life Dating & Relationships
1

Elderly forumosans, you have long been freaking me out with your tales of sexless marriages. I’ve also read a fair amount about sexless marriages from other (also dubious) sources. As a sex-loving female, I simply cannot understand why these wives don’t want to have sex anymore. And yet, I can’t point at my elder sisters and say “I’ll never be like that!” because the fact is, I share their biology and if they reached a point that they loathe being touched, so too, might I.

As with everything else in life, this conundrum has a TED talk attached.

The end of the talk stood out to me most (from minute 12 on). She talks about how for “millions of people” (and by this I think she means primarily women) desire comes after physical arousal. I think there’s some solid truth to this. I’ve had many nights where I’ve thought, “I bet he’s going to want to have sex tonight and I’m not sure I want to =(” only to get into the thick of it and get really into it. I suppose it would be a problem for the woman if she never let things get started at all though. Then her desire would never catch up. Perhaps you could show this video to some of your wives?

2

Yup, marriage decreases sex, not increases.

Bills increase, sex decreases… :unamused:

3

The problem usually arises when one of the partners uses sex to manipulate the other partner into doing things or complying with certain conditions. It is so common the fact that many wives give the cold shoulder if the husbands don’t agree with them in certain things or do certain things for them (some husbands do that also), after the wedding the partners don’t need to buy or hunt for sex somewhere but they need to behave in certain ways to get laid. Sex is never a big problem for partners that are not married, none can use it as a tool to get something from the other.

4

I guess that all depends on the two of them, but yeah, time makes things less… interesting? appealing? new?

5

Do not agree it is just the elderly and question why that is in the premise of the question. It can happen, and often does, at all stages of the marriage. Several discussing the topic here in the forums have stated they have small children (assumed not elderly). Many experience this right after having children.

6

Having been through a couple of marriages, I can offer the following observations.

Ex wife 1, not a great marriage, sex was if not plentiful, then kept in regular supply by the missus. She got off a couple times when having intercourse, and enjoyed it. Ex wife was 28 when we got together, and 37 when we split.

Ex wife 2, once the baby and marriage license were in hand, the sex dried up. No interest, moving out of the bedroom to “look after the child”, or whatever. There was an uptick when she felt it was time for a second child, a behavior found in all species apart from humans and bonobos, meaning that sex is not for recreation, but for procreation only. The marriage suffered immensely, and ended for a lot of reasons, with no sex being one of them. Ex was 28 when we got together, and 35 when we split.

Current live-in girlfriend. No complaints, she verbalizes her need for sex and is very big on kisses, hugs, coddling and the like. She was 46 when we got together and is 48 now.

I find little correlation between age per se and sex. Correlations would be more self esteem based. Unhappy marriages are likelier to be sexless than happier marriages, I would think, however are happier marriages happier because people have sex? Or do they have sex because they are happy? I would opt for the latter, as I once had repeated carnal knowledge of married female. She wanted to meet with me to get what she did not get in her marriage, IE a 3 hour romp in a motel, where she expected something wild hot and repeated. She told me that she did not like sex with her husband, and would do what it took to avoid performing her wifely duties.

My take in it all would be that we all need sex, and the best place is where you do not have to hide anything to anyone. If you withold it from your partner as a tool, or because you do not want it with him, you are creating troubles for yourself, and being mean toward your partner.

The long and short of it is that we are sexual beings. Sex should not be a commodity, especially in a marriage, and if it’s used as a bargaining chip, then it becomes one.

7

I think some women just think that marriage is the next part of life and want the family life but dont really want the sex. Some girls, and I have had the misfortune of having met many of them, are simply not that into sex. Its just not something they really live for. They just don’t have that urge or need for it.

I’m currently married to one such girl.

Sex is just something to be “doled out once a month”. But not something she apparently needs or wants.

Such is life. In the long run thats probably better. AS a couple who is together only for sex (in the sense that the only thing good about the union was the sex) is doomed to fail for sure.

You can’t be really bored with something if you ain’t even doing it can ya? :slight_smile:

8

I’ve seen quite a few Taiwanese friends who have had their sex lives plummet (at least by their accounts, I have no first hand knowledge…) after a child is born. My guesstimation is that it has in part to do with exhausting work hours and in part with small homes and in part with a bear-like overprotectiveness of children. It also probably has to do with living with the husband’s parents a bit…

As for the rest of the world, I have no input. I’ve only been married for a month and the wife and I haven’t moved in together yet, so I’ll update you guys in a few years.

9

[quote=“Hokwongwei”]I’ve seen quite a few Taiwanese friends who have had their sex lives plummet (at least by their accounts, I have no first hand knowledge…) after a child is born. My guesstimation is that it has in part to do with exhausting work hours and in part with small homes and in part with a bear-like overprotectiveness of children. It also probably has to do with living with the husband’s parents a bit…

As for the rest of the world, I have no input. I’ve only been married for a month and the wife and I haven’t moved in together yet, so I’ll update you guys in a few years.[/quote]

This is not a given, though. After my first child was born, I did not dare to approach the wife in a sexual manner, but would cuddle her a lot, she was tired. She asked me to have sex with her 3 weeks after the birth, and seemed to enjoy it. I was extremely careful.

My missus thinks that sex is a pleasure, however also something you as a married person must have with your spouse.

10

In my case, the wife’s parents.

My wife got pregnant the same day we married (the only chance she got), and sex was a big no-no for the following 15 months. Then again, she just doesn’t seem to feel the urge. Ever.

My theory is, whenever she feels the urge, she just vents it buying clothes, bags or shoes, and that’s enough for her. :fume:

11

BTW (and don’t laugh or get angry at me) if you want a satisfactory sex life DO NOT marry a person born under the Aquarius or Gemini signs. Aquarius people can live without sex. I have this from lots of guys that divorced their Aquarius wives because of that. If you are after a happy sex life, get a Scorpio or Taurus person.

12

In my case, the wife’s parents.

My wife got pregnant the same day we married (the only chance she got), and sex was a big no-no for the following 15 months. Then again, she just doesn’t seem to feel the urge. Ever.

My theory is, whenever she feels the urge, she just vents it buying clothes, bags or shoes, and that’s enough for her. :fume:[/quote]

Lack of sex is usually a sign of other issues, which I think there are.

I have actually heard the phrase that sex is something a wife does as part of the job from more than one Taiwanese female.

My first ex wife was OK with sex during pregnancy; in both instances, last intercourse before birth was less than 24 hours before the birth took place.

Sperm will soften the cervix, so if she is overdue, it might actually help, and it’s a damn sight better than the contraction stimulating drips they use here.

13

Libra? Also an airsign. (Me ma’s into that shit) Airsigns are the only signs who are compatible with other signs. Libra is the only sign that is compatible with itself. :laughing:

True on the Scorpio front but they are fcking depressing people, personality-wise. And me ma’s a Taurus. That’s not cool.

14

I’m not sure if it’s specifically elderliness, but it’s a fact that we’re not, you know, supermodels [anymore]. So that might be part of it. Making an effort to be physically attractive is important, I think, but there comes a point where you’re really fighting a losing battle.

Interesting, and I think true to a certain extent for men too; for us, it’s just a lot easier to get the process started, as it were.

In Taiwan specifically, I think far too many women are hung up on marriage as a life goal. Simply being married is the target, mainly because someone (parents etc) has told them to. Obviously a lot of them want kids, too - again (sometimes) because they’ve been told that they do. Once their duty is fulfilled and the kid has been offloaded onto grandparents or a babysitter, it’s back to business-as-usual: turning up at the office and waiting for death. The bit about having a husband - that is, an actual living, breathing person, as opposed to a sort of ornament that just, like, sits there and does husbandly things when instructed - isn’t really part of the plan.

FWIW, my experience with this (and a heap of other related bullshit) resulted in me simply getting so demoralised and pissed off I turned into a major asshole - not a deliberate choice, just an emotional rock-bottom low. At that point, she suddenly decided I was the most desirable bloke on the planet. That was a serious WTF? moment.

Undoubtedly. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, the obvious explanation is that they simply don’t like you very much. It’s then up to you to figure out why, but there might not be much you can do to get it back.

15

You are right. Ex 2 wanted to get married in order to get married. Once that was achieved, the sex life petered out.

My wife wants to be with me. She wants someone to share life with, go bikeriding with, go travelling with, sleep with, cook for, take care of, and in general be happy with. She tells me that she is happy all the time, and she looks happy too.

Do you think she refuses me access to her sexual favors?

16

[quote=“Ermintrude”]Libra? Also an airsign. (Me ma’s into that shit) Airsigns are the only signs who are compatible with other signs. Libra is the only sign that is compatible with itself. :laughing:

True on the Scorpio front but they are fcking depressing people, personality-wise. And me ma’s a Taurus. That’s not cool.[/quote]

I’ve never heard any complaining about Libra in the matters of sex. Most people that I know complain that Aquarius peoples are the cold fishes in the sack. They could live without sex and not miss it but they do it as a humanitarian act. Aquarius peoples are very humanitarian and charitable so they give sex more as a favor or some experiment.

17

I wonder if this thread would be better titled something like “Disparities in Marital Sex” or something like that.
If The Reverend Dan Savage has taught us anything at all, it’s that there as many different stati quo for standards within a relationship as there are participants.

What’s key is that there’s parity.

What seems like an appalling level of inactivity (or of activity, for that matter :wink: ) to others should be perfectly acceptable as long as both partners consider it satisfactory.

As a side note, reading the details of all you guys’ copulational activities is leaving me kind of queasy here, but that’s just me.

18

[quote=“robert the bruce”][quote=“Ermintrude”]Libra? Also an airsign. (Me ma’s into that shit) Airsigns are the only signs who are compatible with other signs. Libra is the only sign that is compatible with itself. :laughing:

True on the Scorpio front but they are fcking depressing people, personality-wise. And me ma’s a Taurus. That’s not cool.[/quote]

I’ve never heard any complaining about Libra in the matters of sex. Most people that I know complain that Aquarius peoples are the cold fishes in the sack. They could live without sex and not miss it but they do it as a humanitarian act. Aquarius peoples are very humanitarian and charitable so they give sex more as a favor or some experiment.[/quote]

My wee sister’s an Aquarius and she’s a right trollop. Actually, I’m not going to think about that any more. :noway:

The best sex is when you have no feckin clue what their starsign is. :wink:

19

:laughing:

I’ve heard so many lame ways to defend the wizardry of astrology.
“It’s statistics.” “They’ve done studies.” “It only applies to Taiwanese people.” “What would a Westerner know about it?” “It’s just for reference.”

Or, in other words, it’s made-up hogwash that gives people a convenient excuse to blame something that could have been avoided on “fate” (or a lack thereof).

20

It was one of the few ‘get out of jail free cards’ I could use with my mother. ‘Shrug. I’m a Libra, what do you expect?’

She still complains how hard it was having two airsign children. We’d just say ‘But you’re an earth sign? how could you relate to our air signiness?’

:laughing: