Martial Arts Guide

I just came across this thing I wrote for ExpoExtra a while ago. I thought maybe somebody would get a kick out of it…

Kung Fu is Kung Fu, It’s Not Child’s Play

The reasons why Western folks come to Asia are myriad (well, there’s at least three or four, does that count as myriad?), but one of the most interesting and pathetic reasons is to study martial arts. Unfortunately, inscrutable Asians rarely reveal their secrets to outsiders, and finding the right art and teacher can be as difficult as finding a clean shirt on laundry day. So to expedite you on your quest, Expo Extra offers the following as an introduction to the world of martial arts.


Aikido is the art of semi-circular dwarf tossing, except that regular sized people are used instead of dwarves. The art was created by Morihei Ueshiba after he became such a proficient martial artist that he declared, “I’m such a badass, I don’t even have to hit people anymore. I’ll create a martial art just to rub it in everyone’s faces.” Aikido became popular worldwide after Steven Segal hit the silver screen and threw more people than have been thrown since BA Barracus’ stint on the A-team.


This is a kind of kung fu where you “change palms” or something. One thing for sure, it involves a lot of looking very serious and walking in circles. I

Your Guide to Martial Arts is quite funny, witty and—to a large extent true. Add some pictures and publish it as a book (really, no fooling). It would be more accurate than about 90% of the martial arts books that are out there now.

take care,

Glad to return the favor and give you a chuckle or two, Brian as you have given me a number of them in your nutty, angry and often hilarious column in pots.

I actually know a guy who’d studied Judo in Japan for a year and managed to get enough of what he’d learned internalized that one night, after he’d been back in NZ for like 4 months, we were all out drinking and he was working the mojo on a girl from our dorm, and then when we all got out of the taxi at the dorm at the end of the night he was walking out in front and she bounded up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and he grabbed her arm and flipped her onto the grass in front of him. Drunk. He didn’t even dare look at that girl for like a month after that 'cause he felt so shitty about that.