Men and porn

Okay, admittedly that was less a comment on female endurance than the frequency of male masturbation. But since it was pretty lame, here are some alternative explanations.

The Fountain of Youth Theory
What’s that line from Wooderson in “Dazed and Confused”? Oh yeah, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” Same thing with porn.

The Funny Money Theory
Remember how much fun playing Monopoly was as a kid? Didn’t you love playing with all the money at least in part because you couldn’t get the real thing? Same thing with porn.

The Compensation Theory
It takes a lot of time and effort to get into a deep, lasting, mutually supportive, and loving relationship – if it ever even happens at all. So we usually give up and settle for double clicking our way to shallow, fleeting, one-way, lustful relationships.

The Vicarious Living Theory
Is there really any need to elaborate?

The Morbid Fascination Theory
Ever see a Japanese guy feverishly diddle with a finger or some futuristic contraption? She can’t be enjoying that, and it’s altogether unclear what his motivations are, but you just can’t stop watching. It’s like trying to eat just one potato chip.

The Mise-en-scène Theory
To those of us schooled in film theory and production, porn represents an excellent opportunity to analyze stylistic and narrative elements of film. For example, while costume design isn’t a particularly important concern, props are worth special scrutiny since they can be up to a foot long and manipulated with hands, mouths, or other orifices. Porn lighting also helps to enhance dramatic effect since attached/cast shadows and make-up combine to accentuate the extremities while shifting attention (usually in vain) from augmentation scars and Ron Jeremy’s gut. Variable settings are also key, since office desks and Jacuzzis are often more authentic and historically accurate than beds. Complex spatial design, after all, is almost always more effective at directing the gaze than cutting. And the acting? Oh my Godard, that’s the apotheosis of the porn film experience. Of course we look to other concerns such as cinematography (particularly tracking shots of orgies, genital-line matches, and shot/reverse shot), and while porn editing is an art unto itself, sound production helps to guide us from slap bass and jazz to slap ass and jizz.

I hope that helps.