Men!

Life Dating & Relationships
1

Okay, not long ago I posted about maybe considering thinking about looking for a new love. This is why I always change my mind.

In the last 12 days:

One friend told me that THREE ex boyfriends, all of whom she hadn’t seen or spoken to in more than a year, one of them close to twenty years, and two of them married, Skyped or FB’d her looking for sex chat.

One friend’s niece had her new baby home from the hospital a week before filing divorce papers because she found out her husband has been cheating on her for her entire marriage.

One friend’s husband was forced to submit to DNA testing because he might have been the father of a four year old child. He wasn’t, but he could have been.

One friend tells me she’s talking to her ex, who’s been trying to woo her back, and they start to argue because she can tell something is wrong and he won’t say what. Finally, he tells her he’s just made love to another woman, and then goes on to ask her to marry him!! All while the other woman is still sleeping in his bed!

And another friend just threw her husband out because she found out that he was having an affair with the same woman his first ex wife divorced him for sleeping with. The girlfriend called my friend because he’d been sleeping around on HER with the first ex wife! He was sleeping with both the first ex, the girlfriend, and my friend.

I could not MAKE this stuff up! Now, either everyone I know is twenty shades of crazy (really quite possible), or there just ARE NO MEN, no REAL MEN, out there!

I don’t want to hate on men. I’m trying to raise one, after all.

Please, someone, give me a reason to belive!

2

Theres certainly men who dont cheat. And theres certainly more who are not stoopid enough to get caught :smiley:

And i might add, just as many women cheat as men and many even more blatantly.

Men and women are really the same under the skin.

3

Housecat, most of the men I know would never pull such shenanigans. There are plenty of decent guys out there, and not all of them are taken.

4

What’s wrong with women today? They have such unreasonable expectations of men.

Honestly, why does any of this surprise you? I know it’s not how things should, especially in an ideal world, but this is how it has always been because we are all descended from people who screwed around.

Men who don’t screw around are less likely to father as many children, which means that the next generation contains slightly more studmuffins than the previous one. The odds of getting a Tomas, in this day and age, are minimal.

On a side-note, I have this theory that marriage was not invented by men to control women as is often claimed. Quite the reverse, in fact.

5

Sometimes I feel like I’ll hear those sort of stories steadily for a month- it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. This has been one of those months, when I find out all of my sweet guy friends here are running around on their dedicated girlfriends, other guys are confessing their various sins to me, etc.
Sometimes I feel like I have to work really hard not to hate men. But it helps when I think of my brother, and other guys I know who are great. They’re out there. Sometimes we just don’t give them the attention they deserve.
Also, I try to remember stories of my (male) love sick friends and remember that we both make each other miserable sometimes- it’s human nature, not male nature.

on a side note: Are most of these stories stories from Taiwan? I do think foreign men have more temptation here (because their big noses are so sexy and their eyes are so deep and they’re so exciting to a lot of Taiwanese women) so therefore may cheat more, also it’s easy to lose your moral compass while in a foreign country. So some of this may be a product of where you’re living.

6

[quote=“NonTocareLeTete”]Sometimes I feel like I’ll hear those sort of stories steadily for a month- it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. This has been one of those months, when I find out all of my sweet guy friends here are running around on their dedicated girlfriends, other guys are confessing their various sins to me, etc.
Sometimes I feel like I have to work really hard not to hate men. But it helps when I think of my brother, and other guys I know who are great. They’re out there. Sometimes we just don’t give them the attention they deserve.
Also, I try to remember stories of my (male) love sick friends and remember that we both make each other miserable sometimes- it’s human nature, not male nature.

on a side note: Are most of these stories stories from Taiwan? I do think foreign men have more temptation here (because their big noses are so sexy and their eyes are so deep and they’re so exciting to a lot of Taiwanese women) so therefore may cheat more, also it’s easy to lose your moral compass while in a foreign country. So some of this may be a product of where you’re living.[/quote]

No, these are all stories from my girls back “home.” I don’t know of any of those men back “home” are foreign there or not.

Wasn’t Tomas quite the player before his married life began? Or is all that just a rumor? :wink:

I just feel a bit overwhelmed with all the bad news, lately. These men are throwing away entire families and breaking the hearts of women who love them WAY more than they deserve to be loved, all for a little strange. Can it be worth it? Can it be THAT hard to be faithful?

7

Housecat, relax, men have not gotten better or worse since you last dated :wink:

For some reason right now (or always, if you’re the type) you’re seeing/hearing/reading the negative stories. There are probably just as many positive stories about relationships, but they don’t get as much publicity.

And it’s not just men. There are just as many women who do bad stuff, and then there are those who don’t.

Your chances of finding a good guy are great. You just need to focus on the good and you’ll see them :slight_smile:

Some of you know this story. I was in a nightmare of a relationship, with a guy who not only cheated on me and lied to me for two years, but did the same to another woman in parallel, then had a child with her, without me knowing, abandoned her and the child initially, took his anger out on me, etc. etc. The question “Why did either of you stay with this bastard?” begs to be answered, but that’s not the point here.
The point I would like to make is that it would be almost natural of me to expect the worst in men everywhere. But that’s not the case. There are lots of good, genuine people out there, I see them nearly every day. Some of them are even men. Just kidding :wink: There are good men and women everywhere and they are still looking for that honest human connection. I am convinced. The more genuinely you approach another human being, the better the chances that they will reciprocate.

Not everyone is out to use and abuse you. Very few people are like that. Very few people enter a relationship with the intention to cheat and lie. That’s my belief, anyway. However, mistakes get made and then it’s up to them to be courageous enough to admit them, and up to you whether you will accept them or not.

Bottom line: Finding good people shouldn’t be that difficult. Don’t be a cynic and it will be easier.

Small print: Finding one that meets all the other requirements, now that’s going to be hard :smiley:

Edit: I see now that this is not in the Women’s Forum, as I first thought. I wouldn’t have been as generous in my praise towards men had I known they would be reading :wink: Too late now.

8

Listen. You have to be real about life, right? You’re an adult. I’m not yet but it seems like I have a better grasp of the situation than most people with decades more experience than I have.

Here’s my philosophy. Maybe it can help you:
I’ve realized that men are not dogs that will stay home when you tell them “Stay” and LIKEWISE I am not a dog that will “Stay” either.

They cheat. OK, FINE. You cheat if you want/can as well. Never assume your man is faithful to you, but never do anything to make your suspicion create issues- especially its just a suspicion and your relationship is going fine all other ways. And never, NEVER, NEHHHHHVAAAHHHH admit to cheating.

As long as your man is bringing home the money to take care of his family and he’s caring and loving father and husband- what’s the problem? You’re a woman. You can get sex easier than he can I bet. So why not shake your thing and have fun too?

That’s the majority of women’s mistakes imho: They don’t play the game and cry when someone breaks “their” rules.

9

That much is evident. That’s not a dig at you personally. I just found your sentiments to be very immature.

The best kind of relationship in one in which neither partner wants to be with anyone else. If that’s not the case, then of course cheating is inevitable and the relationship is doomed.

10

It takes two to tango.

Women must be messing around too, or who the hell are these men messing around with? Sure, some men may not be telling their playmates that they are in a relationship, but I have to believe that most are. Otherwise, how do they prevent the expectation of things evolving into a more serious relationship? Either those women are also cheating on someone, or at least enabling and encouraging the man to do so. And, anecdotally, recently the marriage of a close friend and another of a client were both dissolved due to the wife cheating.

11

That much is evident. That’s not a dig at you personally. I just found your sentiments to be very immature.

The best kind of relationship in one in which neither partner wants to be with anyone else. If that’s not the case, then of course cheating is inevitable and the relationship is doomed.[/quote]

I think its ridiculous to assume that there are two people in this world that somehow magically find themselves and want to be only with eachother forever (as marriage entails). I wish that were true, but seriously, I don’t live in Disney Land. Maybe you do. Can I get an invite?

My first “love” cheated on me with the same girl he cheated on with his first girlfriend. Yup. Then he went off to some far off college and started fucking around with the girls there. I said “Ok, I’m going to have some time too”. He didn’t like that much if you can believe it.

A few years later I dated a guy about 8 years older than me, apparently an adult who owned his own successful business and all. How did I meet him? Cause he was cheating on his fiance who had been living with him three years. He ended up breaking up with her after meeting me (yea, know.) but not after having been cheating on his fiance for 5 YEARS. And telling all of their friends about his escapades. I hung around him cause it was fun- his business was a plane charter and we would go flying all over the place- and left when I went back out to college. No love lost on my part. But damn. Can you imagine how it felt for the fiance?? Your man of 5 years dumps you for a young thing and your friends have known all along you’ve been PLAYED THE WHOLE TIME.

I know one guy who is truly genuinely honest and decent. He had been dating my best friend since our High School Prom and it seriously seemed like that was going to be the first wedding. We went to college together, all lived in the same dorm, and a few years later it comes out that she’s been cheating on him for years and with 2-3 guys. That was a :astonished:

And those are just the memorable stories. I’ve got plenty.
So seriously, if you’ve got an invitation to your Disney World, I’d love one. Please send it.

12

I rest my case…

13

Just remember players play and cheaters cheat and sometimes players get played and cheaters cheated on too. Its because of this “phenomenon” that hollywood and bollywood even exists because they are a mirror of what can and does happen out there.

Its vicious out there !!

14

I met him while he was cheating with another person :wink:
We hung out and I was like “Sure. We can date. But not if you’re fiance is still living with you”

I can’t stress enough how bad I felt for this girl. She was I think 29/30 and expecting to be married soon and she was the type of girl who feels her life is now over at 30 without a husband. But if it wasn’t me, it was someone else. I just made him end it before starting anything much with me.

15

Oh OH one more memorable story, just to even out the scales on the gender-cheating. This one is a good one:

I met a French man who moved to NYC about 2 years ago who has since become one of my best friends. He was MARRIED to a French woman in France and when he moved out to NY cause of company, the woman had to stay in France for like 3 months in order to sort out last minute things. She had found a job in NYC but his job was about 1.5 hours north of NYC. So all the while the woman is in France, he is sorting things out in NY, getting things ready. I meet him cause I help Couchsurfers get settled in the area and he contacted me since NY state is quite large to figure one’s way around. We spend quite some effort and time searcing and finding a house close to the city for her, buys a Prius so he can save on the gas to get to his job, and is looking into puppies to adopt. The whole sha-bang. And all to make her comfortable in the new setting. 3 months later she is filing for divorce (which would later turn into an annulment) because she’s changed her mind and no longer wants to move to NY with him COUGH cheating COUGH

Damn. His heart is still broken.

16

I hope there are more than just two people in the entire world who are happy together. :wink:

OK, here’s your invitation. Realize that your bad personal experiences do not preclude you from finding a person with whom you will be happy. Realize that you’re still young, and that your view on life may change over time. Assuming that your (future) husband will eventually betray you and that you will betray him is not a recipe for happiness.

I was very cynical about marriage after my parents got divorced. I was 16 at the time. Two years later I met the woman who would become my wife, and my attitude changed very quickly. I had never met a girl so full of life and humor, and yet also so loyal and serious. We’ve been married for 9 years now. I know I’m one of the lucky ones, but there are plenty of others out there. You may benefit by keeping an open mind.

17

[quote=“Lili”]Listen. You have to be real about life, right? You’re an adult. I’m not yet but it seems like I have a better grasp of the situation than most people with decades more experience than I have.

Here’s my philosophy. Maybe it can help you:
I’ve realized that men are not dogs that will stay home when you tell them “Stay” and LIKEWISE I am not a dog that will “Stay” either.

They cheat. OK, FINE. You cheat if you want/can as well. Never assume your man is faithful to you, but never do anything to make your suspicion create issues- especially its just a suspicion and your relationship is going fine all other ways. And never, NEVER, NEHHHHHVAAAHHHH admit to cheating.

As long as your man is bringing home the money to take care of his family and he’s caring and loving father and husband- what’s the problem? You’re a woman. You can get sex easier than he can I bet. So why not shake your thing and have fun too?

That’s the majority of women’s mistakes imho: They don’t play the game and cry when someone breaks “their” rules.[/quote]

So let me get this straight. You say that women who are being cheated on should cause FURTHER harm to their family by cheating as well? Wow. THAT’ll do a world of good…

That much is evident. That’s not a dig at you personally. I just found your sentiments to be very immature.

The best kind of relationship in one in which neither partner wants to be with anyone else. If that’s not the case, then of course cheating is inevitable and the relationship is doomed.[/quote]

I think its ridiculous to assume that there are two people in this world that somehow magically find themselves and want to be only with eachother forever (as marriage entails). I wish that were true, but seriously, I don’t live in Disney Land. Maybe you do. Can I get an invite?[/quote]

IMarriage has been working out for centuries. If it isn’t for you, then fine, don’t get married. But I don’t think you should be putting the whole population of married people down with your bad experiences.

18

^I’m not putting the married people down. And its not just my own experiences, obviously. I like the idea of marriage and having someone to share your life with forever. But I think too many people consider marriage a way to keep their significant other interested in only themselves, which is not sustainable. People and sentiments change.
And like I said, I do know a man who is genuine and wonderful. He doesn’t float my boat, but there he is existing for someone lucky enough to find him.

Gao Bohan, I’m sure you’re right. One day I will find “that person”, but in response to your comment of “The best kind of relationship in one in which neither partner wants to be with anyone else.” I dont think that me finding “that person” means a person who wants to be with me and me only. That’s the part I find “ridiculous” and makes for some pretty bitter endings. I think there a bajillion people who can be happy together. But those people might also end up happy with other people at some other point in time (or at the same time).

19

If you think this then there is even less reason to cheat. I mean how difficult is it to remain faithful to one person for a year, two, even ten, when you know you’re eventually going to get some more with a different person? :laughing:

But in reality couples do meet and want to commit a lifetime to each other. It doesn’t always work out, as often they grow apart after many years, but remaining faithful while you are committed should be expected and delivered. It’s not that hard. Yes, of course you don’t stop lusting after other people when you are married. But unless you are a creep, or have an open marriage (perfectly acceptable if both of you agree), then you shouldn’t put a bit of pleasure over the happiness of someone you love.

It’s simple. If you love someone and you know cheating on them will kill them inside (as it almost always will) then you don’t do it. If you don’t love them, it really doesn’t matter as long as you are honest about that.

When I look around the world and see people who can’t resist a frickin donut, or adding 10 sugars to their coffee when they are already overweight, then it doesn’t surprise me that most people fall for whatever little pathetic lusts happen upon them. But there are people who have values, who know that a good life is about compromise and self-discipline, and more importantly who have big hearts that won’t let them hurt others.

20

People cheat mainly for sex (the excitement of someone new ) . People stray from marriages because of sex (or lack thereof). Eventually people who are happily married realized that it isnt all about sex. Theres more, theres companionship, theres understanding. Theres no need to once again build a skycraper of memories of shared pleasures.

When you have your mate, when you truly do. Sex is one part of the overall “experience”.

Sex is the easy part, its staying together and loving each other truly that is the hard part.

True love is truly hard to find. Real sex is much easier to obtain, even if you have to buy it. But sex alone is eventually unsatisfying. Exploring who you are and who he/she is can be a continuing saga of mystery.