Moving in to gf and her daughter's place

Sorry, not sure with forum might be most suitable. I post here as it somehow is affecting my relationship to my taiwanese girlfriend.
I am dating here for 8 roughly 8 months now, and finally moved in to her place. She is divorced and has a 15 year old daughter. I stayed overnight at that place during dating, but since moving in I really don’t know how to deal with the daughter.
I have heard many taiwanese children are not matured according to their age, but experience this on a daily basis is a new experience and put the whole thing on a new level.

The daughter herself has quite a hard childhood with her father not caring her that much and since parent’s divorce 2 years ago she refuses any contact to him and not even call him as being her father. Thus she is totally focused on her mother.

She needs daily hugging from her mother and before I have met my girlfriend they even slept together (which I think is very weird), besides the fact that she has her own comfortable bedroom.

I try to establish some kind of communication with the daughter, but its very difficult as she is very shy to open up (which to a certain degree is quite understandable).
Of course I tried to talk with my girlfriend about this situation, but to my surprise she doesn’t care that much either (as she is quite busy with her own business).

Daughter’s school grades are quite low and she hardly does any homework. Mother sends her to Buxi -and AnQingBan, pays for it and that is it. Daughter kindly rejects my offer for some kind of help regarding her english classes (despite english isn’t my mothertongue).

Anyway, I would be happy to share your experiences and suggestions as I am sure here are many Forumoseans who went through a similar situation.
Besides being even more patient, what else could I do to gain her trust ?
Or should I more or less ignore her and just focus on my and my gf’s own life (which I think isn’t a good idea), but even truly more than 10 years here in Taiwan I still truly have no idea how a taiwanese family is working out things …

Any help, any suggestions ?
Thank you very much

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It takes time for people to open up to others in these situations. At least she isn’t acting out and trying to make your life hell to get attention.

Just keep offering to help and be there for her. I’m sure she’s not used to this kind of thing and it’s hard for her to depend on someone. I have this issue, my dad was pretty much gone all the time for work. No one in my house ever helped me with HW, I never even know this was something parents did until I saw my friends parents in the US help them.

I’m very adverse to asking for help even to this day. Which can be a good quality of independence and being able to figure it out but it’s also probably best if you get some help from time to time.

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The daughter likely sees you as a foreign (literally) interloper. You’re a stranger who’s moved into her house and is vying with her for the attention of the most important person in her life. The fact that she’s not being openly hostile toward you is probably more than you deserve. The only thing you can do is give her time to get used to your presence.

Whatever you do, don’t try to monopolize her mother’s time. Give them plenty of mother-daughter time, and when you do things with her mother, offer to include her (although she’ll probably decline for a good while).

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I can’t even imagine how I’d feel as a kid in that situation. Of course she is going to resent you. She’s 15, trying to figure out who she is as a person which is hard enough under the best of circumstances, and now she has to deal with her absentee father taking off at this critical time in her life, and some random (presumably foreign) guy coming in as mom’s new boyfriend.

I don’t know if you noticed during your 10 years here, but the average Taiwanese person does not exactly see foreigners as a known quantity.

At her age if that had happened to me I’d have probably run away from home in a blind teenage rage so I’d say she’s reacting quite well.

Edit: On the question of parents sleeping with teenaged or even adult children, this is quite common in East Asian countries. It’s different than where I come from, yes, but you can either experience these things and throw up defense/rejection mechanisms based on your own background, or you can keep an open mind and see that everything is relative, including all the things you consider “normal.”

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I’m recently in same situation as you, been 6 months now moving in, daughter now 19.
From your description I think you are doing well and all comments on here seem good advice.
I had problems at Christmas new year time with daughter, who wants to be treated as a adult but behaves like a child, doesn’t seem same situation with you.
Stay cool be calm don’t try to hard on kindness be yourself I think you maybe surprised how she will accept you.

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Thank you for all the answers …

One more thing I am kind of curious.
Here in TW, is it actually “normal” that a soon to be 16 year old girl really enjoys to see cartoons in TV (those children channels on cable TV) ?
I personally don’t like that at all, but I know other adults sometimes watch it for fun, to kill time, but my gf’s daughter really seem to enjoy watching it (sometimes for hours on the weekend).
Is such behavior kind of normal in Asian countries / Taiwan or does the daughter suffer from some kind of (serious?) underdevelopment issue(s), which a doctor might better take care of ?

No.

There’s no way it’s that kind of either/or situation either. Maybe, but maybe she just likes cartoons. It could be one element in a bigger picture.

:zipper_mouth_face:

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I find this post to be overly judgemental. If she likes cartoons, Who cares? To be honest, i consider that insulting that you are implying that someone who watches cartoons has a mental disability.

Honestly, who are you to say her interests are wrong?

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Personally I like to watch the simpsons. Does that make me weird? You should know in Asia, especially japan they have very adult cartoons, as in something children should not be watching. In fact many children’s anime has to be edited to be allowed on TV in the US because even those contain overt sexual innuendos.

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You’re a good person for dating a single mother, but of course it isn’t easy as you’re also taking on some baggage from their previous life. I wouldn’t try to interfere with any of their established routines (like the mom sleeping with the daughter), even if they seem emotionally unhealthy (which it is). I wouldn’t try to force any relationship with the daughter either. Just be a steady presence there. If she sees you as a strong male presence who takes care of her mom, eventually she will gravitate towards you and may open up. This might be months or years, but don’t try and rush it. Let it happen naturally. Do you plan to marry the mom?

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I’m a 37 year old dude and I still watch cartoons sometimes. Don’t worry about what’s healthy or unhealthy yet, as she will sense you trying to change her and rebel against you. Unlike the sleeping-with-mother thing, I don’t think there’s anything wrong/unhealthy with a 15 year old girl watching cartoons.

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Also worth mentioning is that cartoons are much more nuanced and intellectually stimulating than a lot of the local programming aimed at adults.

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taiwan is a country where adults have hello kitty items.

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Certainly better than the dreck that passes for dramas here (Taiwan, you’re no Korea when it comes to this). Or watching the mind-numbing news repeatedly play CCTV clips of whatever poor bastards on scooters got mowed down by blue trucks that day.

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:mask: I’m oldy and still like to watch cartoons with my niece and nothing is wrong about it.
Specially sponge bob :grin:

If I was her mom and I seen this post … you are …no comment … my post will be deleted again.

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It’s one thing to date a woman it’s quite another to live together with her

If it’s not long term I don’t want to live with a woman

Especially NOT together with her 15 year old

Son or daughter

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Remember, you and your gf decided to date each other and move in to her place not the daughter. She got all of this forced onto her. Healthy or not you kicked her out of the bed, among other things. She’s a child, she is not supposed to understand and compromise, you are. Give them as much mother and daughter time as you can and try to include her in your activities as much as you are comfortable with. Give her time and let her understand on her own terms not yours.

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Plus if possible move out keep your sanity

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