Moving into the Inlaws' house?

Life Dating & Relationships
1

My SO received a phone call from his dad today saying his mum was wondering how much we were spending on rent, and offering to let us live in one of their houses.

His family has three houses in the city; his parents and older brother live in one (near NCKU… nice place, actually), his sister and ‘godmother’ live in another one with and empty restaurant downstairs (in Anping) and then they have another house in Anping that they’re renting at the moment. Anping is quite far from the city center. Apparently they were offering to let us have the second floor of the house his godmother and sister live in, though they’ve offered us the other one before.

He seemed quite for the idea. He figures we’ll save money on rent ($10k a month) and utilities will be paid for too, so that’s another $1~3K. He also thinks that we should consider it because his mother suggested it, which means that she wants to be nice to us.

Now, we registered our marriage less than a month ago and mum wasn’t happy. As far as we can tell her main problem is that we didn’t discuss it with her beforehand and decided to ‘elope’ (her words). Either way, she hasn’t said a word to me since, and her husband has been coaching me to offer her compliments and call her ‘mum’ to make her like me. I’m doing the latter but not the former (for a start, how the hell am I supposed to compliment you if you’re not even acknowledging my presence?). I had a decent relationship with her before we got married (she’s not a particularly friendly person, but I would chat with her, ask her questions, greet her with a smile - she wouldn’t respond much, but she smiled sometimes), and the total block has only happened since we got married. So the SO says that her offering the house of her own volition is a change of heart and bodes well.

I told him I have three conditions:

  1. I won’t live in the house with the sister/godmother.
  2. It has to be clean enough.
  3. If they start interfering, coming over all the time or generally being pains in the asses, we move out.

But I really don’t think it’s a good idea.

I have no issues with his mum, but I seem to be being blamed by his family for not ‘trying to strike up a good relationship with her’. I used to be quite upset about this and try to think of ways to fix it that wouldn’t make me feel like I was sucking up, but now my theory is that I haven’t done anything for us to have a bad relationship, so I have no obligation to go and try to ‘fix’ our relationship. I’m polite, I’m friendly, I help where I can and more importantly, I take good care of her son. If she has issues with me it’s entirely her issue; I’m not going to go out of my way to make her like me.

Some background info on her:

My SO seems to be the child she dislikes (he’s also the middle child and most like his father… connected?). His mother is also one of the people who enjoys complaining. When he was working insurance she would ask him how much he made a month (average minimum: $40K) and then deride him for working for such little money, and tell him he was a bad son for not going to his father’s company to help out.

When he went to his father’s company (‘allowance’: roughly 20K) he went out too often and when was he going to move out of her house anyway?

She went away for a few months and his dad offered him the empty restaurant to build up and make his own (he was a cocktail maker in Taipei before), so he stopped working for his dad (his sister had come back to work there at this time) and started working on designing this restaurant/bar. His mum came back and it was all tears, screaming, and ‘how can you take my shop away from me??? I was going to open it again!’ (she ran the restaurant into the ground twice by being rude to local customers - this is also why they moved out of that area).

So dad says the restaurant needs to go back to mum, who says the my husband should help her. Then she goes to a fortune teller and decides not to open until after New Year because it’s ‘bad luck to open earlier’. (This happened in SEPTEMBER last year. Also, both her husband and mine can tell fortunes, but she went to her friend.)

So SO says ‘OK, I’ll get another job’. Mum: ‘But then who’s going to help me? You can’t get a job, you have to be filial and stop being so selfish!!!’

This leads to my SO being unemployed for roughly two months. During which time his mum is saying ‘Look at you, you’re an unemployed good-for-nothing, when are you going to work!?’ every time he comes home. And whenever he went to an interview, he was being ‘selfish’…

There’s more, but with this much, you have the gist. She also used to call and ask him for money all the time, to the point where he very rarely picks up the phone if she calls him. He stopped giving her money once we started putting our money together a few months after he moved out with me.

Right now he’s finally got a decent job that has nothing to do with the family. We’re living on our own and doing fine, even though money can be tight sometimes. I’d like to save the money, but I’m feeling that this woman is going to feel like we owe her something if we live in a house they own, whether it was her idea or not.

SO says I’m being stupid, so I thought I should pose the question here. I know lots of people have Taiwanese spouses and the subsequent in-laws. Am I being as rational as I think I am in feeling that moving into their house is a very, very bad idea?

2

Keep the inlaws at arms length. Stay your ground.

3

When I saw that you were online I knew you’d give me a quick reply. Love you lots!

4

Agree with Tommy. Your MIL sounds like a complete nightmare, best for both you and your husband to stay out of her circle of control and establish your own lives. You didn’t say much about your FIL, sounds like he is the easy going but weak one ?

5

Bad idea.
2nd floor of a 3-4 floor typical house?
People will be walking through your home.

Sounds like a bad enough situation already.

Hard to understand it all, but perhaps taking the “restaurant/house” and going forward with those plans might be interesting.

p.s. - if you think about accepting this offer - read your original post again.

6

[quote]I told him I have three conditions:

  1. I won’t live in the house with the sister/godmother.
  2. It has to be clean enough.
  3. If they start interfering, coming over all the time or generally being pains in the asses, we move out.

But I really don’t think it’s a good idea. [/quote]

Go with this. It’s a power play and you give up a lot by accepting their generosity here. All for 12k a month? And you married a son and the MIL wants you to move in? Do you hear “Housework” echoing on your brain? :laughing:

Don’t do it unless you absolutely have an exit strategy.

My wife and lived with her family in a similar kind of house when we moved back to Taipei after our son was born. 8 months. No privacy. They were great, not at all like your MIL, but after 8 months and saving up some dough, we wanted out.

You already seem to be on the wrong foot with the MIL. Kicking the other one out from under you will be easy.

Be smart. :thumbsup:

7

Words of advice…
Don’t move in with the in-laws/relatives. They have you in their pocket no matter what arrangement it is. This will come back to haunt you in the future, guaranteed. You are only saving 13K a month, but will probably suffer ten times that amount. It’s all nice in the beginning, but then the control factor sets in. Keep on living where you are paying rent. It’s worth it.

8

Don’t do it! Seriously. 10K a month isn’t bad for rent…and you NEVER live for ‘free’ with inlaws. Why would you want such a beastie to like you anyways? I can understand she’s mad about not knowing about the wedding, but they aren’t helping…this is just another thing to throw in your face at some point.

9

Thank you all for the encouragement!!!

I’m most definitely turning down the offer now. All of my jobs are in a five minutes radius of where I’m living now, so I can say it’s just too far.

And you’re all right - 13K a month is much too low a price. It’s never, ever, EVER happening!

[quote=“TainanCowboy”]
p.s. - if you think about accepting this offer - read your original post again.[/quote]

TC, this might be some of the best advice in the thread. :sunglasses: I definitely will!

Hit the nail on the head there. He’s lovely, but I think he doesn’t understand why his family isn’t as close and loving as he wants it to be.

I don’t! It’s all her emotions and therefore her problem. I did care before in the ‘It’s my husband’s mother, she has to like me!’ and then I realised that I neither like nor go out of my way for my own mother, so I’m sure as hell not doing it for his.

Her family wants her to like me though, which is really sweet and I love them.

10

You’re the daughter in law aksed to move in with your in laws? Bad idea … before you now your cooking and cleaning and doin’ laundry for the whole lot … seriously …

11

[quote=“tsukinodeynatsu”]Right now he’s finally got a decent job that has nothing to do with the family. We’re living on our own and doing fine, even though money can be tight sometimes. I’d like to save the money, but I’m feeling that this woman is going to feel like we owe her something if we live in a house they own, whether it was her idea or not.

SO says I’m being stupid, so I thought I should pose the question here. I know lots of people have Taiwanese spouses and the subsequent in-laws. Am I being as rational as I think I am in feeling that moving into their house is a very, very bad idea?[/quote]

Oh, Lord, Girlfriend. Here we go!

If you move into anything owned by/paid for by that woman or her family, she will own you.

She will own you because she will own your husband. The fact that you are living expense free becase of her will be leverage agains anything she doesn’t agree with.

Once your own business gets off the ground, you’ll owe it all to her. Trust me. She will suddenly love you when you start making money! No more cold shoulder. Magical!

I wish I could be more poitive, and I admit that my reply is based on my own crappy experiences with my out-laws. But I feel strongly that anything that might go wrong with your husband’s job/health/happiness–whatever–will be laid at your feet. Anything that goes right will be ripped from your grasp.

I hate it, HATE it, but I have to agree with Tommy. Hold your ground. Consider moving to the other end of the island!

Good luck!

12

Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.

13

[quote=“Mucha Man”]Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.[/quote]

MM, that’s not even close to moving in with your in-laws … and you’re a son-in-law … not even comparable

14

As someone who lived with his MiL and lives really close to her now. All I can say is don’t do it unless she’s the sweetest kindest person in the world, because anything else is pure misery. The person you married stops being that person.

The family doesn’t want you two to get along for anything less than to stop her bitching. She seems to be a walking disaster. I’m sure there are stories your husband isn’t telling you or you aren’t telling us about her. :wink:

I find that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It won’t keep all the jabs off of you, but it’s really hard to complain much about a person who is never around. :whistle:

15

[quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”]Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.[/quote]

MM, that’s not even close to moving in with your in-laws … and you’re a son-in-law … not even comparable[/quote]

She’s not moving into the in-laws either. Just the house. And believe me a son-in-law can get a lot of pressure here. How many foreigners have we heard over the years getting shafted by the in-laws for money on the basis that it’s the Taiwanese way?

16

A close friend of ours, she is one of my wife’s best friends (living in our building) lives far away from her in-laws (living in Suao) … but until recently had her MIL coming over for weekly stays … she told me it was hell when she was here, she couldn’t do anything to satisfy her MIL … and as they went to Suao on CNY, the only one cooking and doing the work was our friend with the rest of the family laying back and play Mahjong.

17

[quote=“Mucha Man”][quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”]Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.[/quote]

MM, that’s not even close to moving in with your in-laws … and you’re a son-in-law … not even comparable[/quote]

She’s not moving into the in-laws either. Just the house. And believe me a son-in-law can get a lot of pressure here. How many foreigners have we heard over the years getting shafted by the in-laws for money on the basis that it’s the Taiwanese way?[/quote]

Moving in with ‘godmother’ and sister is close enough …

18

[quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”][quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”]Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.[/quote]

MM, that’s not even close to moving in with your in-laws … and you’re a son-in-law … not even comparable[/quote]

She’s not moving into the in-laws either. Just the house. And believe me a son-in-law can get a lot of pressure here. How many foreigners have we heard over the years getting shafted by the in-laws for money on the basis that it’s the Taiwanese way?[/quote]

Moving in with ‘godmother’ and sister is close enough …[/quote]

Did I miss that? I thought they were just moving into a house by themselves?

19

[quote=“Mucha Man”][quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”][quote=“Belgian Pie”][quote=“Muzha Man”]Well, every case is different. Years ago my wife and I moved into the MIL’s apartment (she owned it, but did not live there) and there was never a single instance of her holding the fact over our heads. She never came by without asking first, never demanded anything, never caused me a moment’s regret.

But she’s a sweetheart and your MIL doesn’t appear to be. So nothing wrong with the plan per se, just the details aren’t right.[/quote]

MM, that’s not even close to moving in with your in-laws … and you’re a son-in-law … not even comparable[/quote]

She’s not moving into the in-laws either. Just the house. And believe me a son-in-law can get a lot of pressure here. How many foreigners have we heard over the years getting shafted by the in-laws for money on the basis that it’s the Taiwanese way?[/quote]

Moving in with ‘godmother’ and sister is close enough …[/quote]

Did I miss that? I thought they were just moving into a house by themselves?[/quote]

Apparently they were offering to let us have the second floor of the house his godmother and sister live in, though they’ve offered us the other one before.

20

[quote=“Mucha Man”]

Did I miss that? I thought they were just moving into a house by themselves?[/quote]

No. Second floor of a three floor house. So other people would be walking through their home for one thing or a nother, and they’d have no real privacy.

My closest friend in the world thought she had it all worked out when she moved in with her then boyfriend–now husband’s house. His family owned it, but it was his–deeded to him upon the elder’s death.

Little did she know that every single family member, and many friends of friends, had keys to her house! And her MIL had some very specific ideas about how the house should be run! Before my friend moved in, the MIL or an aunty came and cleaned and cooked regularly. Not only was my friend expected to take over these duties, but to do them as she was directed to do them!

Basically, they looked at her as a maid, and a poor one in their estimation.

My friend and her husband have been seperated for years now.