the basics are:
an out of town acquaintance of my girlfriend has been harrassing her with increasingly violent and threatening messages, via phone, internet, blogs… any medium he can find. he also harrasses a couple of her friends to a much lesser degree in his efforts to find her.
it seems this matter began months ago. this asshole liked my girlfriend but she didn’t feel the same regard. being hurt and disappointed is a normal reaction for anyone, but this is way beyond normal and acceptable. it has entered sick and scary territory.
apparently he has a history of being mentally unstable and a side effect of his condition, whatever it is is unknown to me, is some kind of physical reaction, like uncontrolled shaking, which makes strangers feel uncomfortable. he has a great resentment towards society as a result, and most likely towards women. he treated a previous love interest in a similar manner, though a few notches less vile than at present.
my gf has chosen to ignore his persistant calls, which have led to her blocking his number (in which case he will call her friends, who in turn block his calls). she has been hoping he will just stop.
alas, their common circle of acquaintances hear all of his BS and slander against her; she and her few friends who know of the issue have kept silent publicly, but they’ve told him to quit his behavior and leave her alone.
it gets worse.
my gf runs her own business and aside from customers, works alone. on one occassion a few months ago he went there to confront her and by good fortune a family member was also present. he also recorded the incident .the cops were called, but arrived after he had left. no one got hurt physically. the neighboring businesses were aware of the conflict.
he now tries to post on her blogs all sorts of threats and she has just learned he has his own blog, in which he reveals personal information about her and threatens to kill, rape, attack, cut up, etc. i just learned about this disgusting new shit today.
at this point the question is screaming “why aren’t the police actively a part of solving this? why isn’t he in jail or hospital by now?” - this is what i scream inside my head all the time.
unfortunately, her past personal experiences with police have left her distrustful of their usefulness. she’s told me about those times, and i can see why she feels the way she does.
other info is: i am foreigner here, and the others involved are all taiwanese. i’ve never met this man and i don’t think he even knows i exist in her life. thus, i am not a player in this drama.
those are the basics.
i’m writing - with her blessing - because i need to know how i can best support and help her, as well as how she can help herself.
ever since i learned of this shit, i have been encouraging her to work with the police, so they at least have it on record and know there is a problem afoot. i have encouraged her to also let more of her her trusted friends know her situation. i think staying so silent on it is not good.
she doesn’t want to take the low road to post replies to his crap or turn it into a public battle, but she feels extremely angry and humiliated. i agree that he is trying to provoke a reaction. in ignoring him, it seems he goes to further and further extremes. she initially tried to hear him out, as a friend, but stopped as soon as he became unreasonable and crazed.
her family has started keeping evidence of the horrible things he puts online and have contacted his blog host to ban him from their services.
i’ve also urged her to talk with lawyers and organizations that focus on violence against women, for their counsel on ways to protect herself / to know her legal options, etc.
she understands but balks at much of this, in part cuz she is scared and but also because she holds out hope he will somehow stop on his own. i can’t convince her he probably won’t give up on his own. at the same time, i don’t want to frighten her worse with all the possible ugly things that could happen
we are both angry (i am furious) that none this person’s friends seemed to have intervened to to tell him he’s way out of line. same for his family, who are aware of his problems and the crap that has been developing.
i suggested today that she send a copy of his blog threats to his family in hopes they can be persuasive.
but at the end of the day, i am jumping out of my skin to get some police and /or real action and protection. maybe a visit to his residence at the least to deliver the point that he can’t do this , that he can’t make others fear for their safety and sense of well being. she shouldn’t have to feel like hiding. no-one should have to hear these things or feel this way…
i mean, isn’t publicly advocating murder, rape, and assault against an individual against the law in a most serious way?
am i wrong to advocate the police to her?
i don’t want to make any mistake of suggesting she would be to blame if she is attacked, because she isn’t, but how can i help her establish more concrete measures to stop this asshole and stay safe?
she keeps on with her normal routines, but hoping isn’t going to do a damn thing.
i more and more spend my free time at her workplace, partly to satisfy my own anxieties but definitely to offer a real physical deterrent in a worst case scenario.
what can i do? how can i help?
to this point, i just listen, encourage, and offer my advice.
i don’t want it to someday be too late. maybe this loser is merely a blowhard, but i for one take it seriously. she’s my girlfriend and i love her. and he crossed a very clear line in a very clear way… i am worried for her and i’m becoming worried i might not handle the stress so well myself. i mean, christ, i can’t sleep now for all the nightmarish images that intrude. so if i’ve typed this poorly or it lacks good structure, forgive on that.
) such as the US, many people live in fear of angry or crazy people who are repeatedly making serious and terrifying threats against them. What do you want to happen – lock the guy in jail or a mental hospital indefinitely? Have medication forcibly crammed down his throat? (It does sound like he may not be just an asshole, as people have stated, but may be mentally ill.) To do so would mean taking away all of the guys basic civil rights and imprisoning him based on mere statements that may or may not constitute a serious and credible threat of imminent harm. He may just be an obnoxious asshole being a jerk – is that grounds to imprison someone? Even in the US it rarely would be. Most likely he can only be “taken off the street” if he actually physically attacks her (which would obviously seem like way too little way too late), and even then he would only be locked up for a very limited time.
and his getting banned here may have helped. At the time I also armed her with pepper spray and began training her in basic self defense moves too. I also armed myself. You may want to do the latter two also. BTW, teach her how to use the spray properly. That means not threatening to use it, but actually USING it (it won’t kill him after all). If he shows up, she needs to SPRAY him, not threaten to spray him. (Too many times, victims are afraid to use the weapon at hand and end up having it taken away.) Run her through it like a drill, and when you point and yell ‘there he is!’, have her actually SPRAY (and yell).