My SO is a jerk...can't see the future

my relationship with my SO is getting more and more serious recently. after we talked, i started to wonder if there is a future with him.

he always says that we Taiwanese work way too hard to pursue better things such as houses, cars, watches…he also thinks that people marry for money here. I read another D&R thread which is about one’s Taiwanese SO talking about fanancial security all the time…what’s wrong with it? the gavernment here doesn’t take care of poor people. the local news reports some people who are in need of help. there are a lot of them actually…

don’t get me wrong…I am not that kind of girl who goes shopping every weekend or live with family until 30. actually I moved out when I was very young(16). I meant I won’t marry or see someone for money. actually I have a very good income. if I don’t spend much money, it’s because I don’t think I need to. but when he told me that he likes to be poor(more than once), that really made me worry. I can’t even picture myself in the life he describes.

sometimes I think he does things because he wants to prove something to me. he always says that it’s the way he is. asked me to accept who he is…(my parents in the future) I feel annoyed when we talk about that. how can a foreigner wishes to have a chinese SO without educating himself(herself) I wonder if he will ever adapt the standard of the society. yesterday I thought and thought. I even thought maybe we shouldn’t have started :help:

[quote]I can’t even picture myself in the life he describes.

I suggest not marrying him anytime soon.

The biggy! Why won’t he bend towards what I want? Lady, what are you really asking here? Why break-up over a simple difference of opinion? Is he really determined to be poor, or is he testing you to see if you intend to turn him into a money-whore? He seems to have a negative mindset about the Tawianese obsession with money. You don’t like him having that mindset. Talk to him about it. Don’t try to change him too much. Just gently show him why you think what you think is important. Don’t get too doom and gloomy about ‘he won’t accept my cultural views.’ There is no way we can expect our partners to ‘fully adopt’ our culture. And fussing about money is part of the Taiwanese culture. In cross cultural relationships we must learn to accept how weird our lover is and to keep our mouths shut. :slight_smile: It’s ‘give and take’, more than it is ‘learn to change.’

Talking is the best thing. And Taiwanese women don’t seem too good at expressing their thoughts. They are great are regurgitating what thier mum told them though! I think that most big-nosed men here who really know their women would agree that Taiwanese women like to listen, form an impression, say nothing in reply, and then use your words against you at a later date. “But, on July 16th, at 9:43 pm, YOU said that…” No acceptance there. Just looking for schisms.

Talk to him. Openly. Accept that he is weird to you, and you are weird to him. After all, if you want comfortable and rich I’m sure your mum is itching to set you up with her friends son. Millions of singles right here in Taiwan! And if he really wants poor and trashy, well, there is the whole of America to choose from!

And if his ‘weird’ far outweighs your ‘weird’ then you should think about the break-up. But what do I know, I am MrsHill’s man bitch and we all know it. She wears the trousers, scary cow! :smiley:

Tell him he can be poor on his own.

The applicable American phrase here is…“Kick him to the curb.”

You appear to be waking up to who this person really is…at this point in their life.
It does not sound like this is what you are hoping for…at this point in your life.

You can do better, whether with a ‘foreigner’ or a Taiwanese man.
Best of luck to you.

I agree with Tom he is probably testing you…but you will know better than us.

Does he have a good job? What did he do before he came here? Does he ever talk about career ambitions? What do you both consider poor? I guess that someone who came to Taiwan to work, or just travel is not your typical trailer park loser.

My gf is crazy good at saving and investing and I am a few years behind but it doesn’t matter as we keep our money separate. She gives me investment advice from time to time and I take pleasure in telling her when I have made a few $$S but I will never have the same attitude to money as her.

I think that if you can’t bend for him, you should find someone who thinks the same you do.
You seem to think he should change for you… why not the opposite?
Some people don’t care at all about money.
I am one of those. I would love to be a rich artist, that would be cool. But I would be quite happy being a poor artist for the rest of my life. I just don’t care.
Your man is probably the same way.
You say “better things” like cars, houses, watches, ect. That is the way YOU see it.
I think that shit is just junk. Who needs a nice car. Who cares about your watch? And if it has a roof over my head and is quiet so I can sleep and safe so no one kills me, my house is just fine.
This is probably how he thinks. If it is, you will never be able to change him.
Not everyone in this world is materialistic. Many people look at it and just don’t get it.
If you are materialistic, you need to find a man who is.

Everyone’s attitude towards $$ and career/work are different. I spend about 60-70 hours a week on my job and make good $$ from it as well. I love my job and truly don’t see it just as ‘WORK’. My SO runs a company and spends more time on it than me. So, our views/values on work and $$ are quite similar.

It’s very important that if both parties want to have a long-term, lasting, successful relationship that your key values are aligned. Money (attitudes towards it, too much or lack of it) breaks relationships.

Such A Fob is right.

And your SO certainly is not a “dickhead” (as you so eloquently called him in the title of this thread) just because he doesn’t agree with your views!

Hm can’t help wondering whether you are the girl from the duck farm?

She isn’t.
In December she was juggling lovers. Which makes it a touch strange that she is already looking forward to the future with this one.
Duckboy has been with his girl for a while. This girl has been with her man (or at least “only with him”) for just a few months.

Do you guys plan to have kids? Living the “DINK” (double income no kids) lifestyle is one thing, and I can see the appeal of having minimal attachments and obligations–which is what I think he really means when he says he likes being “poor”.

But if you bring children into the equation, I feel that makes things totally different. If a man intends to be a father one day, even while boasting that he likes to be “poor”–even if it’s only to prove a point–I don’t know how a guy like that can look himself in the face in the morning.

[later edit] Of course, all that’s assuming that you two both look forward to a serious relationship. Maybe he would be a responsible husband and/or father–but just not with you.

Maybe this is his way of telling you he’d like to be less serious about this relationship, that you and he have very different expectations.

Some people care about money and material things less than others do. Some are perfectly happy living simple, unpretentious lives unburdened by too many possessions, with plenty of free time to pursue their passions; others demand LV bags, Rolex watches, BMWs, Armani suits and fancy living quarters, and are content to work 9-to-5 until retirement with 2 weeks off per year to pay for it. Some are ambitions, constantly looking to advance their careers to higher positions; others are passionate about what they do and would not change a thing even though they may not earn much. Some make detailed plans for the future; others say “que sera sera”.

I don’t know this guy; I don’t know the OP. So I’m not going to make judgements about who’s right or wrong, who’s an asshole and who’s not. But people have different priorities about things like money.

To the OP: You have two choices: Either accept him for who he is, or get out of the relationship. Trying to change him is not an option.

I remember that - the infamous “girlfriend still meets her ex” thread. Sugar Cane, you were going to tell your bf that you still regularly see your ex. What happened with that? I imagine it must have gone very well if the two of you are “getting more serious.”

Then why even bother wondering if you two have a future?

He likes to be poor but you don’t? Simple. Just tell him to give you all his money. Presto. He’s poor, and you can have a different watch for every day of the week.

sorry that i called him a dickhead earlier. i was just so annoyed by the talk last night and didn’t sleep well… :blush:

after reading all the suggestions, I think I did the right thing. told my SO about it and stopped meeting my ex from the point on.

No! No! No! that’s not right! I think both of us should do some change. Why would he tell me to accept who he is? doesn’t it sound selfish to you?

I think I have to make it clearer. I don’t think he said that to tell me he wants to be less serious. he is the one who wants to be more serious and asks if he is included in my future.

I think I am not a materialist(?)… but I enjoy doing stuff I like such as traveling, going to the gym, learning some new things…all of these activities cost money.he wants to travel too…I am happy to live simple but a place with a roof over my head isn’t the kind of place I would stay. I myself don’t work very much.less than 30 hours a week, 10 months a year…I care if I have time to do things I like more than how many LV bags I have. I don’t care if he can makes a fortune but if he wants to be included in my future, at least he is willing to find a balance point with me.

I am happy if I don’t have any kids in the future but I know he probably want one as he told me that he wants to play baseball with his son. my question is how can he say that he wants to have a future with me and not wanting to have any kind of change.

[quote=“sugar cane”]

he always says that we Taiwanese work way too hard to pursue better things such as houses, cars, watches…he also thinks that people marry for money here.[/quote]

People do that everywhere, not just Taiwan.

Dump that zero and get yourself a hero.

No! No! No! that’s not right! I think both of us should do some change. Why would he tell me to accept who he is? doesn’t it sound selfish to you?[/quote]
Not at all. Accepting people for who they are is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Ah, glad to hear that all worked out for you! At least trust is no longer an issue (or not the issue it was anyway).

Education, health, traveling

No! No! No! that’s not right! I think both of us should do some change. Why would he tell me to accept who he is? doesn’t it sound selfish to you?[/quote]
Not at all. Accepting people for who they are is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.[/quote]

Right. So HE should also accept HER for who she is, and that personality evidently includes fiscal responsibility.

You cannot change 'em after you’re married; it only gets worse if there are problems to begin with. Cross-cultural marriages are often more challenging than a marriage to someone who shares your cultural background. If, as you say, your SO doesn’t seem interested in even learning about how Taiwanese people think – as opposed to simply condemning them for not thinking the way he does – then I would advise you to not settle for second (or third, or fourth best) with this guy; wait and find someone who will appreciate you for what you are. Obviously you have traits you yourself don’t like, and you’re probably working to change those; but an SO should accept the things that you feel are the basic building blocks of your personality. “Both of us should change” (an idea I agree with) really is talking about the little things, not the big ones.

When you’re in a relationship that doesn’t fit, sometimes you try SO hard to make it work (especially women) that you can’t imagine just breaking it off (difficult anyway) and going it alone until you meet someone who’s right for you. It can seem as though you never will meet someone like that – and many times your SO is happy to tell you, over and over, that you never will. But you will. Do NOT settle for “good enough” for your whole life. Trust me on this one. It is much easier to break it off now than to go through a marriage and have to sort everything out after that.