In an article over the weekend in the South Pacific Weekly Herald, the Republic of Nauru, announced that together with a consortium of Chinese and Dutch engineering companies, it would take a radical step to save itself from the perils of global warming by undertaking a mammoth project to separate itself from the coral that constitutes most of its landmass.
Prime Minister Huavolutu Timonhansu announced last Friday (March 25th) that a joint venture company led by Dutch experts and financed by the PRC would undertake, over the next ten years, to literally slice off the above water section of the country and ultimately allow it to float. In order not to provide a hazard to shipping the republic will be linked through a series of high tension adjustable hydraulic cables to the sea bed allowing the country to rise as the sea level rises. while still retaining its position on world maps and nautical charts. “Ultimately”, said Timonhansu, " global warming will slow down and the coral will then grow back upwards to the base of our beautiful republic and we will once more be a solid part of this earth". In the meantime however, Nauru will be suspended on a platform firmly anchored to the sea bed but allowing for a rise in global sea levels of some five metres through the adjusting of the cables.
A spokesperson for Dutch engineering company, Benjegek Konstructie B.V. said that they were indeed “honoured to be chosen for the project which is a first in engineering history and we are sure that our expertise in floating the impossible will show in the successful completion of this huge project. We want to save Nauru from disappearing.”
When asked if the population would need to be relocated during the construction of the island platform, prime minister Timonhansu categorically stated that “our people will remain for without our people we are just a tourist attraction but smaller and more circular than that reef near Australia” He then added that “some changes in lifestyle would be necessary, such as a limit placed on public dancing during the critical slicing of the coral period so that the cut can be nice and even”
A PRC government spokesperson in Beijing, preferring not to be named stated, ironically that “Normally, the PRC goverment opposes island splittists but in this case we see both an historical and political reason to keep the Nauru peoples’ heads above water in order to prevent Taiwan from sinking its foreign policy”.
“I just want to stay dry and eat coconuts” concluded Prime Minister Huavolutu Timonhansu with a simultaneous air of resignation and guarded optimism.
Pretty amazing stuff.