New Year with wife's relatives

Taiwan Living in Taiwan
21

Ok, here is a condensed version.

  • Had to spend 3 whole days at the in-laws, as I’m married to the only son. The highlight of his Chinese New Year is to spend time with his parents. As I was totally jet-lagged, I got to sleep a lot, that was cool.
  • Boring suburb where it rains 364 days a year: all doors/windows open, 10 degrees, humidity level of around 90%, non-stop rain. Cat hair on every possible surface you might sit on, wooden sofa that just hurts the butt after 10 minutes.
  • A first this year: in-laws had bought space heaters and were using them, nice touch. It brought the temperature of the bedroom from 13 degrees to 15…
  • Mom-in-law cooks “The special food” consisting of frozen seafood, same stuff, cooked with different vegetables for the whole 3 days. No drinks offered, nothing to drink ever in that house. I fill my cup with water from the water machine. I’m so tired of these dry social gatherings!!!
  • Must be a real member of the family now: in-laws are not farting and burping without any hold in front of me. Do I need to say anything about table manners???
  • Nobody ever helps m-i-l, even when I try to help (and I can cook), I’m always told it’s ok. Same for the dishes: I never managed to be able to wash dishes there ever!!!
  • Most conversations are heldin taiwanese, although I can speak mandarin.
  • Activities on the menu: on this afore mentioned soundtrack, watching TV, and DVDs, since it’s raining all the time, nothing much we can do outside. Conversations were nothing special. At least, most were held in Taiwanese, which I will never learn. The parts involving me were held in Mandarin, and I kept them pretty short.

Of course, when hubby is back in my family in Canada every year, he is treated to great meals, fine wines, and although we speak French at home, we all speak English in his presence. For us it would be totally rude to speak French in front of him for hours on end… Of course, the house is clean, comfortable, heated if needed, etc!

The worse part: I think he doesn’t even see the difference. He doesn’t understand why I can’t adapt to his culture more… Why spending time at his parents place isn’t acceptable as a weekend activity for me. Geeezzzz, thanks for the sympathy!

As a good son, my hubby needs to see his parents at least every other weekend. We worked it out to reduce the social duty down to eating in a restaurant. Actually, to be a real good son, we would have to spend our weekends at his parents place, almost every weekend. That’s what almost all his friends are doing. Over my dead body!!!

Ah, the joys of marrying into a traditional culture and keep living in the other’s territory!

22

Seems its worse when a foreign lady marries into a TAiwanese family then when a foreign guy marries a Taiwanese girl? Or is it?

Because in Taiwanese society a woman is married OUT of the family. Or thats what its supposed to be.

23

I think it’s just that your mileage may vary. I am lucky that my wife’s folks are pretty nice. I always find it boring on the holiday, but take advantage of the opportunity to get a lot of reading in. This year I was unable to construct my fortress of solitude, so I didn’t get much reading in. I did spend one whole day with just me and the two kids at Jianfuson Fancy World. We mostly stayed in Kiddy Land.

24

[quote=“Liz_Taipei”]Ok, here is a condensed version.
…
Ah, the joys of marrying into a traditional culture and keep living in the other’s territory![/quote]
Liz, I know it’s not a laughing matter to you, but from an observer’s point of view, this was one very entertaining read!
You should really consider writing more of this stuff. If not for publishing purposes then perhaps at least to relieve some of the frustrations. :slight_smile:

25

I dunno. I get a sense of real mean-spiritedness about some of these posts. Funny, sure, but at someone elses expense – someone who is very likely trying hard to do things right and who is maybe, GASP, less cultured than you.
If its really something you hate THAT much, and if you really hate these people as much as you seem to imply, then I’d suggest that you simply grow a fucking pair and stop going.

26

Reading your sorry stories I think I’m the luckiest darn foreigner around … since my introduction to my in-laws more than 10 years ago I’m pretty much included in the family even though I don’t really speak the languages, when there is a family gathering they always say that they are sorry (the older folks don’t speak English) and apologize for speaking Chinese and Taiwanese (I don’t mind actually, I just nod and smile) … but they are always polite and in the past as the family was still complete (mil,fil, second brother all passed away) and the oldest brother is in a facility as he has serious diabetes and needs top be cared for … third brother is shunned by the family … anyways, I always get taken care off and am offered all I need or they think I wish to drink, eat etc … they even buy red wine and beer for me …
This year we went to the oldest sister’s home, the same as last year, but this year there were even less people … just sil, bil, the oldest son, my wife and I … we just had dinner (I got the best of the seafood BTW) and after dinner I had some JW (green label) and some other drinks that I couldn’t accept for reason that it was simply too much in the short time we were there … after dinner I got a huge hongbao :slight_smile: … my wife asked me how much it contained and I told her that it wasn’t her damn business :wink: … around nine o’clock we were off with the remaing almost full bottle of JW, a bottle of Gaoliang, huge apples, nashis and other fruits … oh, Japanese vacuum packed duck tongues too …

I went home and my wife spent two days playing Mahjong at friends’ place … I simply don’t like gambling the way they do in Taiwan, I’ve lost too much Hongbao money over the years …

after all, not too bad is it? … the only thing I hated over the years is the weather and losing money :wink:

I suppose there are better ways of spending CNY, like being on a tropical island for the change …

27

I’ve had a big pair of brass ones for years.

This year I didn’t go. I didn’t miss it. The wife had a good time. Thats all I care about.

28

Haha on the last one… WHEN i was married I loved CNY with my wife’s family! Great food for a couple of days, they taught me the reasons behind everyone of their at first, odd traditions. Shit they even let me light all the firecrackers that so many of you complain about!

Even though they knew by the third year that I could understand Mandarin, they still spoke mostly Taiwanese mixed with Japanese and Mandarin, but I didn’t take offense to it, that is their language plus they still talked to me all the time, I just couldn’t understand and someone would explain to me somehow if the bird wasn’t around… I guess I got lucky in how the family took me in as their own the first day they met me, even when we were just bf/gf.

However, the bird and I didn’t get along too much so now I dearly miss that wonderful family and those great CNYs that I had at one time.

Yeah, I did get bored a bit but I get bored any time I must sit idle some where for longer than a couple of hours.

29

[quote=“sandman”]I dunno. I get a sense of real mean-spiritedness about some of these posts. Funny, sure, but at someone elses expense – someone who is very likely trying hard to do things right and who is maybe, GASP, less cultured than you.
If its really something you hate THAT much, and if you really hate these people as much as you seem to imply, then I’d suggest that you simply grow a fucking pair and stop going.[/quote]
Yeah, I hear you. I don’t really hate my inlaws, but I find it difficult to spend time with them. They don’t try very hard to do things right, or perhaps it would be easier. And spending time with them isn’t because I lack the balls, it’s because we’re family. I suppose I could let V go alone with Trudi, but what happens when Trudi decides she doesn’t want to go? Some things you just put up with, and use Forumosa as a safe vent. Actually, I get along with the inlaws pretty well most of the time. They know I’m a good husband to their daughter and a good father as well, and I know that they have good intentions. The road to my personal hell is paved with them! :stuck_out_tongue:

30

I lucked out with my inlaws. They are pretty laid back. Over Chinese New Years, we went over to their place for maybe 3-4 hours each day. My wife knits with her mom, while I drink tea with her dad (who is quite the tea connoisseur and hiking enthusiast and who looks 20 years younger than his 60-something age) and watch HBO. He is also one of the quietest people I’ve met in Taiwan, which I think is a good trait (my wife inhereted his personality). My only complaint during CNY is the amount of food they keep giving me. I feel obliged to eat all of it.

31

… chewing corn? :slight_smile:

32

Forget the big fat Hongbau, Belgin, you got to take home Japanese Vaccume Packed Duck Toungs!!! Man, some guys have all the luck.

33

I’m serious … I got a fat red envelope … they are compassionate people, I’m not working at the moment and they want to help me out buying some new photo gear …

34

OP here. My God, my little observation has exploded nicely into a pretty vigorous thread…

Anyway, I vented a bit at the beginning of the thread, but I did fail to mention the fact that my wife’s family have now known me for over ten years. (8 years of dating, 4 years of marriage.) OK, so they are kind of used to having me around now, but some enjoyable chatter still would have been better.

They were a Mandarin-speaking family for years, but since my wife’s father (who was from the Mainland) passed away some years ago, things have kind of slipped back into Taiwanese.

Really though, what upsets me much more than the language issue is THE F*CKING TV! For God’s sake, turn it off during dinner…if only for once a year–the big New Year dinner! To be honest, if I’d seen them sitting around the table enjoying a pleasant conversation in ANY language I would have been happy. As it was, it was little bits of conversation and a BARKING tv! To be honest, I think they don’t really want to talk too much–they might have to deal with things I know they don’t want to deal with. (I guess I won’t go into it here :s ) Anyway, I guess I benefitted from a childhood when we ate and talked–every night, really–and then watched TV later. Not everyone does it that way, I know.

35

Makes me feel thankful that my in-laws default to Mandarin in their conversations. My MIL is the only one in the family who is competent in Taiwanese, but even then it’s not her native tongue. My only problem is when my FIL speaks to me, because his Zhejiang accented Mandarin is so hard to understand I need someone else to tell me what he’s saying.

36

I went back home for CNY this year, with back home being Denmark. this was due to the fact that I could not go home for xmas.

I have now tried to be part of 2 families in Taiwan, and I have always found CNY pleasant but slightly boring.

The current outlaws at least spend quality time with each other, however they don’t drink. The 2 years I had with them, the only one drinking was me.

37

[quote=“tommy525”]Seems its worse when a foreign lady marries into a Taiwanese family then when a foreign guy marries a Taiwanese girl? Or is it?

Because in Taiwanese society a woman is married OUT of the family. Or thats what its supposed to be.[/quote]

From my observations and conversations with male laowais married to locals, it does sound worse. The fact that you guys’ wife gets the pressure for the baby and knows how to handle it better is probably a big one. That’s the main complaint I have regarding my in-laws, as in Canada parents mind their own business and I don’t appreciate having repeated questions/comments on my pregnancy plans, while local husband is just turning a blind eye to my problem… Anyways, no baby coming anytime soon, so I’m still the one having the final word on that issue!!!

Tash, thanks for the comments!!! I will have to write something about my marriage one day! I’m already laughing about all this, but it sure isn’t pleasant when I’m stuck at the in-laws place for days!

Sandman, I don’t want to be mean, and I acknowledge some parts of my post were mean in a way: cat hair, no heating, etc, that’s the way they live and they are used to it. The food, that’s what they eat and that will kill them earlier than it should, but that’s the way they like it, so fine!
But come on, the burps/farts/disgusting table manners, that’s just rude, in any country and in any culture, period. The yelling in Taiwanese part, well, can’t help it and actually, I imagine what they are talking about it irrelevant anyways. The no drinks offered (let alone water) is also not exactly polite, again, no matter where you are. And the discussions about personal questions although they know it really hurts my feelings, then again, that’s also not very sensitive. Cat piss in the bed, well, I let you elaborate on that one!

Well, owning a perky 36C already, that other pair will have to wait for next lifetime!!! But meanwhile, it makes the hubby so happy to have me there for CNY. I’d appreciate him spending Xmas with me and my family if we’d live back in Canada. It’s not that I hate his parents, it’s just that we see them way too often in my opinion, and that spending the whole 3 days with them is also overkill. The reasonable option would be going there for dinner, then coming back to sleep at home, then go back the next day. But for him, it means a lot to sleep at his parent’s place. That will have to stop though, as it’s really wearing me down. It was the last CNY we were spending like this, you can be sure!!!

But it just points out to a more serious issue: we’ll never fit in each other’s world. Both of us have to do huge sacrifices regarding our families, friends, etc to be together. He’s also an odd ball in my family, although we try our best to make him feel welcome, I’m sure he also had his issues (being a local guy, I’ll never know about them for sure). When I’m with his friends, I really don’t fit in for 1000 reasons, and when he’s with mine, he also must feel weird (although everybody switches to English to include him, something his friends don’t do here, prefering Taiwanese). The thing is we are living here, so all our life is in his turf, and we go back only 2 weeks a year in Canada. I’m trying to convince him to move to a neutral country, where both of us would be foreigners.

So guys, you out there married to a Taiwanese, how do you deal with that overall odity? Does it bother you? Do you think living in a 3rd (neutral) country would help your situation, if that was an issue in the first place? If you tried living back home with the wife, how did she cope with being the foreigner this time around? [/quote]

38

My husband and I have been living in a “third” country for 12 years now (10 married). He’s not Taiwanese, but we are from different continents (I’m American and he’s British). Although our situation very different from yours, I do think that living away from both families can be liberating in many ways. Our upbringings were very different, in fact downright opposite to one another, not to mention cultural differences. Therefore, understanding and coping with each other’s family matters can be somewhat challenging and stressful.

When living away, not having to get involved in one another’s family dramas is a HUGE plus. We are pleasantly oblivious to all of it, and we both love having our autonomy in a third place.

For you both, as you say neither of you will never fit in to each other’s worlds. The two cultures are pretty bipolar after all. But living in a third country for you may pose problems too…you may have to search hard to find a place where both of you are employable, for example. That may not be easy, but I am sure it can be done. Maybe Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia? I am sure you could both find work in any of those places.

I would definitely consider moving away. Your sanity will thank you for it.

39

And it would mean even more for you not to sleep over there. Not being a little too accommodating to what your hubby wants? Well he is the only son, so was probably brought up expecting this. If you find it that intolerable then you should not go

40

While I did enjoy myself, I look at CNY as a sacrifice which must be made. (If the overseas bolt hole should fail for some reason)

1-2-3 days experiencing the real Taiwan is surely a small price to pay, if it makes the partner happy no?

Also, in the give and take scheme of things, it gives added leverage when you want to go with the boys on that extended weekend to Pattaya, doesn’t it?