Petty instance or pretty insane?

In all fairness I’ll try and paint an unbiased picture.

My gf and I live together. She has never really had a proper job, and I did find her a position working with me at my office.

I look after the finances in the whole.

For a year or so, she had been teaching part time, and I had paid for everything up until she started working with me where she offered to contribute. Its been about 6 months of this.

These last three months we barely broke even with both our salaries, and she suggested that she look after the finances, which I promptly agree to, after admittedly, taking in a little offense. I’m not good at saving money, and this I know.

So she proposes that after I pay my bond I give her both of our salaries and she will manage the money. We close this off a month ago.

Over lunch today, I remind her that shes going to take over soon, so she mustn’t forget to check the mailbox for bills, and go to 7-11 and remember to bring the paid bill back home where I have everything filed. This is such a minuscule piece. There are still other more complicated matters like taxes etc.

She then says that well, no, I’m still going to do all the running around, and she will just decide how much we can spend. Now I make more than double her salary, which she never had prior to me finding her this job.

Me : so you mean to say that you will look after finances but I still have to go and pay the bills?
Her : yes
Me : no darling, I thought we agreed on this, when you look after finances you look after ALL aspects of the finances, that’s get the bills, pay, file, manage, budget, all of it
Her : But you’ve been doing it the whole time, I have my own way of doing it, and it will just be quite messy
Me : Well I need you to do it my way
Her : Thats fine, I will give you the money and the bills to pay, and I will restrict our spending to save more money
Me : Listen, if you look after finances you look after everything

This goes on for a while. I don’t back down, because IMO I have been doing and paying for everything, and yeah I haven’t saved much, but I am on the ball. I also told her that need her to learn to be responsible and this is one of the things she will need to learn to be more independent. My bottom line. You want the finances, you’ve got it. But take all or leave all.

She doesn’t back down because she knows she can save money, but is not willing to do minor details because she knows shes absent minded, and does not see any problem with me doing this as it’s such a small task. Her bottom line. She wants to make the calls. I’m much more efficient with everything else.

I completely lost it. I… somebody please help me think this through.

Let me try to reframe this for you.

What are your priorities here?
Being in charge?
Shoving all the tasks in her face?
Having a good relationship?
Saving money?

It sounds like, from your own admission, you’re not good at saving money. If you let her control the outlay, the relationship will stay smooth and you’ll save money. How is that a bad thing? :idunno:

is it such a big deal to go to 7-11 and pay the bills? Go there and use it as an excuse to buy a beer at the same time.

You know I was once a salesperson in a tile store.

A customer after some dispute with another salesperson asked for the manager. Who also happened to be the owner. The dispute was about bulk discount. The manager backed the salesperson and the reply from the customer was: “…well, whats a $2 discount per square meter to such a large organization like this to keep a large client like me?” manager replies “if its such a small discount then why would you even ask for it” we obviously all nearly passed out when we heard this.

Its all back to principles isn’t it?

I can do all the running around. And I can do it in half her time and I would not miss a single deadline. She does not even know what the electricity bill looks like or the numbers on it, is absent minded, and irresponsible, she admits to this.

So I’m better and more efficient at everything. Well Hail me then. Am I to do this for the rest of my life because I’m more competent, or am I in line after nearly two years of playing father, to hand out her first errand at age 28?

Yes.

To be fair, ask what additional duties she’ll volunteer to do, to balance out yours.

You’re actually having a fight simply because you don’t want to go to the 7-11? What the fuck is wrong with you? Pay, don’t pay, take charge, don’t take charge. Makes no difference. If this is enough to get you to fighting with her the relationship’s days are numbered whatever you decide.
She’s absent-minded. You aren’t. She can save money. You can’t. This isn’t rocket science.

Do it all yourself. Keep her an idiot. Works out easier for you in the long run. Probably not her, though. She’ll figure that out one day. Sounds like you’re too ‘close’. You got a partner, not adopted someone.

Is the money you make being saved in an account in your name? If it isn’t, well… just saying is all.

The money goes into her account. That’s not the part I have a problem with though.

Men are hunters, women gatherers right?

Now say I go and fish for food daily. And on one day… My cave lady tells me that she will be able to catch more fish than me. And will fish for the family henceforth.

Tomorrow comes. She wakes me up and says, lets go.

I’m confused. I though YOU were going?

No she says. I’m just going to tell you how many fish you should catch.

That’s how I see it.

The money goes into her account. That’s not the part I have a problem with though.

Men are hunters, women gatherers right?

Now say I go and fish for food daily. And on one day… My cave lady tells me that she will be able to catch more fish than me. And will fish for the family henceforth.

Tomorrow comes. She wakes me up and says, lets go.

I’m confused. I though YOU were going?

No she says. I’m just going to tell you how many fish you should catch.

That’s how I see it.[/quote]
I see it more as you’re catching the fish all right, but they’re falling out of your bag or else you’re eating them on the way home, and she knows how to fix the bag for you.

The money goes into her account. [/quote]

They’ll say :no-no: if I just post an icon so I’ll suggest this was just the sort of situation for which the :ponder: icon was created.

i’m still tryin’ to figure what the tiles have to do with it…does she want a discount on some tiles too?

Bad idea to put the money in her account, bad bad idea. She has never had a job and you are putting your money into her account? Just do it all yourself. How hard can it be? Saving money and spending less is not rocket science especially here. Paying bills is also insanely easy here, no mailing, no credit card, just walk into 7-11. Wheres the problem?

Keep the money separate from the relationship, stay in control of your own money, its just common sense.

Good luck.

I agree. Why on earth would you want to give full control of your money to your GF? You will have to get permission to buy a pint in the future. The best route for you is to keep paying the bills and learn how to manage money better yourself. At the very least you should be using a joint account. Sure she is good at saving, probably because she has never had to buy or pay for anything. Not the same as being good at money management.

OP is going about this all wrong. Listen carefully OP:

YOU continue to ‘manage’ the finances as you have been doing, i.e. filing and paying bills. She is not interested in mastering these bookkeeping ‘skills’ so there is no point in pursuing it. It will only lead to frustration and a frayed relationship.

What you both agree she is good at, apparently, is ‘saving money.’ So, you remain the bookkeeper and assign her 'manager responsibilities. Today, prepare for her a budget for the month of October, including your expected incomes and outlays. Let her review the Oct. budget NOW, for new revenue opportunities or cost savings, to ensure as much as possible is left over at the end of the month. That is what she is good at, right? Also, during Oct you together review how closely you are keeping to your budget - what are the variances, i.e. the unexpected cashflows? Should similar unexpected items be likewise budgeted for Nov?

Generally speaking, that is how it’s done.

[quote=“Paniolo”]OP is going about this all wrong. Listen carefully OP:

YOU continue to ‘manage’ the finances as you have been doing, i.e. filing and paying bills. She is not interested in mastering these bookkeeping ‘skills’ so there is no point in pursuing it. It will only lead to frustration and a frayed relationship.

What you both agree she is good at, apparently, is ‘saving money.’ So, you remain the bookkeeper and assign her 'manager responsibilities. Today, prepare for her a budget for the month of October, including your expected incomes and outlays. Let her review the Oct. budget NOW, for new revenue opportunities or cost savings, to ensure as much as possible is left over at the end of the month. That is what she is good at, right? Also, during Oct you together review how closely you are keeping to your budget - what are the variances, i.e. the unexpected cashflows? Should similar unexpected items be likewise budgeted for Nov?

Generally speaking, that is how it’s done.[/quote]

Well, let it be known that if I do this, it will be the first time that I’ve ever let me money go into somebody else’s account.
So I still get to play errand boy and admin… still sounds unfair. But if forumosan personnel think this is in order. Then so be it.

If if you find a new post titled “Missing girlfriend” chances are, it will be from me.

I had thought that this came somewhat as a blessing in disguise. Free my mind of all money matters. It’s was never meant to be. steering against the grains of fate seems to be just a waste of energy.

anger is still temp madness is it not?

You still seem hung up on this idea of fairness. Life isn’t fair. You do what needs to be done to get by. Do you quibble about who’s turn it is to do the washing up or make the bed or whatever?

Sure paying all the bills is a pain in the neck but so what. Someone has to do, so it may as well be the person who is most reliable.

I need you to listen to me. Are you listening? Okay:

A) Your girl thinks you’re doing a fine job of handeling the finances and sees no reason she should take over something that you both know you’re better at. And that makes sense.

B) Your girl doesn’t think you’re doing well enough at saving money. A and B are two seperate things to her. She wants to put limits on your spending and maybe find ways to pare down expenses. And that makes sense.

These are different things. I don’t think your girl was being critical, or not critical in a negative way, but you are being very defensive and maybe taking this too persoanlly. It’s not about what’s fair but what works best.

When you put donw the maturity of your 28 year old girlfriend and whine about taking bills out of the mail box and walking into the nearest 7/11 to pay them, you sound immature.

Hope this helps. Everyone is giving you sound advice.

I’m going to sleep now.

[quote=“housecat”]I need you to listen to me. Are you listening? Okay:

A) Your girl thinks you’re doing a fine job of handeling the finances and sees no reason she should take over something that you both know you’re better at. And that makes sense.

B) Your girl doesn’t think you’re doing well enough at saving money. A and B are two separate things to her. She wants to put limits on your spending and maybe find ways to pare down expenses. And that makes sense.

These are different things. I don’t think your girl was being critical, or not critical in a negative way, but you are being very defensive and maybe taking this too persoanlly. It’s not about what’s fair but what works best.

When you put donw the maturity of your 28 year old girlfriend and whine about taking bills out of the mail box and walking into the nearest 7/11 to pay them, you sound immature.

Hope this helps. Everyone is giving you sound advice.

I’m going to sleep now.[/quote]

Yes it’s been sound all around. And I hear you all. I’m making amends. I’ve been acting like a child.
Petty instance. I thank you all. Amends in progress.

Please fight for important things.

The most important is, to write down your financial plans. How much revenue you will have? And how much you want to save? Then you will know how much you will cut from daily expenses.

I ever been an accountant, but hate to book my expences. For me, the best way for saving money is to make more money. I just built a small store, already got a good sales amount. I only focus on important clients (rich, and want to buy more), never care but still
nice with common clients. I will give good clients special discounts and more services. Tonight I sent a small Italian chair to a rich woman’s home, when I came back home, 11:00 p.m. already, of course with my children.

When I knew my husband lost a lot of money for his business in Shanghai, what I thought is to get more money back. Maybe angry, but only for a little while. To solve the problems is what I only want.