Problems with a 14 year old, eager to study overseas

Taiwan Parenting
1

My GF (local) has a fourteen YO daughter. Clever kid, a bit spoiled, sometimes a real pain in the ass, but stubborn and dedicated. If in a good mood, a sunshine.

We have an issue with here as she wants to study overseas (preferably the UK). 14 Years old remember…

Last week she was not approachable, locked herself up in her room, cried, wrote letters about “a dream which can not be fulfilled” and was even referring to suicide (which is for her just a sign to get attention being a youngster guess)

If I would be convinced that she is “adult” enough to take such a big step in her life, I would support the idea, but she is not. She is just a kid, here mother is still holding her hand and even brings her lunchbox to her school each noontime. You see what I mean?

A kid of that age only sees the bright side, the adventure, but can not see through the side effects yet. Taking responsibility, being a (sorry to say) bit FAT Chinese kid among a majority of long noses… I fear it would not work.
Problem is, how to deal with it. She does not listen to my advices anyway and her mother has no “control’ over her.
I thought it might be a good idea to send her to a pension-school first her in Taiwan as a “test”. If she can already “feel” independent there, it might go smoother overseas.
On the other hand, is 14 not simply too young to study abroad?
Need some advice here. Any one else had this issue?
Any suggestions about overseas schools are also welcome (in case we can not get the idea out of her mind untill she is 18)
Thanks

2

[quote=“ceevee369”]A kid of that age only sees the bright side, the adventure, but can not see through the side effects yet. Taking responsibility, being a (sorry to say) bit FAT Chinese kid among a majority of long noses… I fear it would not work.
Problem is, how to deal with it. She does not listen to my advices anyway and her mother has no “control’ over her.
I thought it might be a good idea to send her to a pension-school first her in Taiwan as a “test”. If she can already “feel” independent there, it might go smoother overseas.
On the other hand, is 14 not simply too young to study abroad?
Need some advice here. Any one else had this issue?
Any suggestions about overseas schools are also welcome (in case we can not get the idea out of her mind untill she is 18)
Thanks[/quote]
First of I think some data are missing from this, the situation seems much larger to me.
But with what you wrote, I’d say let her go. Kids take responsibility when they are allowed to do so. Most of the teens I see around are like your GF’s daughter, but then again, knowing their mom’s I am not surprise they are how they are.
Just let her go, she obviously wants to, so Go.go, go, go. it’s the best thig your GF can do for her daughter.

3

Hey 4 years old is the correct age to send your kids to boarding school in the UK. At 14 she may be too old!

4

This must be a joke no?
I only wonder if she could “fit in” at that age, balancing between being a kid and a youngster.
She likes learning. takes afterschool on Saturdays and even sacrifies her Sunday Pm to learn Korean.
She has not many friends, as she blames it being too heavy (not “fat”) and that the other kids joke about it.
If she is seeing this as a huge problem already, how wil she handle when she is all alone overseas?
For me, it is a bet. Nothing can proove she will do fine neither fail. What the call is, no clue. need more input.

5

If it were me, I’d say:
“Sure. No problem. Choose a few possible schools, work out a study plan that’s feasible and practical, find out about the fees, accommodation, all that kind of stuff. Once you’ve narrowed it down to, let’s say, three or four schools, we can sit down, review and write some application letters.”

I mean, if she’s not cabable of doing any of that without your help, how the hell will she be able to manage by herself?

She sounds like a real spoiled brat to me, no offence.

And not to put too fine a point on it, if she’s feeling like that here, it’ll only be far, far worse for her in the UK, where the chances are, she’ll not only be the “fat geeky swotty kid,” she’ll be the “fat geeky swotty Chink.”

6

You beat me to it.

7

If it were my kid, I’d say “Sure, as soon as you save up that tuition, airfare and living expenses, you’re free to go!”

8

[quote=“sandman”]If it were me, I’d say:
“Sure. No problem. Choose a few possible schools, work out a study plan that’s feasible and practical, find out about the fees, accommodation, all that kind of stuff. Once you’ve narrowed it down to, let’s say, three or four schools, we can sit down, review and write some application letters.”

I mean, if she’s not cabable of doing any of that without your help, how the hell will she be able to manage by herself?[/quote]

:bravo: :bravo: :bravo:

Perfect. It’ll give her a good educational project to work on, she’ll learn some valuable lessons through the process, and probably she’ll fail to complete it all, so you’ll all have learned something and she can forget about her dream for now, without blaming you or her mother. Of course the downside is she may succeed, complete the process and get accepted, in which case the mom better be prepared to follow through on her end of the bargain. And if she does, maybe she is capable of handling it. :idunno:

[quote]She sounds like a real spoiled brat to me, no offence.

And not to put too fine a point on it, if she’s feeling like that here, it’ll only be far, far worse for her in the UK, where the chances are, she’ll not only be the “fat geeky swotty kid,” she’ll be the “fat geeky swotty Chink.”[/quote]

Maybe so. But maybe that will be the kick in the pants she needs. Away from home, away from mommy, on her own, people still teasing her, need to grow up and deal with life on her own.

9

[quote=“Mother Theresa”]

[quote]She sounds like a real spoiled brat to me, no offence.

And not to put too fine a point on it, if she’s feeling like that here, it’ll only be far, far worse for her in the UK, where the chances are, she’ll not only be the “fat geeky swotty kid,” she’ll be the “fat geeky swotty Chink.”[/quote]

Maybe so. But maybe that will be the kick in the pants she needs. Away from home, away from mommy, on her own, people still teasing her, need to grow up and deal with life on her own.[/quote]

Well it’s one thing when mummy and daddy (or mummy’s boyfriend) are paying for everything, and another if she’s paying her own way. Obviously she would be expecting to have everything paid for her. That’s not a kick in the pants IMHO. And that’s the very problem with spoilt brats (in general). They are brought up to EXPECT this. It’s not even their fault in a way.

10

[quote=“irishstu”][quote=“Mother Theresa”]

[quote]She sounds like a real spoiled brat to me, no offence.

And not to put too fine a point on it, if she’s feeling like that here, it’ll only be far, far worse for her in the UK, where the chances are, she’ll not only be the “fat geeky swotty kid,” she’ll be the “fat geeky swotty Chink.”[/quote]

Maybe so. But maybe that will be the kick in the pants she needs. Away from home, away from mommy, on her own, people still teasing her, need to grow up and deal with life on her own.[/quote]

Well it’s one thing when mummy and daddy (or mummy’s boyfriend) are paying for everything, and another if she’s paying her own way. Obviously she would be expecting to have everything paid for her. That’s not a kick in the pants IMHO. And that’s the very problem with spoilt brats (in general). They are brought up to EXPECT this. It’s not even their fault in a way.[/quote]

Ok, tell her you can’t afford boarding school without serious assistance, so she’ll first have to research potential schools, tuitions, eligibility and particularly grants and scholarships and criteria for receiving them. Don’t make any promises yet, but tell her if she starts doing the necessary research into such matters you’re willing to discuss, but without that information it’s pointless. Then, if it appears feasible, tell her she needs to apply for such grants and scholarships as well as entrance to the school and you’ll pay only X dollars; she needs to get the other Y.

11

She’s only 14! Kids that age don’t have to - or shouldn’t have to - finance their own education. If your girlfriend can afford it, I think it would be a good idea to send her to a school in the UK for a year. Maybe she’ll blossom away from her mother.

12

I had to find funding for my school trip to Europe for spring break when I was 15 which included writing an application letter to my school’s French Club for a much-needed $1000 scholarship (which I won). I had to earn the money that was not covered by the tuition and I had to make sure my medical needs (as I was still undergoing chemotherapy at the time) could be met while I was overseas. My mother barely had enough money to support us in regular school activities, let alone 10-day trips to another continent. I had to arrange to get my passport and paperwork pretty much doing things independently as my mother was busy working two jobs. My best friend helped me by driving me to the orientation meetings held at another high school and my mother took me to the airport, but I was fairly on my own getting my part of the trip together.

I also like to think that I appreciated the trip more than the kids whose parents were able to give them the money without batting an eye. And I don’t think I would have ever thought it were possible for me to go overseas if it weren’t for that first taste and success at procuring funds to do so.

I think making her work out the details of this trip overseas is exactly what she needs. If mom is going to give her any money, she needs to put a limit on what she will give as a gift and what her daughter will need to earn (through chores, babysitting, etc.) to cover the rest like day-to-day expenses.

She might also want to rethink going to the UK for school. Especially if she’s planning to stay in London. I went through $6000 USD over a 5-week stay thanks to tuition, housing, and daily expenses. Unless she’s only planning to stay for only a month, she’d be less of a financial burden if she went to another, more reasonably-priced anglophonic country.

13

I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but she is just a teenager who is on her most recent obsession (going to school overseas.) Like a Taiwanese Varuca Salt, once she gets that, she will be calling from overseas and asking for something else, or will be totally obsessed with getting something else that seems unobtainalbe (the hot guy at school, a LV bag, or something) and she’ll forget all about how lucky she is to be where she is.

Teenagers do this. It’s a phase. I would recommend NOT trying to go through with this, even if she does all of the work. Sure she’ll hate you now, but there is nothing you can do to fix that. It is the price parents have to pay when we do what we think is right for our children. Unfortunately, it is when we become teenagers that we suddenly know everything and our parents seem to know nothing. I remember how I was, every child acts out in a different way. Let her be her, continue to do what you think is best for her, but for the love of whatever god you pray to do not cater to her every desire. I highly doubt you can afford boarding school in the UK, and she won’t settle for another country (it’ll seem second best to her). The chances of her getting finacial aid is also a long shot, and there’s no way she can work to make enough money to afford it herself. I would just tell her to do well in school here and when she graduates from high school, promise to send her to the UK, US, wherever, for college.

Compromise is the answer here. Remember, your gf is her mom not her friend. Her job is to protect her, teach her, and nurture her, not getting her daughter to like her. Good luck.

14

[quote=“jwbrunken”]I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but she is just a teenager who is on her most recent obsession (going to school overseas.) Like a Taiwanese Varuca Salt, once she gets that, she will be calling from overseas and asking for something else, or will be totally obsessed with getting something else that seems unobtainalbe (the hot guy at school, a LV bag, or something) and she’ll forget all about how lucky she is to be where she is.

Teenagers do this. It’s a phase. I would recommend NOT trying to go through with this, even if she does all of the work. Sure she’ll hate you now, but there is nothing you can do to fix that. It is the price parents have to pay when we do what we think is right for our children. Unfortunately, it is when we become teenagers that we suddenly know everything and our parents seem to know nothing. I remember how I was, every child acts out in a different way. Let her be her, continue to do what you think is best for her, but for the love of whatever god you pray to do not cater to her every desire. I highly doubt you can afford boarding school in the UK, and she won’t settle for another country (it’ll seem second best to her). The chances of her getting finacial aid is also a long shot, and there’s no way she can work to make enough money to afford it herself. I would just tell her to do well in school here and when she graduates from high school, promise to send her to the UK, US, wherever, for college.

Compromise is the answer here. Remember, your gf is her mom not her friend. Her job is to protect her, teach her, and nurture her, not getting her daughter to like her. Good luck.[/quote]

I guess this is in the line with my thoughts. Money would not be a problem, but as a friend of her mothers, I can only advice to end Senior High here and than heading overseas college indeed.
And yes, she is a spoiled kid. 2 weeks back she wwas asking for a dog, which I refused directly as I know a dog is still a toy for her.
She and her mother have a discussion this evening with her father. If she comes up with REAL valuable reasons the guy might say yes. At last, he loves his daughter and would do this to make her “feel better” Not rational at all, but hey… Taiwanese families… hard to understand.

Thanks all for the advices. Will take the best out copy-paste them and hand them over to my GF to discuss…

15

A lot of students spend some time studying abroad and living with a host family. Perhaps having to live under the roof of another family will teach her to appreciate what she’s got. I say if she’s serious about it and can write a proposal, then her mother should go for it. And if she messes up, at least she’ll be cured of the desire for a while.

As the boyfriend, I’d dare venture that perhaps you are sticking your nose in a little too much and are risking alienation by your girl’s daughter and in so, perhaps your girlfriend. At least wait until you’re married before you try telling her how to raise her children.

16

Oh, believe me, I am not. I am not more than an advisor. Like someone told me, if I would have met my GF when her daughter would have been 5, it would be another story. There was still time to educate her to be come less hostile and ever demanding.
My GF is just praising me for the advise I give as she can not handle her daughter too much .
In fact, it is the daughter who controls the mother. And this is ongoing for years. Djee, maybe i am lucky that i still do not understand Mandarin as i would raise my voice many times to her daughter after hearing what she says or calls her mother.

The balance is very simple:
Sending her away would certainly open her eyes and wondering she is missing a kind of luxury life here with here mother always ready to jump up for whatever she needsor wants.(spoiled? yes, for sure)
Keeping her here for another few years would result in being even a bigger hard-head to deal with, but it would be the best for her as she is immature to step inside an adult world yet (as she thinks she can have her own lodging or so…) :loco:
We will see how the conversation goes tonight.

17

A couple of really quick thoughts.

First up, suicide. Threats of suicide can never be tolerated. I’d be using the threat as justification for not sending her as she’s clearly too immature, or troubled. I;d also let her know that threatening suicide as a means of getting her own way simply will not be toplerated. Do it again and you will call the mental health authorities. You will do this because you love her and don’t want her doing something stupid, something she will almost certainly regret should she attempt and fuck up, which is actually the norm.

I suspect this is a classic grass is greener, or what’s termed a geographical cure. I’m sure we foreigners are aware or guilty of the same. Life sucks here, it would be so much better there and I’m sure I’d get my life in order if only I was somewhere else. This suggests she;s not coping,perhaps the fatness uis an issue, perhaps the school, whatever. However, she needs to be very much on top of her home game before considering trying somewhere else.

A classic leverage in this situation is to demand evidence that she can not only survive, but floursish in a more demanding foreign environment. This would require exemplary performance at home, because her performance is likely to dip in the first year or two overseas.

As for your invcolvement as BF, I’m sure you know better than anyone the score here. Of course you have a role to play and your GF no doubt cherishes your input. Parenting is a hard game and the more helping hands the better for all concerned. There is also some likelihood that you being foreign has somehow exacerbated her desire to seek foreign study, ie, “I know all about foreigners”.

HG

18

My first thought is “Foreign exchange student”. Millions of peple have spent six months or a year as a foreign exchange student in another country, and her age is just about right to sign up. I don’t personally know anyone who can hook you up with a good program, so you can try a google search Google search for ‘foreign + exchange + student’

A second option, which is best suited for a patient girl who’s willing to wait a couple of years: there’s a great opportunity for Taiwanese students to get their BA in America. In California, you can attend a community college for the first two years and be guaranteed acceptance to a four year university at the end of it. It will take only two extra years to graduated from a top school like UCLA (my friend graduated from UCLA in just this way, getting a degree in INternational Business). There are some advantages of this method:

  1. The entrance standard is much lower for a community college. She will be able to get in there, take a lot of GE (General Education) classes as well as improving her English.
  2. The cost of a community college is much much lower than a university.
  3. You get a home stay family who can help you learn more.
  4. You end up with a degree from a four year university, and you don’t even need to take the SAT. You are guaranteed admission as long as you get a 3.0 GPA at the community college.
  5. The teachers at a community college work hard to make sure everyone can achieve. The students are not so competitive in a 2-year school, so it’s a great place to study.
  6. You don’t need to finish high school first, if you can pass the GED (high school equivalency test). And if you haven’t passed the GED, you can take classes at the community college that will help you pass.
  7. My friend’s school is a great place, so I can recommend a good school in San Diego. Just PM me for more details.
19

As foreseen, My Gf and her daughter had a chat with her father.
It should have been an open conversation, but it ended up in disaster.
When her father asked why she is so eager to study overseas… the kid started crying and did not stopped untill leaving.
She was too afraid to tell her father that she wants to study overseas… to escape the relation her mother has with her new BF (me) Damn, that is a knife in my heart after everything I do for her, even being a spoiled brath.
So, now we are dealing with another situation. Kid does not like mother having relation with new BF.
I am not convinced that it is because of who i am. The same thing happened with other BF’s which my GF dated before, but they did never live together which we do now for a few months.
How to deal with this, no clue but it is not healthy at all.

20

I don’t know if this is any comfort, but it sounds fairly normal to me. Teenage girls have fairly complex relationships with their fathers. This complexity is compounded by divorce and the ‘newcomer’ stepfather is seen as a threat, although the girl herself probably won’t admit it.

There’s no easy answer, but if you are kind and compassionate (without being a pushover with no boundaries) she’ll eventually grow to see you as a positive force in her life. You say you’ve been there a few months; this isn’t a long time and can be very difficult for a pubescent child to deal with. She’ll come around but probably not any time soon.

How long ago did her parents divorce?