I’ve got a gripe and I know no one would understand but you forumosans.
Regrettably, despite my high-class job in a high-class company, I’ve only got a cubicle (albeit a large one) and not an office. Even more regrettably, one of my colleagues on one side of my cubicle or the other has had the most nauseating flatulence lately, so that several times per day as I sit typing on my computer I am suddenly overwhelmed by the putrid stench of rotting fecal matter emanating from someone’s intestines.
I don’t know what to do. I could get up and leave my cubicle for a while, waiting for the air to clear, but this isn’t such a practical solution as the environment has sustained such gastric pollutants perhaps a dozen times per day, or more, over the past couple of weeks and I’ve got lots of work to do at my desk, in my cubicle.
Or I can sit there and bask in the stench, which is what I have been doing (and am presently doing), trying not to breathe for 5 or 10 minutes till the air has cleared, but that’s not such a great option either as I’m not so great at holding my breath and I still manage to inhale a substantial quantity of fumes.
I suppose I could pull out a face mask whenever the environment dictates; I hadn’t thought of that till now. I may just do that.
Or I could approach the offending party and ask them to cease and desist their noxious emissions, but that’s not realistic as they’re likely incapable of doing so. Moreover, the culprit could be one of two people: either a very quiet, shy, devout buddhist girl who I believe is a vegetartian, or a large overweight guy who eats double and triple portions of every meal. Clearly he is the more likely suspect, but I’m not sure what I could say to him or if it could make a difference.
Buy some spray air-freshener and then very obviously and noisily spray it around whenever someone lets one go.
Make choking noises and drop to the floor of your cubicle, spasming while frantically trying to claw your way to safety.
These steps should make your displeasure sufficiently clear. Not that anything will be done about it. Either that, or stuff yourself with Pringles, beer and bratwurst with lots of mustard and onions. Then you can have a competition.
I suggest you stand up every time it drifts your way and screach loudly, bai tuo, shei kui si le? (please, who’s dying?), then uttering something about being unable to handle it, grab your coat and head outside. Be warned, the bigger the deal you make about it, the worse it may become.
The merit of this approach is that there is simply no way of being absolutely sure of the originating arsehole to the point they cannot refute it, however, if there are just three of you, and presuming the other innocent party doesn’t believe it’s a case of the fox smelling it’s own scent, you both will be able to work out the guilty party.
Cubicles, human digestion and the historical lack of bodily restraint among Chinese are an occupational hazard. It’s no better here in the fetid bunkers of HK I hate to say. I actually stumbled into a lift crowded with suits the other day and some peasant gleefully and loudly let one flee. Unbelievable.
I bet its the Veggie who’s doing it. Better speak to her first.
Have you thought about getting something very smelly like stinky tofu, or the some Durian and putting it on your desk? If anyone complains you can just say it is to cover up the smell of veggie girl’s farts…problem solved.
Ha!
I ripped off a Quarter Pounder yesterday during nappy time.
Then I turned my desk fan around to ensure that it emanated over as many colleagues, erm, co-habiting primates, as possible…
Case dismissed!!!
get one of those industrial air fresher cans, and squirt it over the fence when he lets rip. Failing that, try and small co2 fire extinguisher. Another idea is to get a good fart MP3 on your computer and set it going whenever he does. The rest of the office will put the 2 senses together, and he’ll realise he isn’t getting away with it.
Speaking of farts, I was at the bank the other day, and some guy walked across the lobby, alone, and did a really loud one. I even turned around to look at the guy in disbelief. He was totally oblivious.
I actually love that about being in Asia. It is very liberating being able to just let go when you need to. I particularly like the rhythmic ones that come out with each step as you are walking.
Oh, i have my own office though so I have to save up for elevators and crowds.
I find the attitude towards letting gas out here openly to be refreshing. Whenever I have the urge to, I let out a large belch at the office and shout out “chocolates” .
However, for rear gas, I am much more dignified – I go to a small meeting room that nobody uses very much. I call it the “gas room.”
Thanks for all the helpful responses everybody. I feel a new readiness to take on this issue. In particular, I liked these:
Speaking of farting in lifts (a couple people mentioned that), when the elevator opened at my floor the other day I stepped inside and the thing reeked. Someone had apparently let a massive one rip right before stepping out the door. It was bad enough having to step into the stench but, worse yet, the lift descended just a couple of floors before the door opened again and a pretty girl stepped inside and I’m certain she must have thought it was my doing.
I almost told her “it wasn’t me,” but I figured she would have no idea what I was talking about or, if she did understand, she would figure “aha, you’re telling me that; therefore you must be guilty.” Maybe I think too much.
[quote=“Mother Theresa”] It was bad enough having to step into the stench but, worse yet, the lift descended just a couple of floors before the door opened again and a pretty girl stepped inside and I’m certain she must have thought it was my doing.
[/quote]
Maybe the smell turned her on. Was it the one wearing the “white pants”?
MT, I really hope I’m not taking this thread down a level by suggesting that you determine precisely who it is who’s doing the office farting. I mean, it wouldn’t exactly be decorous to hose down veggiebuddha girl with fartscent (isn’t that what one of the local air fresheners is called?) if it was three-portion man. And vice versa.
Let’s tackle this in Crime Scene Investigation manner. First, there’s auditory evidence. Are you actually hearing them happen? If a dog hears a noise like that, he’ll cock his head to one side to try to triangulate the point of origin. You could try doing the same thing. Or bring a dog to the office. They can hear things at frequencies that we can’t.
Second, are there any other eye, er, nosewitnesses? You don’t need to approach them directly. Just discreetly look around for wrinkled noses, bulging cheeks, and bloodshot eyes. You can probably rule them out. Depending on speed and direction of AC and office fan, you might be able to chart and pinpoint origin.
If these don’t help, you’ll probably need to go directly to the source. Do the farts tend to cluster at a certain time of day? If so, distract either veggiebuddha woman or three-portion man by calling him/her away from the cubicle around that time. Return to the cubicle by yourself in intervals, gingerly sniff the air, and otherwise check co-worker faces for evidence of residue. You could also try buying lunch for one of the two and then surreptitiously insert an ingredient whose aroma would be immediately detectable in vapor form (say pomelo, but they might not yet be in season). Another option would be to place yourself strategically at the posterior ends of both co-workers with a butane lighter in each hand. Just be careful not to burn your fingers (or singe your hair).
Once you’ve determined the culprit, well then, there are lots of great suggestions in this thread.
Probably a little pedantic at this stage of the conversation, but isn’t the rule:-
“whoever smelt it dealt it?”, or “a fox smells his own hole first?” or something similar?
.