Relationship Breakdown

For all those familiar with my Rich Tea thread.
I dont want to get too bogged down in the family thing. My girlfriends dad can go suck eggs. I am more stressed about the apparent breakdown of the relationship since we got to Taiwan. Some good examples: I have been told by her that she doesnt want to watch movies in the cinema on weekends because the cinemas get too crowded here. Is that a valid reason? Also, she wants to stay at home on the weekends because her cousins etc all return home, and it is a ‘family time’. This weekend I was watching the footy and was aksed not to cheer when goals were scored as it would wake her father. Finally, every time i leave a light on, or the air con or the tv, someone tells her then she tells me. Give a guy a break.
Question: Is it common for seemingly level headed girls to turn into weirdo’s as soon as they hit Taiwans shores.
I just think the family thing is a diversion is all, i mean apart from being worrying for the future.
I should just leave, right?
Call me all the names you want, i probably need to hear this.

Patterson, sounds like you’ve got some issues to sort out with the missus. Some of these things happened to me when I first arrived here with my gf too though - see TV, air con, light, blah blah. End result, once I landed a nice job a couple of weeks later, I moved out. Best thing for everyone. Now the movie thing, if you had your own place, you could just rent DVDs.

Dude, you better get a spine quick. These people have worked their way up from the bog, and are exploiters.

I have been told by her that she doesnt want to watch movies in the cinema on weekends because the cinemas get too crowded here. Is that a valid reason? Also, she wants to stay at home on the weekends because her cousins etc all return home, and it is a ‘family time’

Tell her you want to make some love gravy in the empty theatre. Tell her you are getting blueballs and are starting to find the donkeys in her house attractive. Weekday, weeknight - as long as it is tight. However, if you want a movie that the cousins might like - I recommend “Deliverance” Maybe you can ask the dad to play the banjo when its done.

This weekend I was watching the footy and was aksed not to cheer when goals were scored as it would wake her father.

Tell her you like danger. Tell her you want to engage in sodomy outside of her dads door…Tell her this danger ratio makes you perform like Captain Highliner on acid.

Finally, every time i leave a light on, or the air con or the tv, someone tells her then she tells me. Give a guy a break.

Simple. Tell her you don’t give a flying fuck. Tell her she is starting to bore you.

I should just leave, right?

Yes. With at least 10% of your pride.

I just read “the rich tea thread”, and then this one. Patterson, I’m a Taiwanese girl, and even I don’t understand why you still live in that house!! I know you love that girl and you assume the girl still loves you, and that you don’t want to lose her, but since maintaining the status quo has proved helping not much to your relationship with her, and maybe even worse because the tention between you and her family only worsens the situation, then why not just moving out and cooling down for a while, then things may even have a chance to turn around?

It doesn’t mean you and she won’t see each other anymore when you move out, right? Like other posters in the “rich tea” thread said, you and she may have more private time/space together if you move out, thus heatening up you two’s romance relationship. If Taipei is so far away from her, then move to Taichung, you can still easily see each other since it’s only some 30-minute dirve distance as you said. Besides, if she doesn’t want to go to Taichung to see you after you move out, do you think this will still be a happy, long-lasting relationship/marriage? Wake up! please!

Everyone’s jumping down your throat, maybe I should go read this chinese tea thread :bulb:

OK read that, same advice. Move out.

Damn…

You are STILL there? :?

I know the feeling about the lights, TV, air con, etc. and I have never lived with my inlaws but we visit all the time.

I think, in some cases, that Taiwanese girls who marry westerners never really leave their family. If she married a Taiwanese man it would be a different story, it would be her mother in law getting on her case telling her what to do. She wouldn’t have a whole lot of time to see her own family and they wouldn’t treat her as if she still belonged to their family. She wouldn’t be part of the family, Jia chu qu le, and all that jazz. Actually my wife’s little brother constantly reminds my wife that she is part of someone else’s family now, however, my family is not in Taiwan.

So, for me it sometimes works in the reverse, I have become the in-law into their family and if I complain about it - well, let’s say I’ve had more than my fair share of arguments about it. Personally, I think that my family business is my business and not my in-laws, but then it’s not that bad.

um… what the guy said above. why are you still posting this stuff instead of packing the hell out.

the theatre excuse is a joke. this is so bad, i feel like you’re yanking our chain with these stories. how many different threads will this take or how many posters do you need to make a final decision? (of course if you are really that miserably in love and can’t drag you two feet across the threshold, then my sympathies.)

and also, why would you leave the TV on if you’re not watching? it’s like leaving the stove on, or not closing the fridge door or something. i’m going to have to side with them on that one.

well, i posted first time on saturday. i cant get to the computer as the weekend is a mahjong party in the computer room. It lasts most of the day. I had to work today, but i am going to look at some places tonight. is that fast enough?
As to leave the t.v. on. When you want a drink, and you have to leave the room, do you turn off the t.v.? Well i dont, but in those 40 or so seconds one of the snoopers has seen the crime and reported it… OK.
I am gonna get up of my sorry butt now…

[quote=“patterson”]well, i posted first time on saturday. i cant get to the computer as the weekend is a mahjong party in the computer room. It lasts most of the day. I had to work today, but I am going to look at some places tonight. is that fast enough?
As to leave the t.v. on. When you want a drink, and you have to leave the room, do you turn off the t.v.? Well i dont, but in those 40 or so seconds one of the snoopers has seen the crime and reported it… OK.
I am gonna get up of my sorry butt now…[/quote]

understood. well as i said good luck.
and the tv thing as u described it… is different from what i was thinking. pretty horrible for you. in fact, don’t bother packing, just grab the essentials. you’re fighting for your very soul now. no time to lose.

kenny, dont worry about it. i stated first off that i have NO friends here. No one to talk to at all. I have lost the ability to write my thoughts down clearly, cos apart from speaking in kindy english,and the conversations with my girlfriend I havent spoken to anyone. Im like robinson fricken crusoe. You dont have to symapthise or hate, just advise. And i know what you are saying sure enough. I will find somewhere as quick as possible. Peace.

Well, Robinson Crusoe, I am the original Crusoe.
I survived, maybe we can share our island experiences sometime.
:wink:

Nah, I am more like Tom Hanks in Castaway. I miss Wilson.

[quote=“Bassman”]
Nah, I am more like Tom Hanks in Castaway. I miss Wilson.[/quote]

So the rest of us here on your desert island are what exactly? Trees? Rocks? Binlang groves?

I want to be the test body hanging from the acme of your island…

It could be worse.
You could have married her before coming.

You seem to have fallen into a situation that even seasoned old Taiwan-hands either shun or fight like hell.

You might think of coming up to Taipei and licking your wounds for a while. Teaching English here is like falling out of a tree, and you don’t have to babysit infants, either.

If this woman is really the apple of your eye, she may want to follow you at some point, but you must be reconsidering the whole thing by now.

PM me if you need more info anything.

patterson… I have a question for you. And I mean it seriously. What I might have to say may sound harsh but I think I should say it anyway because it might strike a chord with you.
First, the question.

Is your girlfriend hot? Not in the sense of, “Do you find your girlfriend attractive?” But is she like really hot? (in your opinion of course). Is she so hot that you are terrified of leaving her because you feel you will never have a girlfriend THAT hot again. That’s what it sounds like to me.

I would guess that your girlfriend is pretty cute. The kind that certain people, who are obsessed with Chinese girls, would think is smOkin’ but in reality isn’t. You yourself are alright looking but nothing to get too excited about (otherwise why would you be a doormat for so long). You met the SmOkin’, exotic asian girl of your dreams on your turf, and you fell head over heels for her and couldn’t believe your good fortune in landing such a babe.

Now you meet the family and defer to her and her family’s wishes at every step of the way. She doesn’t want to go to the theater 'cuz it’s too crowded? Whatever dude! You live in a small town and daddy doesn’t want her going out in public and letting everyone know she’s boning whitey.

A couple of points…

  1. (this one is only a possibilty, but consider it. It occurred to me) She wants you to leave and doesn’t have the balls the tell you that it’s over. I’ve seen this happen a number of times. Basically GF makes the situation intolerable and wants you to do the breaking-up. This way she still maintains her nice-girl self-image and conveniently doesn’t owe you anything and is free from any guilt, after all, you ended the relationship.

  2. She knows you are wrapped around her finger (you’ve proved it for months now). Do you think a Taiwanese guy would put up with that kind of rejection from her and her family? Let me tell you, Jay Chou wouldn’t (well, maybe he would, but it wouldn’t make the girl respect him any more than she does you). My guess is, you blew it by being such a shlep. She may love you cuz you are such a softy and appreciate the fact that you would put up with so much for her, but she doesn’t respect you. In fact she probably feels guilty for taking on the lost puppy that she is no longer able to care for. (see point 1)

  3. You will probably move out and make some attempts at being independent and happy without her. You will be secretly pining for her and wondering if you will ever have a girlfiend THAT hot again (or young, I dunno). You’ll imagine her father introducing her to “suitable” boys who drive Mercedes and the jealousy will consume you. You will do your best to put on a brave face and tell her you are doing swimmingly without her, but this will have no effect on her feelings toward you as she will know you are bluffing. And then one day you will break down and call her and tell her your true feelings – that you love her and are miseable without her, and she will be very cold and tell you what she should have told you a long time ago, that it is OVER. You will be a hurt, rather sad individual for 2 months. Then slowly you will think of her less and less until 5 months later when you will never think of her and you are having a great time and are either extremely happy being single or have met a great new girl. Then, when you really are truly happy and never thinking of her, either with or without your new fabulous girlfriend, she will call. She will tell you how much she wants to catch up. She will tell you she doesn’t live at home anymore and that she is sorry about how she treated you. She will say she wants to see you again, and act cutesy like she always did before; suggesting at the possibility of you two getting back together again. And you’ll think back on all that had transpired before this point in time… and she will be the last person you want to see. At this point she will want to get back together with you because you are again the independent guy she originally went for in the first place and not the lost puppy who gets treated like shit and then asks for advice on an internet forum. But you will have moved on, and think, "there is no way in hell I would go back to that miserable existence, 'cuz if I did, she would instantly lose all respect for me all over again and I’b be right back where I started.

You will have a good laugh and wonder how you ever put yourself in such a pitiful situation to begin with.

yours truly
the voice of reason

Did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend is doing all that to get rid off you? Judging from your posts I think that her family is much more important to her than you are. They obviously don’t like you and feel ashamed that their daughter has a foreign boyfriend, thus you might have become a kind of nuisance to her. Now that she is back on her own turf, marrying a foreign kindy teacher suddenly doesn’t seem to be such a great idea. Maybe they are all waiting for you to get out of the picture so the family can start introducing more “appropriate” suitors (preferably rich ones). IMO, by driving you to a point where you can’t take it anymore (obviously you are quite resilient, I wouldn’t have lasted a week) she tries to make you break up with her, so she doesn’t have to do it. Then she can easily slip into the role of the wronged woman and get sympathy points.

Move out ASAP.
See if your relationship is going anywhere after you moved away.
If not, lick your wounds and go home, or enjoy life as a single guy in Taiwan (not too bad from what I heard).

I really hope things will work out ok for you, either way.

:slight_smile:

It would seem like it, in another country, but in this neck of the woods it would surprise me.

To a Taiwanese gal the family is very important. If she did marry him she would still need her family if you stay in Taiwan. It’s not like she will have a traditional Taiwanese husbands family to turn to.

Not liking you. Hmmm… sometimes it can feel that way, but in a culture where parents call their own kids stupid so as not to be proud, it’s easier to put people down.

My father in-law used to be the same, until some Taiwanese spoke up for me and said good things about me. Then he changed his mind, it was like “hell, if a Taiwanese can say great things about this foreign devil then he must be ok”.

This could be true. But I wouldn’t speak for the girl on this one. Going against the families wishes is pretty tough here, if it didn’t work out she’d have nothing. It’s tough being a girl in Taiwan.

Yes, a Taiwanese girl would do that, wait … not just a Taiwanese woman, any unstable type would.

But, I don’t know his girl and I am not going to pretend to know anything.

Things, in Taiwan, can be a lot more complex than the average western mind could ever understand.

i smell a troll. do trolls still troll here?

Thanks to sunday. Lots of laughs from akosh. I am sure her dad is waiting to introduce her to more suitable people. (yesterday i found out that her dad has asked her several times to go with them to some social club they are members of. She says its cos she just got back, and they want her to meet their friends. So why am I not invited? Anyone got another take on that??? ) I am not some plug ugly doofus. We met while I was dropping out of a masters that she too was studying. We just fell for each other. No she isnt the hottest girl on the planet, but who marries that girl? Does she exist? My girl was just a nice independent chick, with a comfortable place, and a good vibe to her. (she was wicked in bed) I was happy with her and that was enough. Oh yeah, and she was from Taiwan. I should have seen the warning when she didnt want to tell her father about me. Duh, too much pot for me. Too luved up. I thought I was Johnny traveller, with Japan under my belt. But this is some dirty third world backwater hell hole, and not the trendy mega rich osaka. I didnt know what the hell i was doing. I wanted to please her, which meant living with the family and sucking it down. Taking the negative comments, the deprevation of my self respect and being totally ignored was part of the deal. I hoped they would soften to me. Maybe they have, but i’ll be jiggered if I can see it. What I didnt expect was that she would be so ‘pro-family’ even when things most blatently arent going swimmingly. I thought she would get a job, we’d fall deeper in love, and that that would please the family. Total dick. She has no idea of what she is doing, and of what i am facing. Her dad has no foreign friends, and says he thinks it will be impossible for me to make her happy for the rest of her life, because I am not Taiwanese. My girlfriend seems to have her head up her ass. She cant see that this is a prophecy of doom. She wants me to sit downstairs all evening with them, watching chinese crap and being grunted at occasionally with offers of fruit. Such offers I am supposed to believe are signs that things are going well. Bullshit to that. He dont want me to marry his daughter. She loves me, but wont drag herself from the coma of bliss she is in. I, meanwhile, tell her off, and say she is spoiled. I am blotting my own copybook, marking my own cards, signing my own death warrant. Choose your own… Because I am making her unhappy. Surely that must be fuel for big poppas fire, and one day soon he may strike.
I will move out, and show her a good time again. Its time to do things western stylee, cos the Taiwanese method has been a totally shit deal.
Yes, i am a dick for staying so long, for allowing the situation to get to me, and maybe even for airing my views on the internet. But what the fuck. I am gonna go down fighting.
Hope that clears up matters for those who are getting pissed off with this. Remember, i am the twat who has been doing this 24-7.

Not trying to be a cultural apologist here Patterson but I think the Bassman nailed it quite well. There are two views to this scenario and yours is but one.

By all means get yourself out of that scene but my advice is to make it low key. Don’t go for any big flare-up, keep your options open and say that you’re linking up with a friend or whatever. You’ll go down big time if you turn on these people, believe me. Shalu’s a pretty rough little town as I’ve alluded to previously. Exit Dodge but do it without the fireworks.

Shit, didn’t Bassman write offering you PM him. Get in touch with the man, he may be willing to get you out easy or at least offer some of his considerable experience.

You are getting out of this scene because the family are treating you like shit. Trouble in a Chinese families tends to shift subtley which is what I think your lass is sussing out - but can suddenly get very fucking big indeed. I wouldn’t reccomend you start giving the lass a hard time anywhere within earshot of pops unless you’ve got a fast motor running and a clear path to the door.

Save your issues with the lass til later. Now, as has been said numerous times, you have to break off the key with the family. Make an excuse and go. End of chat.

Bestest.

HG