Relationship Breakdown

What you have there is a Psychoxiaojie. It can (and has) happened to the best of us. The feeling of relief when you get out of that house will be wonderful. You have called Bassman haven’t you ?

I usually try to stay away from the “dating” and other controversial threads, but I like the voice of reason here.

Ever see the movie “Swingers”? That describes Point #3 quite well. :wink:

“Mikey, you’re so money, and you don’t even know it!” :smiley:

[quote=“akosh”]3) You will probably move out and make some attempts at being independent and happy without her. You will be secretly pining for her and wondering if you will ever have a girlfiend THAT hot again (or young, I dunno). You’ll imagine her father introducing her to “suitable” boys who drive Mercedes and the jealousy will consume you. You will do your best to put on a brave face and tell her you are doing swimmingly without her, but this will have no effect on her feelings toward you as she will know you are bluffing. And then one day you will break down and call her and tell her your true feelings – that you love her and are miseable without her, and she will be very cold and tell you what she should have told you a long time ago, that it is OVER. You will be a hurt, rather sad individual for 2 months. Then slowly you will think of her less and less until 5 months later when you will never think of her and you are having a great time and are either extremely happy being single or have met a great new girl. Then, when you really are truly happy and never thinking of her, either with or without your new fabulous girlfriend, she will call. She will tell you how much she wants to catch up. She will tell you she doesn’t live at home anymore and that she is sorry about how she treated you. She will say she wants to see you again, and act cutesy like she always did before; suggesting at the possibility of you two getting back together again. And you’ll think back on all that had transpired before this point in time… and she will be the last person you want to see. At this point she will want to get back together with you because you are again the independent guy she originally went for in the first place and not the lost puppy who gets treated like shit and then asks for advice on an internet forum. But you will have moved on, and think, "there is no way in hell I would go back to that miserable existence, 'cuz if I did, she would instantly lose all respect for me all over again and I’b be right back where I started.

You will have a good laugh and wonder how you ever put yourself in such a pitiful situation to begin with.

Ok, your gf should know better.

Taiwanese in general have no idea or understanding of western culture. What they think they know comes from the movies and not much else. They will treat you in exactly the same way as they treat everyone else and are shocked if you don’t treat them the same way as Taiwanese treat them. How could we be expected to know how to do that?

My Father in-law hardly ever speaks to me, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like me. He speaks Taiwanese and I speak English and Chinese. He doesn’t like to speak Chinese, so our communication channels are limited. But then he loves our son more than almost anything, he still pretends to be the cool tough guy though, but I know what is going on inside. He gives my wife a bit of pressure to behave like a typical Taiwanese wife for me though.

I did get a bit of pressure in the beginning for not being so open in acknowledging them when they came home or I came in. I would say “ba” and “ma” but apparently not loud enough for the missus, she said I had to make sure that I was heard and not be nervous. I also never asked “have you eaten (in Chinese)”, I never called her parents to eat dinner, in other words in Chinese culture I was being one rude prick. When their friends were over drinking etc I never called the friends “Aunty” and “Uncle”, that was very embarrassing for the friends who couldn’t comprehend why I was being so rude.

I just didn’t know the rules and in 2 months it would be impossible to know the rules.

I don’t think that you should write off the family at all. Get some space and some time to learn about this place and how to live here. Don’t move it to the we are fighting level, just understand that things are different and both sides don’t understand. Your gf should help but obviously isn’t, my wife didn’t either and left me to work it out for myself, luckily I had our arguments to learn from :wink:

Negative comments are part and parcel of Taiwan, I wouldn’t expect much more, apart from strangers saying that you are handsome.

It sounds like the isolation has just about wrecked any chance of you finding a way into the lifestyle of Taiwan, but it may not be too late.

The grunts could also be a sign of their embarrassment of not being able to communicate with you either. And the fruit, not a bad sign, really.

The cold reality is that a small town girl will be difficult to make happy. There will be so many things that you won’t be able to do for her in Taiwan, sometimes only because you don’t have a Taiwan ID. The fact that she would have to do many things for herself and you that a Taiwanese man would be expected to do can also be tough on a relationship. Therefore she needs her family.

A Taiwanese father in a small town doesn’t want any man to marry his daughter, but if it must happen he does want the best she can get.

So, yeah, move out. Get a place. You can have sex there, but don’t expect or demand that small town girl to spend the night. My father in-law was cool as long as my (now) wife actually went home that night, sometime. For her to sleep over we had to be engaged, and then we lived together, that was cool with them.

And now I have to remember a few simple things to enjoy the good life

  1. Call her parents - in a loud and confident voice
  2. Say big hearty hello’s to guests
  3. Ask them if they have eaten
  4. Don’t openly look like I don’t want to be there, even if I don’t.
  5. Don’t complain too directly about the family.

Taiwan has very few foreigners and they will find it very difficult to adjust, the adjustment really needs to be from us. I know you have been trying, perhaps without understanding of Taiwan it is useless to even try.

Once agian, get out and learn slowly about Taiwan. Do things western style for yourself and spend some time learning Taiwanese ways from other people. If you can do that you’ll win. I was lucky, I had Taiwanese men helping me, drinking with me to teach me.

Does her old man drink?

Fighting won’t achieve much in Taiwan, I always approach things another way. I still have some arguments with my wife about Taiwan and my refusal to do things their way, this isn’t true it’s just I spend too much time trying to look like I’m not trying to go their way. Yes, I have a pride problem.

Expect fireworks and you’ll get them. Do you think Taiwanese enjoy being submissive, they don’t, but they suck it up in order to get what they want and need.

I guess I thought just like you when I was here for only two moths, but 5 years makes some changes, not many, but I am working on it.

[quote=“Bassman”]I did get a bit of pressure in the beginning for not being so open in acknowledging them when they came home or I came in. I would say “ba” and “ma” but apparently not loud enough for the missus, she said I had to make sure that I was heard and not be nervous. I also never asked “have you eaten (in Chinese)”, I never called her parents to eat dinner, in other words in Chinese culture I was being one rude prick. When their friends were over drinking etc I never called the friends “Aunty” and “Uncle”, that was very embarrassing for the friends who couldn’t comprehend why I was being so rude.

AHA! Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

God, I remember those days. Glad to know I wasn’t the only one.

“Ask her to eat? Are you serious? Jeez woman, she just finished cooking the damn stuff. Like what the hell else is she about to do but eat it?”

Of course, I do all that stuff without even thinking these days – I’ve been well-conditioned.

Sympathies, Patterson.

People behave differently in different situations. Your (ex-)girlfriend is probably behaving like she did when she grew up, as opposed to the patterns she developed when she was living on her own in England. She’s deferring to her parents, letting her father take care of her just as he did for most of her life, and so on. It’s not so much that she’s a psycho or a weirdo, she’s just falling into her old habits. Unfortunately for you, these habits are proving detrimental to your relationship.

Ever seen a battered woman turn on the cop who’s shown up at the door? Doesn’t matter that the cop is trying to help her get out of having the crap beaten out of her; nine times out of ten, she’s still going to try to get on the good side of the nutcase who’s been beating her and attack the cop. She’s used to that sort of behavior, because she’s been trying to placate the asshole for months or years already.

Not that things are nearly that sodding loony, but it’s a similar thing – falling into old habits.

You wrote elsewhere that you just came for her and will leave Taiwan; unless you’re totally sick of her at this point, you might want to move out, switch jobs, and see if things start to work out with her again. Even if they don’t, you could very well find a nice new girlfriend. Think about your choices before you Abandon Dump. In a nicer part of the island and with a nicer chick, you might learn to enjoy the third-world hellhole (no, wait, that’s Korea – Taiwan is a first-world hellhole). Or, hey, you could always head for Japan. What’ve you got waiting for you in England??

Why do you miss him?? Formosa finally showed up in this thread. :mrgreen:

I am a Taiwanese girl as well and some of the stuff being said about Asian Parent (Taiwanese dad or Taiwanese mom) are true, but some are not. Anywayz, seems like your gf is trying to get ride of you but just not saying it. Sometimes girls are bad at breaking things up so they will try EVERY way and do EVERY hint to let you know, do you think this might be a reason? Are you just not getting those hints??

Whatever it may be, her reasons for not going out with you are just damn too lame. Are you staying just for the sex? If you are, then don’t ya worry about that, there are probably going to be tons of girls in Taizhong, wearing their cute litttle outfits, and waiting for you at the beetel nut stand… Head out there and get out of that place before you get more humiliated. You can do it just fine without her!!

Do let us know what happened…

And remember:

(Just saw it in a catalog; sorry, couldn’t resist. :mrgreen: )

BTW, it happens to the best of us. Let’s just say my Taiwanese romance didn’t work out all that hot either. But I’m still coming back.

“Ask her to eat? Are you serious? Jeez woman, she just finished cooking the damn stuff. Like what the hell else is she about to do but eat it?”

Of course, I do all that stuff without even thinking these days – I’ve been well-conditioned.[/quote]

I remember saying the same thing, exactly the same thing.
It’s hard to get started though.

How’d ya get conditioned, whack, whack, and the little lady sorts ya out :wink:?

i’ve read many of the posts (also the tea thread) and unsure which thread to reply to - so i’ll just reply here…

you’re new in Taiwan - all these things you’re experiencing are normal
it’s happened to all of us - including me

imagine living in your parents home with your girlfriend - what would they be like to her if you only just told them a day before that you two were having a relationship?

of course her father blew his stack - yours would too

Taiwan culture & families are different dude, you need to accept and understand that

sounds like you need to show them what you’re made of - try to engage in conversation with her father, aunts, sisters, uncles…cousins… surely one of them speaks English

moving out…hmm… we moved out about 4 months after living with the family - it wasn’t a pleasant experience

wine and dine your g/f, tell her your feelings…don’t end the relationship, you’ll be worse off

and lastly, get some balls mate

oh hehe, the main things i couldn’t stand about living in the family home were constantly being told “ser fan! ser fan” (my pinyin isn’t so good) EAT RICE EAT RICE = breakfast / lunch / dinner time
and everyone knowing my business down to the finest detail - i found that turning the tables and asking their business helped :wink:


PLEASE go and rescue this guy…

You live nearby right? This is too painful to read anymore.

I’m sure I speak for many by saying his predicament is like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard…


Please tell us that you’re posting from an internet cafe and not in that hellhouse! You have received numerous and heartfelt responses on two different threads now…Even a Taiwanese woman agrees! Get the hell out!

if you don’t get out of there, I will personally come down and pick up your @ss…and no… you don’t want that, that would be very very scary thing… :shock:

so yeah, plez move out

One word of caution. When you finally move out, do so quietly. I guess you are pretty worked up by now and I understand, but try to be nonchalant about the whole thing. You don’t move out because you hate living there, the food sucks,… No, you developed an allergy against a rare dustmite only found in Shalu, or you found this great job that requires you to move to…
Be sure to thank them for their generosity (I know it’s hard) and help everybody, including yourself, safe face. Acting up will just affirm their prejudices, don’t give them the satisfaction.

Good luck!!!

I must agree with Sandman… dont head home before experiencing Taiwan, even if it is just the tourist spots.

As you can tell, there are a bunch of us married to, engaged to or just with Taiwanese partners. It can and does work, and more often than not it does. But like in any relationship, the partner can have a whole swag of priorities, be they family, work, money, whatever.

The family is an important element of life especially to a Taiwnaese girl that has studied overseas. Yeah, I am sure she feels the need to pay back Dad in some way, or to at least live up to the expectations that surrounds returning from study OS.

Do get out, but dont do it in Shalu. I assume you have a cell? DO the move quietly, dont cause trouble, just go. She knows where to find you. If its meant to be its meant to be - cheesy? Sure, but true.

YOu are not alone. Be strong, but dont ever be aggressive.

After reading Patterson

[quote=“Jive Turkey”]After reading Patterson


Your Gf’s relatives are cleary not rational people. They have shown themselves to be unhospitable and control freaks. You can analayze your situation and take the proper steps. However, in the end, you will have still suffered from the experience or:

You can have fun. Start doing absurd things. Follow my earlier advice. Say outragious and do outragious things. People only live confined lives if they accept contol. Hell, make and live your own movies my friend!

Hahaha, good one Jive Turkey! Definitely believable, except for the last part about the father giving his blessing … my bf’s dad is a Taoist priest … if he found out about us I’d have some weird hex put on me or something … :laughing:

Well, if the Taiwanese family liked you they would be different. I lived with my inlaws for some 3 months and the major restrictions were to keep the net dor closed for the mosquitoes and no kissing in front of the parents. Apart from that, no problems.

However, we were married by then. There was no way they would let me stay in their house before we got married. Not because they didn’t like me, but because of some custom.

Who wants to live with the (potential) in-laws anyhow? Get out of there …

[quote=“Bassman”]I think, in some cases, that Taiwanese girls who marry westerners never really leave their family. If she married a Taiwanese man it would be a different story, it would be her mother in law getting on her case telling her what to do. She wouldn’t have a whole lot of time to see her own family and they wouldn’t treat her as if she still belonged to their family. She wouldn’t be part of the family, Jia chu qu le, and all that jazz. Actually my wife’s little brother constantly reminds my wife that she is part of someone else’s family now, however, my family is not in Taiwan.

So, for me it sometimes works in the reverse, I have become the in-law into their family and if I complain about it - well, let’s say I’ve had more than my fair share of arguments about it. Personally, I think that my family business is my business and not my in-laws, but then it’s not that bad.[/quote]

Astute observation. I have experienced the same thing with my inlaws. However, as they still respect that I am the head of an independent household, their attempts to compensate for me not having a family here have so far consisted of: 1. taking care of the kid when needed. 2. Getting my missus to fall in line, the few times she went home to her folks for sympathy after an argument. 3. Lending me money, when my car needed replacement.

I have lived with them too for some 3 months. I did not find them that restrictive. The major restrictions were: 1. No loud tv/music after 10 PM. 2. Keep the net door closed for the mosquitoes. 3. No kissing in front of the older generation (sometimes flouted).

So in general a smooth experience, even though we moved out, once I found a job and could pay the rent.