Relationship problems

[housecat]

@pulpwriter

Here’s to being a guy; to leaving the dishes to the end of the night; for leaving my shoes lying around; for not getting caught up in ‘casual’ questions about whether it’s all right for her to email an ex of hers since, well, I’m getting emails from my ex even though she’s renting my freaking flat from me and has to contact me, and she’s been engaged for two years; here’s to slobbing around and watching tv; here’s to beer; to not picking up after yourself on demand. It’s great being a guy. I’m going to be one again, instead of some fucking whipping boy. Let’s see who breaks first.

Damn, you make it sound so grea–I think I’m gonna be a guy, too! ( , Ya know, accept for the beer, I think I already AM a guy. Well, and I have girl parts. But I love to slob around and I don’t pick up much these days.)

[bismarck]

[quote=“pulpwriter”][color=green]Mod Note: Split from Anti-Nagging Tactics, due to “nagging”. Change title as you see fit, Pulpwriter![/color]

(Apologies for the length of what follows, I’d intended this to be quite a short thing, but sometimes the words won’t stop coming. I’d meant to stick to nagging specifically, but the need to vent was overwhelming.)

Reading some of the posts here, I’m beginning to think I’ve been lucky - until now.

A quick bio; I’m living with my TW girlfriend in Taiwan, after having met her back in my home country where she was living and studying. I’ve been with her here for a few months. Much of that time has been marked by constant arguments, or complaints about my failings, or sullen silences, or constant nagging. Frankly, I’m not used to that kind of treatment on the basis of previous relationships. [/quote]

Isn’t this what happened to TomHill???

@pulpwriter

And yet from when I met her up to recently it was sweetness and light, really, it was. It was utterly lovely. My friends couldn’t get enough of her. They thought I’d be nuts to let her slip away. A few months after we met she returned to Taiwan to start a job, so I came over for a couple of weeks to stay with her and, to be frank, make sure she was reasonably sane before committing myself further. Again, sweetness and light.

Again…sounds similiar to Mr Hill’s story…

@pulpwriter

So I decided to come over here semi-permanently to be with her (with a view to us going back overseas at some eventual point).

More of the same… Seems like a trend developing.

@pulpwriter

She’s had some terrible past experiences with relationships, and I mean terrible. It makes me careful to be as understanding as possible. I don’t hit her (anyone who does hit a woman deserves to go straight to hell), like at least one ex frequently did. I don’t play games with her head and tell her what a terrible person she is, like some have. I tell her how nice she looks, how proud I am of her, how happy she makes me.

Sadly, this seems to be par for the course for many Taiwanese women…

@pulpwriter

Yet the reality appears to be that nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever apparently make that woman happy. Hence the nagging.

That’s women, innit? Have to keep them on their toes, or else they get comfortable and start to find things to nag about…

[quote=“pulpwriter”]Here’s an example. She has a basketball. I am not a sporty person. I have no great interest in watching or participating in sports. She is, by contrast, reasonably sporty, likes rugby, used to go to a gym. By the way of getting out and having some fun of an evening, I suggested we take the basketball down to a local park and, I don’t know, just bounce it around and have some fun or something since I spend most of my day in an office chair in front of a monitor.

We went to the park. Over the next hour, I was loudly berated, lambasted and shouted at for:

• Not being able to dribble a basketball properly (despite my having a bad back and having never played basketball); [/quote]

What you should have done is counter with, “Well, back home the only people who play basketball are women. Only difference is we call it netball!”

[quote=“pulpwriter”]
• For not wanting to stand and watch a bunch of other people playing basketball (because I just wanted to fuck around with a ball with my gf, for christ’s sakes, not ‘get tips on proper technique’; [/quote]

Again, could have countered with, “Well, back home, seeing as it’s only the women-folk who play ‘basketball/netball’, at least we have something better to look at than a pack of sweaty blokes. Geez women!! Do you want a man or a fairy? I have better things to do than stand around gawking at boys loose wristing a ball…”

@pulpwriter

• For not wanting to use a hoop in a court otherwise occupied by lean and strong kids in order to treat them to [color=red]the sight of a balding shortsighted forty-something with a bad back[/color] attempting to put a ball through a hoop, a task which, I might add, I couldn’t manage when I was fifteen yet alone the age I am now;

Ok, even I don’t have a smart alec come-back for that one…

@pulpwriter

• For not knowing who the hell somebody-else-or-other-is (a famous rugby player apparently);

Shoulda asked me, mate? For future reference, seeing as you’re a Brit, counter with, “Listen sister! If it aint Johnny Wilkinson (England’s Flyhalf - No.10) I’m not bloody interested!”

@pulpwriter

• For ‘drifting along in life’ when in fact I’m a highly motivated, skilled and ambitious person working in the arts who’s been nominated for related awards;

edited Bad advice on my part…

[quote=“pulpwriter”]
• And so on and so forth. And let’s not forget the ‘piece de resistance’, that she ‘should have been going out with someone sporty’.[/quote]

Ouch! edited Bad advice on my part…

@pulpwriter

Which she has, by the way - gone out with someone sporty, that is - except he used to pick her up and throw her at the wall for looking at him funny, whereas I make her cups of tea, buy her flowers and rub her feet when she gets back after work.

I’m no expert, but I think this is your problem right here. You’re too nice. Gotta go off the rails sometimes. Things like, calling from the computer, “Hey! Where’s my coffee at?” or “What’s a man gotta do to get laid around here? Not in the mood, hey? Ok, going our for a few pints with the lads. See you when I get back.”

@pulpwriter

And then there’s the time she demanded access to my email in order to find out if I was cheating on her. Let’s be absolutely clear, this came flying out of the blue. There was NO reason for her to think this, and I do. Not. Mess around. I was berated and nagged over a 24 hour period into giving her my user details for my facebook account, something I still regret giving in to, so that she could then scan the contents of my mail for evidence of wrongdoing - none of which was present. And then she suggested I must have - wait for it - deleted the proof of screwing around before giving her my user details. Which is impressive, coming from a girl who just before she met me used to get off with her married Professor on a regular basis (this was okay, apparently, since she didn’t actually go to bed with him).

That happens. My wife also asked for my details once. I just said no. When she started to nag about it I started walking into the bathroom while she was using it, etc… She got the point.

@pulpwriter

So why do I stick around? Poor sap that I am, I’m in love with her, and I came this far because I believed I’d found someone I really did want to spend the rest of my life with. But there are limits, and maybe I’m reaching mine, even if the idea of returning home alone and without her feels like an absolute, gigantic admission of personal failure. I wanted to think finally I’d found someone I could be happy with, and we were - until I moved into her flat, and the mindboggling nagging began in earnest. So right now I wonder if it can really possibly work, or if I’m a bad person for wondering if she might really need to speak to a shrink about her self-confessed destructive tendencies.

Try moving out. Not breaking up. Explain to her that you were happier in the relationship before you moved into her apartment and want to re-kindle the feelings you had. Start again kind of thing. Added bonus - If it seems that it isn’t improving, move on with your life. It’ll be easier if you have your own place. You really don’t want to be breaking it off whilst still sharing her home.

@pulpwriter

All right. Sorry for venting quite so much, but after a morning kicked off by an angry several-hours-long silence and her hard, angry stares following a brief, half-awake exchange concerning what I should or shouldn’t be wearing that day (I can dress myself all on my own, thanks), I feel tired, wrung-out, emotionally distraught, when I should be feeling happy at sharing my life with a woman who can at her best be kind, sweet-natured, loving, and enormous fun. [color=red]Maybe you can handle the nagging[/color], but I wonder if I can.

Nope. You’ve done much better than I could have. I’d have move out and moved on long ago. Kudos to you, my friend. And good luck.

[bismarck]

@pulpwriter

Here’s to being a guy; to leaving the dishes to the end of the night; for leaving my shoes lying around; for not getting caught up in ‘casual’ questions about whether it’s all right for her to email an ex of hers since, well, I’m getting emails from my ex even though she’s renting my freaking flat from me and has to contact me, and she’s been engaged for two years; here’s to slobbing around and watching tv; here’s to beer; to not picking up after yourself on demand. It’s great being a guy. I’m going to be one again, instead of some fucking whipping boy. Let’s see who breaks first.

That’s the Spirit! :bravo:

@Monk

There is something about the change, not sure what it is therefore I will not try to analyze it, but in my case shit changed really quick when I got here. And I have heard this from quite a few guys and gals who met their ex’s back home and followed them here.

Yep, there does seem to be something in that. Culture shock, perhaps? Or, perhaps it can be equated with coming home after the Honeymoon?

[TheGingerMan]

@Monk

I refused to carry the tradition of my, cannot keep a wife, father’s side of the family, but finally said f*ck it. I just couldn’t take the shiat anymore, and I guess I am now on my way to carry on my family tradition.

Ain’t that a long bony finger to the eye socket!
I know exactly what you are saying. And with a wistful grimace, one returns to the fold.
Time, the Avenger.
Get Back, to where one once belonged.

[Baas_Babelaas]

Ah, to be 18 and single… which I’m not.

Hoof the woman, join the ranks matey…

[littlepanda]

I didn’t finish reading your article(after the basketball part) because I feel so sad…

Think about what you want ?
Are you happy with her most of the time ?

When there is still love between two persons, there is still a chance to solve the problem but it takes two persons.

There is only men and women in the earth.
Men and women are naturally different, which is nothing to do with culture and race.

I’m a Taiwanese girl.
I have foreigner friends, male and female.
I’ve heard some love stories, Taiwanese girls hurt foreigners, foreigners hurt Taiwanese girls…
I admit that some women are terrible but the same as men.

I apprecriate people who loved and hurt me before, which made me stronger and learned from experiences, happy and sad.

Your life, your choice, no one can help you.

Best wishes for you.
Good luck and be happy !!

[MiakaW]

I think lots of posters had gave you some great advices, I just wanted to let you know that I can related to you. I hope you find out what it is that you want and what makes you happy and go from there. If you are not happy in the relationship then the other person will not either. As you can see, it would be a vicous cycle.

keep us posted!

[headhonchoII]

If people are too different it just may not be possible to make it work. I had a similar experience previously and also it just got worse and worse over a period of 3 years and even got a bit physical in the end (cue the Baba’s story…) . It wasn’t anybody’s fault , just the initial things that make people get together might not be suitable for the long run. Her mentioning the thing about sport, I know that’s not really nice, but to me that’s what she’s looking for, more sporty guy. Also maybe you are looking for somebody who you can talk with without her getting suspicious or flipping out irrationally.
The thing is I knew from about 6 months my own relationship that it wasn’t entirely a good idea but thought maybe it could be fixed , it couldn’t!
Your gf seems pretty immature (I don’t read ‘hurt my previous relationships here’, I read ‘mature’) but it’s hard to judge from outside a relationship.

From finishing that previous relationship I eventually got to date more girls (good fun) and meet my lovely wife with whom I almost never argue and with who I share many interests and see myself spending my life with happily. (Going for an argument count of at least 1 a day to an argument count of 1 a month, I’d go into work having slept 5 hours on average every night…the quality of life difference is tremendous). As far as I know my previous gf is also in a happy relationship.

So my sincere advice to you is to pull the plug on this one, take the loss and open up the possiblity of life again. Plus you are in Taiwan so you can meet loads of cute girls here, loads of them don’t like sport and will be happy to enjoy arty stuff with you. Cheers!

[CanisLupusFamiliaris]

XBOX 360 for the win!!

[TomHill]

[quote=“bismarck”][quote=“pulpwriter”][color=green]Mod Note: Split from Anti-Nagging Tactics, due to “nagging”. Change title as you see fit, Pulpwriter![/color]

(Apologies for the length of what follows, I’d intended this to be quite a short thing, but sometimes the words won’t stop coming. I’d meant to stick to nagging specifically, but the need to vent was overwhelming.)

Reading some of the posts here, I’m beginning to think I’ve been lucky - until now.

A quick bio; I’m living with my TW girlfriend in Taiwan, after having met her back in my home country where she was living and studying. I’ve been with her here for a few months. Much of that time has been marked by constant arguments, or complaints about my failings, or sullen silences, or constant nagging. Frankly, I’m not used to that kind of treatment on the basis of previous relationships. [/quote]

Isn’t this what happened to TomHill???

@pulpwriter

And yet from when I met her up to recently it was sweetness and light, really, it was. It was utterly lovely. My friends couldn’t get enough of her. They thought I’d be nuts to let her slip away. A few months after we met she returned to Taiwan to start a job, so I came over for a couple of weeks to stay with her and, to be frank, make sure she was reasonably sane before committing myself further. Again, sweetness and light.

Again…sounds similiar to Mr Hill’s story…

@pulpwriter

So I decided to come over here semi-permanently to be with her (with a view to us going back overseas at some eventual point).

More of the same… Seems like a trend developing.

@pulpwriter

She’s had some terrible past experiences with relationships, and I mean terrible. It makes me careful to be as understanding as possible. I don’t hit her (anyone who does hit a woman deserves to go straight to hell), like at least one ex frequently did. I don’t play games with her head and tell her what a terrible person she is, like some have. I tell her how nice she looks, how proud I am of her, how happy she makes me.

Sadly, this seems to be par for the course for many Taiwanese women…

[/quote]

Yes, are we the same person? From porn angel to nag bitch in one short plane ride. I think the freedom of the west changes them, but once home their culture, and daddies gaze, turns them back into the nagging bitches they always were.

Pulpwriter… the story either ends with you drunk and browbeaten, or with you drunk and liberated. I chose option 2. The beer loves you. It always will.

[tommy525]

AT the end of the day you have to be a good fit for each other. She doesnt sound like a good fit by a long shot.

Sounded like my ex. And theres the reason shes my ex. NOt made for each other we were. Definitely not.

[Quentin]

Why do people create such angst over such simple issues? When all you and everybody in the world wants is simply to get laid. Why do we make this relationship stuff so complicated? I just want somebody cute that I can fuck. That’s all 99% of everybody in the world wants. Why do we have to screw things up by making it more complicated than that?

(My tongue is only mildly in cheek)

[Tomas]

Because not everyone is so enamored of such a shallow approach to life.

[jdsmith]

The key is to find someone who floats your boat and is as shallow as you are.

[Buttercup]

Shallow is good. A transparent heart who respond without complexity/dissembling, with little ego is golden. See-through gold, obviously.

The glass onion is a myth. We are ‘deep’ because we’re full of shit.

[Buttercup]

-s

[tommy525]

Yes I agree…we need to get back down to basics…me TArzan you Jane

[Quentin]

A good friend of mine told me that most guys should think with their dick less often, but that I should think with my dick more often.

[ychigo]

@Quentin

A good friend of mine told me that most guys should think with their dick less often, but that I should think with my dick more often.

LOL, I was told the same thing…

[afterspivak]

Reviving this thread to assure you that no, “relationship problems” are not a thing of the past. This is one way to handle them.

Brian Hioe 丘琦欣

Brian Hioe 丘琦欣

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