I know that this sounds prety silly, but I believe that CNY is something important for Taiwanese people… so I need some advice.
I’ve been living with my gf for about 3 years. I came here for her. However, it is a complicated situation and relationship, and I feel that the best we can do is to break up. I love her and care about her, but there are many reasons for cutting the relationship. I think that I finally made my mind with this regards…
i know it’s going to be something painful (for both, but may be more for her), and I really feel like to do it as soon as possible, but there are two things that are making me hold on:
I want her to enjoy CNY and not to be at home totally fucked up. I could just take my bike and look for lonely adventures, but I can’t leave her like that…
during CNY the family gathers, and if I don’t show up, I have serious doubts about how supportive her family would be with her; “I told you” and that sort of things
yet one more thing: her big brother is quite fucked up… he’s got cancer and he seems terminal (I hope he will recover, but chances are… none? however, he’s a guy with balls, he always has been, I really hope he recovers…). I don’t want to add sadness to an already sad moment…
So… what do you guys think? is CNY something to wait for before the story comes to its end? and even more… should I tell her brother about my intentions? he always was good to me, he was the only one speaking Spanish and English who cared to make me feel comfortable (I think). I owe him that. And to disappear without saying anything to him sounds like terribly unpolite. But in the other hand, I don’t want to add extra worries…
I used to have a neighbor in the studio apartment I rented when I was still single. they don’t fight the whole year, except right before the eve of CNY. then they let it all out, they shout at each other all night! but they never broke up! I am married with two kids now and they are still a couple (albeit, with no kids) and still live in the same studio apartment 15 years later.
Point is, a relationship is always a work in progress, whether you’re married or just living together. It’s not always a bed of roses. In fact, those trials are what makes the relationship stronger, if you are able to resolve it.
As far as I can tell, you’re just having some sort of personal crisis. You still care for the girl, still care for her family, still care what her family will say to her about you.
Why don’t you just try to get some space for a period of time first? Spend a couple of months away from her, maybe even do a couple of one-nighters if you feel like it. Sometimes, people don’t appreciate what they’ve got until it is gone. Then it is too late to get it back.
Saint, it was funny end reading your advice and then read your signature
I know what you mean, but there are many other factors. I have tried to improve the relationship, to workaround the problems, etc… . But there are reasons for making this decision. And I don’t really feel like to share it on Internet, more over when my nick is my name… and even if my nick were different.
Anyway, you made a good point. To separate. But I don’t really know how to do it. And also… as I saiod, I’ve been thinking about this for so long and to make it even longer is not going to solve anything, I’m afraid.
Sorry to hear about that. I’m actually in a horribly similar dilemma at the moment, so I probably can’t offer much help, but FWIW: I agree with dasaint that you should spend some time away. Probably not a great time to do it, what with it being CNY and all, but you could possibly find some excuse to just leave the country for a bit and spend some time with your family (“family emergency”?). I just did exactly this and it certainly does put things in perspective - although that means, now I know what needs doing, I have to actually do it. The one-nighter thing I would not recommend, partly because it will mess with your head, partly because you might well end up with some unpleasant disease which you will pass on to gf if you decide to stay together, and partly because it’s just … creepy.
My thinking at the moment is “before new year”, but I’m a gutless excuse for a human being and just can’t seem to do it.
[quote=“finley”]Sorry to hear about that. I’m actually in a horribly similar dilemma at the moment, so I probably can’t offer much help, but FWIW: I agree with dasaint that you should spend some time away. Probably not a great time to do it, what with it being CNY and all, but you could possibly find some excuse to just leave the country for a bit and spend some time with your family (“family emergency”?). I just did exactly this and it certainly does put things in perspective - although that means, now I know what needs doing, I have to actually do it. The one-nighter thing I would not recommend, partly because it will mess with your head, partly because you might well end up with some unpleasant disease which you will pass on to gf if you decide to stay together, and partly because it’s just … creepy.
My thinking at the moment is “before new year”, but I’m a gutless excuse for a human being and just can’t seem to do it.[/quote]
The thing is that I’m just back from Christmas in my country. And it put things in perspective, although I came with the idea of improving and save (when possible) the relationship. But I just realized that it can’t be. In example, may be she was right all the time, and I was trying to change her, beyond what it’s acceptable. But it’s just one thing.
So, how CNY would affect the whole thing? how about her brother, should I tell him the last time I see him… that it would be so because of this reason?
It’s a tough one, if you are set on breaking up, you could stall for a bit, women have keen senses though, something might boil over before you get the right timing.
There’s never really a right time though especially if you are living with somebody.
Well, pretending everything’s just fine is going to be a bit awkward, innit? That’s the bit I’m not looking forward to.
At least if you do it before CNY she can drown her sorrows with the family for a few days.[/quote]
But CNY is supossedly a time of joy, and I’m not sure how supportive her family would be, and how many days she would actually spend with them… uhm. Or may be I just want to postpone it because I’m postponing the pain…
Well, pretending everything’s just fine is going to be a bit awkward, innit? That’s the bit I’m not looking forward to.
At least if you do it before CNY she can drown her sorrows with the family for a few days.[/quote]
She already knows. Give her a few days to deal with it where she doesn’t have to cry in the toilets at work.[/quote]
to read that comment was… . however, may be you made a point. Not sure if she knows though. I mean, she might have found me colder than usual, but she couldn’t be certain about that. Not even am I.
to read that comment was… . however, may be you made a point. Not sure if she knows though. I mean, she might have found me colder than usual, but she couldn’t be certain about that. Not even am I.[/quote]
Well, I might be wrong: don’t mean to make assumptions. What I mean is that it won’t be nice for her to sit through new year with an ‘atmosphere’, and if you do it before the holiday, she’ll have time to compose herself before she goes back to work.
If it were me, I wouldn’t want you to stay with me an extra few weeks out of pity. Sweet of you to do that, but rip off the band aid in one go, don’t prolong the torture for either party. If i found out you were only with me during a festive time out of pity, it would make me feel crappier. Clear the air before a new year, right? Start afresh, right?
As for the brother, maybe send him an email weeks later wishing him well and though it didnt work out with his sis and you, you wish him well, something like that.
thanks for all the advices. It´s not only pity what makes me incline towards the after CNY option. However, may be you guys are right, and that’s why most of you think taht way. Now, every case is different and I will try to think this by myself very carefully…
And I´ll try to transmit her possitive feelings, if that’s possible and I also can find any inside me…
Ask yourself: If you don’t do it now, will you be able to do it later? It’s easy to postpone once, and then again, and then keep postponing forever…
Besides, at CNY the family is all going to be asking her when you guys are getting married.
But what about, as an alternative, talking it out with her? Sit her down and tell her exactly why you want to break it off, and see what she thinks and if she responds in a constructive way. If there is a way to repair it, you guys can work together, and if there isn’t, you can end it then and there.
Good luck and I hope you both can return to life as normal soon, whichever form that takes.
CNY is not usually a happy family time, unless the family is close knit already. In which case, they will provide a support group. It can also be an awkward, tense time, really not a good time if a couple is already faltering. Plus, if it is indeed inevitable, could be the sooner the better. However, there is no way this is not going to hurt, 3 years together is a long time, too many memories, too many shared issues. Of course there are positive feelings, otherwise, how did you come across the world for her? Talk it out, talk it thoroughly, talk it truly. Really sorry for you both going through this rough patch, Chus.
[quote=“Hokwongwei”]Ask yourself: If you don’t do it now, will you be able to do it later? It’s easy to postpone once, and then again, and then keep postponing forever…
Besides, at CNY the family is all going to be asking her when you guys are getting married.
But what about, as an alternative, talking it out with her? Sit her down and tell her exactly why you want to break it off, and see what she thinks and if she responds in a constructive way. If there is a way to repair it, you guys can work together, and if there isn’t, you can end it then and there.
Good luck and I hope you both can return to life as normal soon, whichever form that takes.[/quote]
Uhmmm, today I woke up like looking again for the reasons for breaking up. I’m already missing my life with her, although I know that there are enough reasons for separating. One of the reasons is indeed severe communication problems. I know what her answer is going to be: “OK, so leave me”. And that will be all, I think. Other times, when she felt that that’s what I wanted, she said it.
If I got you right, you think that it could make sense to wait until after CNY is over. I think that right now it’s a very bad moment for this to happen, but I might be wrong… and that’s why I’m seeking for some wise words…