Same-sex friends and relationships

Life Dating & Relationships
21

[quote=“Battlepanda”]Like I said before, I’ve mostly had 50/50 ratio between male and female friends. And I have NEVER been in a situation like the above. And I like to think, you know, that I’m not totally unattractive to the male of the species.

In fact, I’m sure some of my friends have been attracted to me and I have been attracted to some of my friends, but that doesn’t make our friendships any less real or somehow dependent on the sick dynamic you described.[/quote]

I don’t think llary is really trying to portray some sort of “sick dynamic” or that a friendship is less real when two people are attracted to each other.

I think all he’s trying to say is that if a guy finds a girl attractive at the beginning, he’s always going have some nice feelings for her, whether they surface or not.

He’s just saying that guys who are supernice to girls do it cause basically, they like the girl. Secretly or otherwise.

22

[quote=“twonavels”]

  1. I have very few female friends, mostly male friends. Is that wrong? Especially if some of them do become friends-with-benefits, if I’m not in a relationship? Since I’m in a relationship now I don’t know where I’m at anymore. It seems impossible for me to keep any of my friends.

  2. Would it be better for me to be single even though I really like my boyfriend? I’m stuck between…is there something wrong with me, is there something wrong with this relationship?

3a. How many of the men here has successfully been able to keep their female friends, and
3b. how many women have been able to keep their male friends, even with their relationship?
3c. Or is it just something you have to give up?[/quote]

I’m the listening type, so I’ll keep my comments related to your original questions instead of threadjacking your post like some other people who shall remain nameless. :wink:

  1. It’s not ‘wrong.’ Seems you understand the friends-with-benefits role well; impressive… most impressive.

  2. I don’t know. Maybe there is something wrong with your relationship; or maybe you just have an above average appetite for sex–which is still ‘normal.’ Trust me, plenty of people (married, engaged, or otherwise) go through the ‘If-I-Were-Single’ scenario every day… sometimes multiple times a day. Don’t beat yourself over the head too much over this–it’s very common.

3a. I’ve been able to keep a few female friends but with a few unspoken ‘rules.’ For example: don’t go on-and-on about how great the other girl(s) is (“if she’s SOOOOO great, why don’t you marry HER?!?”); don’t go to too many functions alone with just the other girl(s) ("OMG, you hang out with her more than me!!); when you are with your SO, make sure the time you spend with her does not get interrupted because of your female friend(s) (GAWD, must she also take OUR time too!!! It’s not like you don’t practically spend all your other time with her!!1!); be sure to downplay the positives of the other friend(s) or point out the ‘flaws’ (“So, she can’t cook/drive/paint like I do, eh? You are lucky that you have me, then.”) etc. There are plenty more examples (maybe I should write a book, heh), but you get the picture.

Oh, almost forgot the most important unspoken rule: don’t fuck around with your other male friends whilst in your relationship. You break that rule, and you’ll have no excuse or defense with your new SO to keep those other friends. No one in their right mind will want you to keep those other friends.

If you want to play with fire, accept the burn pains without complaint when they come. If you don’t want any burns, then don’t play with fire. Simple.

3b. Not applicable for me; I’m not female.

3c. You don’t have to give them up; but you should at least think about the reasons why you want to keep them and why you may want to give them up. Be honest with yourself and keep an open mind.

Now, I can finish reading all the other replies the threadjackers posted here. :wink:

23

[quote=“lupillus”]I don’t think llary is really trying to portray some sort of “sick dynamic” or that a friendship is less real when two people are attracted to each other.

I think all he’s trying to say is that if a guy finds a girl attractive at the beginning, he’s always going have some nice feelings for her, whether they surface or not.

He’s just saying that guys who are supernice to girls do it cause basically, they like the girl. Secretly or otherwise.[/quote]

Woohoo, lupillus totally gets it :bravo:

Sure, I have female friends who are no less friends than my male friends but there is no way I could say the friendship dynamics are the same. It’s just perfectly natural for men to find women attractive, and there’s no switch that flicks off just because you’re suddenly ‘friends’ now.

Men will always be that bit nicer or more forgiving to an attractive female friend - let’s just be honest about it!

24

So what happens if you’re bi? Can’t have any friends at all?

25

Did fred turn you down?

26

twonavels:

How does your boyfriend feel about you having lots of male friends? If it’s not a problem for him, I don’t see why it should be a problem for you, unless you can’t help yourself…

27

[quote=“twonavels”]I think a major warning sign to look for in a man is a man who thinks that male to female friendships always have some sexual undertones.

I got that one from SuchaFob from the warning signs thread, but it has got me thinking. Is it really a warning sign? I seem to fit the criteria put out as a warning sign for women…I have very few female friends, mostly male friends. Is that wrong? Especially if some of them do become friends-with-benefits, if I’m not in a relationship? Since I’m in a relationship now I don’t know where I’m at anymore. It seems impossible for me to keep any of my friends.
Would it be better for me to be single even though I really like my boyfriend? I’m stuck between…is there something wrong with me, is there something wrong with this relationship?

How many of the men here has successfully been able to keep their female friends, and how many women have been able to keep their male friends, even with their relationship? Or is it just something you have to give up?[/quote]

I lost a very good friend in part to his relationship. I believe that our friendship would have been a source of conflict, but there also were other factors to friendship dissolving. I miss him dearly but Ce’ La vie.

Nothing is wrong with you as after living in Taiwan and having mostly male friends I’ve come to realize men are far better than women for friendships. They tend to be more honest, jealousy isn’t always an issue and far better gossipers: lol:

I don’t know how I would handle having a bf that has close relationships with women. But I do know that if he weren’t acting trustworthy or honest about them, then it would probably better to let the relationship go. It’s better for both parties to be happy with what makes them happy rather than trying to make someone give up something because of something they ‘fear’.

28

Llary, lupillus,
Let me explain myself a little better. Hopefully this isn’t going to be considered threadjacking since I think it might pertain to the OP’s situation as well.

I have never lost a friend due to the fact that they’re attracted to me or vice versa. Of course, one-sided attraction happens, and it has got nothing to do with “men are wired”, because of course, duh, I find guys attractive too.

On the other hand, one of my friends who shall remain unnamed is forever complaining about sexual tension poisoning her friendships with men and losing her closest guy friends because “guys can’t handle” being just a friend.

So what’s the difference? I don’t treat my male friends as faux-boyfriends. I don’t lean my head on their shoulders. I don’t call them late at night when I’m lonely and the guy I’m actually into haven’t gotten in touch. I don’t flirt with them unless boundaries are extremely firmly established, or of course, if I think there might be something there.

So, what happens is, guys wait on my friend hand and foot, then realize waiting on her hand and foot is not going to get them into her pants, gets bitter, friendship’s over.

Perhaps I’ll take back the “sick dynamic” bit, but I do think that if the OP wants to keep her friendships, especially in the face of a new relationship she should make sure that she’s friends with her friends because of common interests and not sexual attraction.

Because my guy friends are important to me, I find it a little trivializing when people assume that men only bother being friends with women because they’re hot while women delude themselves into thinking that it might be because they are interesting people. Maybe this is not Llary’s point of view, but it’s a common one. And it’s what comes to mind when I read this bit that he posted earlier:

[quote]I’m sorry, but guys cannot be ‘just friends’ with girls unless the guy is gay or the girl is ugly and/or the guy already has someone much more attractive than the girl.

I know you ladies refuse to believe this but it’s true. Men are just wired to assess females by sexual potential, subconciously or otherwise. [/quote]

29

That reminds of the George Carlin joke about how mindblowing it must be to be bisexual. “Imagine wanting to have sex with every single person you meet!”

BTW, isn’t it common knowledge that most women are at least a little bit bi, anyway? So I think this whole issue shouldn’t be as much of a problem for women as it is for men, as men tend to be more compartmentalized and inflexible.

30

[quote=“Quentin”]
That reminds of the George Carlin joke about how mindblowing it must be to be bisexual. “Imagine wanting to have sex with every single person you meet!”[/quote]

Soooooooooo. For snobby bitches like me it is twice the number of people you can look at and go “Naw!” about!

31

twonavels, i agree with battlepanda: if your bf wants you to give up your male friends, he might not be the right guy for you. you might be able to change him by showing him that you won’t cheat on him by letting him know where you’ll be all the time, giving him 24/7 phone access to you etc. But do you really want to put all that energy into making him feel more secure? also, if you can be happy with “friends/with benefits”, something totally alien to me, why do you need a relationship based on being sexually faithful anyway?

32

[/quote]SuchAFob[quote]Soooooooooo. For snobby bitches like me it is twice the number of people you can look at and go “Naw!” about![/quote]

my life story…but there’s always X-Mas :smiley:

33

I have lots of platonic guy friends with no crossover, but that’s got to be because I’m as ugly as sin and weigh so much a hippo would wince if I asked for a piggyback ride. On the plus side, it certainly makes life less complicated knowing where I stand…at the bottom, holding it up to help others climb.

I agree with the ladder theory except the part about money and power being the chief motivators for women. I’d say they would be second to the attractiveness mini-pie. I also don’t believe women have two separate ladders, but rather rank some special people below the “even if he were the last man on earth” rung. The author comes from a bitter side and does not realize that women are a bit more receptive than his experiences dictate. I mean doesn’t he know women, in general, are far hornier than men, but most men fling themselves at those whose “ladders” are allowed to be much taller than those of us mere mortals and therefore subject themselves to more rejection.

34

that ladder thing is dumb. women choose men for all sorts of reasons, some better than others. my husband has a middle school education and i went to an ivy league- how does that work out with the ladder/pie chart theory? there are lots of women who make more money than their husbands, too. i think this pie chart thing where the women mainly pick men based on their money/power is just a way to make some rejected males feel better- ‘she definitely would have picked me if i just had more money’, where actually the woman doesn’t care how much money he has, she wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole, or, more commonly, she just didn’t feel any chemistry. also, the hormones do calm down with age and hopefully wisdom born from painful mistakes makes both sexes better at choosing companions. i know my brother went from an unhappy marriage to a woman who was strikingly
beautiful to a happy marriage with a much heavier woman without neuroses and who cares about building up his esteem instead of tearing it down. so they both learned from their first marriages, although i do hear that the rate of divorce is higher for second marriages.

35

That’s satire for you. I thought it was pretty funny.

So what? I never finished high school, what does education have to do with this?

Wrong. The pie chart thing is a comedy device. You know, satire and all that.

But men do generally pick women based on looks and women do generally pick men based on money/power. Not to recognise this would be somewhat naieve, no? Come on, how do you think guys like Peter Stringfellow or Donald Trump can be ugly as sin and have ten women hanging off each arm? Hint: it’s not because they’re, like, so sensitive.

36

Haha, I love it :slight_smile:

37

i tied educational level to earning potential which was dumb. i think most women choosing men because of money/power, if it were true, must be declining since women can get their own money/power more readily now than at any time in our past. in the money vs looks, i chose my husband for his good looks, forceful personality, and sense of humor, not because he had lots of money, which neither of us had at the time.

38

Are you familiar with the letters “BBW” and “FA”…? (I am!)

A few google-searches, and you could be “holding up the bottom” for others to climb on for their piggy-back ride! :astonished:

39

I have more male friends than female because there are more English speaking male expats here than female. My friends tend not to be dullards who use every human interaction as a chance to fuck someone.

Sometimes boyfriendish guys get jealous, but jealous guys tend to be cheaters anyway, which I don’t tolerate. It’s actually quite a good indicator.

40

I also have more male friends than female friends, mostly because I’m not allowed to go into the bathroom with my female friends.