Hi, I have been reading Forumosa for a few months since I met a Taiwanese girl. I find this forum very interesting and I hope to find some more answers by posting my first topic.
I met this nice Taiwanese girl in Australia and after seeing each others a few days per month because of the distance, we are now finally going to live together. Though, there are a couple of things that concern me.
The first is that often she doesn’t answer my calls and sometimes she takes a few days to call me back. She explained that she love me and that she really wants to live with me but that with her previous boyfriends she was used to talk on the phone only once per week. I’m european and this behaviour freaks me out. I wonder if it is normal in Taiwan.
The other issue is that she has a scar on her wrist, I tried to ask her what happened (I mean, it is pretty clear what happened but I would like to know why she did it) but she doesn’t want to talk about it so I decided to wait for a while. How would you deal with that? It is the first time I met a person that tried to commit suicide and I’m worried it may happen again in the future.
Sorry to bother you with these questions but I really care about this girl and I have never been with a person coming from such a different cultural background. I hope you can make my ideas a bit more clear. Thank you
All I know is that long distance relationships are the worst thing in the World. I’ll never do one again, UNLESS, the relationship is at a very serious state.
Well…now it is getting very serious and we are going to start to live together in a few days. Thanks God the long distance thing came to an end. I Love the girl and I think she loves me too. I’m just a bit scared because of those two reasons.
I feel very strange that she tells me she love me, that she started to send her things to my place, that she talks about how our future together will be, and then I can’t talk to her for 2-3 days. If I was dealing with a european girl I would take it for sure like a sign of disinterest and untrue love…but maybe this attitude is normal in Taiwan…is it?
[quote=“Mortimer”]Well…now it is getting very serious and we are going to start to live together in a few days. Thanks God the long distance thing came to an end. I Love the girl and I think she loves me too. I’m just a bit scared because of those two reasons.
I feel very strange that she tells me she love me, that she started to send her things to my place, that she talks about how our future together will be, and then I can’t talk to her for 2-3 days. If I was dealing with a european girl I would take it for sure like a sign of disinterest and untrue love…but maybe this attitude is normal in Taiwan…is it?[/quote]
Dear Mortimer,
Welcome to Forumosa. I have to say that I don’t think it’s usual for a girl who is in love, and especially a Taiwanese girl, in love or not, to talk so infrequently to the object of her affections. Maybe your girl is special or different than most? I would say for sure that most Taiwanese girls like to keep a pretty short leash on their men, so they call or text quite often. Most women anywhere who are in love with a man usually like talking to him quite often, I’d say.
About the wrist scar . . . . Well, if you had such a scar, would you be happy to talk about it? I think I’d want to know what happened, though, and how things have changed since then, before I married.
You know your friend as a person. All any of us here can do is guess according to our perceived stereotypical norms. And anyway, you’ve already decided to live with her, so you’ll soon enough find out anything you need to know. Enjoy your love and happiness, and may it last for a lifetime!
1)Agree with Housecat. Anyone making that cohabitation move generally has done a lot of “work” before hand. I.E. the couple talks alot
or spends a lot of time at the designated house to move in, hence why someone is moving in. I would be suspect of a guy who I couldn’t talk to often.
As the scar on the wrist, if you think it’s suicide and that bothers you, you may want to raise the question again with reassurance that
you are seeking to understand a)how long ago it happened. b) to determine if she’s healed from the situation c)and whether or not you can handle
someone with such emotional baggage. Love heals all wounds and what not, but not without patience. If you don’t have those to
it could pose a problem in the beginning.
Best of luck M. You’ve asked some valid questions.
Thank you very much for your posts. Yes, it’s probably just a matter of time now and I’ll get all the answers I’m looking for…well, at least some of them.
I would honestly urge you to read up, or speak to a few guys that have dealt with the psycho xiao jie syndrome. It’s not to be taken lightly. This culture tends to breed some real classics.
If your completely prepared for the tantrums and suicide when you realize this isn’t going to work then by all means continue.
I for one will never get involved with a girl like this again. Some relationships are not good matches and either person should be able to decide to move on without such theatrics or suicide. I have known a few guys that actually had to move, to sneak away, change jobs, the whole nine yards.
There are some great Chinese/TW girls out there, but there are clearly a lot of insanely immature ones also. To be fair, this also seems to go for the men as there seem to be a lot of men that think its ok to use the wife/gf as a punching bag.
I have never known an Asian girl that didn’t keep in touch all the time unless she was running off with another man. Most of them will smother you and would never go a day without seeing, texting, or phoning you.
Don’t blindly ignore the warning signs, keep your eyes open.
If she has tried to commit suicide its obviously not something to discuss lightly about. Do not go there until you are very comfy with each other. I had a gf who also tried to commit suicide (before we met). And that was after her ex boyfriend really did commit suicide!! It wasnt something I discussed with her very soon in our relationship. And we had several good years of relationship with no crazy tendencies on her part or mine. We later drifted apart in a nice way. So the fact that she did try to commit suicide does not in itself mean she has a personality disorder. Sometimes in life things really can get out of hand, some handle it better, others do not. She was faced with a situation that was hard for her to handle for awhile.
But that being said, you should know that this girl probably is pretty intense as a person. So obviously if you intend to get serious with her and live with her, then be ready to be serious with her as well. The fact that she doesnt contact you for days at a time is in itself not necessarily problematic. I think you need to chill and take it easy with her and let her come around. Shes doing it at her pace. Maybe shes afraid to be dependent on you emotionally right off the top because maybe it will be destructive to her if it didnt work out and she was totally dependent on you already?
So I would suggest not pressing her. Let her come around. But I would “mess” with this girl only if I intended to go the distance if it came to that.
How long have you been dating? There could be other explanations for her scars. Maybe she is just busy and not needy, could be a good thing. The pyscho girl phenomenon has nothing to do with being a Taiwanese girl. If she starts monitoring your cell phone, ABORT :aiyo:
Mortimer:
Do not confuse the heart and the head.
Go slow, as a problem child myself, that’s what’s best.
All around. Seek for dialogue. All you’ve been is good and gone. All you keep is the getting there.
The very fact she doesn’t return calls until a few days after raises serious questions.
Taiwanese (girls) carry their phones everywhere.
They’re an appendage to their bodies. They can’t function without them. So her doing this is strange.
And this is someone you are moving in with!
If it were me, I would not move in with her and see how the relationship works out when you two are in the same town living in your own place.
She always tell me that she is very busy because a lot of her friends are leaving the city where she lives now and since they will not see each others never again they are spending a lot of time together (they were working together and the factory went in big troubles). I understand they are very important for her coz they have been her only family here so far. She told me that she wants to talk to me for a long time when she calls me, that she doesn’t like to talk for five minutes and so on, and that of course she is sorry for that. But still I feel it is strange she can’t find more time to talk to me or even to reply to a message in a reasonable time.
I don’t think there are others men in her life, but I have a constant feeling that she put her friends always before me. In part she admit it but justify it saying that we will have a long way to go together so now she wants to give some attention to her friends.
I don’t mind it but I would expect a bit more of involvement from someone that says to be in love with me.
[quote=“tommy525”]Yes probably should date a year or two before moving in together. And another 2 years of living together to assess if marrying is a good thing.
[/quote]
Yes, I think you are right, we are probably rushing in because here is very expensive to rent a place where to live and so we would be able to split the rent. Also, after seeing each others a few days per months we would like to spend a lot of time together. We both decided to remain in this country mostly because we met, so things became serious pretty quickly also for this reason.
She always tell me that she is very busy because a lot of her friends are leaving the city where she lives now and since they will not see each others never again they are spending a lot of time together (they were working together and the factory went in big troubles). I understand they are very important for her because they have been her only family here so far. She told me that she wants to talk to me for a long time when she calls me, that she doesn’t like to talk for five minutes and so on, and that of course she is sorry for that. But still I feel it is strange she can’t find more time to talk to me or even to reply to a message in a reasonable time.
I don’t think there are others men in her life, but I have a constant feeling that she put her friends always before me. In part she admit it but justify it saying that we will have a long way to go together so now she wants to give some attention to her friends.
I don’t mind it but I would expect a bit more of involvement from someone that says to be in love with me.[/quote]
Friendships are important, AFAIK, in Taiwanese/Asian culture. They aren’t taken lightly as they are in the West. They are developed and maintained over several years as these friendships can serve a person in a variety of ways. So, it seems that you are getting your first taste the culture thru this and will have to learn how to being to adapt to these cultural differences. Which,IMO, really boil down to trust.
No offense, but I’ve noticed this a lot with men who have a problem with their SO’s not giving them enough time and attention. It’s not all men but rather I’ve just noticed it with men who aren’t really secure within themselves or are looking for a level of validation. Now, if that’s not you, then ignore the comment/observation. But if pushes a button, perhaps you may have to ask yourself why you need her to give you a great deal of attention, especially at the start of your relationship?
I’ve found that the majority, not all, females of Taiwan are utter nut cases until the age of 35+ or so. Then it seems like some genetic survival program of common sense and reality clicks on and they seem to “just get it” about life and what it really means.
Just one of my opinions and observations.
Of course many males seem to be enthralled with this pyscho-xiaojie squeaky toy phenomenon. Not saying you are. But for many males it feeds a weird part of their id & ego. (non-threatening and non-competing with their un-developed masculinity - again, not saying this is you - just a general wise-ass observation on my part)
Yes, you are probably right. I think we have a different idea of friendship. I noticed she receives a lot of help from her friends, probably more than what I receive from mine, and this explain why they are so important for her. It makes really sense.
Don’t worry, really no offense, I trust her and I don’t really think she’s messing around. But in effect our cultural difference sometimes makes me less sure than what I would normally be.
