WARNING: pretty pointless, very tonue-in-cheek post ahead.
What kinds of drivers/vehicles do you regularly notice on the streets of Taiwan? Here are a few I seem to see with regularity (in no particular order):
- Average Taiwanese Scooter rider.
Boring, usually slightly dirty scooters, usually break a few traffic rules, do what everyone else in the currently moving pack does, never indicates or checks mirrors before executing manoeuver. Usually travels at the speed limit.
- The Family Wagon
Beat-up 50cc scooters with the incredible ability to carry both parents, their three children, two dogs and week’s worth of groceries all on one vehicle.
- Scooter Punks
Ride fast, flashy, usually modded scooters. Scooter must look cool and have all manner of garish, flashing lights and a conspicuous performance can. The only rule to usually follow is to DISobey every known traffic law. Mirrors are nonexistent, as are turn signals, checking behind/to the sides when you execute a manoeuver. If you are behind a slower driver, you must bob and weave impatiently as you wait to blast through the nearest gap. Flying through red traffic lights gets you bonus points.
- Scooter Morons
A subspecies of Scooter punks, although they usually can’t afford the flash scooters so they just crank their beat up old duke 125 as fast as it can go. Requirements are i) MOST IMPORTANT: NEVER WEAR A HELMET!
ii) Smoke/chew betel nut while you are driving iii) If it is raining, ride faster. iv) NEVER stop or slow down. Red light means go through the intersection faster. iii) You should also wear super-tight jeans, a raggedy shirt, and blue flip flops.
- Tipply-topply grannies
Usually found on ancient, puttering scooters. Ride VERY slowly and with both feet dangling off the side, hovering just above the surface of the road, because this might help you in case you have an accident. :loco:
- Pot-bellied Bin Lang Kings
Are also usually found on ancient, puttering scooters. Requirements: i) MUST chew betel nut while driving ii) Must wear dirty shorts, stained wife-beater and blue flip flops. iii) the only helmet you can wear is a hard-hat. iii) Must spread your legs as far apart as possible whilst driving. iv) smoking whilst driving is optional. iii) You don’t have to drive a scooter, you can also drive an old delivery-style bike.
- The Shitpile
A scooter held together with duct tape, wire, string, grime, rust and boogers. Pisses oil everywhere and usually emits more smoke in a few seconds than emerges from an entire Rastafarian colony in a week. Usually sounds like it’s on the verge of exploding too.
- Scooter Babes
- Scooters Are For Weenies
Usually foreign males who ride gutless Harley-style 150s. Typically wear wrap around shades to add to the hardcoreness, sleeveless muscle tops to show off that hard work spent in the gym and that cheesy tribal tatt, and often sport a skimpily dressed Taiwanese lass on the back seat.
- I think I’m quick
Much less common than, but similar to category (9), except they usually ride NSR/FZR150s or RZR135s, and usually look less “hardcore” than category 9ers, and often lack the skimpily dressed lass on the back due to the highly uncomfortable pillion perches of their machines. Usually found revving their bikes at red lights and trying to beat the scooter punks, and swearing loudly when their bikes break down. Often have road rash/scars.
- The Mini
This is basically a scooter, usually driven by an old woman, which has SO MUCH shit (usually in black plastic bags) strapped/taped/roped/chained to it that it literally has the physical dimensions of a Mini or Beetle car. Normally travels at 5km/h or less due to the fact that it is carrying at least 10 times the maximum load capacity.
- My Bike is Cool
These guys ride small, locally made, four stroke singles that are styled on (and seem to use the technology of) 1950s/60s style cafe-racers. Usually, they are super-shiny, have loads of nice looking bits, a fat-ass superbike-style carbon fiber/titanium exhaust (which still makes it sound like a tractor). They don’t seem to be able to go very fast though.
- My Bike is Cooler
Pretty much the same as category (12) but the bikes seem to be custom made from loads of different parts, and seem a bit faster than category 12ers.
- My Scooter is Compensation for…
Your scooter must at least be 150cc or larger, and MUST have flashy lights all over it, a custom paint job, loads of racing stickers, a performance exhaust, lots of flashy, coloured aluminium aftermarket parts and blue lights. Usually driven by pudgy, middle-aged fellas or younger, 20-something guys with lots of gel in their hair.
- Old People on bicycles/motorised wheelchairs
They think their vehicles are classified as scooters, and thus disobey all traffic rules, and usually laws of logic too. Requirements i) Ride/drive as slowly as humanly possible ii) Never concentrate on the road iii) Never check behind you or to the sides iv) frequently cause accidents or near-accidents by riding through red lights.
- I’m Hardcore
Usually local riders on the latest 1000cc racing machines from Japan, decked out in the flashiest racing leathers money can buy, revving their machines very loudly but riding about as fast as category 5ers. Usually found in the ER of the local hospital.
17 I’m Hardcore (for real)
Often foreign riders of 400-1000cc superbikes. Requirements i) Look down on riders from category (16). ii) Ride a lot faster than the speed limit. iii) Brag to your friends about (ii) (iv) Repeat (iii).
- I’ve Been Here for Centuries
Usually middle aged or older foreign males who ride 150cc or bigger scooters. Found riding all over the island, usually have a good command of Chinese, a Taiwanese wife on the back, dog on the floorboard. Requirements i) Complain about riders from all other categories ii) Mock and scorn riders from categories (9) and (10), talk about the good old days when you had loads of hot local girlfriends, and secretly admire riders from category (17).
Did I miss any? Please don’t take this seriously.