Scooter Stereotypes

WARNING: pretty pointless, very tonue-in-cheek post ahead.

What kinds of drivers/vehicles do you regularly notice on the streets of Taiwan? Here are a few I seem to see with regularity (in no particular order):

  1. Average Taiwanese Scooter rider.

Boring, usually slightly dirty scooters, usually break a few traffic rules, do what everyone else in the currently moving pack does, never indicates or checks mirrors before executing manoeuver. Usually travels at the speed limit.

  1. The Family Wagon

Beat-up 50cc scooters with the incredible ability to carry both parents, their three children, two dogs and week’s worth of groceries all on one vehicle.

  1. Scooter Punks

Ride fast, flashy, usually modded scooters. Scooter must look cool and have all manner of garish, flashing lights and a conspicuous performance can. The only rule to usually follow is to DISobey every known traffic law. Mirrors are nonexistent, as are turn signals, checking behind/to the sides when you execute a manoeuver. If you are behind a slower driver, you must bob and weave impatiently as you wait to blast through the nearest gap. Flying through red traffic lights gets you bonus points.

  1. Scooter Morons

A subspecies of Scooter punks, although they usually can’t afford the flash scooters so they just crank their beat up old duke 125 as fast as it can go. Requirements are i) MOST IMPORTANT: NEVER WEAR A HELMET!
ii) Smoke/chew betel nut while you are driving iii) If it is raining, ride faster. iv) NEVER stop or slow down. Red light means go through the intersection faster. iii) You should also wear super-tight jeans, a raggedy shirt, and blue flip flops.

  1. Tipply-topply grannies

Usually found on ancient, puttering scooters. Ride VERY slowly and with both feet dangling off the side, hovering just above the surface of the road, because this might help you in case you have an accident. :loco:

  1. Pot-bellied Bin Lang Kings

Are also usually found on ancient, puttering scooters. Requirements: i) MUST chew betel nut while driving ii) Must wear dirty shorts, stained wife-beater and blue flip flops. iii) the only helmet you can wear is a hard-hat. iii) Must spread your legs as far apart as possible whilst driving. iv) smoking whilst driving is optional. iii) You don’t have to drive a scooter, you can also drive an old delivery-style bike.

  1. The Shitpile

A scooter held together with duct tape, wire, string, grime, rust and boogers. Pisses oil everywhere and usually emits more smoke in a few seconds than emerges from an entire Rastafarian colony in a week. Usually sounds like it’s on the verge of exploding too.

  1. Scooter Babes

Self explanatory.

  1. Scooters Are For Weenies

Usually foreign males who ride gutless Harley-style 150s. Typically wear wrap around shades to add to the hardcoreness, sleeveless muscle tops to show off that hard work spent in the gym and that cheesy tribal tatt, and often sport a skimpily dressed Taiwanese lass on the back seat.

  1. I think I’m quick

Much less common than, but similar to category (9), except they usually ride NSR/FZR150s or RZR135s, and usually look less “hardcore” than category 9ers, and often lack the skimpily dressed lass on the back due to the highly uncomfortable pillion perches of their machines. Usually found revving their bikes at red lights and trying to beat the scooter punks, and swearing loudly when their bikes break down. Often have road rash/scars.

  1. The Mini

This is basically a scooter, usually driven by an old woman, which has SO MUCH shit (usually in black plastic bags) strapped/taped/roped/chained to it that it literally has the physical dimensions of a Mini or Beetle car. Normally travels at 5km/h or less due to the fact that it is carrying at least 10 times the maximum load capacity.

  1. My Bike is Cool

These guys ride small, locally made, four stroke singles that are styled on (and seem to use the technology of) 1950s/60s style cafe-racers. Usually, they are super-shiny, have loads of nice looking bits, a fat-ass superbike-style carbon fiber/titanium exhaust (which still makes it sound like a tractor). They don’t seem to be able to go very fast though.

  1. My Bike is Cooler

Pretty much the same as category (12) but the bikes seem to be custom made from loads of different parts, and seem a bit faster than category 12ers.

  1. My Scooter is Compensation for…

Your scooter must at least be 150cc or larger, and MUST have flashy lights all over it, a custom paint job, loads of racing stickers, a performance exhaust, lots of flashy, coloured aluminium aftermarket parts and blue lights. Usually driven by pudgy, middle-aged fellas or younger, 20-something guys with lots of gel in their hair.

  1. Old People on bicycles/motorised wheelchairs

They think their vehicles are classified as scooters, and thus disobey all traffic rules, and usually laws of logic too. Requirements i) Ride/drive as slowly as humanly possible ii) Never concentrate on the road iii) Never check behind you or to the sides iv) frequently cause accidents or near-accidents by riding through red lights.

  1. I’m Hardcore

Usually local riders on the latest 1000cc racing machines from Japan, decked out in the flashiest racing leathers money can buy, revving their machines very loudly but riding about as fast as category 5ers. Usually found in the ER of the local hospital.

17 I’m Hardcore (for real)

Often foreign riders of 400-1000cc superbikes. Requirements i) Look down on riders from category (16). ii) Ride a lot faster than the speed limit. iii) Brag to your friends about (ii) (iv) Repeat (iii).

  1. I’ve Been Here for Centuries

Usually middle aged or older foreign males who ride 150cc or bigger scooters. Found riding all over the island, usually have a good command of Chinese, a Taiwanese wife on the back, dog on the floorboard. Requirements i) Complain about riders from all other categories ii) Mock and scorn riders from categories (9) and (10), talk about the good old days when you had loads of hot local girlfriends, and secretly admire riders from category (17).

Did I miss any? Please don’t take this seriously. :rainbow:

Hahaha! Funny and pretty accurate. You did miss a couple though. They are the two categories of people who ride ancient Kawasaki or Suzuki 2-stroke motorcycles.

The gas canister carriers have been commented on widely before.

The other category is the young guys or sometimes girls who have put time and effort into restoring one of these old motorbikes to a shiny, pristine condition. I DO think that’s quite cool, despite the plumes of smoke they invariably leave behind.

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
That’s great! I have one at add, though it’s pretty rare so I don’t know if it deserves to be a category all it’s own.

The foreigner who thinks it’d be really sweet to get a xiao Dio and turn it into a screaming-whining racing machine to take on the local scooter boys (from category 3) weaving through heavy traffic. :doh:

You also forgot to add the “Vigilante” type. :laughing:

bobepine

I’m not in any of those categories but I do ride a gutless 150 cruiser.
What category would I be in if I had what I saw for the first time last night and now want desperately?
Its an old Vespa with a pristine gunmetal grey metallic paint job, but with really low clearance, an unusually skinny front leg protector and big wiiiide bulbous side covers with beautiful flowing lines, nothing like the normal squared-off type – straight out of La Dolce Vita. I swear there wasn’t a straight line anywhere on that thing.
Simply gorgeous! Has anyone else seen one of these?

[quote=“sandman”]I’m not in any of those categories but I do ride a gutless 150 cruiser.[/quote]What? No wraparound shades?

[quote=“sandman”]What category would I be in if I had what I saw for the first time last night and now want desperately?
Its an old Vespa with a pristine gunmetal grey metallic paint job, but with really low clearance, an unusually skinny front leg protector and big wiiiide bulbous side covers with beautiful flowing lines, nothing like the normal squared-off type – straight out of La Dolce Vita. I swear there wasn’t a straight line anywhere on that thing.
Simply gorgeous! Has anyone else seen one of these?[/quote]Don’t know. I’ve seen quite a few different Vespas. Not sure whether I’ve seen one just as you describe though. Sounds nice. I guess there are places still turning out parts for old Vespas. There certainly are in the UK and there are enough of these bikes in TW so I would presume somebody must be doing it here.

The pristine, immaculately dressed elevator or department store lady riding a pink scooter, oblivious to the thick smoke belching out the tailpipe. Or even that there is a tailpipe.

See also: people who cannot swerve to avoid anything in the road and simply scream as they crash head-on into an easily avoidable object in the road.

[quote=“trapjaw”]1) Average Taiwanese Scooter rider.

Boring, usually slightly dirty scooters, usually break a few traffic rules, do what everyone else in the currently moving pack does, never indicates or checks mirrors before executing manoeuver. Usually travels at the speed limit.[/quote]

Half of whom wear baggy tees, have a serious slouch, and a wimpy, thin little plastic half-helmet pushed back too far, which isn’t going to protect their forehead or face at all in a collision. :loco:

  1. same as above, but wearing dingy white wife-beater (muscle shirt), chewing binglang and/or smoking, with one to three gas canisters loaded on a rack on the back; riding blissfully unaware of the explosive nature of his cargo.

  2. young man in casuals, riding a white police scooter, and breaking just as many traffic rules as the next guy – apparently, off-duty police forget completely about the laws they were just ticketing people for breaking an hour ago.

  3. Rotund woman I saw several years ago on Minchuan E. Rd., in pink flowery dress, struggling to hold an umbrella above her with the left hand while riding a scooter at 45kph on a windy day. Belongs in her own class. :laughing:

What about the people who just bought a brand new scooter and don’t know what the hell to do with it?

stare

[quote=“stare”]What about the people who just bought a brand new scooter and don’t know what the hell to do with it?[/quote]They can slowly become one of the other stereotypes.

#?) Person who’s now middle-aged and dirty scooter still carries the plastic bags over the suspension units, mirrors and other bits that were fitted at the factory to protect them in delivery. These bits have all rusted just the same, but they still have the plastic over them to ensure they’ll never get cleaned.

  1. Anyone on a Grand Dink, Majesty, or similar.

Guaranteed to be overweight, arrogant, incompetent and just plain stupid. Under the unalterable impression that being on a huge scooter provides some kind of safety or protection. Usually found either tailing three inches behind a car at 80kph, or barreling through a huge crowd of scooters in a straight line (because Grand Dinks do not turn corners).

The SUV of the two-wheeled world.

Dickheads.

I think category (22) is a pre category (14) stage… These guys can evolve into category 14ers, provided they stay alive long enough. :wink:

[quote=“Brendon”]22) Anyone on a Grand Dink, Majesty, or similar.

Guaranteed to be overweight, arrogant, incompetent and just plain stupid. Under the unalterable impression that being on a huge scooter provides some kind of safety or protection. Usually found either tailing three inches behind a car at 80kph, or barreling through a huge crowd of scooters in a straight line (because Grand Dinks do not turn corners).

The SUV of the two-wheeled world.

Dickheads.[/quote]

Thanx, fits me totally :loco: especially the dickhead, moron

more a combination of 5, 7 and 11 really, but around here I see the dinosaur class of scooter rider quite a bit… requirements include:

A scooter bought in 1953, quite likely on of the 3 original Kymco prototypes, numerous missing parts, but somehow still maintains structural integrity despite last having oil changed in late 60’s… still sports old yellow skinny “grand-pa” plates of yester-year… no air in tires, shocks seized solid during the 70’s…

ridden by a wizened old bastard who looks like he served as the tea boy in WW2 and WW1, then spent 50 years farming rice, by hand, now skinny enough to struggle walking against a stiff breeze and effectively blind… pilots said relic in precarious arcs, 20km/h slower or faster than is appropriate depending on conditions, narrowly missing stationary objects and pushing fellow road user’s hazard avoidance skills to the very limit… yet like some kind of modern day geriatric Moses, traffic seems to magically part in front of him as he putters on, through the red light, obscured by a cloud of white acrid smoke and joyfully oblivious to the fact that the brake pads rusted to dust back in '83…

Your forgot the former scooter driver that have now graduated to a honda CV3, Nissan March or the like that drive them like they’re still driving a scooter. Girl friend has graduated from pillion to right seat

Serious older conservative outdoor worker
My wife actually mentioned this category to me as we were sitting in a cab a few days ago and happened to see one of them. These guys:
Ride real motorcycles; i.e. something with a chain to transmit the force from the engine to the rear wheel and something with a pull the handle clutch and real gears to shift

[quote=“belgian pie”][quote=“Brendon”]22) Anyone on a Grand Dink, Majesty, or similar.

Guaranteed to be overweight, arrogant, incompetent and just plain stupid. Under the unalterable impression that being on a huge scooter provides some kind of safety or protection. Usually found either tailing three inches behind a car at 80kph, or barreling through a huge crowd of scooters in a straight line (because Grand Dinks do not turn corners).

The SUV of the two-wheeled world.

Dickheads.[/quote]

Thanks, fits me totally :loco: especially the dickhead, moron[/quote]

Ah, the first offended reader… knew it would happen sooner or later. Come now mr. pie, I know that the “dickhead” in brendon’s post was unnecessary, but this is all in jest, remember.

And well done to plasmatron for adding category (23), the Dinosaur, and brianlkennedy for adding (24), the Wizened Yokel. :laughing: :bravo:

As for car driver stereotypes, you’d have to start a whole new thread.

[quote]22) Anyone on a Grand Dink, Majesty, or similar.

Guaranteed to be overweight, arrogant, incompetent and just plain stupid. Under the unalterable impression that being on a huge scooter provides some kind of safety or protection. Usually found either tailing three inches behind a car at 80kph, or barreling through a huge crowd of scooters in a straight line (because Grand Dinks do not turn corners).

The SUV of the two-wheeled world.

Dickheads.[/quote]

I hate these idiots with a passion.

Subcategory of No.1: Middle aged seasoned riders who ride semi - beat up dukes. Mirrors are present to avoid getting a ticket, but point up and down at random angles and thus serve no purpose whatsoever.

24). Mini scooters - small bikes with an engine ridden by amahs with obnoxious faces who can’t ride in a straight line. Usually found wobbling down the wrong side of the road or taking up an entire scooter lane on a bridge, causing other scooter junkies to swerve or brake suddenly.
Lights at night are optional. shopping bags full of cabbage and huge carrots essential.

Belgian pie: This is about stereotypes. If you’re not like the description, then obviously I wasn’t talking about you :wink:

And you have to admit, you know the guys I’m talking about.

nice one on category 24, dangermouse :laughing: