I know we have many serious issues in this forum, but I stopped by scrappleface recently to get a laugh or two, and thought I would share it with you.

Enjoy or ignore.
No offense is intended at anyone.


January 17, 2005
Report: U.N. Could End Global Poverty with Cash
by Scott Ott
(2005-01-17) – A groundbreaking 3,000-word report commissioned by United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan revealed today that the epidemic of global poverty could be eradicated “practically overnight” if wealthy nations would simply give large amounts of cash to the U.N.'s anti-poverty efforts.

“This research shows that the root cause of poverty is the absence of money,” said Mr. Annan. “Our experts tell us that if we give enough cash to poor people, then they become middle-income people. Naturally, the cash we give them should come from countries that now have too much cash.”

Mr. Annan immediately proposed a plan to distribute cash to poor people, with the United Nations serving as middleman and retaining “only the usual processing fee of no more than 65 percent.”

President Bush, when asked about the news by a White House reporter, said, “Which part of that are you calling ‘news’?”

This one is too funny. I wonder if this guy has a job.

Visionary Zarqawi Offers ‘Antidote to Democracy’
by Scott Ott
(2005-01-23) – In lofty language reminiscent of President George Bush’s second inaugural address, Abu Musab Zarqawi tells the Iraqi people in a newly-released speech that Islamic rule is the antidote to democracy and the only hope for returning the country to its “pre-invasion glory days.”

In a dramatic address reportedly crafted by a ‘neoliberal’ speechwriter within his administration, Mr. Zarqawi urged the Iraqi people to “throw off the oppressive mantle of self-determination.”

“We are led,” said Mr. Zarqawi, "by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of Islamic rule in our land increasingly depends on the success of Islamic rule in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the destruction of democracy in all the world. Freedom, after all, is just another word for ‘nothing left to lose.’" :laughing:

U.S. Senator John F. Kerry, D-MA, said the Zarqawi speech reinforced his own repeated calls to withdraw American troops from Iraq as quickly as possible, "to avoid imposing our culture-bound values on its people."

“Zarqawi offers a powerful alternative to Bush’s provincial rhetorical hubris,” Mr. Kerry said. “Even though Mr. Zarqawi is Jordanian, he has won the hearts, and often the heads, of the Iraqi people.”

scrappleface is a funny site.
posting this is bound to offend some.

The guy is pretty evenhanded in his humor. But his swipes at Kerry are classic. :slight_smile:

This one about Kerry had me in tears and giggling for days. From the days when Kerry was trying to seem tough.

Kerry: I’ll Kill Bin Laden with My Bare Hands

by Scott Ott (2004-09-24) – As part of his continued effort to portray himself as tougher on terrorism than President Bush, Democrat rival John Forbes Kerry said today, “When I’m President of the United States, I will kill Usama bin Laden with my own bare hands.”

“George W. Bush let bin Laden escape from Tora Bora, because Bush never served in combat,” said Mr. Kerry, a professional Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator. “When I’m president I will make it my personal priority to track down bin Laden and slay him with these mighty, sinewy hands.”

Mr. Kerry said he would “hunt bin Laden like a migratory waterfowl–pursuing him on bicycle, windsurfing board, skis and even my family’s SUV if necessary. Yes, I’m so serious about defending America from terror that I’m willing to sully the atmosphere for a time, if that’s what it takes.”

Iraqi Voting Disrupts News Reports of Bombings
by Scott Ott
(2005-01-30) – News reports of terrorist bombings in Iraq were marred Sunday by shocking graphic images of Iraqi “insurgents” voting by the millions in their first free democratic election.

Despite reporters’ hopes that a well-orchestrated barrage of mortar attacks and suicide bombings would put down the so-called ‘freedom insurgency’, hastily-formed battalions of rebels swarmed polling places to cast their ballots – shattering the status quo and striking fear into the hearts of the leaders of the existing terror regime.

Hopes for a return to the stability of tyranny waned as rank upon rank of Iraqi men and women filed out of precinct stations, each armed with the distinctive mark of the new freedom guerrillas – an ink-stained index finger, which one former Ba’athist called “the evidence of their betrayal of 50 years of Iraqi tradition.”

Journalists struggled to put a positive spin on the day’s events, but the video images of tyranny’s traitors choosing a future of freedom overwhelmed the official story of bloodshed and mayhem.