Sexual compatability

Sage advice, and it sounds like he’s already in the world of mercy sex. He says that he gets it once a week if he’s lucky.

To the original poster: I see big red flags here. Nobody should ever have to beg his or her lover for sex. You asked if most guys experience this. I think that may be the case, but that doesn’t make it a good situation or a situation you want to find yourself. The now stereotypical image of the dopey man desperately trying to appease his wife so he can get laid every now and then pervades American culture. If he doesn’t obey, then he’s “in the doghouse” and no sex for him. I realize my view may be unpopular, but I think sex should be given freely in a loving relationship. Sex should never be used as a tool of manipulation or a reward for good behavior. Even if that’s not exactly the case here, the bottom line is that you want a lot more sex than your lover is willing to give you, and that’s no recipe for marital bliss. I agree with some of the other posters on here that you should seriously reevaluate this relationship.

Uh… I thought this was a given?

This thread confuses me.

First, the guy who says he has to beg for sex gets advice to either live with it, marry her or take her shopping…
Then, the guy who expresses what should be no more than a natural precondition for a mature relationship between equals feels the need to label his view “unpopular”?


I agree with Tash.

Depending on what you get out of it, begging for sex kinda defeats the purpose of it.
I feel the same way about the concept of paying for sex, but that is just me…

Yes, and not only that. It can also hurt the relationship on other levels.

How a couple relates sexually is an integral part of the relationship and cannot, in my view, be taken out of the context, nor treated separetely.

Yes, that could be just you :wink: … Why don’t you start a new thread?

Uh… I thought this was a given?


One would think so tash. However, I can’t tell you how many men I’ve met who stay in relationships exactly like the original poster’s. It’s now become a familiar pattern. At first the relationship is one of equals, but soon enough the woman figures out that either 1. she doesn’t actually like sex or 2. she can use it as a tool of manipulation. Then the men idiotically find any and every way to appease her just to get that one night of sex. Whether it’s a question of incompatible sex drives or the woman wanting to use sex for control, the relationship is probably not healthy and should be reevaluated. Honestly I expected a maelstrom of negative responses, because when I said something similar on here about a year ago that’s what happened.

Then there are those with voracious sex drives - want it all the time - there is the flip side of feeling hounded for sex. I had a girlfriend once, who verged on this. If we’d stayed together, it would have been problematic.

Maybe this is appropriate for another thread. . . . but how do you know that your being reasonable versus hounding someone?


[quote=“William “Smokey” Robinson, Warren Moore, Marvin Tarplin in I’ll Be Doggone”]
Well, I’ll be doggone if I wouldn’t work all day
And I’ll be doggone if I wouldn’t bring you my pay
But if I ever caught you out running around
Blowing my money all over this town
Then I wouldn’t be doggone
Hey, Hey! I’d be long gone
Then I wouldn’t be doggone
I’d be long gone
Now hey, hey, hey!

I’ll be doggone if you ain’t a pretty thing
And I’ll be doggone if you ain’t warm as a breath of spring
And if we live to be a hundred years old
If you ever let that spring turn cold
Then I wouldn’t be doggone
Hey! I’d be long gone
Oh I wouldn’t be doggone
I’d be long gone

Now did you hear what I say ?
Well now what I say
Oh, believe me Well, every woman should try
To be what ever his man wants her to be
And I don’t want much
All I want from you is for you to be true to me

Well, I’d be doggone if love ain’t a man’s best friend
Oh, baby, And I’ll be doggone if you ain’t the loving end
Though I know you make me feel like no baby could
If I ever found out that you’re no good
Then I wouldn’t be doggone
Hey, hey, hey, I’d be long gone
Well I wouldn’t de doggone baby
I’d be long gone

I’m fairly convinced that it’s not that she doesn’t like sex per se, just not so much of it and at a lower priority. As to whether I’m the greatest lover in the world - that’s for those that know to judge, not me to say. You might draw conclusions from the fact that I’m not beating her off with a shitty stick every night but I don’t think that’s the real issue. All the same, I wouldn’t mind a little more practice at my technique.

I don’t really believe she’s using sex for control. That’s not her style at all. There’s no question that she’s loving, affectionate and tactile either. This is neither about either a cold relationship or a cold woman.

As for being hen-pecked or under the thumb, no not really. I have enough freedom to do other things, but not so much as to make her feel neglected. There’s bound to be things I do that irritate her (losing half of Saturday or Sunday to a hangover) but these are within reasonable limits.

She works pretty hard. Gets up at 6am to do one part time job, followed by juggling another two part time/ temporary jobs and a Masters thesis due in May. This is one cause for hope that there is a set time when things in general could change, though any full time job in her field is likely to be reasonably high pressure and irregular hours.

Much of the advice given is similar to what I would instinctively have given if the boot was on the other foot, but it’s never as simple as that. I believe that a lot of things in life have to be worked at or for (not begged for) and waiting around for things to suddenly change is probably not the solution, but there are still things I can actively do to improve the situation.

Incidentally, how many of the replies have been from Taiwanese women? Their perspective would be particularly useful.

Er. Is there an age difference? Sounds to me that the lass may be just too tired. It’s not uncommon here for folk to be so harassed by work that they don’t “do it.” In fact, the rate of occurence here is low among married / together couples. I think it’s a question of priorities. You’re thinking of it as an important part, very important part, of a relationship. She’s thinking of it as a part of a relationship that’s not confirmed by marriage and may have lesser standing in her life vis-a-vis work and professional plans for future. Not saying I know enough about your situation to say that. Not sure how much most English teachers understand of the real difference between their lives and the lives of most of the people they interact with here. Hours, values (both familly and work), priorities… all different from what most English teachers have.

Sounds like she’s too tired for sex. I wouldn’t want much more than a brief solo wank in the morning if I was doing all of that.

Have you tried warming her up with a good massage? I bet if you waited on her/ catered to her for an evening, mixed her a drink, and gave her a good footrub and backrub, she might relax enough to be in the mood. Even better if you had all the housework finished when she came home. Take that pressure off her mind.

I wouldn’t expect much intil the Master’s thesis is finished, in any case.


I wouldn’t expect much intil the Master’s thesis is finished, in any case.[/quote]

I wouldn’t get your hopes up. If she’s a typical Taiwanese, there’s always another degree to pursue, another long-term project to aim for, another business to build that needs long hours of hard work poured into it. Many, many Taiwanese women I know work too hard to have time for a relationship. From my slacker American perspective (ever moreso if I had an even slacker typical European perspective), the values in this society are the reverse of mine. They spend so much time working they forget to live. It’s no surprise that on the condom surveys, the Chinese have the least sex in the world. China, Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan, always come last or close to dead last in all of those surveys.

If your woman is good to you in so many ways and the relationship is sustainable, then why not have an “outside woman” or a “small wife”? It is perfectly reasonable to take a lover, especially if it helps to balance your libidinous urges.

It seems that as long as you are discreet and polite, careful with matters of personal health and you don’t damage your mate’s sense of “safety”; then this matter can be resolved quite easily.

That might work for some people, but it’s basically beyond the rules or terms of our relationship - so could only undermine it, whether discovered or not. I’m not a good liar and I don’t want to be - even if it was a tacitly understood “arrangement”. That arrangement or “understanding” is not going to happen anyway - can’t see her being into that! I’m pretty sure that it would be the end if one was discovered.

The other point is that it’s not that I’m desperate for sex - I’ve survived for relatively extended periods in the past without going mad. What I’m after is sex with my partner. I want all those feelings we express in other ways, to be expressed more often in a sexual way too.

Vacation. In a nice tropical country where the cell phone doesn’t work (or roaming is too expensive) and internet access is unreliable. Oh yes, and don’t listen to people telling you “you don’t need a good hotel, you won’t be spending much time in your room anyway”. Wrong, very wrong. :sunglasses:

I haven’t read this thread but I totally agree with whatever it was tash said because I’ve secretly… Er, because she’s totally right. Ahem. :blush:

You’re probably going to have to force her to communicate on this issue because it is obviously causing strain in the relationship. If you’re only getting it once a week, if you’re lucky, then it can only get worse over time if you don’t “train” her to be used to giving it to you more often. When you bring it up with her and she gives you the whole “I don’t talk about this stuff,” remind her that it is causing problems and that you have to sort it out. Her not wanting to talk about it may be cultural, or it may just be her, but it shouldn’t matter because it’s not like you’re a stranger.

You should have just kept bothering her about it and intiated more in the past just to get her used to you wanting it more often. Maybe it’s not too late? Do you touch her often? hug her often? kiss her often? Doesn’t have to imply anything sexually necessarily but these things do help the more you do them.

The above poster makes some excellent points. Not saying that your problem is solved, but they are good suggestions. As you know, women require some prep before doin the nasty. Things that relax her are good prep work . . . after 2 years, I expect you know what those things are . . if you need suggestions PM me . . . I’m no sex therapist, but I am a woman, so I guess I have some insights . . .


I agree with Bodo. Most Women can’t just turn it on and off like a lightbulb. You want sex: Sure, just flip the switch. Men are more like that. Add in a blow job and they’re as happy as larks.
It takes time to turn a woman on. I find, you can’t go wrong starting off with a massage to help relax her and it’s also a good way to just run your hands all over her naked body.
The problem is, a lot of the time, time. You need a certain amount of time in order to do this and you don’t always have it.
I hope that helps.

[quote=“kellohitty”]I agree with Bodo. Most Women can’t just turn it on and off like a lightbulb. You want sex: Sure, just flip the switch. Men are more like that. Add in a blow job and they’re as happy as larks.
It takes time to turn a woman on. I find, you can’t go wrong starting off with a massage to help relax her and it’s also a good way to just run your hands all over her naked body.
The problem is, a lot of the time, time. You need a certain amount of time in order to do this and you don’t always have it.
I hope that helps.[/quote]

Lalala… I get up early in tthe mornings too! There’s not much better in life than waking up with someone you have some sense of intimacy with, and having enough time to explore all the possibilities inherent in the situation.

I doubt you’re going to get that with someone who is living to local standards regarding work, health, how much sleep you need, etc. It’s nothing to do with her not liking sex, it sounds like she does when you persuade her to get it on. I think it’s simply a problem of priorities.

Nothing’s going to change without some serious heart-to-heart talking, and she probably doesn’t want to do that either. What is she going to hear? That she’s not doing her duty? That’ll cheer her up no end, won’t it? I don’t think so, it’ll just add to the pressure she’s already under and the basic problem is how she manages pressure.

Personally I would try communicating my feelings non-verbally. Reject her. She wants to be tactile and affectionate? Sit there all rigid and unresponsive. She’s too tired for nookie? Turn your back in a huff. She’s nice to you? Respond without enthusiasm. She tries to make up, just remind her that she’s too tired. Insist everything’s OK while making it blatantly obvious that she’s in danger of losing you.

Let her know that there is a problem and make her ask you what’s wrong. Until she recognises that something is wrng it’s going to be a case of you making unreasonable demands on someone who has more ‘important’ things to do.

When she realises that she is jeapordising your relationship she might start to re-evaluate her own behaviour. Either she’ll decide that she doesn’t want to stop living the only way she knows how, and go join the ranks of lonely spinster career-women, or she’ll try to adapt. If the latter it’s going to be really tough for her. You’re up against a lifetime of social conditioning.

I think I would avoid making sex the central issue. “You don’t have time for me, you’re always too tired,” is better than “I haven’t had a blowjob for a month.” You can do all that emotional “I want you so much” stuff once you’re actually talking. “I feel like you’ve lost interest in me, and your jobs are more important than I am.” - she has to deny that, right?

Then she has to give a commitment to making you the most important thing in her life, which in turn places a heavy burden on you in terms of filling her needs. Take it step by step. The vacation sounds like a good idea.

Step one could be an agreement that when the thesis is done the two of you are going to take a week or two away from everything and focus on each other. If she can’t do that then all is lost. Give it up.

And kellohitty, I’ve offered you no end of massages. Why don’t you ever find time for me?