She's into my stuff/business

WT…F. OK I have finally found a girl I am serious about, but after 5 months I am finding out she checks my wallet every 2 weeks (cleans? organizes?) and even opens my backpack up. She did say cause it smelled (yeah I left a mango in it! :blush: ) But still let me know why, she did after I asked! Anyone dealing with this or dealt with it? Having dinner with 2 buddies and one says dump her. The other says it’s normal!! His wife of 4 years does this and he takes it. My first buddy called him female anatomy slang I cannot repeat here. I’m not doing thing to warrant this mind you. I am trying to stop this nonsense. Even my bills once.

Not normal. Not good. But she could be completely clueless and following something she saw on TV so have you told her it is absolutely unacceptable? How did she respond? If she doesn’t get it she never will which leaves you with few choices.

totally not normal, checking your phone and computer maybe but wallet seems a bit fishy here. She maybe wants you for your money, wants to use your cards or whatever. But have a talk with her and ask her whats up with that…

Think about all the stuff she’s doing that she doesn’t tell you. :laughing:

Honestly, as a very happily married man of 14 years, who cares? If you like her and have nothing to hide, it’s a quirk. People have them.

Go through her purse. :laughing:

Let her know that privacy is important to you. If she wants to clean out your back pack or wallet, she needs to ask you first. If this is a deal breaker, you need to let her know. Even it is not a deal breaker; privacy issues will cause problems down the road.

This is a good opportunity to set up how things should be between you two. Due to the culture differences, you two need to talk when something is bothering either one of you. Let her know, you like directness and not beat around the bushes to save face or your ego, it will come out at the end, may as well have a good process of communication.

My husband and I have been married for a long time, we still seek permissions if we need to check each other’s E-mails or wallets. At the beginning, he quietly let me know, privacy is important to him. He refused to go into my purse. He brought the purse to me and asked me to give him what he wanted. I got the message and realized I was not to get into his wallet, e-mails and such.

We Taiwanese grow up seeing parents gave children no privacies and they asked privet information from each other. When we get close to someone we loved, we don’t realize westerners need a lot more personal space than Taiwanese.

By the way, go into her purse do not solve the problem. In fact, you just let her know it is OK for her to continue to ignore your privacy.

if you left a mango in there, then it’s pretty normal… otherwise, it ain’t normal.

thats pretty gross if you left mango in there. i dont blame her.

is it really a problem? my bags always turn into a mess. i wouldnt mind a gf like that!

as for my wallet, also a mess. as for my wallet it wouldnt bother me either, unless she is doing it out of paranoia. some women here like to keep your funds in check, if you are not so careful with your money. maybe she is slowly easing you in to that sort of thing. basicly, whatever it is, if you dont like it you need to lay down the law.

Tell her to dont like it and she needs to stop. If she understands, great. If not, run.

What would she say if you told her your decision to ask strangers on the internet for advice? Maybe she thinks you can’t be trusted. Did you give her cause to be insecure about you?

Oh please. The guy is a foreigner in a foreign land and is trying to figure out the local customs. He has not named names, or done anything inappropriate.

Oh please. The guy is a foreigner in a foreign land and is trying to figure out the local customs. He has not named names, or done anything inappropriate.[/quote]

You don’t think it’s insulting to think that going through peoples possessions is a cultural trait? It’s just a girl who doesn’t trust her partner. There is nothing specific about Taiwanese people that would make them think it’s normal to go through the possessions of others.

[quote=“rodeo”]Think about all the stuff she’s doing that she doesn’t tell you. :laughing:

Honestly, as a very happily married man of 14 years, who cares? If you like her and have nothing to hide, it’s a quirk. People have them.

Go through her purse. :laughing:[/quote]

There it is.

What was the mango doing in his wallet anyway? :loco:

She’s probably talkin’ to her friends about it right now, and half of them are sayin’, “Dump Him!”

Oh please. The guy is a foreigner in a foreign land and is trying to figure out the local customs. He has not named names, or done anything inappropriate.[/quote]

You don’t think it’s insulting to think that going through peoples possessions is a cultural trait? It’s just a girl who doesn’t trust her partner. There is nothing specific about Taiwanese people that would make them think it’s normal to go through the possessions of others.[/quote]

Agreed. There are many things that can be called cultural quirks, this ain’t one.

As a woman, no time together is excusable to go through anybody’s stuff, even if he left it open, and especially if there is a rotten mango in his backpack. Get it out yourself, dimmit! Worms and all, ugh.

I mean, OP, clarify this: you have known each other 5 months and she’s going through your stuff like your Mama, or you guys have known each other for a longer time and have been living together for 5 months? Or are you one of those couples that met and within a week/a month were living together? Even better.

If she gets your 10 million fabiao and runs off with the booty, is your fault, OP.

Some of the answers here are just lame. Funds in check? Are they married? NO. A roomate of mine had a girlfriend like this. I even caught her going through his stuff once. It was not HERS. The guy I lived with had nothing to hide. Sometimes it is not a matter of trust some of the girls here are just insecure. Some of my Taiwanese (female) friends just are insecure and many of them know it and a few do the same thing. Guess how that came about. A quirk? BS! What motivates people to go through others private property. Not giving a person close to you space is also smothering. Especially if you SAY you trust them. Yeah.

My roomate was picking up his girl’s handbag and dropped a few items out of it. She thought he was going through it and went bonkers, she could dish it but not take it. Well that was the end of the relationship he dropped her.

Or your phone, for what, to read your SO’s text messages or see who is calling? If you don’t like it HALO do not take it I myself would not. Mutual respect and trust is important. And yup Taiwanese families are in each others (and my) business. Some of my Taiwanese friends really resent it.

Oh please. The guy is a foreigner in a foreign land and is trying to figure out the local customs. He has not named names, or done anything inappropriate.[/quote]

You don’t think it’s insulting to think that going through peoples possessions is a cultural trait? It’s just a girl who doesn’t trust her partner. There is nothing specific about Taiwanese people that would make them think it’s normal to go through the possessions of others.[/quote]

Agreed. There are many things that can be called cultural quirks, this ain’t one.
.[/quote]

And how pray tell, does a newbie know that. I did not say this is a local quirk, I said the OP is trying to figure out if it is so he can decide how to act.

Oh please. The guy is a foreigner in a foreign land and is trying to figure out the local customs. He has not named names, or done anything inappropriate.[/quote]

You don’t think it’s insulting to think that going through peoples possessions is a cultural trait? [/quote]

Never thought about that since I did not say it was a cultural trait here.

[quote=“Dangergyrl”]Some of the answers here are just lame. Funds in check? Are they married? NO. A roomate of mine had a girlfriend like this. I even caught her going through his stuff once. It was not HERS. The guy I lived with had nothing to hide. Sometimes it is not a matter of trust some of the girls here are just insecure. Some of my Taiwanese (female) friends just are insecure and many of them know it and a few do the same thing. Guess how that came about. A quirk? BS! What motivates people to go through others private property. Not giving a person close to you space is also smothering. Especially if you SAY you trust them. Yeah.

My roomate was picking up his girl’s handbag and dropped a few items out of it. She thought he was going through it and went bonkers, she could dish it but not take it. Well that was the end of the relationship he dropped her.

Or your phone, for what, to read your SO’s text messages or see who is calling? If you don’t like it HALO do not take it I myself would not. Mutual respect and trust is important. And yup Taiwanese families are in each others (and my) business. Some of my Taiwanese friends really resent it.[/quote]

being insecure and needy (or sticky as they call it here) is pretty much the norm here is it not? some guys don’t really mind, the guys and girls here seem to let each other go through their phone. nothing i would ever do, but if they aren’t bothered about it so what? i wouldn’t give a shit if i my gf went through my bag, although she would have to be pretty bored/ brave to do such a thing. phone is off limits tho. bottom line, if you don’t like it you need to bring it up.

If I could get a mango in my wallet I’d being doing magic in Vegas, not teaching English in TW. It was in my backpack. Students give you a lot of gifts in the A.M. and on Friday night I forgot about the fruit, she found it late Sat night. I lived and worked in Germany before coming to Taiwan. It is VERY different and you have to adjust. It has been 3 years in Taipei for me now, so I am not brand new but I figured some of the people that post on Forumosa are much more experienced. That is why I posted a problem. I have only 2 good friends I’d ask about this in person and I have already.

Until now the girls I’ve dated were’nt serious neither was I. This girl seems like someone I could be with longer. But over 4-5 months I’ve noticed she seems insecure as was stated above by others. I am not cheating, lying or “playing” her. I could deal with it - her insecurity that is, but going through my items is wrong IMO. I just wanted to see how you all feel about it in your own lives and how this plays out in TW. Why does she need to go through/reorganize my wallet or yes check my phone which I forgot to mention. Even if we have nothing to hide, and I don’t I feel it shows a lack of respect for others in a relationship. I am dealing with it-
Thanks.

OP,

I grew up in a family where the golden rule to harmony is “Never open anyone’s mail”. So, when I got married and moved in my with inlaws here, I was disconcerted to discover my MIL opening my mail. Not personal letters, but still, it was totally against my upbringing. She also has a habit of sorting out everyone’s papers, and I was really uncomfortable with her reorganising my desk. I found a time to ask her about it, she told me it was her job in the family to deal with affairs (and she does, helping the kids with payments of bills etc while they work), I told her about my own family and how I would prefer to open my own mail, and she stopped opening it and just reminds me when I have forgetten about it for the fourth day in a row. She still lines up all my papers but I can’t blame her. She’s super-organised and I know just looking at my desk does her head in.

Then, there was an ex-boyfriend who went through my wallet and interrogated me about every receipt, went through my teaching supplies and accused me of having affairs with every male student listed on the roll, and finally just went nuts. No amount of discussion would stop this behavior.

I think you’ll have to figure out which side your girlfiend is on. Is she just super-keen on you and wants to help you like family? Or, is she suspicious of you and not secure enough to believe you only want to be with her? The first is just a matter of working out what both of you are comfortable and happy with. The second is more complicated and could lead to tears. Sitting down and really working out what she is trying to tell you would be a good first step.