Well lets start by saying I have all these emotions bottled up, I do not know what to do, and can not vent to anyone around me due to unfortunate situation. So here I am asking for opinions. Thanks in advance for any advice/thoughts/etc.
This is the situation from the beginning, My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. The real reason is I neglected her feelings(however it was not on purpose or due to not noticing but more of due to the situation). Situation is she is a student employee(when we meet and for the last 2 years when we was together) I am the son of the boss(my mom). To clarify I am a ABC, raised in the States my whole life. My mom has been away from me for pretty much the 2nd half of my life, and I returned to stay/help her after college. As everyone knows Chinese parents are ever so strict. I can not just disrespect my mom however she is way over controlling which is my problem. But due to the situation it put a lot of stress on our relationship and was hard for 2 years but she really loved me and I as stupid as this sounds now I neglected her to try letting some of the “Mom” pressures off her and me. As everything I did at work if I even was near her I would get a earful from my mom who would be quickly informed by Security Camera/Other Employees/Gossip in general. But I am sure you get what I mean by having to kinda avoid her a lot more. My mom also freaks out when I am out late, as she is a control freak and yes I know I am pathetic that I can not break free of it, but I thought it would all change once my girlfriend was old enough and out of my moms control. As my mom is the boss she had power to terminate my girlfriends job which would jeopardize her ability to graduate. And yes my mom has threaten me many times about it. Now do not get me wrong my mom loves me more then anything and is looking out for my future but she is twisted wrong about this. She feels like she is protecting me but I do not think she noticed I grew up already without her and no matter what I say or do she has the whole Your my son no matter how old you are and I will know whats right for me but she does kind of mind set. She is so stubborn it will not change and I know it will not until I put my foot down. Ok enough with my mom you should get the whole idea of what put our relationship into a huge stress and why she finally decided to end things with me.
So back to the original topic she breaks up with me 2 months before she is going to graduate. I hated it but I felt like I could do nothing and decided ok I will just let her go. The whole 2 months I see her but do not engage in a conversation over 10 words with her. However on her last day she tells a co worker(friend of mine) about all these personal things and he told me I should ask her out to hang out and talk and at least let her know we are friends and let her leave happy. BTW she also found a new boyfriend online a week after we broke up. So she is with this other guy by now and I know it, she has arranged to move to his place in Tainan(I am in Taipei) until she can get her own place etc.(sadly she does not have any family left or friends outside of this new boyfriend). But I ask her to come hangout drink a bit etc, and we did that. As I still do care for her I wanted to talk to her privately and asked her if she would like to hang out a bit more with me after everyone else left to talk. She agreed and we talked, I had re-confused my feelings for her and she kept saying it was too late and her feelings for me was now more of like family then boyfriend/girlfriend however we did end up sleeping together again maybe it was out of pity for me or what not I do not know. But even after that I did not give up, so for the next 3 days after we spend time together (she was done with work and I took days off), We was together pretty much 10 hours a day for the next 3 days. During these 3 days she has since told me she still does love me. She does not know if this new boyfriend is a rebound or if she loves him or not as she is unclear. As on the last day she was leaving Taipei to go to Tainan to live with her current boyfriend, I asked her to stay. Told her I am willing to do whatever it takes, we would find a small place to stay together and try to make a new life together. I would still have my current job she would have to find a new one here but we would be away from my moms control. I was ready to put my foot down and move out of my mom’s finally to be with her. But the problem is she said she needs time and space as she wanted to get out of Taipei. She needed to leave and she did. She says its not over between us but she needs time to think as everything is confusing. I can understand all that but to be going to some other guys house to live I just can not help to think its over for us, and even if she comes back how am I suppose to take it that she went to some other guy. I was with her till almost the moment she left (about 15 mins before she left it became to hard for me and I told her I could not stay and see her off. She gave me a huge/kiss and cried saying good bye. She said she does not know if she needs a week a month or a year but time will tell. She told me we can talk everyday over the phone and she would still come visit and we could still make plans together ever once in a while. That she would be happy to come back to see me etc. Now she has left, she called me when she got there right away and told me she really is considering everything. She admits she might just be taking the easy road out (as her leaving was planned for a month already). And she might just be running away. But she told me to call her the next day and everyday after. I still really love her but do not know what to do.
Should I give her some time alone to really think, or is it over for her and me already. I have hope left but I feel the hope is just hurting me more and more. I feel like I should give up and just let it go as it would be so much easier then dwelling on this. It is 8am the next day (yes i cant sleep)I am suppose to call her in a few hours and I do not know what to do. I want to call so bad but it hurting my pride so much to hang on to her even though I want too so badly.
This turned out to be way to long so anyone whose still reading I thank you for taking the time out of your lives to give any thought into mine. I am really lost on what to do so any opinions,advice would be greatly appreciated.
Re-read your post. It’s about your relationship with your ex-gf, right? So how come it’s prefaced by a long paragraph about your mom?
Is it any wonder your lady got tired of the situation/your acceptance of it?
Let go. Get some distance from mom: three in a relationship is too many.
Or stick close to mom and resign yourself to doing as you’re told, and dating who she chooses.
I noticed the whole mom problem reason I made such a long paragraph about it, Its what caused us to break up. And I am really able to move on from my mom. However problem is do I even still have a chance with my ex? I solely blame the whole mom problem for our breakup as I truthfully believe it was the problem.
Yes moms can be a real bitch when it comes to girlfriends. Been there done that. Several times.
I am concerned a bit tho bout the character of this girl of yours ,how she meets someone online and immediately plans to move in with him? Not a good thing in my book.
Would she (your ex)? You allowed your mom to ride roughshod over you.
There’s always a chance, but, she’s now in another city, living with another guy, who likely doesn’t have the same issues that drove her out of a relationship with you. For her, it’s fresh and new and fun. Reverse roles and you’d likely do as she has: move on, get a ‘one-for-the-road’/give a sympathy boink, get on with enjoying yourself without all the baggage.
Leave the door open, if you want, but get on with your life without her. If there are changes you want to make, make 'em.
Sounds to me like she wants to see how things work out with this new guy. If he turns out to be lame, she’ll come back to you. If he turns out to be awesome, she’ll stay with him.
Not really fair of her (to him, or to you) to be holding on to you while starting a new thing with him. Sounds like a monkey- unable to let go of one branch until she’s firmly holding on to another- and now she’s just suspended in the air between two branches. Sucks for her, sucks for you, and for this new guy. Best of luck to you all.
My knee jerk reaction is to get the heck away from your mom. But it’s probably more complicated than that. It must be tough to be stuck between two cultures. Best of luck.
Yea i worry bout how she can just move on so quick and move in with this other guy, but truth be told she doesnt really have many options. She probably has 10k NT to her name, with no job/no place no relatives, friends to help. Sadly its the truth of her situation. Where as I am finally fit for rest of my life probably(thanks to my mom which isnt something to be proud of) but I am basically running her business now which is not much but consist of 4 restaurants in Taipei and a fifth opening up probably in 2 months(talks of deals still going on with carrefour which it is located in but looks promising.
she has no money, no relatives, no friends. Sounds like a bad spot to be in. So yeah understandable she wants to move in with someone to save on costs , etc.
but sounds like if you want her you had better make a move NOW or else let her go. There aint no in between. She cant sleep with the both of you for long.
Yea I have decided I need to break free of control from my mom, I am going to go ahead and get my own place(if she doesnt disown me) Which still means I get my own place but back in the States lol.
However the problem is not my mom but with my ex girlfriend I love all your advice about my mom but still not sure what to do about the girl. Do I give up or not? Should I call her today and still try to make things work between us? Or should I just give up and move on with my loss.
Sad story, Steven - hope life works out for you, but your ex-gf is not the problem, and from your most recent post, it seems like you’re the only one here who doesn’t see it. Jaboney’s advice is basically on the money. Do not even bother thinking about getting a gf (or chasing the old one) until you sort out this awful, toxic relationship with your mom. I don’t know your mom, I can only see what’s written in your post, i.e., she abandoned you when you were young (did I get that correct?) and makes your life miserable at every opportunity. Possibly she loves you in her own way, but she is a Bad Parent. And let’s get one thing out of the way: having Han genes does not give you an excuse for being a Bad Parent. You are not “ABC”. You are a human being. Your ancestry does not determine whether or not your life turns to shit.
I lived with someone who had two Bad Parents. The damage they caused was indescribable. It is not easy to fix, but it can be done. Fortunately, she realised (eventually) they were Bad Parents. You need to do the same and discuss - adult to adult, not parent to child - with your mom to see if she wants to change things. You don’t mention your dad - do you have any relationship with him? If so, get some support from him. In any case, you need to either get your mom to change, or you need to walk away. I realise the latter is very, very hard, but there are really no other options; and eventually, she may come back to you. If she wants your respect as a parent, it’s up to her to start behaving like one.
As for your ex-gf, move on. When you’re young the end of a relationship seems like the end of the world. You’ll have to just trust me that it isn’t. She is moving in with her bf. She cannot make it any clearer than that that it is over. So, keep your head up, do not beg (there is nothing more unattractive), and get on with fixing the real problems in your life. You maybe haven’t noticed, but it’s clear from your post that your mom’s behaviour has left you unable to relate to women in a normal way. When you’ve dealt with that, find a new one. There are a few billion of them to choose from
This chick broke up with you TWO MONTHS away from her graduation- when things might have changed for the better because your Mom couldn’t get her kicked out of school. Maybe Mommy dearest isn’t the only reason she broke up with you?
If Mom controls your employment (and your cash flow) she is still in control of your life, regardless of whether you live with her. Do you want that hanging over your head? Because chances are she’ll use that and you’ll never be able to have a serious relationship with someone new unless she approves.
If you really can’t let go of this girl, tell her this: I’ve got my own place (get your own place first) and I want you to come live with me. Don’t beg. Just tell her how it is. If she says no then, let it go. But don’t get your own place first unless you want to do it with our without the girlfriend (my advice, get your own place, so you can have a new girlfriend someday).
Sounds like she’s done about all she can to get through to you.
You need to man up. Seriously. So many Chinese will say that they owe everything to their family. Your own future is set because of your mom’s success and hard work. But can you really not see that your mom needs you, too? She doesn’t hold all the cards because there’s no way she’d EVER trust someone outside the family to do the same job you’re doing. She could never let go, never relax.
That’s worth something. You have to be willing to walk away and take responsibility for your own future, regardless, so why not leverage this and get your mom off your back for a while?
And DO be a man if push comes to shove. No woman anywhere wants a mamma’s boy.
Hang on to what??? A few whispers in the corridors?? The whole sneaking behind Mamma’s back??? You say you neglected her feelings due to your mum. Stop blaming your ma…please. She is running a school or whatever and doesn’t want her son screwing one of the student/employee whatever. I don’t see anything wrong in there and even if there is, what did you do so that you could build a life or relationship for yourself? You wanted the cake and ofcourse wanted to eat it too. Doesn’t happen.
You’re a mamma’s boy, that’s all. Not sexy at all. Not fun at all. She thought that since you’re an ABC you might have had a chance to grow a pair of testicles. Maybe you did, so she stuck around. Until mommy dearest chopped them off and stuck them in a jar as her trophy – “see, I deserted my kid in order to chase a few bucks, but I STILL own him!”
Put it this way, if your girlfriend DID tolerate that horrible state of affairs, she wouldn’t really be worth the steam off your piss, now, would she?
[quote=“sandman”]You’re a mamma’s boy, that’s all. Not sexy at all. Not fun at all. She thought that since you’re an ABC you might have had a chance to grow a pair of testicles. Maybe you did, so she stuck around. Until mommy dearest chopped them off and stuck them in a jar as her trophy – “see, I deserted my kid in order to chase a few bucks, but I STILL own him!”
Put it this way, if your girlfriend DID tolerate that horrible state of affairs, she wouldn’t really be worth the steam off your piss, now, would she?[/quote]
Or if she really loved him, she would have hung on, no??? I mean she could have left coz the pot of gold was probably hidden by mamma’s apron?? NO??? Let’s speculate, but OP you’re done with this.
