[quote=“Markova”][quote=“Tomas”][quote=“pgdaddy1”][quote=“Tomas”]
Vigorously defend your rights. Always. But choose peace.
She will follow. [/quote]
Without knowing his wife or her family, you cannot say this with any certainty. There is no guarantee that she will respond to peace with peace. Some people perceive a passive/ peaceful response as weakness and an an opportunity to exploit and antagonise them further.[/quote]
You have no idea what I speak of, and I don’t think explaining it to you will help. But sure, I’m wrong. You win. Have a cookie.[/quote]
For someone talking about peace, you need to take a deep breath and chill a little 
PHDaddy’s advice is fair and with his experience in that field, I would put lot of faith in his advice.
Time for a cookie and a big glass of milk :lick:[/quote]
Glad to hear that it wasn’t just me that was thinking that. I won’t get personal back, because this thread, and the OP’s dire situation deserves more than that.
He does raise some points that are worthy of discussion though.
Inner and outer calm is clearly commendable and is more likely to elicit a positive response than being aggressive, confrontational etc. However:
- When you are going through a separation and potentially going to lose a child due to circumstances beyond your control- e.g. a spouse and her family who simply don’t believe that it is important for the child to have regular contact (or any at all) with their father after separation/ divorce, when you are falling apart inside- you do so because you are human, an emotional being. I don’t honestly see how anyone can be able to achieve a zen-like calm during such turbulence. Self-control, yes. But inner calm ? It took me years to attain peace. I am finally at peace, from my side, with my ex, unfortunately she is not and I doubt that she ever will be given her reluctance to give me any contact or news at all about our 8 year-old boy. I would like to say that I have found inner peace about our son’s situation, but I have not and I never will until such time that we are reunited- not because I cannot see him but because from the many things I read here on Forumosa, and learn from my foreign friends with children living in Taiwan, make me concerned about his everyday life and how he will develop.
I guess complete inner peace, or closure, will only be obtained when I am reunited with him again, which is likely to be many years down the line.
I worry about my children because I love them and care for them. I do not have complete inner peace regarding the child who is not with me, because I care for him.
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Culture comes into play as well when it comes to separation and children. In my younger son’s class in Barcelona approximately half the kids have parents who are separated (the kids are only 5-6 years old and a lot of the separations happened when they were very young- proof if ever you need it about the strain that having children puts on a marriage). I talk often to both the mothers and fathers and it’s clear that everyone agrees strongly that it’s in in the best interests of the child to have regular contact with the non-custodial parent. No talk at all about “the child is mine now, you don’t have a right to see him” which I and others have experienced in Taiwan. I am not saying that people here can’t be manipulative- there is the case of one mother in the class who is moving herself and her son 100km away to a new town, new school and new life- which us other parents agree is really bad for him, in order to attempt to change the “facts on the ground” and influence the custody decision of the court.
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Not everyone is good, or has good intentions in a particular situation. I am going to take this example to some extremes in order to illustrate it, which some may feel is irrelevant but I feel that it is helpful to take it out of the divorce/ child custody context because for me we are talking about the essence of the human condition : a husband who beats his wife is not going to stop beating her if she maintains an inner peace and shows no resistence or reaction; when your village is ethnically cleaned by (enter name of extremist group here) you are no less likely to be killed if you maintain an inner peace and show no resistence or reaction.
And so a woman who is determined to make life difficult for her ex-husband, regardless of the fact that her actions are harming their child, is not going to start acting fairly if he maintains inner peace and shows no resistence or reaction.
In a situation where both parents have as a priority, as they should, the wellbeing of their child, then of course this peaceful attitude would reap dividends. But of course in this situation there would be no need for a peaceful reaction because neither party would be aggressive or obstructive in the first place.
In the context of a separation/ custody battle in the West , the best advice to all parties would be to remain calm, concentrate on the best interests of the child, and rely on the legal system (not because the legal systems in Western countries are infallible, but because that is what they are there for) in order to resolve disputes.
In the context of a separation/ custody battle in Taiwan, things work differently. The foreign non-custodial parent cannot expect any fairness from the legal system (well at least that is my view and certainly from my experience, some here may dispute it and some may agree). “Going legal” is, again in my view, never going to lead to an improvement in the situation.
A caveat to this is what Mr He mentioned, suing/ countersuing, which is something you need to have a lot of fight for, and all kudos to him for managing to do things the “Taiwanese Way” and coming out on top. I was also offered this advice by a group of English speaking lawyers, but the thought of spending thousands more dollars on something I felt would have no benefit was offputting. I am guessing, correct me if I am wrong Mr He, is that your Chinese is at a level where you could file the documents with the police yourself, or had friends to help you do so.
Aside from this, the reason why I advise the OP to remain calm and peaceful is, not because it will necessarily do any good - which is what I have been trying to illustrate over this lengthy post, instead in order to not make the situation any worse. Because, unless he has the ability or resources to do as Mr He did, any hint that he is going to use the courts or police in order to enforce his rights is extremely unlikely to get a positive reaction from his ex or her family.
The sad fact of the situation is that, regardless of how he acts, the OP may be denied contact with his daughter and eventually be forced out of life completely and possibly out of Taiwan.