Sticking up for yourself

Life Dating & Relationships
1

Hey

I’ve been reading a couple of posts here, and been in similiar situations where you sortof lose yourself while you are with someone…

An example…My ex flatmate (we were lovers for 3 months, flatmates for 3 yrs) hated my music…so I actually stopped listening to it. She didn’t like most of the stuff I liked(food, music, X-box etc) so I just got fed-up of the moaning and gave it up. I ended up kicking her out (way too late)Right after she left I was trying to summarize what I’m like, what I like etc on MySpace, and I sat there for about 10 minutes trying to figure out what to write.

A friend gave me this advice for the future…and I think it’s pretty damn cool. Hope you guys can use it…

Remember - you are the ONE…
The One is NEVER spoken down to.
If you feel demeaned or “less than” in any way
with the person you are with, then it is time to make
it clear that you will only be treated with respect.
The One is never afraid of “losing a relationship”
at the expense of losing him or herself.
THE ONE never needs permission or approval to
be, do, have, buy, go or live according to your truth,
and what you genuinely desire.
You are the only person who needs your own permission,
and it NEVER needs to come from another.

2

[quote=“Battery9”]Hey

I’ve been reading a couple of posts here, and been in similiar situations where you sortof lose yourself while you are with someone…

An example…My ex flatmate (we were lovers for 3 months, flatmates for 3 yrs) hated my music…so I actually stopped listening to it. She didn’t like most of the stuff I liked(food, music, X-box etc) so I just got fed-up of the moaning and gave it up. I ended up kicking her out (way too late)Right after she left I was trying to summarize what I’m like, what I like etc on MySpace, and I sat there for about 10 minutes trying to figure out what to write.

A friend gave me this advice for the future…and I think it’s pretty damn cool. Hope you guys can use it…

Remember - you are the ONE…
The One is NEVER spoken down to.
If you feel demeaned or “less than” in any way
with the person you are with, then it is time to make
it clear that you will only be treated with respect.
The One is never afraid of “losing a relationship”
at the expense of losing him or herself.
THE ONE never needs permission or approval to
be, do, have, buy, go or live according to your truth,
and what you genuinely desire.
You are the only person who needs your own permission,
and it NEVER needs to come from another.[/quote]

Yep, stick to this and you will be the only one at then end. And that, is sad!

3

[quote=“igorveni”]
Yep, stick to this and you will be the only one at then end. And that, is sad![/quote]

Well said. Living with others ALWAYS requires some compromise.

4

what battery9 posted aren’t strict guidlines to be used for every petty case such as buying LV handbags and PS3s. you need to be smart enough to realize when you are in a healthy relationship built on compromise and understanding or if it has become a one-sided thing were one partner dominates over every decision.

5

True, I was only commenting on the “advice”

I am relationship, you are NOT the one, you are a team.

[quote]THE ONE never needs permission or approval to
be, do, have, buy, go or live according to your truth,
and what you genuinely desire. [/quote]
Again, not true, a relationship is based on agreements and sometimes, compromises.

Now, maybe we have a different viewpoint on the kind of relationship we are talking about. i am talking from a married viewpoint, maybe you guys are talking about a shaggy-shaggy-hit-and-run-in a-few-months type relationship.

6

[quote=“igorveni”][quote=“ratbrain”]Again, not true, a relationship is based on agreements and sometimes, compromises.

Now, maybe we have a different viewpoint on the kind of relationship we are talking about. i am talking from a married viewpoint, maybe you guys are talking about a shaggy-shaggy-hit-and-run-in a-few-months type relationship.[/quote][/quote]

It holds true in a marriage…you’re just reading what was typed the wrong way.

What was typed was pretty much to not give up your identity. If someone you’re dating doesn’t like the same food you eat, don’t necessarily just drop that food…that’s weird. Just learn how to eat different things. Now, we’re not just talking about food necessarily. Seems the girl was trying to change everything about the guy rather than realizing some things are just different and need better solutions to the problems. I had a roomate whose music I didn’t like. He didn’t like mine either…you deal with it and move on. You don’t have the roomate give up the music collection all together. With marriage, it’s pretty much the same thing. If your tastes are different, you don’t demand the other person change just for the sake of “everyone must compromise.” That’s not what a compromise is. It’s nearly the exact opposite.

Can I get an Amen?

7

I’ll “Amen” that. Compromising your likes for another person is just compromising yourself. No relationship should be that much work. If your partner can’t appreciate your differences and wants you to change, it’s not called compromise, it’s called ‘someone trying to change and mold you into who they want you to be.’ Yuk.

8

:bravo:

and that is Battery9’s point exactly.
love that rai of sunshine! :wink:

9

I didn’t get the ONE part, but I don’t think it means that the author of that piece intends it to be taken as a ego thing which is what kills most relationships anyway.

Indiana I can agree with ya. I hate the word compromising when it comes up in talks about relationships. It has always seemed like a passive way to manipulate rather than just working things out to a solution that fits both parties. Seems exhausting…

10

[quote=“Namahottie”]
Indiana I can agree with ya. I hate the word compromising when it comes up in talks about relationships. It has always seemed like a passive way to manipulate rather than just working things out to a solution that fits both parties. Seems exhausting…[/quote]

Isn’t that what compromise means? It has nothing to do with manipulation (in the definition I think of).

11

I think it’s the degree of compromising that’s in question here, really. I have been married for 8.5 years to a man that is absolutely my opposite in so, so many ways. Not only are we from different countries and have a significant age difference, but our interests, educational and family backgrounds couldn’t possibly be more different.

We have had to make some compromises, sure. He is not a morning person, and I am. So, I make sure I give him some space and don’t talk his ear off in the morning, and in the meantime he tries to be as pleasant as possible. In terms of music, I love metal and hippie stuff like CSN and the Dead, which I know he doesn’t like, so I listen to it when I am on my own. He is hugely into Classical, which I like but don’t love as much as he does, and he respects that and doesn’t force it on me 24/7. We like different types of food, and so try and mix up what we eat and where we eat, trying new things. He is more of a loner, so I understand and give him his alone time, and when he senses I don’t want to be on my own or need to be chatty he will accommodate me. There are probably thousands of little compromises like this that we both make for each other day in and day out…the little things, the non-life-shattering or life-altering things that we do for those we love.

What we have found is that we grow and learn from each other. We respect each other’s differences and thrive on them. I have learned so much from my husband through his personality, his interests, his knowledge…I have grown from that.

What on earth would have happened if we tried to change each other in the name of “compromise”?? DIVORCE. It is simply unhealthy to try and make someone change into what you want them to be. It can only cause resentment in the long run. Not only that, but how can you feel love and friendship toward someone who you know doesn’t love you for who you really are?

I have seen too many couples try and change each other, especially in cross-cultural relationships. It usually ends in a lot of bitter feelings. And if it doesn’t end, bitter feelings are fostered and they just become more and more intense. If you are not loved and appreciated for who you are by someone, they are not worth it. If you have to work a lot at it, it’s not worth it. Why can’t a relationship be natural, healthy and full of respect and friendship? If you have to work hard at keeping things good and compromise your interests and a lot of other things that are important to you, you are simply with the wrong person.

12

[quote=“Indiana”]I think it’s the degree of compromising that’s in question here, really. I have been married for 8.5 years to a man that is absolutely my opposite in so, so many ways. Not only are we from different countries and have a significant age difference, but our interests, educational and family backgrounds couldn’t possibly be more different.

We have had to make some compromises, sure. He is not a morning person, and I am. So, I make sure I give him some space and don’t talk his ear off in the morning, and in the meantime he tries to be as pleasant as possible. In terms of music, I love metal and hippie stuff like CSN and the Dead, which I know he doesn’t like, so I listen to it when I am on my own. He is hugely into Classical, which I like but don’t love as much as he does, and he respects that and doesn’t force it on me 24/7. We like different types of food, and so try and mix up what we eat and where we eat, trying new things. He is more of a loner, so I understand and give him his alone time, and when he senses I don’t want to be on my own or need to be chatty he will accommodate me. There are probably thousands of little compromises like this that we both make for each other day in and day out…the little things, the non-life-shattering or life-altering things that we do for those we love.

What we have found is that we grow and learn from each other. We respect each other’s differences and thrive on them. I have learned so much from my husband through his personality, his interests, his knowledge…I have grown from that.

What on earth would have happened if we tried to change each other in the name of “compromise”?? DIVORCE. It is simply unhealthy to try and make someone change into what you want them to be. It can only cause resentment in the long run. Not only that, but how can you feel love and friendship toward someone who you know doesn’t love you for who you really are?

I have seen too many couples try and change each other, especially in cross-cultural relationships. It usually ends in a lot of bitter feelings. And if it doesn’t end, bitter feelings are fostered and they just become more and more intense. If you are not loved and appreciated for who you are by someone, they are not worth it. If you have to work a lot at it, it’s not worth it. Why can’t a relationship be natural, healthy and full of respect and friendship? If you have to work hard at keeping things good and compromise your interests and a lot of other things that are important to you, you are simply with the wrong person.[/quote]
I agree 100% with that. Well said.

13

That doesn’t even occur to me as compromising. For some in the conventional sense I guess it would, but to me that just sounds like love. Brings to mind Corinthians 13. Love is patient and kind… :wink:

14

Exactly, Namahottie.

15

Tolerance is what is missing in the OP post. it is not a matter of compromise.
They were 3 year flatmates (guess with the same music, Xbox etc) and became "lovers’ for 3 months. “kicking someone out” is neither a way to show how much you care about “I, I and I”.
I tolerated my EX character the best I could, we tried to compromise where possible, but it ended in divorce. As said by someone, if you can not the person for what he or she stands for, then beat it. Go your own way. As for the OP, stay alone and love yourself I guess?

16

I think what 9volt is trying to get at here is that sometimes people get involved in relationships and one person ends up doing all the work to make the other person happy… often at the expense of their own happiness. It’s got nothing to do with willingness or unwillingness to compromise, or tolerance. It has to do with getting so wrapped up in someone and doing everything you can to make them happy… and often that means giving up things you like and enjoy cause they crap on it, or make a misery out of it. It’s when you do more than 100% of your 50% and get sod all in return. It’s when your self-esteem and self-worth become contigent on the other person’s moods of opinions of you or the things you do.
Somewhere along the line the ability to compromise and accept differences is lost and the focus turns to keeping one person happy all the time to avoid feeling like crap.

for those of us who have had the misfortune of being in this kind of relationship, Battery9’s post is a reminder and a bit of encouragement to rediscover yourself and stand up for you…

17

Amen!!!
But i have to disagree with that girls like to change things, in my case, i am always the one who changed. Damn! :stuck_out_tongue: In a sense, girls do change a lot for the guys they love, well, it’s a way to keep the guys staying with us. Sad but true.

18

What I meant with the post is that sometimes, when you are in love, you get so nuts that you forget you. Even in marriage I would be the most important to me…if I was unhappy, I would not stay there just to keep my partner happy.

My situation…I had a huge crush on someone, we started seeing each other, a couple of months later, we moved in…this person had a very specific taste and view on , well, most things. I’m very easy going. The lover part died soon after, but we continued staying together…I loved her as a friend, but in the end I didn’t have much say in anything. And I didn’t mind, because I was still in love for a long time and turned into this spineless puppy dog. I couldn’t stand some of her habits, but kept quiet mostly. Try playing a X-box game or watching a ‘lame stupid braindead’ movie with comments and stuff flying all over the place or music being blared. She was such a strong personality(mostly because I let her walk all over me) that I would rather turn off the tv and leave than have her in my ears.

And yes, after 3 yrs I had enough and I kicked her out. Which I seriously paid for. She made my life a living hell. SOmething I was dreading and wanted to avoid it…she was leaving the country soon, but postponing over and over…so in the end I just lost it and told her to find another place.

OF COURSE a relationship consists of TWO people…I’m just not going to be talked down on, dominated and be expected to give up stuff that the other person doesn’t like. Sure, if I shot heroin up my arm I would stop…but someone complaining about me eating KFC…making gagging noises while I eat? no thanks…I’m outa there!!!

19

[quote=“Battery9”]What I meant with the post is that sometimes, when you are in love, you get so nuts that you forget you. Even in marriage I would be the most important to me…if I was unhappy, I would not stay there just to keep my partner happy.

My situation…I had a huge crush on someone, we started seeing each other, a couple of months later, we moved in…[/quote]

While I’m an adamant believer in love at first sight, it just doesn’t happen so often. So, in the meanwhile, having a crush on someone translates to me as lust and that is miles and miles away from love. And while some would debate the ‘correct’ amount of time before moving in with someone, I think it takes at least 6 months to really get a good perception of a person in a romantic setting.

Don’t kick yourself for not being willing to see the truth. At least you don’t have any baby mama drama to deal with :wink:

20

yeah, but us women move pretty fast…whats that joke? What do you call a lesbians second date?

the engagement party!!!

I’m not going to stay by myself…this happened a long time ago( thank gaaaaaaawd) I’m involved in a MUCH more equal relationship now:)